What's a Catholic response to "You're judging me"?

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So a friendship has become estranged because of my telling a good friend (who is Catholic) I could not attend her 2nd wedding. She told me, months later, that she felt “judged” by me. This is between “me and God” she told me.

How do I respond to this? What does it even mean when someone tells you you’re judging them when you are simply following Christ’s teaching?

Background: my friend was divorced 2 years ago–not her choice. Her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore.

My suggestions to pursue an annulment were considered, but it was “too expensive.”

A year ago she met a man–a very nice, Catholid, divorced caring man. They were to be married in March by a judge. I gently and sorrowfully told her that I could not attend the wedding. That was the beginning of the estrangement. :sad_yes:

Advice? Comments?
 
thats an ole con game…using the buzz word…Judging …try evaluation instead I tell these wisenheimers…One goes to a busy street corner and evaluates the situation…when to cross…or if a boy comes to call for your daughter and he has a bald head,swatiska on his leather jacket…tatoo saying…Heil to you Adolph etc etc…I evaluate and inform my daughter she is not to go out with this creep…judging is for God…re: sending the person off to hell or heaven etc…we as poor humans only evaluate as best we can…choose one and go with it with prayers and a hope for a better domani. So its all in the wording…to me a square is a person who is honest and fair…that word was changed by the establishment to mean…outdated and naive…so you see we are always played with and we should always fight back as best we can…and not salivate like one of Pavlovs mutts…
 
I cannot judge your salvation, but I can judge actions.

True Catholic charity demands fraternal correction.
 
Obviously, you’ve struck a nerve–she no doubt feels guilty about marrying outside the Church, and you reinforced that guilt.

I really can’t offer any advice; I’ve lost more than one friend by being honest–but frankly, my conscience means a lot to me, and I can’t smother that for a friendship. (I wouldn’t ask a friend to do that for me, either.)

As to her claim that you’re judging her–is she judging you no less for doing what you thought was right? Aren’t your actions just as much a matter of being “between you and God” as hers?

Personally, I think you did the right thing.
 
You’re just judging her actions in terms of her obligations as a Catholic–judging actions in terms of Church law. Nothing wrong with that. Perhaps if she even considered Church law in the matter, she might make the same judgment. I’d guess that she is simply going by feelings rather than sound judgment.

(In my teen years if I had told my mom, ‘you’re judging me’ she would have replied ‘darn right I am!’ But moms seldom speak in canonical terms.)
 
“Between me and God” is a protestant phenomenon.

Catholics may (and do) have personal, private relationships with Christ, but we are not meant to keep our faith to ourselves, we are a community, a family.

Especially at what should be the reception of a Sacrament - the Sacraments are by their very nature a public, communal, act. That’s what the priest is there for in the case of matrimony; to be the Church’s witness.

She’s the one acting strangely, not you.
 
my stock response when this very issue arises in my family (which is more often than you would think) is that I am not judging you, or your daughter, or your husband, or whoever nor do have the right to judge you, but I am judging your actions, which is my duty, as I cannot lie to you about those actions and their implications. If you are critical of my practice and application of my faith in my life, then it is you who are being unfairly judgmental.
 
We make judgments on a daily basis. If we just went about willy-nilly, there would be nothing but chaos and sin.
 
PRmerger said:
So a friendship has become estranged because of my telling a good friend (who is Catholic) I could not attend her 2nd wedding. She told me, months later, that she felt “judged” by me. This is between “me and God” she told me.

How do I respond to this? What does it even mean when someone tells you you’re judging them when you are simply following Christ’s teaching?

Background: my friend was divorced 2 years ago–not her choice. Her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore.

My suggestions to pursue an annulment were considered, but it was “too expensive.”

A year ago she met a man–a very nice, Catholid, divorced caring man. They were to be married in March by a judge. I gently and sorrowfully told her that I could not attend the wedding. That was the beginning of the estrangement. :sad_yes:

Advice? Comments?
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If I had a nickel…

A police officer pulls you over for running a red light, he give you a ticket:

on the first scenario you say, " thank you officer,it won’t happen again"

on the second scenario you say," this isn’t right, the light was still yellow and that car ahead of me was speeding etc etc."
The officer tells you that you can appeal the ticket in court.

you go to court and tell the judge your story. The judge determines that you are an arrogant, self-seeking, pompous ***. And says, “pay the fine or go to jail”.

You further say, "that cop doesn’t understand that I have an important job and I needed to be at work on time etc etc etc .

The judge further indicates to you that you are in contempt of court and you will spend 24 hours in a cell for your insolence.

What is the difference between the police officer and the judge???

It is the same difference between us and God…!

We are called to denounce what is wrong and incorrect.

The judge ( God ) is called to judge.

Conclusion: I am not judging you, I am denouncing the wrong that I see.

I don’t think you’re a dirt-bag for your decision but I cannot participate of your decision.

I denounce but I don’t judge.
 
“You’re judging me.” Oy, how many times have I heard this one. Especially from non-Catholic friends who think that Catholic morality is “unrealistic” and that my mentioning it is evidence that I am “narrow-minded” and “rigid”.

Whenever I hear people say, “You’re judging me,” it makes me think of a little parrot who hears certain phrases spoken over and over until he learns to repeat them with no thought about what he’s saying. Just another case of unexamined assumption, to whit, that judgment is somehow “negative” and undesirable and that my exercise of it demeans the other person.

Nowhere does this happen to me more often than when a friend of mine wants to talk to me about her latest sexual exploits. And if the subject of abortion comes up, she will do almost everything in her power to keep me from speaking, even if I’m only trying to respond to a question about the pro-life pin I’m wearing.

But in the end, it isn’t my judgment that should concern her. It is the Lord’s.

Keep praying for your friend. The Holy Spirit is the one who will help her to see the truth.
 
Disciple96 said:
“You’re judging me.” Oy, how many times have I heard this one. Especially from non-Catholic friends who think that Catholic morality is “unrealistic” and that my mentioning it is evidence that I am “narrow-minded” and “rigid”.

Whenever I hear people say, “You’re judging me,” it makes me think of a little parrot who hears certain phrases spoken over and over until he learns to repeat them with no thought about what he’s saying. Just another case of unexamined assumption, to whit, that judgment is somehow “negative” and undesirable and that my exercise of it demeans the other person.

Nowhere does this happen to me more often than when a friend of mine wants to talk to me about her latest sexual exploits. And if the subject of abortion comes up, she will do almost everything in her power to keep me from speaking, even if I’m only trying to respond to a question about the pro-life pin I’m wearing.

But in the end, it isn’t my judgment that should concern her. It is the Lord’s.

Keep praying for your friend. The Holy Spirit is the one who will help her to see the truth.
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Yup. So true!

Speaking of “parroting” reminded me of the little pat answer those who don’t vote pro-life have when they are questioned about it: They’ve obviously all taken the same quote from the talking heads they listen to. Their sources all have the same mantra. They ALWAYS fall back on the tired old answer which is only a cop-out: “but what about the babies (or children) killed in war?” (If I had a dime for every time I heard that…)
Here’s the answer you need to give them: tell them “I don’t see soldiers making an appointment to selectively kill anyone. I don’t see them collecting a certain sum of money for each life taken, no matter the circumstance. I don’t see any killing planned ahead of time. 50 million plus dead babies is nothing trivial!!
In war, it’s all about preserving lives if at all possible–at times that can even mean your own life in self-defense, if attacked. While war is always a terrible situation, there are times when war is just, such as when people need to be freed from tyranny.” (if they’re Catholic, urge them to contact Catholic Answers on the “just war” situations.)

Not sure that will sink in, as the majority of these people really have not thought for themselves for so long, they’ve likely forgotten how to, but it may make them think it through, even a bit. Of course, always back it with prayer.
 
SallyMargie said:
…as the majority of these people really have not thought for themselves for so long, they’ve likely forgotten how to, but it may make them think it through, even a bit. Of course, always back it with prayer.
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I see it as a lack of thinking and reflecting, praying and examining. And listening. And there’s also the matter of the effect of sin and attachment to sin, the effect of turning away from God, His Word and His Light:
…[C]onscience itself, darkened as it were by such widespread conditioning, is finding it increasingly difficult to distinguish between good and evil… – John Paul II, Evangelium Vitae
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For what it’s worth, I dealt with almost an identical situation last year with my long-term friend. She was raised Catholic, strayed for awhile, seemed to come back to the faith, got married in the Church, was actively going to Mass and participating in ministries, etc. In other words, it seemed she had truly “come home” after a long searching journey and life seemed swell. That’s until an ex-boyfriend re-entered her life and she left her husband for him. I stood up to her and told her what she was doing was wrong (especially since her daughter was only 6 months old) on so many levels and for so many reasons. I too was accused of judging and not being a supportive friend. We didn’t talk for a few months at all.

But the eventual outcome was this–we started talking again slowly, only once in a long while and only about very specific things (such as, “Does your daughter need size __ clothes? Because I have some here for you”). And then over time things started to defrost a little. When she was calmer, she did ask me to explain myself better, and she made a point of telling me her side of things. I still didn’t agree with her, but at least the air was slightly more cleared. Since then, I’ve set some boundaries. We can talk on the phone but only about things that don’t involve her new relationship. We can visit in neutral places (such as a park) or at my house but I won’t go to the house she shares with new guy or attend gatherings that would show the appearance of a happy family, such as a birthday party.

I don’t know if any of this is the best way of dealing with things, but it’s been kind of OK so far, and at least I feel like my conscience is clear. She knows where I stand and she no longer pesters me to change my mind, including about the boundaries, even though I know they bother her. If anything, I hope this offers you a bit of perspective, because time does offer that. We’re not as close as we used to be, but at least we can share Mom stories and stuff, and I value at least that much. Best wishes in your situation.
 
SallyMargie said:
Yup. So true!

Speaking of “parroting” reminded me of the little pat answer those who don’t vote pro-life have when they are questioned about it: They’ve obviously all taken the same quote from the talking heads they listen to. Their sources all have the same mantra. They ALWAYS fall back on the tired old answer which is only a cop-out: “but what about the babies (or children) killed in war?” (If I had a dime for every time I heard that…)
Here’s the answer you need to give them: tell them “I don’t see soldiers making an appointment to selectively kill anyone. I don’t see them collecting a certain sum of money for each life taken, no matter the circumstance. I don’t see any killing planned ahead of time. 50 million plus dead babies is nothing trivial!!
In war, it’s all about preserving lives if at all possible–at times that can even mean your own life in self-defense, if attacked. While war is always a terrible situation, there are times when war is just, such as when people need to be freed from tyranny.” (if they’re Catholic, urge them to contact Catholic Answers on the “just war” situations.)

Not sure that will sink in, as the majority of these people really have not thought for themselves for so long, they’ve likely forgotten how to, but it may make them think it through, even a bit. Of course, always back it with prayer.
Click to expand...
I had an interesting experience while rooming with a German woman of my own generation (Early Boomer) at the DC Youth Hostel who was emphatic that her generation should not be judged for the Holocaust because she was not even born when it was going on. However, when we got to the Smithsonian and were touring a civil rights exhibit, she began to berate me (born of a Southern mother and lived in the South at that time) on the subject! I pointed out to her that slavery had ended 150 years before I was born, and furthermore my family were sharecroppers who never owned a single slave, even in 1863. She stopped short, realized what she was doing, and apologized.
 
If you had a Protestant friend, would you attend her wedding? Perhaps your friend is not following Church law or going about her nuptials the Catholic way. But does that mean the marriage itself is wrong? She may not be in full Communion with the Church, but does that mean the marriage is an abomination? Two people committing to one another, finding mutual happiness through love hardly seems an occasion to prove a point about the vailidity of Canon law. With all due respect, I think your actions are less loving than they are self righteous. And yes, that’s me judging.
 
ErikaA said:
But does that mean the marriage itself is wrong? …] does that mean the marriage is an abomination?
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“But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matt 5:32)

That’s not being out of communion with the Church; that’s ignoring what Jesus Himself said, and I’d think that’s a no-no for any Christian, not just a Catholic. Thus, I think the previous posters are correct in responding that you need to stick to the truth, as defined by Christ, even when it’s uncomfortable for any or all people involved. I’m sure the original questioner did not want to be put in this situation. Boy, wouldn’t it be easier to just be able to do what would make others happy all the time. But unfortunately, sometimes doing things Christ’s way is incompatible with that. In God’s eyes, a marriage is lifelong because it is a living sign of the indissoluble union between Christ and His Church. Whatever civil laws do or say about that is irrelevant to God. Thus, both parties are still married to other people. For her to attend their wedding would send the message that she sanctions adultery–not adultery because she personally defined it that way, but because Christ clearly said that’s what God considers it.
 
bflochica5 said:
“But I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matt 5:32)

That’s not being out of communion with the Church; that’s ignoring what Jesus Himself said, and I’d think that’s a no-no for any Christian, not just a Catholic. Thus, I think the previous posters are correct in responding that you need to stick to the truth, as defined by Christ, even when it’s uncomfortable for any or all people involved. I’m sure the original questioner did not want to be put in this situation. Boy, wouldn’t it be easier to just be able to do what would make others happy all the time. But unfortunately, sometimes doing things Christ’s way is incompatible with that. In God’s eyes, a marriage is lifelong because it is a living sign of the indissoluble union between Christ and His Church. Whatever civil laws do or say about that is irrelevant to God. Thus, both parties are still married to other people. For her to attend their wedding would send the message that she sanctions adultery–not adultery because she personally defined it that way, but because Christ clearly said that’s what God considers it.
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But the guy walked out on her. He left her, ergo she’s no longer married. And St. Paul discusses that as does he indicate that a believer doesn’t have to remain yoked to a nonbeliever. Divorce isn’t a biblical nonsequitor.

I say this as a staunch believer in the sanctity of marriage. I wonder if this friend would’ve been better off just killing her previous husband and receiving absolution for the momentary blood lust. Then, I’m sure the OP would’ve had no problem attending the wedding. Personally, I’ve told my husband, I will kill him before we’d ever divorce. I figure some things are so important, you really should be willing to kill to protect them. Plus, he’s now scared of me and this really keeps the household calm.
 
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