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EasterJoy
Guest
I can only imagine. You know, though, that if you had had a mental health problem, it would have been your mother’s work to take care of you even when you were very difficult to handle. I do not mean to glorify your mother, because maybe she has not seen to your needs, but to say what our duties are in our families, which is called “the domestic Church”. Your “nuclear parish” is your family. Although some families are toxic, we are required to live as Catholics wherever we find ourselves.
This is your mother, and your parent’s marriage is, in a manner of speaking, the “ordained hierarchy” of your domestic church, your “nuclear parish”. She’s not just a roommate that you can decide you’d like to replace. A marriage is more important in the eyes of God than the building of a church. If you push her out of your life and let the other woman take your mother’s place in your family, it would be worse than letting a Catholic church fall into disrepair so that it could be renovated and re-used as an illicit gambling hall. If this works out that your dad leaves your mother and marries this other woman, you may have to learn to live with it. It is not in your hands. You may not, however, ever let this other woman take the place of honor that belongs to your mother alone, and you may not fail to defend the sanctity of your parent’s marriage. Sometimes you’ll have to keep your mouth shut, but you cannot let your sentiments on this be swayed away from what is right, or give tacit approval to what is wrong because it makes life more comfortable in some way for you.
IOW, you are 16 years old and not exactly in control of where you live, who feeds you, and who your custodial parents decides to entertain in their home. I get that.
There is a degree to which you don’t have a place of power in this situation. You have no ability to make things happen and a limited ability to speak. Still, you are baptized in a home of the baptized, and you are old enough that you cannot remain silent. Consider, perhaps, reflecting on this passage of Scripture, when the Prophet Nathan stood up to King David:
The LORD sent Nathan to David, and when he came to him, he said: “Judge this case for me! In a certain town there were two men, one rich, the other poor. The rich man had flocks and herds in great numbers. But the poor man had nothing at all except one little ewe lamb that he had bought. He nourished her, and she grew up with him and his children. She shared the little food he had and drank from his cup and slept in his bosom. She was like a daughter to him. Now, the rich man received a visitor, but he would not take from his own flocks and herds to prepare a meal for the wayfarer who had come to him. Instead he took the poor man’s ewe lamb and made a meal of it for his visitor.” David grew very angry with that man and said to Nathan: “As the LORD lives, the man who has done this merits death! He shall restore the ewe lamb fourfold because he has done this and has had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David: “You are the man! Thus says the LORD God of Israel: ‘I anointed you king of Israel. I rescued you from the hand of Saul. I gave you your lord’s house and your lord’s wives for your own. I gave you the house of Israel and of Judah. And if this were not enough, I could count up for you still more. Why have you spurned the LORD and done evil in his sight? You have cut down Uriah the Hittite with the sword; you took his wife as your own, and him you killed with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah to be your wife.’ Thus says the LORD: ‘I will bring evil upon you out of your own house. I will take your wives while you live to see it, and will give them to your neighbor. He shall lie with your wives in broad daylight. You have done this deed in secret, but I will bring it about in the presence of all Israel, and with the sun looking down.’” 2 Sam. 11:1-12
Do you see that the Prophet Nathan did not have the power to undo what King David had done? Uriah the Hittite was dead, and King David did keep Bathsheba as his wife. After their first son died, Bathsheba had another son, whom David named Solomon, and of course that is the lineage from which God chose for Our Lord. Every child is beloved of God, even if the parents were in sin when the child was conceived.
It is not your work to undo what your dad is doing, it is not your work to heal your mother. It is your work as a Catholic, however, to refuse to be directly complicit in mortal sin, where it is in your power to refuse.
Do keep in touch with your pastor about this situation. I think he’ll be very valuable for you. Also talk to your aunt, and ask her to help you find someone professional to talk to. I think your aunt may prove to be a good advocate for you during this time when your parents may be too wrapped up in themselves to do what you need.
Sometimes, you will have to be grown-up enough to see where it will not help anyone for you to act like a brat towards your dad or the other woman. I get that. Still, I would not be too willing to give this other woman a comfort level, even though charity requires a certain level of kindness and patience with her. It is OK to occasionally tell the truth in a gentle but firm manner, “You need to stop pretending this is OK. You should not be doing this to my mother. It is wrong, you aren’t an exception to the rules, and all the feelings in the world don’t change that. Deep down, you know that. You are trying to commit a theft. Change your direction and do something you can be proud of. Let my dad and mom get worked out, one way or the other.”
