What the hook-up culture has done to women.

[PRmerger]

No, no regrets in all these years. Which is actually something I struggle with because I know that, purely based on religious grounds, if nothing else, I should regret those years. But I just don’t.

Ok

Why on Earth would a casual sex partner ignore me a few days later?

Surely you cannot be astonished at this question.

It’s the fodder for about a million sitcoms, rom-coms, facebook updates, internet memes, journal entries, novels.

Why would a casual sex partner ignore you a few days later?
Because he used you* and doesn’t want you anymore.

That seems pretty clear.

*You is a rhetorical you. Not a personal you. I have no idea, of course, about the personal you.

 

[PRmerger]

Out of the whole lot that I still keep in touch with, about 30-35 people, I believe 5 are or have been on anti-depressants.

LOL!

Seriously, you know the medications of all the folks you’ve had casual sex with?

As far as physical, emotional, and sexual exposure…hmmm, how to explain? I’ve always been very comfortable with my body, so I’ve never felt uncomfortable with physical exposure.

Really? You wouldn’t have a problem with a hair from a casual sex partner in your food?

Sexual exposure is mutual, so I’ve never been uncomfortable with that, either. Emotional exposure didn’t exist within casual sex, so wasn’t a problem.

Oh, it most certainly does exist. You risk the risk of someone you know casually letting all of your friends know, “Guess what MJ did during sex–it was quite embarrassing. And let me tell you, she likes A, B and C and was horrible at doing D, E and F.”

I know it’s difficult to understand for some people.

To be sure.

 

[anon67074017]

It has reduced some women to materialist objects. Is this what the liberals want?

 

[Javan]

Oh, it most certainly does exist. You risk the risk of someone you know casually letting all of your friends know, “Guess what MJ did during sex–it was quite embarrassing. And let me tell you, she likes A, B and C and was horrible at doing D, E and F.”

He could say stuff like that, sure.

And then she could turn around and say something along the lines of “…and it was so small! And he only lasted 10 seconds! What a waste of time, it was over before I even knew we had started!”

It doesn’t benefit anyone to gossip about their casual sex partners in such fashion. Most of the time I’ve ever heard anyone go on about one of their exes like that, it was after a really bad breakup, not a casual fling. There’s no point in trying to smear someone you had no attachment to.

 

[PRmerger]

He could say stuff like that, sure.

And then she could turn around and say something along the lines of “…and it was so small! And he only lasted 10 seconds! What a waste of time, it was over before I even knew we had started!”

Egg-zactly.

Emotional.

Thanks for proving my point.

It doesn’t benefit anyone to gossip about their casual sex partners in such fashion.

And yet there’s that risk every time.

It occurs, this very embarrassing and revealing gossip, and one risks this emotional affliction with each and every casual sexual encounter.

 

[PRmerger]

He could say stuff like that, sure.

And then she could turn around and say something along the lines of “…and it was so small! And he only lasted 10 seconds! What a waste of time, it was over before I even knew we had started!”

It doesn’t benefit anyone to gossip about their casual sex partners in such fashion. Most of the time I’ve ever heard anyone go on about one of their exes like that, it was after a really bad breakup, not a casual fling. There’s no point in trying to smear someone you had no attachment to.

Also, there’s the fact that you can’t really say what sexual practices you really like with a casual encounter. It’s just too intimate of a revelation.

And, as stated earlier by a practitioner of this type of sexual encounter, there is no intimacy here.

 

[Sarcelle]

Egg-zactly.

Emotional.

Thanks for proving my point.

And yet there’s that risk every time.

It occurs, this very embarrassing and revealing gossip, and one risks this emotional affliction with each and every casual sexual encounter.

You do not have to be sexually active to have gossip spread about you. I have turned down many an advance or umm, proposition, because as I said earlier, I do not see the value of it. Too much risk and for what?

Anyway the guys I turned down would spread rumors about me which of course I would hear later. Wow, I was a lot wilder than I thought.

There were also rumors about me being gay since I did not sleep around. Can’t win.

 

[PRmerger]

Most of the time I’ve ever heard anyone go on about one of their exes like that, it was after a really bad breakup, not a casual fling.

Too true. Too true. :sad_yes:

Another case for making sure you follow God’s plan and stay married to the one you vowed to stay married to.

 

[PRmerger]

You do not have to be sexually active to have gossip spread about you. I have turned down many an advance or umm, proposition, because as I said earlier, I do not see the value of it. Too much risk and for what?

Anyway the guys I turned down would spread rumors about me which of course I would hear later. Wow, I was a lot wilder than I thought.

There were also rumors about me being gay since I did not sleep around. Can’t win.

True, true.

Still doesn’t change the fact that having sex with a casual partner leaves one emotionally vulnerable, protests to the contrary notwithstanding.

When one gets naked with someone (metaphorical as well as physical), there is no doubt that there is an emotional nakedness that NECESSARILY accompanies this.

They are comorbid conditions.

 

[HouseArrest]

I am in the midwest. It’s been fairly common here for as long as I can remember.

This question wasn’t addressed to me, but I also enjoyed the hook-up culture when I was in my late teens and early 20’s. More than 20 years later and no regrets here, either.

Alcohol and/or drugs can be involved in hook-ups, but plenty of hook-ups happen among sober people, too. I have now and have had in the past many friends who do not drink or do any other drugs, ever, and have casual sex semi-regularly or regularly.

There is a difference between sex and intimacy. For some, sex is purely physical and intimacy is mental/emotional. It’s possible to have one without the other.

Then is viewing porn okay? If you can separate love and “just sex”, then why not? How about an extramarital affair? If it’s just a one night stand? Why not?

There are studies that claim that there is a chemical release during sex that bonds the participants together. I am not sure it can be purposely blocked.

The simple answer? Love. Emotional bonding and intimacy. Having casual sex was an expression of physical desire and physical desire only. Having sex with DH is an expression of physical desire, but it’s also an expression of love and commitment. I enjoyed the casual sex I had, but I enjoy sex with DH on a deeper level.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

I just find it awful, really. Eve only had Adam. I feel sorry for her. No other men for her to “experiment” with, other than her sons. She must have really felt deprived of what all of the women after her could indulge in.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

I think teens especially should abstain for all these reasons from the hook up world. They are not equipped psychologically to deal with this even if their hormones say otherwise. that is my honest opinion.

Actually, they are. In long ago days, a girl could be married by the time she was twelve or so. Yet at least she would only have been with one man, and he would be her husband. And the man could be sixteen or so. For a long ago time, perfectly fine to do. In a way, I feel it should still be that way. These “teenagers” are obviously “ready” to be “grownup.” I feel it is because, naturally, they are of the age that a while ago they could have just been married.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Actually, they are. In long ago days, a girl could be married by the time she was twelve or so. Yet at least she would only have been with one man, and he would be her husband. And the man could be sixteen or so. For a long ago time, perfectly fine to do. In a way, I feel it should still be that way. These “teenagers” are obviously “ready” to be “grownup.” I feel it is because, naturally, they are of the age that a while ago they could have just been married.

Times have changed and while teens have hormones dictating that their bodies are preparing themselves for sex it was not intended to be with strangers or casually or even in serious relationships outside of marriage. They are not emotionally mature to handle the consequences of relationships and sex with maturing into spiritually well balanced adults.

And one must remember that teens married in a certain era because life expectancy was short and they didn’t get educated so this is not related to our modern times.

 

[EasterJoy]

Actually, they are. In long ago days, a girl could be married by the time she was twelve or so. Yet at least she would only have been with one man, and he would be her husband. And the man could be sixteen or so. For a long ago time, perfectly fine to do.

As it turns out, while ratification of marriage pacts happened when girls were that young, it was really rather rare for 12 year olds to consummate their marriages until they were older. They’d live in their in-laws’ home, but not consummate their marriages with their husbands until they were old enough to be mothers.

In a way, I feel it should still be that way. These “teenagers” are obviously “ready” to be “grownup.” I feel it is because, naturally, they are of the age that a while ago they could have just been married.

It would be very silly for someone to marry that young in an age when people have the capacity for self-determination that we have now. To have your whole life set out for you practically from the cradle was one thing back in a stratified society where your caste was your lot in life and your marriage was how your parents saw to it that you’d have a life that was as secure and had the highest dignity they could manage to procure for you.

In our times, the nuclear family has to fend for itself. There is no class system to dictate all one’s choices, no extended family to dictate identity, no sense that to fail to marry is to face old age vulnerable to the whims of those who have many responsibilities closer to their hearts than you. The brides and grooms of our time face their futures with far more choices and far more consequences for choosing badly from that array. The most secure futures take many more years of preparation than they did back then. There are many things about our natures that we have to contend with in exchange for the opportunities we have now. The loss of arranged marriages as a realistic choice a parent can make on behalf of a child is one of them, and for good reason.

 

[Sarcelle]

As it turns out, while ratification of marriage pacts happened when girls were that young, it was really rather rare for 12 year olds to consummate their marriages until they were older. They’d live in their in-laws’ home, but not consummate their marriages with their husbands until they were old enough to be mothers.

It would be very silly for someone to marry that young in an age when people have the capacity for self-determination that we have now. To have your whole life set out for you practically from the cradle was one thing back in a stratified society where your caste was your lot in life and your marriage was how your parents saw to it that you’d have a life that was as secure and had the highest dignity they could manage to procure for you.

In our times, the nuclear family has to fend for itself. There is no class system to dictate all one’s choices, no extended family to dictate identity, no sense that to fail to marry is to face old age vulnerable to the whims of those who have many responsibilities closer to their hearts than you. The brides and grooms of our time face their futures with far more choices and far more consequences for choosing badly from that array. The most secure futures take many more years of preparation than they did back then. There are many things about our natures that we have to contend with in exchange for the opportunities we have now. The loss of arranged marriages as a realistic choice a parent can make on behalf of a child is one of them, and for good reason.

I agree about the extended family no longer existing, at least here in the US, but class still very much exists.

 

[JimG]

I apologize for adding yet another link, but this seems on topic. Kelly Thomas, who heads up a campus chapter of Love and Fidelity Network, thinks that what she calls “Millenial’s secret desire” is for real dating rather than hook-ups. Even though her blog post is titled “Come over for sex, devoid of commitment.”

 

[Le_Cracquere]

You do realize that there are countless websites filled with men and women looking for these exact types of encounters, right?

Actually … this probably says tons about my social infirmities, but no. I didn’t. Which are they?

 

[HouseArrest]

Actually … this probably says tons about my social infirmities, but no. I didn’t. Which are they?

Tinder for one, but that doesn’t mean everyone on there is happy with the arrangements.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Actually … this probably says tons about my social infirmities, but no. I didn’t. Which are they?

Adult Friend Finder is the first that comes to mind, but there are lots. Heck, people even use Craigslist for it!

Using a site never appealed to me in the slightest though.

 

[LethalMouse]

Adult Friend Finder is the first that comes to mind, but there are lots. Heck, people even use Craigslist for it!

Using a site never appealed to me in the slightest though.

When you have 2 jobs and a kid, free time is lacking. In my worldy days said sites were rather time effiecient. And plus opened up the radius to many more options. And basically if a girl messaged you you knew it was already basically going ti be good to go.

Though in my defense I was more a long term FWB person and not a one nighter… never actually had one night that didnt lead to more.