What would you do if you think your mother is a sociopath?

[Bill_7154]

The blue high-lighted segment of this statement completely contradicts the next couple of sentences. I’d say serial killers are the most crazy-making, upheaval-causing people out there. Also, sociopaths are not successful and popular. They are HUMAN PREDATORS. We should not congratulate them for how charming they are or how successfully they use other human beings.

I think you misunderstood my meaning. My meaning is that one can meet a sociopath and not recognize anything is wrong with them. They can and often do come across as CHARMING to people. How did Ted Bundy get so many people to willingly go with him? He was charming. When they are in social groups they do not act crazy, they BLEND IN. And there are sociopaths that earn millions by being charming people as well as people without consciouses.

So yes, their ACTS they commit as a result of them being sociopaths are horrible. But people can and do live married to sociopaths for decades and do not even know it. Becuase they know how to HIDE the fact that they have no concience. They know how to blend and APPEAR normal.

So you completely misunderstood what I was saying. Please try to pay attention to what I actually say, and not on what you THINK I MIGHT MEAN.

It was quite obvious to me your mother was not a sociopath when you first posted your OP becaue she was upsetting people with her behavior. Sociopaths learn to adapt to NOT do this so they can go undetected in committing their horrible acts.

So, again, I ask that you pay attention to what I write and stop thinking you can read my mind. You can’t. I am only responsible for what I SAY, not for what others THINK I MEAN. Rather than making assumptions I ask that next time you ASK if your not sure about what I might mean when I type something. It’s disfunctional to make assumptions about what other people mean and use that as a jumping off point to criticize them.

I am someone who suffered extreme abuse and neglect as a child and have devoted my life as an adult to working with the homeless, the mentally ill, etc. I took time out of my day in efforts to help you and you attack me? And attack me because you assume I think and/or mean things that I do not think or mean. Yes, your mother is affecting your behavior.

And one apparent example is your behavior towards me in what I am responding to which is part of your post. If you want others to treat you with respect, you should treat them with respect. I have not treated you disrespectfully yet you have treated me disrespectuflly.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

I am not attempting to diagnose my mother at all. This whole thread is about what I should do. I need to figure out how to protect myself from a mother who has mistreated me for a lifetime.

continued below due to length

Well then maybe you shouldn’t come across as crass towards someone on this forum who grew up in a houshold where he suffered extreme physical and emotional abuse and neglect (including sexual, and all the lesser forms of abuse like verbal, etc). Because that turns me off. I am certain that I have suffered much worse than you from my mother (and my father and my grandmother). I have also learned how to cope with this and for the past 20 years of my life (after moving to a homeless shelter to get away from the abuse) have been working with others to help them to learn how to cope with similar problems.

But I have limits as to what I am willing and able to tolerate when I reach out in efforts to help someone and am then attacked in return. I realize you have suffered and this is impacting you, as well as your behavior. As a Catholic it is also my responsiblity to forgive people. So I forgive you.

I suggest you stop focusing on your mother and start focusing on yourself. Yourself, your thoughts, your emotions, and in particular your bheavior towards others. I get paid to help people and in addition to my traning I also have 20 years of personal history where I suffered unspeakable abuse which I have learned to work through (I’m still in the process and it is and will remain a life long process) the problems I develloped as a result of having daily contact with my mother, father, and grandmother. I grew up in hell. I have since learned, for the most part, how to adjust. So I have that experience in addition to my training and work experience over the past 20 years.

If you want help you need to be prepared to be honest with yourself. And you need to accept responsibility for your own behavior. This is a process, but people don’t heal if they don’t do these things.

I accepted full responsibility for all of the ways that being sexually, physically, emotionally, verbally… etc abused as a child (name removed by moderator)acted me as an adult. This was necessary for me to change.
Pointing fingers at my abusers didn’t get the problems that were in me (even though I did not deserve them) out of me. Hating my abusers didn’t get the problems out of me. None of that helped me learn to cope with the unspeakable abuse I suffered and wound up with PTSD with as a result. Accepting responsibility for working to fix myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life as I deserved none of the pain, none of the loss, and didn’t deserve to be an adult without basic life skills.

But until I did that I could not start on the road to habilitate myself, not really, not in very meaningful ways, as prior to that I was focused on my mom and dad and grandmother and the bad things they did to me. Thinking about those things didn’t make me a better, healthier person.

I hope you learn how to cope and how to heal. I aks that in the future you do not make assuptions about what I might or might not mean. What you suggested I meant was absolutely ridiculous.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

I have set boundary after boundary after boundary. I have explained my boundaries every single time. My mother will look me in the face and IMMEDIATELY begin pushing back against my boundaries. I tell her not to talk to me about her sex life. So she proceeds to tell me intimate and hellish details about her sex life. I tell her to stop criticizing me. So she immediately begins to tear me down. I set the boundaries, and she IMMEDIATELY violates those boundaries. I am not left with many options but going no contact here.

Are you in a wheelchair? If so, I am sorry to hear that. If not, you are NOT setting boundaries APPROPRIATELY or EFFECTIVELY. And it is entirely possible for you to do this (assuming your not in a wheel chair or bound to bed for some reason).

You ‘vote’ on her behavior with YOUR FEET. You do so be immediately standing up and walking away. If this means out the front door and down the block so be it. Let the neighbors watch your mother follow you down the street while she is speaking loudly (as you can walk fast so she has to sort of jog a bit to keep pace with you) about her sex life.

Or you walk to your car, get in, shut and lock the doors, and drive away. And if she calls you on the phone you DO NOT pick up.

I suspect (unless your in a wheel chair or bound to bed) that you are involved to some degree in a co-dependent relationship.

If it is physically possible for you to follow my advice on how to set boundaries with her, but you choose not to do those things, and instead choose to remain in her presence when she engages in those behaviors…then you are ACTIVELY RESPONSIBLE for making the CHOICE to participate as a listener.

No excuses. You can’t expect for things to change unless you do things differently yourself. I have given you clear and simple instructions to follow. It’s your choice to continue the unhealthy mutual process of interacting with your mother when she behaves in those ways or to choose to NOT do so.

I know what I’m talking about and your mother sounds a lot like what mine used to be like. Part of me setting boundaries with her was not speaking with her for 2 solid years at one point.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

Are you saying that this thread has no place here, or are you just suggesting that another place might be more helpful. See, I can’t figure out what your agenda is with this post. It certainly seems like you are trying to undermine the perspective of having no contact with abusive parents.

After reading the posts I made already (above this one) which I made before reading the above, do you still think I’m trying to 'undermine the perspective of having no contact with abusive parents???

I’m suggesting that maybe another place might be helpful as well.

My agenda: helping people.

It takes 2 to tango. I have (I think) provided clear and easy to follow instructions on how to stop tangoing with mom. If you continue to tango with her, accept 100% responsibility for that choice you make.

I’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to all of this stuff. I wish you luck. I’ve also worked with many people who say they want to set boundaries but then do not follow thorugh. I understand this completely. It’s become a routine, a pattern, and these things are hard to change. But your mom isn’t going to change (of if she does it’s not because of you saying something that is going to all of a sudden make her normal) so you need to be the one to change. It it may feel very unnatural. It may feel almost impossible to set the boundaries the way I described. But it’s far from impossible…and especially if you choose the walk around the block approach… if your mom follows you and contineus with her talking it will show the neighbors an aspect of who she is they may not know. I think I remember reading at one point you postting something like ‘how do I get people to believe me about my mom’?

If she rants at you, following you down the street, will those that witness this believe you?

My big question at this point is whether or not your actually going to follow through in setting limits effectively, or choose not to for whatever reason.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Bill_7154]

In additional efforts to help you here is a question I suggest you ask yourself and reflect upon:

Are you ‘caughtup’ in your mother’s drama or not? It’s a yes or no question

(and I’m not passing judgement)

God Bless,
Bill

 

[mommamaree]

Bill,

I think it is time for you to step out of this thread. You say you want to help? Thank you, the most helpful action you can take now is for you to leave me alone. You have tried to turn this into a competition of who was the most abused. You have tried to argue with me about diagnoses. You have no credentials, and even if you did, you are NOT ALLOWED by forum rules to diagnose anyone here. I specifically said in my disclaimer in my very first post that I am seeking professional help, and just wanted some feedback on ways to cope in the meantime. I was not crass (use a dictionary and learn the definition of that word). Not once did I attack you personally. I expressed my sorrow for what you had been through. But your posts were rambling and confusing and it was hard to understand any point you were making. Also, despite your claims to be a person who helps people who have been through dysfunctional family situations, you seem to lack a clear understanding of how personality disorders affect other people. Also, you commenced ad hominem attacks. Totally inappropriate. So, here I will demonstrate my ability to set boundaries. I respectfully insist that you leave this thread and if you do not, then I will just place you on my ignore list so that I don’t have to read any more of your inflammatory messages. I will not be bullied by you. Good bye, sir.

 

[seeking2011]

This is the first time I’ve seen a topic like this on a Catholic forum and I’m glad for it.

I’ve been spending most of my adult life working through a childhood of abuse by a highly functioning borderline mother. While I’ve been able to set some boundaries and separate myself physically and emotionally from her, there are still so many psychological issues I’m steal dealing with after so many years.

While I’ve been able to hold on to my Catholic faith, I struggle all the time with the authority and rules of the Church. It seems after a lifetime of living under strict rules and punishment from a borderline mom, I have a hard time believing God is less strict and merciful.

But then again, the Catholic Church is all about rules in one sense. I also know it’s about God’s infinite mercy and faithfulness. But for me it is really difficult to understand that and not feel guilty all the time because of how I was raised. The more I learn about my faith, the more confused I feel.

When I got married I made a point of telling the priest during pre-cana that my husband and I were planning on not having children especially because of my abusive upbringing and my ongoing psychological struggles. The priest basically did not address it and said that it was between me and my husband. Not sure it that really aligned with what of read of Church teaching.

It’s not that I’m so severely incapacitated by it that I need to be locked away, but at the same time I’m affected by it enough to make it very difficult for me to feel like I can raise children properly. And sometimes I don’t know if the Church understands that. The more I read about what the Church really teaches about marriage (as opposed to the watered-down catechism I received in the 80’s), the more I feel like I’m not adhering to the faith because of my decision not to have kids.

I don’t ever want to see a child raised in an environment I was raised in. I’ve prayed about God’s will for my life and can’t seem to feel OK with the fact that it is really against the Catholic teachings of being open to life. The Church is OK with couples who physically cannot have children but don’t seem to understand those who psychologically can’t have children. This issue has been swarming around in my head for so long but can never find other Catholics or priests to talk about it in depth.

Have any of you thought about this issue and your upbringing? Have any of you struggled with Church teaching and your psychological issues? Would love to here a different perspective other than the one that swims in my head all the time.

 

[mommamaree]

This is the first time I’ve seen a topic like this on a Catholic forum and I’m glad for it.

I’ve been spending most of my adult life working through a childhood of abuse by a highly functioning borderline mother. While I’ve been able to set some boundaries and separate myself physically and emotionally from her, there are still so many psychological issues I’m steal dealing with after so many years.

While I’ve been able to hold on to my Catholic faith, I struggle all the time with the authority and rules of the Church. It seems after a lifetime of living under strict rules and punishment from a borderline mom, I have a hard time believing God is less strict and merciful.

But then again, the Catholic Church is all about rules in one sense. I also know it’s about God’s infinite mercy and faithfulness. But for me it is really difficult to understand that and not feel guilty all the time because of how I was raised. The more I learn about my faith, the more confused I feel.

When I got married I made a point of telling the priest during pre-cana that my husband and I were planning on not having children especially because of my abusive upbringing and my ongoing psychological struggles. The priest basically did not address it and said that it was between me and my husband. Not sure it that really aligned with what of read of Church teaching.

It’s not that I’m so severely incapacitated by it that I need to be locked away, but at the same time I’m affected by it enough to make it very difficult for me to feel like I can raise children properly. And sometimes I don’t know if the Church understands that. The more I read about what the Church really teaches about marriage (as opposed to the watered-down catechism I received in the 80’s), the more I feel like I’m not adhering to the faith because of my decision not to have kids.

I don’t ever want to see a child raised in an environment I was raised in. I’ve prayed about God’s will for my life and can’t seem to feel OK with the fact that it is really against the Catholic teachings of being open to life. The Church is OK with couples who physically cannot have children but don’t seem to understand those who psychologically can’t have children. This issue has been swarming around in my head for so long but can never find other Catholics or priests to talk about it in depth.

Have any of you thought about this issue and your upbringing? Have any of you struggled with Church teaching and your psychological issues? Would love to here a different perspective other than the one that swims in my head all the time.

Hi Seeker.
My heart goes out to you. And yes, I do have some understanding of where you are psychologically. I would love to respond to your post more thoroughly, but due to the lateness of the hour here, I would like to postpone my response till tomorrow. But I did not want to leave you alone with your swirling thoughts. You are not alone. More tomorrow. God bless and welcome to the thread.
Sincerely,
Mommamaree

 

[EasterJoy]

Are you in a wheelchair? If so, I am sorry to hear that. If not, you are NOT setting boundaries APPROPRIATELY or EFFECTIVELY. And it is entirely possible for you to do this (assuming your not in a wheel chair or bound to bed for some reason).

You ‘vote’ on her behavior with YOUR FEET. You do so be immediately standing up and walking away. If this means out the front door and down the block so be it. Let the neighbors watch your mother follow you down the street while she is speaking loudly (as you can walk fast so she has to sort of jog a bit to keep pace with you) about her sex life.

Or you walk to your car, get in, shut and lock the doors, and drive away. And if she calls you on the phone you DO NOT pick up.

I suspect (unless your in a wheel chair or bound to bed) that you are involved to some degree in a co-dependent relationship.

If it is physically possible for you to follow my advice on how to set boundaries with her, but you choose not to do those things, and instead choose to remain in her presence when she engages in those behaviors…then you are ACTIVELY RESPONSIBLE for making the CHOICE to participate as a listener.

No excuses. You can’t expect for things to change unless you do things differently yourself. I have given you clear and simple instructions to follow. It’s your choice to continue the unhealthy mutual process of interacting with your mother when she behaves in those ways or to choose to NOT do so.

I know what I’m talking about and your mother sounds a lot like what mine used to be like. Part of me setting boundaries with her was not speaking with her for 2 solid years at one point.

God Bless,
Bill

When you have a client who tells you she’s going to change over to a different therapist, do you follow her down the hall, arguing with her as she walks away?

The OP doesn’t find you helpful. I know you want to help her, but you’re a professional. You know how it works! Quit arguing with her and let her find her own way!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I cannot keep collapsing into a puddle of tears during every visit (I go and hide in my room for a while) because SHE has no respect for me or my reasonable boundaries. Boundaries like, “Please don’t share gory details of your sex life”, “Please don’t make comments about how much weight I have gained or how frumpy I look in skirts”, “Please don’t criticize my children”, “Please stop competing with me”, “Please don’t lie to me”, etc.

Those sound like boundaries, but they are boundaries FOR HER and not FOR YOU. A boundary for you would sound like this,

“Mom, I don’t want to hear about your sex life. If you start talking about private experiences, I will leave immediately (or hang up the phone).”

“Since you continue to make rude comments about my appearance, our visit is now done. Goodbye.” (Leave)

“Since you cannot stop criticizing my children, we are now going home. It will be at least 2 weeks until I see you again.”

Do you see the difference? Your examples are asking your mother to stop doing something. Boundaries are for YOU, not her. She will never respect your boundaries but you must set them regardless. FOR YOU!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

It’s not that I’m so severely incapacitated by it that I need to be locked away, but at the same time I’m affected by it enough to make it very difficult for me to feel like I can raise children properly. (…)
I don’t ever want to see a child raised in an environment I was raised in.

I’ve been thinking about this for the last day. I think it really depends on the person. Some people do the same thing to their children, while others don’t. You seem to be very aware of the problem, which is the most important thing. In my experience, it is people who are not aware of their problems that are most likely to treat their children the way they were treated by their parents and so repeat the same mistakes. I’ve realised that the problems I have because of the environment I was raised in are not the same problems I have encountered in terms of being a parent. Everybody encounters challenges in parenting. I am conscious about certain things that have been present in my family (on both sides) for several generations and with the help of my husband I will do things differently. Of course, I can only speak for myself here and I can’t guess what you would be like as a parent. Have you talked about this with a psychologist?

 

[mommamaree]

Those sound like boundaries, but they are boundaries FOR HER and not FOR YOU. A boundary for you would sound like this,

“Mom, I don’t want to hear about your sex life. If you start talking about private experiences, I will leave immediately (or hang up the phone).”

“Since you continue to make rude comments about my appearance, our visit is now done. Goodbye.” (Leave)

“Since you cannot stop criticizing my children, we are now going home. It will be at least 2 weeks until I see you again.”

Do you see the difference? Your examples are asking your mother to stop doing something. Boundaries are for YOU, not her. She will never respect your boundaries but you must set them regardless. FOR YOU!

I agree. However, the problem has been that I live over 600 miles away from any family, including my mother. In the past, when she has traveled out to visit, she stays in our home, because she claims not to be able to afford a hotel room for the visit. She comes to our home and commences the boundary violations. So many times, my husband and I have been on the edge of telling her to leave and go home, but because of the distance to travel and because of my niece, we have refrained from doing so. However, my husband and I have a new plan should we be willing to have any visits from her. First, she will not be allowed to stay in our home. Second, she will not be allowed to be in our home during the visit unless my husband is present. Third, we will ask her to leave if she starts “misbehaving”. All of our previous rules still apply as well. She is not allowed to be alone with my children. Etc. etc.
When we visit her up in Yankee territory, we felt more free to act as you described, because she would not be stranded. It was us doing the leaving then. Not us throwing her and a helpless child out on the street.
However, one thing I have not done is combine the act of leaving with giving her a reason for the leaving. That makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the insight on this. It is clear my mother has no boundaries. I am coming to understand that allowing a person to experience the natural consequences of their actions is not rudeness or lack of charity. I was under the impression, due to my upbringing obviously, that walking away from my mother or telling her to leave was disrespectful under any circumstances. Indeed, she claimed that to be true while raging at me during many of the times I confronted her or withdrew from the situation. Now I know she was lying to keep me close enough to be her narcissistic supply.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree. However, the problem has been that I live over 600 miles away from any family, including my mother. In the past, when she has traveled out to visit, she stays in our home, because she claims not to be able to afford a hotel room for the visit. She comes to our home and commences the boundary violations. So many times, my husband and I have been on the edge of telling her to leave and go home, but because of the distance to travel and because of my niece, we have refrained from doing so. However, my husband and I have a new plan should we be willing to have any visits from her. First, she will not be allowed to stay in our home. Second, she will not be allowed to be in our home during the visit unless my husband is present. Third, we will ask her to leave if she starts “misbehaving”. All of our previous rules still apply as well. She is not allowed to be alone with my children. Etc. etc.
When we visit her up in Yankee territory, we felt more free to act as you described, because she would not be stranded. It was us doing the leaving then. Not us throwing her and a helpless child out on the street.
However, one thing I have not done is combine the act of leaving with giving her a reason for the leaving. That makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the insight on this. It is clear my mother has no boundaries. I am coming to understand that allowing a person to experience the natural consequences of their actions is not rudeness or lack of charity. I was under the impression, due to my upbringing obviously, that walking away from my mother or telling her to leave was disrespectful under any circumstances. Indeed, she claimed that to be true while raging at me during many of the times I confronted her or withdrew from the situation. Now I know she was lying to keep me close enough to be her narcissistic supply.

Again, I’m sorry. Many people have troubles convincing their parents that they are adults and ought not be treated or expected to act as if they were still minors, but usually the normal boundaries of civility are something the parent teaches, not something the parent refuses to believe apply to her.

Remember that if your mom is a sociopath, rules don’t apply to her. Rules without consequences especially have no meaning. Keep the consequences natural–treat me with respect or go elsewhere, follow our house rules or stay elsewhere–and do not ever feel a need that you have to defend them to her. She’ll argue until the end of the world. Rather, your rules just are and your consequences just are. She may get mad, but she won’t get any madder than if you implied you had to convince her to sign on.

RealJulianne is right: you just say, these are MY boundaries, not yours, and so the line is where I decide to draw it. Period. Then expect to have to enforce them without constant success. The US government has boundaries and borders, too, but keeping them enforced is an expensive and never-ending battle. The only reason to put in the effort is the cost of the alternative, so remember that when you’re tempted to give in. You only stop having boundaries when you stop making a quality effort to enforce them.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree. However, the problem has been that I live over 600 miles away from any family, including my mother. In the past, when she has traveled out to visit, she stays in our home, because she claims not to be able to afford a hotel room for the visit. She comes to our home and commences the boundary violations. So many times, my husband and I have been on the edge of telling her to leave and go home, but because of the distance to travel and because of my niece, we have refrained from doing so. However, my husband and I have a new plan should we be willing to have any visits from her. First, she will not be allowed to stay in our home. Second, she will not be allowed to be in our home during the visit unless my husband is present. Third, we will ask her to leave if she starts “misbehaving”. All of our previous rules still apply as well. She is not allowed to be alone with my children. Etc. etc.
When we visit her up in Yankee territory, we felt more free to act as you described, because she would not be stranded. It was us doing the leaving then. Not us throwing her and a helpless child out on the street.
However, one thing I have not done is combine the act of leaving with giving her a reason for the leaving. That makes a lot of sense.
Thanks for the insight on this. It is clear my mother has no boundaries.** I am coming to understand that allowing a person to experience the natural consequences of their actions is not rudeness or lack of charity**. I was under the impression, due to my upbringing obviously, that walking away from my mother or telling her to leave was disrespectful under any circumstances. Indeed, she claimed that to be true while raging at me during many of the times I confronted her or withdrew from the situation. Now I know she was lying to keep me close enough to be her narcissistic supply.

Again, the boundaries are for YOU, not her. She will likely never understand anything you do, no matter how kindly or rudely you establish the boundaries. It doesn’t really matter how she treats your boundaries. You do it for YOUR own sake and that of your family. It doesn’t matter what happens after that. YOU will feel better and grow stronger. You are still in defensive mode, which is understandable. Pretty soon, as you get better at doing this, you will think of her and worry about her a lot less.

 

[mommamaree]

My mother texted a couple of times over the weekend, and then called while I was out today and left a message on my answering machine. It was an unprompted apology, saying that she was so sorry to have messed things up so badly and that she loved me and hoped I would call her so that we could talk. I got this message about two hours after meeting with my therapist who encouraged me to continue trying to have contact with my mother, but that I need to be the dominant personality and “go on the offensive” to reduce opportunities for my mother to hurt me. She also said that I should only admit that something was hurting me if my mother starting to show some self-awareness and asked me direct questions about whether her behavior was offensive. Otherwise, I should come up with some plausible excuse for ending the conversation or the visit. She was very empowering. Her attitude was “You can do this!” and that I do not owe my mother the kind of “respect” that I was led to believe by my dysfunctional upbringing. So, when my mother called me again later in the day, and offered another unprompted apology and explained that she had been using the time of no contact to go to a counselour to get help and to figure out why she keeps alienating people and how she can compensate for her personality disorder/flaws. Her counselour has given her a preliminary diagnosis, which I told her I would like to learn more about, and she is going to continue going to learn and change (at least that is her intention right now). I do not feel optimistic, but I do feel gratitude and surprise that she has taken this seriously enough to seek initial help. It is like the difference between a death penalty vs. a life sentence, I suppose. I know that having a relationship with my mother will always include this handicap, but I know also that it is possible for her to compensate a bit and for me to detach a bit and meet in the middle, provided that both of us continue with our therapists’ recommendations and continue in prayer. Right now, that prognosis looks far better than ending the relationship with my own mother. My husband is still not sure if this is another maneuver that will come back to bite me later. I admit that his reservations are valid and based in relationship history. Just like Dr. Phil’s maxim “The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.”
So anyway, things look a bit different this side of the therapy session. I am going to proceed with caution and charity and just do as my counselour says, as much as I am able. She warned me that I will fall and backslide a bit in the process but that doesn’t mean failure. I just need to take time to regroup and forgive and reestablish my own boundaries.
Thank you to everyone who offered advice and commiseration. So much of what my counselour said today was echoes of what you all said here and I told her as much. She seemed very pleased that there were people out there like you all who took the time to help someone else who is now going through something that you have gone through. You all are so kind and compassionate for giving me a place to talk this out and begin to understand the dysfunctional dynamics that were happening. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I am not sure if I will continue my blog or not, because I have been feeling very emotionally naked having the blog out there on the internet. But I will think about it and pray about it.

 

[mommamaree]

Oh, and here is a link for the preliminary diagnosis that my mother has been given by her therapist.

Sensory Processing Disorder
sinetwork.org/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

From my initial glance, it has the possibility to be a good fit.

 

[mommamaree]

Oh, and here is a link for the preliminary diagnosis that my mother has been given by her therapist.

Sensory Processing Disorder
sinetwork.org/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

From my initial glance, it has the possibility to be a good fit.

I think the only reason I am even considering this explanation is because I always want to believe the best about a person. Time will tell, though. The truth will out. And honestly, this doesn’t adequately describe some of the most offensive behaviors. So…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh, and here is a link for the preliminary diagnosis that my mother has been given by her therapist.

Sensory Processing Disorder
sinetwork.org/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

From my initial glance, it has the possibility to be a good fit.

Strange, I have never heard that Sensory Processing Disorder leads to behavior like you describe your mother having. My understanding is that these are people who have trouble living in the world with the rest of us because they experience textures, lights, noises, etc. very intensely or differently. Like their nerves are on the outside, if you KWIM.

Here is a list of possible symptoms. I don’t see any that seem like your mother.

Infants and toddlers
____ Problems eating or sleeping
____ Refuses to go to anyone but me
____ Irritable when being dressed; uncomfortable in clothes
____ Rarely plays with toys
____ Resists cuddling, arches away when held
____ Cannot calm self
____ Floppy or stiff body, motor delays

Pre-schoolers
____ Over-sensitive to touch, noises, smells, other people
____ Difficulty making friends
____ Difficulty dressing, eating, sleeping, and/or toilet training
____ Clumsy; poor motor skills; weak
____ In constant motion; in everyone else’s face and space
____ Frequent or long temper tantrums

Grade schoolers
___ Over-sensitive to touch, noise, smells, other people
___ Easily distracted, fidgety, craves movement; aggressive
___ Easily overwhelmed
___ Difficulty with handwriting or motor activities
___ Difficulty making friends
___ Unaware of pain and/or other people

Adolescents and adults
___ Over-sensitive to touch, noise, smells, and other people
___ Poor self-esteem; afraid of failing at new tasks
___ Lethargic and slow
___ Always on the go; impulsive; distractible
___ Leaves tasks uncompleted
___ Clumsy, slow, poor motor skills or handwriting
___ Difficulty staying focused
___ Difficulty staying focused at work and in meetings

 

[EasterJoy]

…offered another unprompted apology and explained that she had been using the time of no contact to go to a counselour to get help and to figure out why she keeps alienating people and how she can compensate for her personality disorder/flaws… It is like the difference between a death penalty vs. a life sentence, I suppose. I know that having a relationship with my mother will always include this handicap, but I know also that it is possible for her to compensate a bit and for me to detach a bit and meet in the middle, provided that both of us continue with our therapists’ recommendations and continue in prayer. Right now, that prognosis looks far better than ending the relationship with my own mother…

That is way better…that is, taking responsibility for past bad acts, looking for reasons and solutions, and not offering excuses. As long as she is looking for joint coping strategies and not angling for sympathy or making excuses, that is a lot better, because that offers some hope that at least the pain you feel when she makes a mistake is going to be validated.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

This is great news about your mother, as well as your councelling session.

Your councellor is right about going into the offensive mode rather than playing defense all the time. Remember: you are a grown woman, you are strong, you are doing this for yourself and your family. You can do it.

I think your husband is right to be concerned about this development given your mother’s history. But as you said: time will tell. It will become obvious if she is making progress or going back to her old ways. I’m sure that you will see changes in yourself as your councelling progresses and that you will learn how to deal with the situation better, whatever happens in the future.

I have an idea for your blog in case you might still want to keep it. Rather than write about your mother and all the things she did wrong and how she has hurt you, you could write about yourself and all the things you are doing right. Shift the focus. I’m sure there are many people out there who would benefit from this kind of display of positive action in the process of healing.

God bless you on this journey.