However, some of the responses did not make much sense to me. For those that can add, please do.
Oh, I shall, I shall. You will regret you asked.
Many posters indicated that they felt a spouse had some responsiblity for looking attractive for the other.
I agree. Thereās a positive and concrete obligation, not just some.
Those that explained why indicated love and respect as the reasons.
There are more. For example, if marriage means an obligation towards marital acts and we all know how marital acts work, it would be a bad idea to insist on being off-putting, for instance, as that would go against the goals of marriage. As for love, love as charity, love as eros, also the gift of self at least implies that we can make the effort and do some grooming instead of merely being there and treating that as a gift.
For those that felt there was not a responsibility, would that indicate a lack of love and respect, or is there another reason a spouse would not feel it necessary to be attractive for the other?
I think the idea of the absence of any responsibility whatsoever to be attractive to the spouse ultimately comes down to egoistic focus on own rights to acceptance as whatever we look like, whatever we behave like etc. Strangely, this means itās bad to complain, but itās not at the same time wrong to give the reason for complaining. Logical? Noooope. For example, the idea the husband is in his right when wearing smelly socks and bathing once a month because thatās what he wants and he shouldnāt be expected to change anything, while the wife is in the wrong wanting a clean husband, is illogical. Even if wanting a clean husband is as selfish as wanting to be dirty is, why should it be wrong for the lady but right for the man? And similarly, if the wife didnāt care at all to look feminine, would that be oh so natural and right, and so horribly wrong and selfish of her husband to prefer that she were more attractive - not as in different from how God made her, but as in what she can achieve with her own effort? The answer is a big no.
For those that felt responsiblity, it seems that most would like to meet some standard that they set for themselves. Is this the way?
Not necessarily. Itās fair to require as much of others as of ourselves, but we have no right to enforce a trade even if itās fair.
However, our requirements gain more merit if we fulfil them ourselves (otherwise weāre pretty much the hypocrites) and lose it if we donāt. To require more of the spouse than of ourselves would be somewhat disordered. Regardless of the fact we canāt enforce the trade, our requirements have positive credit if we also meet them, and negative credit if we donāt.
Or, (considering that beauty is in the eye of the beholder) is it reasonable for the ābeholderāsā preferences to be the guide.
If I had a wife, Iād rather try to go by what she likes instead of looking for some objective standards of hotness. I would need to be attractive to her, not attractive to other women for her. Wishing that our spouse were attractive to us is one thing, wishing that our spouse were attractive to others for us (ābeing attractive for usā and ābeing attractive to usā are not necessarily the same thing) is disordered (says I, but I can elaborate if desired). Of course, I wouldnāt grow a belly just because she considered overweight to be attractive, but I would probably go to the gym to put on some muscle, or something like that, which I normally wouldnāt. Similarly, I would pick a hair style she liked rather than experimenting, I guess, though out of my own volition and not on anyoneās order, but I wouldnāt dye my hair, let alone paint it green. There must be some reason to it all.
There were a few posts with a āif they do it for me, Iāll do it for themā thought. Is that really appropriate in a marriage? Do our spouses need to earn the privledge of us appearing attractive to them?
They have already acquired it, they donāt need to earn it anymore. They have not necessarily earned it in terms of work, but they legitimately acquired it when marriage was contracted. āIf he does it for me, Iāll do it for him,ā is not appropriate. That view - but also the direct opposite of it - may in effect remove all responsibility, which shouldnāt happen. The fact it should be give-give and not take-take or give-take, does not mean we donāt have any right to expect anything.
If we decide to stay at home on a Saturday we wander around the house in our bathrobes all day. Honestly, we donāt even brush our hair. And makeup? On a day at home? Forget it.
