What stops a man from pursuing?

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Yeah. Rule one: Never date a sinner, current or former.

A) No one said that except you. What is some people’s predilection for misrepresenting what people say on serious issues?

B) I suspect everyone on here has standards they tolerate for someone that is considering marriage. If they don’t they are a liar, or a fool.

Again, why the obssession on a sexual past as the topic of discussion, where people “disqualify” others because of past red flags or incompatibilities in other areas just as (if not more) often.

Why does a woman look askance at a thrice divorced man in his thirties? Is she being a judgemental lady?

Why does a man with a felony for distributing narcotics or manslaughter not get granted the same leniency as people whith sexual pasts? Especially if they are contrite?

Why does a woman who is a regular mass attendee (daily mass) and has never been away from the faith look askance at a man who seems nice and sincere, but hasn’t practiced his faith in years (but hopes to now, perhaps)?

The bible warns of being unequally yoked, and that is what we are talking about in most of these cases.

But if it makes you feel smugly superior to boil it down to “prudish Catholics think they’re too good for other sinners” so be it. Maybe someone should ask their spiritual director if that was what Paul meant in 2 Corinthians 6…

 

[dedo]

I am not sure how a straightforward question about “a man pursuing” got derailed into some people’s obsession with sexual history.

I think that initial interest occurs because of some “signal” that a person puts out that makes the person interesting or attractive. We all put out signals, and they are not necessarily or even often a romantic signal. Signals can include common interests, or different interests since opposites often attract. However, signals are not directed at an individual, so reading too much into them is a mistake. Signals can be missed, or misinterpreted.

After a signal is a “bid”. A bid is made to a particular person. Again, all social interactions involve bids, not just romantic ones. A bid, or a response to a bid, just says that appropriate further interaction is o.k.

Response to a bid can be positive, or negative. A negative response can include: no response (intentional or inadvertent), a negative / hostile response, or an over response.

For example, once I went on a first date with a girl who basically told me her entire dating history in all the intimate details on the first date. That would be an over response. I appreciated her honesty though, since she was still seeing a boyfriend who was actually looking for her while she was out with me. So, although her history did not offend me, we did not go out again as it was not appropriate.

So, I think the answer to the OP’s question is if you want someone to interact with you, realize that a “signal” may be missed or misinterpreted. She will need to either bid, or respond appropriately to the bid (without over responding).

My wife was superb at this when we were dating. If we went out there was always some type of response, without an over response. Interestingly, when I asked her what she would have done if I had not proposed the year that I did, she said “she would have kept right on going”. So, it is o.k. to be a straight shooter, and expect the same.

If you want someone to interact with you, let them know. If they screw it up, you can always kick them to the curb

 

[Naskor]

I have found that a strong contrast between myself and the men she previously dated can be a marker of she’s trying to make a change in the kind of men she goes out with. Which isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. But old habits don’t always die off. How good is she at leaving the past behind? What is it she’s seeing in me vs what she saw in those men? Not a red flag, but still questions that have to be asked.

This worries me to. If she has a history of picking horrible boyfriends, claiming they all treated her horrible and then says I’m the first guy to treat her right, it makes me think she’s going into the relationship with her head not with her heart. Most of the time, I’m right.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I though of something that would stop me from pursuing and it has in the past. I certainly do not want to be judged for my past mistakes (though I know I will be so already am mentally prepared for it) but am 31 and there is just something very unappealing to me about a woman who did nothing in her early 20’s except make babies out of wedlock and probably collect welfare then she complains that her babys daddy or babies daddies did not treat her good.And my friends know so many women who lived that lifestyle throughout their 20’s and even try to hook me up with them I know a lot of them too from times when I was not a law abiding citizen in my past. No thanks. I will admit that is just something I cannot get over because I am not ready to instantly be a stepdad to 3 or 4 children upon marriage.

I can overlook a sexually promiscuous past if it was repented of but bringing a bunch of children into the picture because of it, I just cannot. That has stopped me from pursuing.

I do not know if that makes me a hypocrite, it feels like it can be argued that it does since I do not want to be judged by my past mistakes too. But that is just something I do not think I can tolerate in a woman. I will be her friend, but not her boyfriend.

 

[Naskor]

I though of something that would stop me from pursuing and it has in the past. I certainly do not want to be judged for my past mistakes (though I know I will be so already am mentally prepared for it) but am 31 and there is just something very unappealing to me about a woman who did nothing in her early 20’s except make babies out of wedlock and probably collect welfare then she complains that her babys daddy or babies daddies did not treat her good.And my friends know so many women who lived that lifestyle throughout their 20’s and even try to hook me up with them I know a lot of them too from times when I was not a law abiding citizen in my past. No thanks. I will admit that is just something I cannot get over because I am not ready to instantly be a stepdad to 3 or 4 children upon marriage.

I can overlook a sexually promiscuous past if it was repented of but bringing a bunch of children into the picture because of it, I just cannot. That has stopped me from pursuing.

I do not know if that makes me a hypocrite, it feels like it can be argued that it does since I do not want to be judged by my past mistakes too. But that is just something I do not think I can tolerate in a woman. I will be her friend, but not her boyfriend.

It doesn’t make you a hypocrite because when it comes to who you will become one flesh with you are supposed to be judging. The risk to your soul is too great.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I admit that I have not read the responses to this post. But the answer is: Fear.

Fear of rejection.
Fear of intimacy.
Fear of inadequacy – emotional, financial, sexual.

Not to mention fear of being annoying.

 

[Michael_Francis]

Closed Pending review by moderator Zelie Louis