A
abelin
Guest
I spoke to her about 1 hour ago telling her to leave me alone. She responded and I quote" Sweetie, I’m just trying to show how much me and your father care about you/!
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
- Status
- Not open for further replies.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
You know she didn’t ask for this, and it is unlikely she ever spent a lot of time thinking about how she’d cope with it, if it happened to her. So think in terms of how your brain works right after you run into one of those glass sliding doors. You’re just cruising along, everything is clear sailing and BAM!!! So give her some room to make some mistakes. If it had happened to you, you’d want the same.I spoke to her about 1 hour ago telling her to leave me alone. She responded and I quote" Sweetie, I’m just trying to show how much me and your father care about you/!
“Mom, I understand this is hard for you. I’m just trying to let you know that I’ll be happiest if you and Dad work this out without putting me into the middle of it. I promise if I need your help in coping, if I have questions, I’ll come to you. I want you work it out with Dad or with other adults in the family, and keep the burden off of me.”
You’re 16…that is not shirking your responsibility. It is letting your mom know how she can do the best by you as your mother. Be as gentle as you can, be as compassionate as you can, but don’t be afraid to stick up for what you need and for what you really need the two of them to not do while they’re doing whatever else they feel they must.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
If you want her to leave you alone, never miss a chance to point out what she is doing and how wrong it is.I spoke to her about 1 hour ago telling her to leave me alone. She responded and I quote" Sweetie, I’m just trying to show how much me and your father care about you/!
“Sarah, do you even listen to yourself? Wake up! If you cared about anyone but yourself, you wouldn’t wreck a home by dating a married man. You know what you’re doing, you know it is wrong, and I know it is wrong. I can’t make Dad leave you alone, but* I* can choose to have nothing to do with you and what you’re doing to my mother and me and really, to my dad, too. He’s got responsibilities as a man and as a father, and with your help he is failing spectacularly. Leave me alone, and if you really care about me or anyone else, go think about what you’re doing and leave all of us alone.”
Every time she talks to her, tell her that it is wrong to have an affair with a married man. It is Ten Commandments wrong, that basic, period. Stay calm, but stick with it. If that can’t be the topic of conversation, don’t talk at all. Repeat, repeat, repeat, no matter what excuse she tries to make, stick with that unassailable message. I think she’ll eventually either get the message and repent or else get tired of what you have to say and leave you alone.
A
abelin
Guest
Thanks, do you think she loves my father?If you want her to leave you alone, never miss a chance to point out what she is doing and how wrong it is.
“Sarah, do you even listen to yourself? Wake up! If you cared about anyone but yourself, you wouldn’t wreck a home by dating a married man. You know what you’re doing, you know it is wrong, and I know it is wrong. I can’t make Dad leave you alone, but* I* can choose to have nothing to do with you and what you’re doing to my mother and me and really, to my dad, too. He’s got responsibilities as a man and as a father, and with your help he is failing spectacularly. Leave me alone, and if you really care about me or anyone else, go think about what you’re doing and leave all of us alone.”
Every time she talks to her, tell her that it is wrong to have an affair with a married man. It is Ten Commandments wrong, that basic, period. Stay calm, but stick with it. If that can’t be the topic of conversation, don’t talk at all. Repeat, repeat, repeat, no matter what excuse she tries to make, stick with that unassailable message. I think she’ll eventually either get the message and repent or else get tired of what you have to say and leave you alone.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
She may think she does, but what she has is a passion for your father. She covets your father. She wants someone who has promised himself to someone else, and she knew that when she went after him. What she is doing is wrong, and even if she doesn’t realize it, it cannot be condoned. Is she culpable before God? Let God decide. Is what she is doing OK? No. It isn’t love, then.Thanks, do you think she loves my father?
A
abelin
Guest
I’m playing devils advocate; they went out for 6 or so years and look kinda happy with each otherShe may think she does, but what she has is a passion for your father. She covets your father. She wants someone who has promised himself to someone else, and she knew that when she went after him. What she is doing is wrong, and even if she doesn’t realize it, it cannot be condoned. Is she culpable before God? Let God decide. Is what she is doing OK? No. It isn’t love, then.
A
abelin
Guest
For some Im growing attached to her
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Yes, well, “Old Scratch”, I have an old boyfriend I think is fun to be with and kind of hot, and if I went after him because I found myself single, it would still be WRONG because he is MARRIED AND NOT MARRIED TO ME. There is not a “I used to have him” clause in the 10 Commandments! Your dad married your mom, and everyone who claims to love them ought to do that by following the commandments and not coveting one or the other of them, let alone committing adultery with them.I’m playing devils advocate; they went out for 6 or so years and look kinda happy with each other
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Well, if your parents get the Church to confirm that their marriage was invalid, you can go ahead and do that. Until then, if you care about her at all you will encourage her not to commit mortal sins. It is not loving to encourage other people to do the kind of things that separate them from God, even a little bit…and this is not a little bit. This is a lot.For some Im growing attached to her
A
abelin
Guest
Should i resist these feelings?Well, if your parents get the Church to confirm that their marriage was invalid, you can go ahead and do that. Until then, if you care about her at all you will encourage her not to commit mortal sins. It is not loving to encourage other people to do the kind of things that separate them from God, even a little bit…and this is not a little bit. This is a lot.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Do you mean should you try not to be fond of her? Don’t you see that this is not about whether you are fond of her or not?Should i resist these feelings?
Do what is going to have the best chance of getting her and your dad out of mortal sin and the danger of eternal damnation. For crying out loud, if you are fond of her, teach her to dread this sin and to renounce her habitual offenses against God and your family. If you hate her guts, you are still bound in the love of God to hope for her eternal salvation. Keep your eye on that! That is all that matters! Do not let anything that anyone says sway you from having that as your number one concern, because wanting her in heaven will never lead you to do anything that will keep anyone else out of heaven. If you put yourself ahead of her relationship with God and her eternal salvation, though, you are setting yourself both against God and her welfare. Do not let any deceptive arguments pull you away from that truth.
For your own welfare, however, I would stay out of contact with her. She has chosen deceit and covetousness over concern for your mother’s rights and welfare. She is not to be trusted until she repents from that. Your refusal to have anything to do with her will be more likely to discourage her from pursuing your dad than your decision to have contact with her. So while fond feeling for her are not wrong, I think that showing fondness for her might not encourage her to do what moral law demands, while cutting off contact might discourage her from her present course.
A
abelin
Guest
Thank youDo you mean should you try not to be fond of her? Don’t you see that this is not about whether you are fond of her or not?
Do what is going to have the best chance of getting her and your dad out of mortal sin and the danger of eternal damnation. For crying out loud, if you are fond of her, teach her to dread this sin and to renounce her habitual offenses against God and your family. If you hate her guts, you are still bound in the love of God to hope for her eternal salvation. Keep your eye on that! That is all that matters! Do not let anything that anyone says sway you from having that as your number one concern, because wanting her in heaven will never lead you to do anything that will keep anyone else out of heaven. If you put yourself ahead of her relationship with God and her eternal salvation, though, you are setting yourself both against God and her welfare. Do not let any deceptive arguments pull you away from that truth.
For your own welfare, however, I would stay out of contact with her. She has chosen deceit and covetousness over concern for your mother’s rights and welfare. She is not to be trusted until she repents from that. Your refusal to have anything to do with her will be more likely to discourage her from pursuing your dad than your decision to have contact with her. So while fond feeling for her are not wrong, I think that showing fondness for her might not encourage her to do what moral law demands, while cutting off contact might discourage her from her present course.
A
abelin
Guest
I will take heed
A
abelin
Guest
My mom has now moved out and gone to stay with a friend.
What next?
What next?
R
R1ch4rd
Guest
If you were honest with your priest’ he should not have told you this…
You did a very thorough job of explaining your situation in your OP but have given very short, often one word replies since and those replies indicate your not mature enough to be involved in solving this problem between your parents and your priest would know that.
Are your exams for entrance to the sixth form and how are they going? You certainly haven’t spent much time on them with the amount of time your putting in this thread.
Based on what you’ve said here.I spoke to him an hour ago. What he advised was really lifting; I should love my parents regardless but try and stop him from seeing the ow in order to save both their souls
For some Im growing attached to her
Any priest would know your much too close to the problem to do any soul saving other then your own, and that’s even a question. What happened with the possible pregnancy? Is this “ow” married? Has your mom talked with your dad, or a priest? Has the priest asked to talk with your parents?Should i resist these feelings?
This sounds as if your mom has as much loyalty for you as you have for her. I think your whole family is dysfunctional.My mom has now moved out and gone to stay with a friend.
You need more help then your gonna get here. You have no idea where your allegiance lies, one post tells us you love your mother and the next thing we know your attracted to this “ow”. If your for real, get some real help for yourself because the way I see things, how will you be able to help them if you don’t know your own feelings and we can’t help you there. Talk to a priest for real.What next?
You did a very thorough job of explaining your situation in your OP but have given very short, often one word replies since and those replies indicate your not mature enough to be involved in solving this problem between your parents and your priest would know that.
Are your exams for entrance to the sixth form and how are they going? You certainly haven’t spent much time on them with the amount of time your putting in this thread.
M
mrajax
Guest
Thing is, teens at this age and especially with this problem re going to be stressed and may often pull all nighters seeking advice. It’s normal, and it’s also normal for them to feel unnecessary guilt and confusion. I don’t think it is a troll.Yup, and if this father were me and my kids knew I were in an affair, I’d smack em if they didn’t tell my wife. Children are our legacy and our civilization is going down the tubes because they see how we act and think it’s acceptable. When Easter Joy questioned the validity early on, OP said “I’m not a troll”. How could someone who acts so naive know what a troll is without it being mentioned. Also, if you check the time stamps on his posts, you’ll see that this is playing out faster then an episode of CSI.
All sort of advice has been given and the best is getting with your priest. I really don’t see a point in posting again until after your meeting on Saturday…unless it’s to stir the pot to keep all the juicy stuff near the top.
I sincerely hope you don’t believe this because I don’t. You just told your dad you knew. Why would he want to lessen the shock AFTER the shock had taken place?? Oh, I know, he gave it to her earlier in anticipation of you snooping in his email.
I’ve learned one thing in life, when you find yourself in a hole you can’t get out of…stop digging.
BTW, if you believe I’m being uncharitable towards you, there is an icon next to the post number that allows you to report me to the Mode rater…feel free to use it and let him decide.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
She can’t stand to live in the same house with a husband who has been sleeping with someone else, and I can’t blame her. She is probably in a very bad way and thinks you would be better off if you cannot see her like this. That may or may not be true, I can’t say. She ought to have checked to see what arrangements you need. It is possible she doesn’t know what to think or if you, too, have defected in favor of this other woman. She has to be just kind of crazy about now.My mom has now moved out and gone to stay with a friend.
What next?
Again: Hurrying along, you think nothing is there, and BAMM!! you smack into a glass sliding door. If she really had no idea that your dad was cheating on her, this where she is now emotionally. You’ve had time to become aware of this situation, time to get used to the idea that it really is happening. She hasn’t. There are many wronged spouses who never recover from a betrayal of this kind. They simply cannot get their mind around the fact not only that they were lied to in such a way, but that they were lied to and everyone else knew it before they even suspected. It is very devastating, as you can imagine.
I don’t know what would be an equivalent thing for you. There really isn’t one. But imagine that you have been working for your parents in their restaurant since you were ten, putting aside what your friends were doing in order to make the business work, and your parents assured you that they had saved enough money to put you through college, it was all invested, it would be there for you. Based on what your parents said, you had told your friends you had enough money to go to any college you wanted, you had it lined up to go to the college of your dreams, you thought you had your whole life mapped out and taken care of. Then when you are a senior and have all your plans made, you think your are set, you find out that the restaurant is folding, they have no money, and there was never a college fund. They knew it, everyone at the restaurant knew it, everyone knew the restaurant had been doomed for a year or two, but no one ever said a word to you. They just let you keep on working and keep on talking as if you had your future set, all while your parents were totally leaving you and your future to hang out to dry. You were being used, you were being had, and no one said a thing.
How betrayed would you feel? How devastated? How foolish? How worried about how you would make your way through your future? How…how could they do such a thing? Not just to fail you, but to lead you on, to lure you into believing them, to make such a fool of you…the people you should have been able to trust beyond question, whose love for you would never allow them to do such a thing? And everyone knew but you, and even those who only suspected never said anything? Was no one on your side? Can no one be trusted? Well, you can imagine how awful that would be.
Finding out that the father of your children is cheating on you with a woman you trusted? Finding out that your 16 year old son found out before you did? It’s worse. It’s much worse. So while your mother needs to get a grip and be responsible for you and concerned for you, don’t be too hard on her if she takes a little while to do that. If she really and truly trusted your dad, she has just been devastated beyond telling. Hang in there, and do your best to give this some time to sort itself out. In the meantime, go beyond your parents to find support for your own emotions. You shouldn’t have to do that, but you need it, and you cannot trust that they’ll be there to give you what you need.
A
abelin
Guest
Thanks for the realismShe can’t stand to live in the same house with a husband who has been sleeping with someone else, and I can’t blame her. She is probably in a very bad way and thinks you would be better off if you cannot see her like this. That may or may not be true, I can’t say. She ought to have checked to see what arrangements you need. It is possible she doesn’t know what to think or if you, too, have defected in favor of this other woman. She has to be just kind of crazy about now.
Again: Hurrying along, you think nothing is there, and BAMM!! you smack into a glass sliding door. If she really had no idea that your dad was cheating on her, this where she is now emotionally. You’ve had time to become aware of this situation, time to get used to the idea that it really is happening. She hasn’t. There are many wronged spouses who never recover from a betrayal of this kind. They simply cannot get their mind around the fact not only that they were lied to in such a way, but that they were lied to and everyone else knew it before they even suspected. It is very devastating, as you can imagine.
I don’t know what would be an equivalent thing for you. There really isn’t one. But imagine that you have been working for your parents in their restaurant since you were ten, putting aside what your friends were doing in order to make the business work, and your parents assured you that they had saved enough money to put you through college, it was all invested, it would be there for you. Based on what your parents said, you had told your friends you had enough money to go to any college you wanted, you had it lined up to go to the college of your dreams, you thought you had your whole life mapped out and taken care of. Then when you are a senior and have all your plans made, you think your are set, you find out that the restaurant is folding, they have no money, and there was never a college fund. They knew it, everyone at the restaurant knew it, everyone knew the restaurant had been doomed for a year or two, but no one ever said a word to you. They just let you keep on working and keep on talking as if you had your future set, all while your parents were totally leaving you and your future to hang out to dry. You were being used, you were being had, and no one said a thing.
How betrayed would you feel? How devastated? How foolish? How worried about how you would make your way through your future? How…how could they do such a thing? Not just to fail you, but to lead you on, to lure you into believing them, to make such a fool of you…the people you should have been able to trust beyond question, whose love for you would never allow them to do such a thing? And everyone knew but you, and even those who only suspected never said anything? Was no one on your side? Can no one be trusted? Well, you can imagine how awful that would be.
Finding out that the father of your children is cheating on you with a woman you trusted? Finding out that your 16 year old son found out before you did? It’s worse. It’s much worse. So while your mother needs to get a grip and be responsible for you and concerned for you, don’t be too hard on her if she takes a little while to do that. If she really and truly trusted your dad, she has just been devastated beyond telling. Hang in there, and do your best to give this some time to sort itself out. In the meantime, go beyond your parents to find support for your own emotions. You shouldn’t have to do that, but you need it, and you cannot trust that they’ll be there to give you what you need.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Are you beginning to get an idea of what kind of betrayal your mother has suffered? Do you realize what your dad and his lover have done to her? I hope you see why you cannot condone what they’ve done.
If your dad had problems with your mom, that needed to be sorted out before your dad ever thought about another relationship. He promised to be true to his marriage vows, and your mom deserved to have him stick with that promise until one of them died or else the Church declared that their marriage had a fatal defect and had never been valid in spite of their efforts to make good on their vows. Anything else was a punch to her gut by someone who had promised before God to love her and honor her as long as he would live, someone she ought to have been able to trust without reservation. If you put yourself in your mother’s position, you see how little it matters how you or your dad feel about this other woman.
Your dad and this other woman lied to your mother and cheated on your mother. They can give all the reasons they like, but there is no excuse.
If your dad had problems with your mom, that needed to be sorted out before your dad ever thought about another relationship. He promised to be true to his marriage vows, and your mom deserved to have him stick with that promise until one of them died or else the Church declared that their marriage had a fatal defect and had never been valid in spite of their efforts to make good on their vows. Anything else was a punch to her gut by someone who had promised before God to love her and honor her as long as he would live, someone she ought to have been able to trust without reservation. If you put yourself in your mother’s position, you see how little it matters how you or your dad feel about this other woman.
Your dad and this other woman lied to your mother and cheated on your mother. They can give all the reasons they like, but there is no excuse.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
This has got to be so hard on you. It is truly a civil war in your mother country between ruling factions that are not under your control, devastating all that you have always loved. Hang in there. Find yourself real live people to support you, and hang in there.Thanks for the realism
- Status
- Not open for further replies.