What to Do...

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Wow thank you all again for your advice, it really helps a lot especially since it has been so stressful around here today.

Well I still don’t know…I’m a week late now, my temp is still up and this is the first time since I had my daughter that it’s been up 2 days in a row. My husband wants us to wait another week before we take a pregnancy test. I think that is just going to make things more stressful around here, but he says the longer you wait the more accurate it will be.

We had a huge fight this morning it and he ended up saying that the real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control and that I’m forcing him to do things my way even though I know he doesn’t like it. He told me he didn’t like it because he didn’t feel it was effective enough since we should just be focusing on our baby right now and buying a house, so having a baby is not a good idea right now. He wanted us to use condoms, and basically what I told him was I think it is wrong and I’m not going to go out and buy them. Well he said he thinks I should because he is the husband and I have to submit to him. I kept trying to tell him that I would rather use NFP as it is much more effective than the rm and he kept saying there was no big difference.

Sorry if all that paints him in a bad light, he is really a sweet guy. He did say he would be happy still if I am pregnant, even though it’s not the timing he would have liked, because he considers these sort of things “God’s will”. Kind of confusing at that…

I don’t want to make him upset. If I’m not pregnant, we may end up using condoms. As bad as I feel about that, I don’t like the alternative either. If I try to learn NFP I would have to do it on my own, he won’t help, and if somehow I did get pregnant anyway he would blame me and my method. For once I would like to get pregnant on HIS terms and show him how it feels to be the one at “fault.” I think it is really really wrong that he even talks about it this way, I really do think a part of him is scared of having more kids, and mostly for financial reasons. Our daughter was born because I prayed for a daughter, and he resented that all through the pregnancy, because he truly believes I was wrong to do that without asking him first. Of course now that she’s here he adores her. :love:
 
A child is a gift from God. Obviously, He thought you were ready for her! By not using artificial contraception, you are being open to life. Isnt that how God wants us to be? God comes first, even before your husband. How long has your temp been up for? How long have you had a cold for? Remember too that your hormones may still be out of wack from having your daughter.
 
Oh i forgot to ask, how do you know when you ovulate by using the r method?
 
Hi Christian4Life ~~

Please keep us updated girl! I will pray for you.
I know you said your husband is really a sweet guy ~ but right now he is making me really mad! :mad: I feel like it is selfish for him to force you (emotionally) to do something you feel is immoral.
I’m sorry - I don’t want to insult you but you seem so nice. :o
I guess the reason it gets to me is because I have never been able to get pregnant and what you have is such a gift ~ and your husband needs to see that.
Good luck dear!

Ridesawhitehorse
 
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Christian4life:
We had a huge fight this morning it and he ended up saying that the real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control and that I’m forcing him to do things my way even though I know he doesn’t like it. He told me he didn’t like it because he didn’t feel it was effective enough since we should just be focusing on our baby right now and buying a house, so having a baby is not a good idea right now. He wanted us to use condoms, and basically what I told him was I think it is wrong and I’m not going to go out and buy them. Well he said he thinks I should because he is the husband and I have to submit to him. I kept trying to tell him that I would rather use NFP as it is much more effective than the rm and he kept saying there was no big difference.

I don’t want to make him upset. If I’m not pregnant, we may end up using condoms. As bad as I feel about that, I don’t like the alternative either. If I try to learn NFP I would have to do it on my own, he won’t help, and if somehow I did get pregnant anyway he would blame me and my method.
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Well, even when used correctly, condoms have at best a 90% effectiveness rating for preventing pregnancy- meaning that at least 10% of couples who use them will have a pregancy in a year. Compare that to modern NFP methods (NOT “rhythm”), which are at least 95% effective if used correctly. If you know when you are fertile and avoid intercourse during that time, you won’t get pregnant. Simple as that. Buy a book and teach yourself- taking temps is not enough. My husband didn’t want to go to a class either (he isn’t Catholic and the marriage prep/NFP overview weirded him out- quite frankly, the way it was presented weirded me out as well), but he didn’t have a problem using NFP if that was what I wanted, so I learned from a book. You can also get a home-study course from the Couple to Couple League that many people have recommended for those who can’t take a class for one reason or another. www.ccli.org

Regardless of what happens, take it from another woman that you owe it to yourself to learn about your body and its fertility signs. You might even have the same angry reaction as I did at first: “What the h***? Why is this not taught to us? How do so many women get from puberty to menopause without ever learning this stuff? Why are we still so ignorant in the year 2004?”
 
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Christian4life:
We had a huge fight this morning it and he ended up saying that the real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control and that I’m forcing him to do things my way even though I know he doesn’t like it. He told me he didn’t like it because he didn’t feel it was effective enough since we should just be focusing on our baby right now and buying a house, so having a baby is not a good idea right now. He wanted us to use condoms, and basically what I told him was I think it is wrong and I’m not going to go out and buy them. Well he said he thinks I should because he is the husband and I have to submit to him. I kept trying to tell him that I would rather use NFP as it is much more effective than the rm and he kept saying there was no big difference.

…I don’t want to make him upset. If I’m not pregnant, we may end up using condoms. As bad as I feel about that, I don’t like the alternative either. If I try to learn NFP I would have to do it on my own, he won’t help, and if somehow I did get pregnant anyway he would blame me and my method. For once I would like to get pregnant on HIS terms and show him how it feels to be the one at “fault.” I think it is really really wrong that he even talks about it this way, I really do think a part of him is scared of having more kids, and mostly for financial reasons. Our daughter was born because I prayed for a daughter, and he resented that all through the pregnancy, because he truly believes I was wrong to do that without asking him first. Of course now that she’s here he adores her. :love:
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Christian4Life - I bolded the areas of your post that I felt important.

The first one is - the real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control - Your husband does not fully understand the proper of submission of a wife to her husband, since you should not submit to his sinful desire or request. To use condoms or any other birth control would be a sin. You were right to not submit here, even though the rhythm method is only about 60% effective.

Next - he didn’t like it because he didn’t feel it was effective - I presume, here, he is talking about the rhythm method? In this case, he was right. But, the rhythm method is out of date (it was superceded by NFP in the late 60’s).

Now, **I kept trying to tell him that I would rather use NFP as it is much more effective than the rm and he kept saying there was no big difference. **You are correct. NFP is about 98% effective. There is an enormous difference.

**If I try to learn NFP I would have to do it on my own, he won’t help. **The ideal would be for you to both learn together, but if he really won’t help, don’t let that stop you. Learn everything you can about NFP. With prayer, he will, eventually, see that you are right and join with you in this.

For once I would like to get pregnant on HIS terms and show him how it feels to be the one at “fault.” Now, you know this is just your frustration showing! You really don’t mean that.

If you are pregnant - first, Congratulations, - then use the time of the pregnancy to learn everything you can about NFP and share it, in tiny doses, with your husband. “Accidentally” leave leaflets, bruchures or books (one at a time) in places where he must find them, hoping that he will read them. And pray. Pray without ceasing for your husband.
 
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TarAshly:
i tell you what if you are pregnant…:dancing: CONGRATULATIONS! my soon to be hubby doesnt want kids for a while either, i hope to convince him. i would never EVER go and get pregnant with out him knowing i was trying to. but he wants to wait five years and im ready NOW! but i told him once we got our business off of the ground could we reconsider the five year plan. im HOPEFULL! he loves my sisters baby and our God son. maybe he’ll come around.
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Yo, Tar! Hope you convince your husband. Realistically, with his health problems, you might not have a lot of time to take care of business – and you know he’s not likely to see old age . . . God love ya!
 
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mercygate:
Yo, Tar! Hope you convince your husband. Realistically, with his health problems, you might not have a lot of time to take care of business – and you know he’s not likely to see old age . . . God love ya!
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You never know…my step-grandpa (my grandma remarried after my grandfather died) was a Type 1 diabetic. He had a very full life- he had also been married and widowed before marrying my grandma, he fought in WWII and was awarded the Purple Heart and a whole slew of other medals, and he retired from Ford Motor Co. with a pension that allowed him to travel around the world. He was reasonably healthy (with strict diet and insulin) until he was about 70, and passed away at 74. He was a great guy, and the only grandpa I had.

Take care of your hubby, TarAshly, and hopefully you will have many, many happy years with him.
 
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Christian4life:
We had a huge fight this morning it and he ended up saying that the real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control and that I’m forcing

Well he said he thinks I should because he is the husband and I have to submit to him. I kept trying to tell him that I would rather use NFP as it is much more effective than the rm and he kept saying there was no big difference.
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I agree with Joan M’s advice on this. I would also like to add that he owes **YOU **respect as well. You respect your Church enough to follow her teachings.

Our society is so sex crazy that sex on demand has become the norm. The trouble with sex on demand is that its takes away the proper perspective of what the marriage act is for (procreative & unitive) and turns it into a selfish demand for pleasure.

Please don’t let him continue to tell you that there is no difference between NFP and contraception **especially **when he doesn’t even know the details! How can he criticize it when he hasn’t even taken a class (which are either free or very cheap, usually cost of materials) or read a book on it?
 
If you are pregnant, Congratulations!

It seems to me that the immediate situation is a symptom of a large issue. Your husband does not recognize the sinfullness of artificial contraception and is unwilling to learn about effective alternatives. He wants you to submit to him as instructed in Scripture, but does not want to lead morally.

Have you two discussed this with a faithful Catholic counselor? Is this the only area of your life where your moral values conflict?
(You don’t need to tell me the answer to these questions, but you should be looking for a way to build a covenental marriage.)
 
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Christian4life:
Well, this is kind of personal. I’m not sure I should say anything but…I just checked the calendar and I’m about 6 days late. I wouldn’t normally think anything of it because sometimes a woman’s cycles can be a bit irregular, except that my temperature is also a bit high right now. It could just be from a cold but I don’t know.

So, this is the problem. I don’t really think I’m pregnant but my husband is suspicious, and well, I think he would resent me if I am. Our beautiful daughter isn’t even 6 months old yet, and I think we both worry about having two very little ones at once. I know I could handle it, but it wasn’t what we were hoping for exactly.

But the main thing is, he wanted to use contraception and I didn’t. I told him I wouldn’t, and so we haven’t been. Instead, I’ve been tracking my temperature, and I have been doing it every morning, but I think I may have done it wrong. He never really approved of this idea to begin with and hasn’t supported me at all.

He just kind of gave in to make me happy.

This morning I asked him if he would resent me (if I got pregnant again right away) for not using contraception, and he said, “That’s why I wanted to use contraception.”
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First off, if you’re heading into another pregnancy, you’ll manage. (I’m a mom of twins with older brothers that close in age… really, you will.) And yes, your cycles can be expected to be a little off for awhile after a baby.

Secondly, if you’re not still taking the pregnancy vitamins, get back on them… as every sexually-active woman who is remotely of child-bearing age should be.

Third, you were open to life. Life happens… even if you use contraception. You need to keep the dialogue open with your husband as to why you feel the way you do about contraception, though. Not seeing eye-to-eye happens in marriages, resentments happen… and sometimes resentments lead to people saying things they don’t mean. Keep talking, and resolve not to put anything he says in the heat of the moment down in the stone of your mind. You have not been dishonest or selfish, so have compassion for what he is feeling, but don’t be sold any guilt over it. He’ll come around to seeing that this new child deserves a warm welcome, in any case.
 
I’m sorry, but did you say that he resented you praying to God that your child would be a girl? If so, that is soooo weird!

I hope everything is OK. A pregnancy test is accurate the first day a period is late. I don’t know how regular you are supposed to be at this point, but it’s been a week… a test bought at the drug store is the same test you’ll get at a doctor’s office. If it comes up positive, it’s completely accurate. There’s a chance you’ll get a false negative, but a small chance.

Go ahead, buy a test, and take it yourself.
 
Another vote here for what SeekerJen suggested - “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weischler (hope that’s spelled right…). The book has a wealth of information on charting, temping, etc…

Good luck!
 
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Christian4life:
it has been so stressful around here today.

. . . real reason he is mad is because he feels like I don’t respect him enough to submit to his way of birth control and that I’m forcing him to do things my way

. . . he thinks I should because he is the husband and I have to submit to him.

. . . I don’t want to make him upset. . . . If I try to learn NFP I would have to do it on my own, he won’t help, and if somehow I did get pregnant anyway he would blame me and my method.
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sounds like what is going on here is a control issue, and it is not about ABC or having more kids per se, it is about who is the boss in your little corner of paradise. You don’t have to answer on this forum (and probably should not) but what is he like about money? about where to go on vacations? what video to rent? whose family to vist on Christmas? who controls the remote? I am sure you get my drift.

The “I don’t want to make him upset” comment bothers me a lot. Why not? what happens when he gets upset? This forum is not the place to discuss your answers, but a good counsellor is. Go yourself first for a few session before you bring him in, or there should be sessions where each of you talks to the counsellor alone, not always together, or he may dominate the sessions. this really sounds like a priority for you, my dear.
 
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crazyage3:
Oh i forgot to ask, how do you know when you ovulate by using the r method?
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Well you track your temp at the same time every morning, and when it jumps up, that’s how you know. You have to do it for a little while so you get a feel for when it normally happens, so you don’t get confused by a cold or something. Not too effective, but better than nothin.
 
Well I am getting him to guy buy a pt today, so hopefully we will find out one way or another soon!
 
Christian4life~

Sending a Hail Mary your way for the intention of God’s will to be done.

Here’s what I’ve been mulling over as I’ve read through the posts: If you re-read your initial 2 posts, you didn’t ask a specific question about NFP, or even about your relationship with your husband. You just sort of laid it all out there, with the main theme being along the lines of “he wanted to use artificial contraception, I didn’t, now there’s a chance I might be pregnant.”

You sound (forgive me) a little passive about the whole situation…from using temp readings & calling that NFP & then the rhythm methond, to backing off about taking classes or digging for more reliable information, to letting the forum hash through all the potential dynamics…

Learning how your body functions, learning about your reproductive cycle, and learning how to track them is work. Learning the art of Natural Family Planning is work. Practicing the art of NFP as a couple is work. Practicing NFP as a couple when you’re the only part of the couple who wants to has got to be work. But! You’ve got to do the work!

Please know that I tell you all of the above in a spirit of & with a tone of encouragement (“C’mon, Christian4life! You’ve got the ball! You can do it! Practice! Practice!”) while also remembering that you are mothering a 6 month-old…and possibly pregnant with a second blessing.

I also tell you this as someone who, at one time, intellectually “got” how to chart multiple signs of fertility, but frankly, simply “didn’t feel like it” or “forgot” for any number of days per month. Now, my husband couldn’t follow me around all day & give me pep-talks each time I used the ladies’ room; I really see that as being 100% my responsibility. Part of the “art” of NFP is the communication: sharing your observations, keeping him posted on what that might mean re: where you are in your cycle, & then deciding, “Okay, we’re at point X in the cycle & both feeling ‘amorous’…are we in agreement that we go ahead? Stop?”

There’s a book called Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception by Sam & Bethany Torode. I have not read it, but many of my Catholic friends who have say that it did a nice job of helping them fortify their stances against artificial contraception. Maybe you might share it with your husband.

I hope that you will let me know if I said anything out-of-line…just another sister in Christ who means well but sometimes ends up sticking her foot in her mouth!

God bless.
 
It’s about 5 a.m. right now. I just took the test. It’s negative.

I have to admit I am a little relieved because of what other family members would think and also the reasons mentioned above. I’m a tiny bit disappointed too. I guess we are going to have to figure out what to do about birth control now, which means I’m probably going to be the one who compromises even though my method didn’t “fail” this time.

I am about 11 days late now, I think it probably is just stress, but we have decided we are going to take another pt in a week if nothing happens. He bought this cheap off brand, there is a small chance it could be wrong.
 
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StephanieC:
Christian4life~

Sending a Hail Mary your way for the intention of God’s will to be done.

Here’s what I’ve been mulling over as I’ve read through the posts: If you re-read your initial 2 posts, you didn’t ask a specific question about NFP, or even about your relationship with your husband. You just sort of laid it all out there, with the main theme being along the lines of “he wanted to use artificial contraception, I didn’t, now there’s a chance I might be pregnant.”

You sound (forgive me) a little passive about the whole situation…from using temp readings & calling that NFP & then the rhythm methond, to backing off about taking classes or digging for more reliable information, to letting the forum hash through all the potential dynamics…

Learning how your body functions, learning about your reproductive cycle, and learning how to track them is work. Learning the art of Natural Family Planning is work. Practicing the art of NFP as a couple is work. Practicing NFP as a couple when you’re the only part of the couple who wants to has got to be work. But! You’ve got to do the work!

Please know that I tell you all of the above in a spirit of & with a tone of encouragement (“C’mon, Christian4life! You’ve got the ball! You can do it! Practice! Practice!”) while also remembering that you are mothering a 6 month-old…and possibly pregnant with a second blessing.

I also tell you this as someone who, at one time, intellectually “got” how to chart multiple signs of fertility, but frankly, simply “didn’t feel like it” or “forgot” for any number of days per month. Now, my husband couldn’t follow me around all day & give me pep-talks each time I used the ladies’ room; I really see that as being 100% my responsibility. Part of the “art” of NFP is the communication: sharing your observations, keeping him posted on what that might mean re: where you are in your cycle, & then deciding, “Okay, we’re at point X in the cycle & both feeling ‘amorous’…are we in agreement that we go ahead? Stop?”

There’s a book called Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception by Sam & Bethany Torode. I have not read it, but many of my Catholic friends who have say that it did a nice job of helping them fortify their stances against artificial contraception. Maybe you might share it with your husband.

I hope that you will let me know if I said anything out-of-line…just another sister in Christ who means well but sometimes ends up sticking her foot in her mouth!

God bless.
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I never called it NFP. I don’t know enough about that method. That’s why I wanted to at least get a book on it, but that would’ve just caused fights between my husband and me. Now he says, I can learn NFP if I want, but we’re still going to use condoms, end of story. I told him if he wants to he has to buy them, and I’m not using the kind with spermicide (it can cause defects if you do get preg). Either way we are planning on being abstinent for the next week or so.

I have tried to explain to him about NFP and how I’ve heard it is pretty effective, and he does agree with me in theory, but isn’t willing to try it exclusively, or help me with it, or anything. We are both Protestants right now. I think I would like to be a Catholic as I have been reading up on it a lot lately and all, but he isn’t too enthused with the idea and says I am not bringing up our kids to be Catholics. But that is a subject for a different thread.
 
Christian4Life, please look into NFP. It only takes minutes a day, is extremely effective, and is safe. Find an FTP-only ob/gyn, and have your husband come with you to talk to the doctor.

I don’t know if others would agree with me on this, but I’d refuse my husband if he wanted to use a condom. I just would not be part of using contraception.
 
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