What to do? Very lost

  • Thread starter Thread starter fm1982
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

fm1982

Guest
My wife has been depressed going on a year. She developed it while pregnant with our fourth baby and life has been a challenge ever since. The baby is four months old now, but she continually says that she can’t stand being around the kids, she wants to be away from them, doesn’t want to be a mother any more, etc.

Last month, she began an affair, at first online, then it progressed to “real life”, to her going over and “making out” with him. I was able to find these tidbits on her computer whenever she left it open. I let things go for a while to see what she would do, how far she would go, what kind of character would she show. It involved “secret” coffee dates after her regular outings where she would tell me she was going out with her girlfriends, sending pictures through email (not safe for work type pictures if you know what I mean), watching pornography together through video chatting including masturbation, going over to his house when his wife wasn’t home until about 10 days ago it progressed to a “make out” session at his house from her account to her friend online. The wife still does not know from what I know and quite frankly I don’t see any benefit in telling her and ruining her family as well.

The “make out” session was covered in a number of lies. I lined up the evidence, including pictures of our family vehicle sitting out side his house when she was at the “gym”. I uncovered the evidence piece by piece and it wasn’t until she was reading what she wrote to her friend that she admitted to anything. She was quite nonchalant about it all, trying to deflect blame, saying it was no big deal, it was over, etc. She eventually apologized, I remained quite cool and collected throughout and she promised to be trustworthy, faithful, that she “needs” me, etc, but that if I wanted her to leave she would. She told me she wouldn’t fight for the kids - not that she could handle them at all, I do all of the childcare when they are not at a babysitter - she is a stay at home “mom”. She said she would leave them all, including the baby. She told me that it would give her a guilt free way to kill herself since she’d have no reason to live without her kids. At that point I realized how sick she was - over my dead body would anyone take my kids from me. I truly felt sorry and tried my absolute best to treat her with respect and understanding in spite of my feelings of hurt.

During the whole month long debacle, I also found out that while we were engaged almost 10 years ago she had slept with someone else and never told me. This upset me too, she tried to write it off, but to me it’s a serious strike. I’m not sure I would have married a cheater if I knew, but with 4 kids, it was tough to break it off.

Fast forward to Monday of this week. The guy with whom it was over, is apparently not over. Secret email and Facebook accounts and an arranged date for Monday morning. Digging through the secret account I found out that they had sex with each other (and apparently enjoyed it). This was after she had promised me the night before that I could trust her. Even after I found out, but didn’t disclose I knew, she insisted she was sorry for hurting me and that she would never do it again.

I’m at a loss right now. A year of dedicated service, dragging myself around exhausted trying to run a household with 4 kids + 1 adult sized depressed kid has burned through a lot of my energy reserves. Thank God I’m fairly young by today’s standards to have 4 kids otherwise I don’t know how I could do it. I take care of the house, kids, money, work while she goes out, sleeps, does whatever she wants because she “can’t” do anything else - too much anxiety, too tired, depressed, etc. Then I find out about an affair and a past cheating and am willing to continue, even step up my game even more. Then I find out about a third affair. It’s so ridiculous I almost can’t believe it.

Is it worth it, or should I just be done? What kind of example is this setting for our young children? I don’t know if I want my kids to grow up in an environment where mom is off having affairs while dad is holding the fort up at home, where there is no trust. If we do separate, I would be on my own with 4 kids 24/7/365 for the next 18 years. I have the support of friends who will help, but it would be a lot to handle, but I know I could do it. God has given me unimaginable strength over the past year to deal with everything thrown my way. If you had asked me about raising 4 kids on my own a year ago, I would have never imagined it possible, now it is effectively reality.

Do I buy her suicide threats if I ask her to leave? Is there any liability on my part knowing this may happen if I end this? It’s pretty serious emotional blackmail, but in my heart I know that she has made her bed and if she lies in it, it is her choices, not mine that would lead to anything happening to her.

She says she wants to work on the marriage, but less than 18 hours later she is in bed with another man after professing her love to me and saying that I can trust her and that she will not hurt me in this way again!!!

What do I tell the kids? How do all of this? I’m hoping to line all my ducks up in a row before doing anything. Apologies for the rant like nature of this post, I just don’t know what else to do - I am so lost with this situation.
 
  1. Talk to your priest. 2. Don’t leave her around the kids alone she sounds emotionally unstable (Andrea Yates, Diane Downs, Susan Smith-get the picture? :eek:) 3. I would strongly suggest kicking her out. It would be hard for you and the kids but alot harder with an emotionally unstable lying adulterer in the house influencing the kids.
Talk to your priest first then proceed from there.

DoT

Just wanted to add…this doesn’t mean divorce is an option. You can stay the innocent party, the godly party and stay single ie married and living alone celibate. She can throw in her lot with the devil.
 
From what you describe it sounds like your wife needs a good psychiatrist, and an OB-GYN who is experienced with patients with hormonal imbalances and post-partum depression. Unfortunately, you can’t make her to get the care she most likely needs, though you can encourage her to do so, if you wish. If she refuses to get help, and her behavior is a threat to your kids (physically or mentally), your first priority is to keep them safe.

Stay close to the sacraments and your parish priest. If you are separated or even divorced, the Church is still open to you.
 
This is terrible and my heart goes out to you. I am a father of four, but can’t possibly imagine how hard this is for you right now. You are in my prayers.

I don’t have any great advice to give, and no idea what I would do. As others have said, talk to your priest and frequent the sacraments (as much as it’s possible with four young children). If you can, try to get your wife to see a doctor and deal with the mental health issues.
 
This is a horrible situation that your family has been put into. It is not my place to advise you but I think that you do need to get counselling yourself from a good solid Priest and to get your children in a safer environment. Your wife is obviously suffering mentally and perhaps even physically from something hormonal or psychiatric, or both. Not a healthy place for yourself or your children to be.
A divorce is not the first option, but it may come to that. First try all you can to get the help you need to help your wife. If she refuses then you have some very tough times ahead.
Pray and remember to protect your spiritual well being as well as your childrens. This is paramount. Keep them around faithful Catholics and try to attend Holy Mass with them as often as you can.

If divorce follows and there is no annulment then you will have to remain single, but perhaps this is a better option than the present one.

I pray that you will find your way in this mess created around you and that your kids will be O.K. I also pray for your wife. That she will find the help she needs in order to be a good wife and mother. God be with you all…:blessyou:
 
fm1982 said:
What do I tell the kids? How do all of this? I’m hoping to line all my ducks up in a row before doing anything. Apologies for the rant like nature of this post, I just don’t know what else to do - I am so lost with this situation.
Click to expand...
I went through a similar experience after 20 years of marriage. Thankfully in my case, of the 3 children that we had, one was away in college and the other two were in high school, so I had no “little ones” to care for. I went through heck and my emotions ran from trying to forgive her and work everything out to giving up and taking my children and leaving. In the end, I tried, and then I tried again, and then again… eventually, SHE was the one that said, “Enough, I’m filing for a divorce.” Like in your situation, my “wife” claimed that she did not wish to be a mother any longer, so the issue of child custody over the 2 children that remained at home wasn’t an issue. All in all, it was a very civil process. I didn’t seek any child support from her, and we split the bills and simply went our separate ways. I then petitioned for an annulment which was denied. When I told her of this, she then petitioned and again it was denied. So, in our case, we remain married in the Church but civilly divorced.

My advice to you is to seek a good family attorney. And start getting your “ducks in a row” now. Don’t prolong this as it will only cause you more pain for a longer period of time. If your wife is sleeping around, she is putting you at risk physically with the possibility of HIV and/or STDs. Your children need their father. Don’t allow her to jeopardize that. God bless you and your children. You’re in my prayers.
 
Man, this sounds terrible. I feel for you.

One thing not mentioned… Is I dont know if can rely more on help from either your parents or the in-laws. Cause it sounds like you have too much on your plate on your own?

Divorce is also a big emotional drain. (I am divorced and remarried non-catholic myself.) You could ask for a period of separation first, to see first if she will change. Good luck

edit… and speak to your priest about it
 
I’m a guy and I’m 26 now, but judging by your display name, fm1982, I’m not much younger than you. My mother seems to be very much like your wife, except she got custody of me from my father and then re-married and then divorced. She was constantly cheating on my stepfather, though, and he didn’t even know half of it. I was emotionally blackmailed and was complicit into keeping it all a secret. It was disturbing for me as a young kid to randomly find sex toys and pornographic pictures of my own mother or nude pictures of other men in secret stashes around the house. My step-father separated from her at first for some years, but things only got worse and she became open in her affairs. Unfortunately, it seems that good people often get married to bad people, and it is the innocent party that suffers.

My mother’s divorced and cohabiting at the moment, but she hasn’t changed at all. When I was younger, she successfully manipulated me and poisoned my relationship with my father as well, which I managed to re-establish later in my teens. I maintain a fairly good relationship with both my parents, step-father and even her current long-term lover, so whatever happens, know that it should be possible for your kids to maintain a civil relationship regardless of the shortcomings of their family members.

If things do go down the road of divorce, I honestly think the kids would be better off with you, as my experience with my mother has been damaging to me psychologically. I’m not qualified to say what the right thing to do in this situation would be, and I would suggest you seek guidance from a priest, but I would take no heed of threats of suicide and such like. It is a common manipulative tactic, and they are typically empty threats. In any case, if you do what is right, you are not responsible for the actions of another, and you shouldn’t let yourself be blackmailed into doing the wrong thing, because then, you are responsible.

I’m really sorry you’ve been betrayed in this way and the pain you must have been going through is no doubt intense. But even though you must be at the end of your tether emotionally, you are doing a fantastic job at trying to stay level-headed and to proceed rationally.

My prayers are with you, man.
 
I don’t know what to say to you, but I will remember you in my prayers.
 
Your wife does sound very depressed – and depression can make people do terrible things. This does not excuse her behaviour, but perhaps provides and explanation.

In your case, I think your only alternative is separation with no contact until your wife agrees to counselling and puts an end to her affairs. In the meantime, I would speak to an attorney to make sure you’re armed with all the information you need.

I’m so sorry.
 
I am amazed at how well ypu have handled things so far and it is evident God has given you a lot of strength and grace to be able to ride these tides. Intensify your prayer life as much as you can and get a spiritual director if possible.

Your eife has taken a very destructive course and your number one priority is to protect your children and yourself.

She needs psychiatric help, possibly mefication and lots of prayers of deliverance, unfortunately you cannot force any of his on her, so either she choses these remedies in order to be what she should be, or loses her family, destroys the other family and goes down this road of ultimate (self-)destruction.

Perhaps give her the choice this bluntly but no matter what she says, unless there is a visible, progressive change do not delay in removing the children from this situation. Any grandparents available?
Praying for you!!
 
nancymarie said:
Your wife does sound very depressed – and depression can make people do terrible things. This does not excuse her behaviour, but perhaps provides and explanation.

In your case, I think your only alternative is separation with no contact until your wife agrees to counselling and puts an end to her affairs. In the meantime, I would speak to an attorney to make sure you’re armed with all the information you need.

I’m so sorry.
Click to expand...
I know you mean well, but depression does not involve seeking out extramarital affairs. That is a moral failure, not to be connected with any depression she might have suffered.

OP, you don’t have a wife and mother for your kids - as you said, she’s like a rebellious teenager lying and sneaking around behind your back. Get her out of there, it will be a relief. The threat of suicide is either real or it’s not, but in either case, you’re not responsible for that. You can offer psychiatric help but it would be up to her to accept it. If she wanted to get well, she would have already sought treatment.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Don’t hesitate to go and speak to your priest. Her choices are immoral.
 
defenderoftruth said:
  1. Talk to your priest. 2. Don’t leave her around the kids alone she sounds emotionally unstable (Andrea Yates, Diane Downs, Susan Smith-get the picture? :eek:) 3. I would strongly suggest kicking her out. It would be hard for you and the kids but alot harder with an emotionally unstable lying adulterer in the house influencing the kids.
Talk to your priest first then proceed from there.

.
Click to expand...
I agree. This is a good plan.
 
I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said. Sound advice from everyone.

I’m sorry you and your children are in this position. You have my prayers. :hug1:
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I know you mean well, but depression does not involve seeking out extramarital affairs. That is a moral failure, not to be connected with any depression she might have suffered.
.
Click to expand...
That is the first thing I thought too.

She may very well be depressed…but she sure is finding ways to get around it.
 
dailey said:
That is the first thing I thought too.

She may very well be depressed…but she sure is finding ways to get around it.
Click to expand...
I’m thinking that sounds a lot more like Borderline if anything. I have chronic depression and never once, while depressed, have I been tempted to find an on-line adulterous affair and go have sex.
 
I have nothing positive to say.

Your wife is a cheat. I’m quite human when it comes to this.

I’m very sorry your heart is breaking. This must have taken your breath away.

Many, many prayers.
 
Fm1982,

I am so sorry for you situation, I also have / am going through this same thing. My wife after 15.5 years of marriage also started having an affair – with another married man so it shows me that she has no respect for marriage or the laws of God. She left the Church months before it started because she knew where it was leading. I had suspicion also and every time I asked her about them she had an excuse or a reason why I was untrusting. We were even in counseling and she kept meeting and sleeping with the other guy. I discovered by checking her e-mails, regardless if it was wrong or not I did. I found an e-mail chain between the two of them in very graphic detail of what they were doing.

When I confronted my wife she pretended to be upset then got angry with me telling me the whole thing was / is my fault, and that she thought our marriage was strong enough to survive an affair. She has also tried that “I will hurt myself” **** if I leave or divorce her. Even after finding out the truth she told me she would never contact him again, but 2 weeks later while logged in I asked to check her e-mail and there they were she was still in contact with him.

For me that was the last straw, I removed my wedding ring which was once a symbol of a bond that God had joined but now was just a reminder of lies, betrayal, and deception, and I have filed for divorce. I have talked with my Priest and explained not only the current events but the past history of lies and deceptions also, and he pointed out to me that she could just be manipulating me and that without consequences of her actions there is no stopping how far she could go.

This is my situation, and everyone’s is different only you know what is best for you and your children. Talk to your priest and ask for his advice. I will also PM you with my e-mail address if you want to talk to another going through the something you are. Again I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, it is something that no one should go through.

Winter.
 
I will pray for you.

First of all, depression is an illness, sometimes when people are depressed they are genuinely not in control of the things they do or the choices they make. She may genuinely want to be faithful, but just be too weak to resist other desires. The first thing that has to happen is she has to seek treatment, and you have to provide every encouragement for her to do that. If you genuinely think your wife is an immediate risk to herself or the kids, e.g. if she describes a particular suicide method or seems to be stockpiling pills/buys a gun, etc. then you have an obligation to call 911 and get her to emergency psychiatric help.

The second thing is you need to decide what you want for your life and your children. If you stay, you need to support your wife, pray for her, forgive her when she falls, and fit your life around putting your wife first, even when things are extremely difficult. It will be hard, and it may be hard for decades. It may have an effect on the kids, but the effect of having a faithful Catholic father who models truly unconditional love for their mother is also not to be discounted. If you leave, you ought to know that cheating during your engagement would be pretty powerful evidence before an annulment tribunal, so you may genuinely be able to get yourself free of this bond [DISCLAIMER: I’m not a canon lawyer, and have never been through an annulment], but then I don’t think that’s what you want, and not only because you’ll have to look after the kids. After many years of marriage, after giving you children and giving up her own career goals to look after them, I think you know that, in spite of her illness, your wife wants to love you, and you want to love her. You need to make a choice, to stay no-matter what, or to go and do everything to cut loose. I really don’t think being ‘married but separated’ is a great idea, unless as a temporary measure to protect the children. Whatever the choice, you are free, only do what you do because of love and commit it to God in prayer.
 
faithfully said:
I have nothing positive to say.

Your wife is a cheat. I’m quite human when it comes to this.

I’m very sorry your heart is breaking. This must have taken your breath away.

Many, many prayers.
Click to expand...
Agreed,
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top