What Responsibility Does a Spouse Have to Look Attractive For the Other?

[chevalier]

I would really feel
bad if I thought my spouse was trying to do things to be
attractive to me out of love, and then found out they only did
it because it was their responsibility.

Yes, that would be very sad.

 

[CarrieH]

Getting back to the subject and to dressing appropriately. I usually dress modestly, feminine and what my husband calls, “classy”. But even when I think I dress modestly, I’ll ask him on Sunday mornings to look at my outfit. I cantor, so I’m in front of everyone during mass and feel I have a responsibility to set an example on appropriate attire especially as a young Catholic woman. (I personally prefer singing from the choir loft, so that no one can see me, but I guess you can’t cantor if you do that.

Excellent! You are dressing to please your husband AND setting a good example at the same time. Men sometimes notice things that we women do not, esp. when it comes to our feminine “charms.” It’s good to have some loving feedback before we get up there and discover that a certain blouse provides a free peep-show when we raise our arms to bring in the congregation! BTW, the cantors do sing from the choir-loft at our local cathedral, but we don’t have one at our parish church, so the choir is up in the front left corner for all the world to see. I can only hide so much behind my flute and my music stand! I wish everyone were as careful about their appearance as you are.

 

[Sarabande]

Not only outside. In fact, in some parishes, it’s like senior citizens at a weekday mass plus a young couple or two and a rare student who doesn’t have classes or anything at the time, but a whole crowded church at a Sunday mass, so you have stampede mechanics at play. ]

You must come to our cathedral where I cantor. There is a very good mix of age groups and a lot of young people in their 20s and 30s. They either live in the city or are students at the various colleges and universities in the area. Amazingly, a good number of people actually stay to sing all the verses of the recessional hymn, so it’s usually not a stampede when people leave the cathedral or the chapel. But I have been to some parishes where it were mostly senior citizens or ones where people rush out either right after communion or as soon as the priest passes them in the aisle, so I understand where you are coming from.

BTW, oh my, someone still says “gentlewoman” these days. Other than yours truly, that is. ]

So nice to know that you also use that term. Not many do. I had a wonderful religion teacher in high school who would always say to his students when we would answer a question correctly or have discussions, “Madam/Sir, you are a gentlewoman/gentleman and scholar…” I picked it up from him. But I’m also a huge Anglophile (ha! ha!) and have read a goodly number of 18th and 19th century British literature which employ such “old-fashioned” terminology.

A reactionary word I use to refer to slovenly clothing when I’m being particularly sanctimonious. It rhymes with “lousy”, which is an additional bonus. (You may want to spell it “frowzy” since you live in the States and it’s subject to the “ise/ize” rule.)

Thank you. I had no idea that was an actual word. I thought it was something you coined. Truly… we learn something new every day. I prefer the spelling of “frowsy”.

 

[Sarabande]

BTW, the cantors do sing from the choir-loft at our local cathedral, but we don’t have one at our parish church, so the choir is up in the front left corner for all the world to see. I can only hide so much behind my flute and my music stand! I wish everyone were as careful about their appearance as you are.

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Actually, we also cantor from the loft in the back in our Cathedral, but are only allowed to do that during the weddings and funerals. Since you also work at a cathedral, I’m sure you are well aware of the delay problems when the cantor is up front and the organ is in the back. We always have to be a beat ahead of what we hear coming from the organ (and vice versa) just so we can sound like we’re together in the middle of the Cathedral. It can be very disconcerting. It is so much easier to be in the choir loft in that regard, and it takes any attention away from me. I prefer just being the anonymous voice with no face or body. ha! ha! But thankfully, the ambo up front is large, so it does cover up most of my body when I am cantoring.

 

[Sarabande]

It’s good to have some loving feedback before we get up there and discover that a certain blouse provides a free peep-show when we raise our arms to bring in the congregation!

One of the reasons why I no longer wear button-down blouses. No matter what, a button always comes undone, and so I have given up on them. I learned that lesson the hard way a few years ago and how embarrassing for me when I found this out right in front of the priest!!!

 

[chevalier]

You must come to our cathedral where I cantor. There is a very good mix of age groups and a lot of young people in their 20s and 30s. They either live in the city or are students at the various colleges and universities in the area.

Ah. That would be true of some churches in my city, but those would be the “academic” ones. Area parish churches are more like I described, though I’ve always had poor luck for such things in so far as they’ve involved me. If we take my church, the parish covers 21000 inhabitants, the church can hold 5000. There are several masses a weekday but those rarely see more than 100 people - sometimes there’s just the priest, no servers, some 10-20 people. Sunday masses, by contrast, sometimes see some people standing in the open door or behind to avoid the crowd. That’s one of the few occasions to see young people except altar servers, who are more visible, the flower girls, or the choir members, or confirmands (not like that category is where I’d look, mind you ).

Amazingly, a good number of people actually stay to sing all the verses of the recessional hymn, so it’s usually not a stampede when people leave the cathedral or the chapel.

Ah yes, that’s a good custom. Some of our priests stay in front of the altar until the first verse or two resound - especially the patriotic religious hymns.

So nice to know that you also use that term. Not many do. I had a wonderful religion teacher in high school who would always say to his students when we would answer a question correctly or have discussions, “Madam/Sir, you are a gentlewoman/gentleman and scholar…” I picked it up from him. But I’m also a huge Anglophile (ha! ha!) and have read a goodly number of 18th and 19th century British literature which employ such “old-fashioned” terminology.

I liked 19th century historical and adventure novels and they were several times cheaper than translations (no joke, hurrah for Penguin), plus I prefer to read Shakespeare home rather than going to theatre, as well. I think I was 16 when I picked that one up. Can’t recall.

Thank you. I had no idea that was an actual word. I thought it was something you coined.

It does have that vibe, which is another bonus.

 

[Katie1723]

I dress for myself. How I look to my BF is just an added benefit.
If I feel good to me, then he benefits also.
Kathy