What's a Catholic response to "You're judging me"?

[Salonika]

Interesting thread – which I came across after being involved in a thread (not on CAF) where I found myself thinking about why some posts which expressed views very different from mine turned me off but others did not. As a result of that thinking I starting a thread on this forum “I’m not judging you but…”

Then as I read through this thread I identified some triggers that influence whether I feel judged or not judged when someone disagrees with what I say. I’ve summarised them and not provided quotes because some comments could only be fairly used in context.

Feeling I am being judged

• people assuming they know the (real) motivation/reason for my views or actions

• blanket statements about the reasons why people hold the particular views I do (I have a close friend who holds very different political views but we come from the same basic philosophy)

• the use of rehearsed responses rather than a personal response.

Not feeling judged

• people who use terms like “I think …. ” and “In my opinion ….” rather than “You are …….”

• separating judgement and culpability as often people assume that if people make a mistake or disagree with something the other person has done that that the person is also culpable (thanks for that insight PRmerger)

• responses that combine a logical and an emotion response

Also I have realised I have difficulty with the difference between “I am not judging you” and “I am judging your actions’. To me there is little difference when I have thought long and hard about something and gone ahead and done something the other person thinks wrong. Interesting that if I do something on the spur of the moment or after little thought I have less difficulty with the difference.

Does any of this resonate with other posters?

 

[Gabriella_San_S]

Interesting thread – which I came across after being involved in a thread (not on CAF) where I found myself thinking about why some posts which expressed views very different from mine turned me off but others did not. As a result of that thinking I starting a thread on this forum “I’m not judging you but…”

Then as I read through this thread I identified some triggers that influence whether I feel judged or not judged when someone disagrees with what I say. I’ve summarised them and not provided quotes because some comments could only be fairly used in context.

Feeling I am being judged

• people assuming they know the (real) motivation/reason for my views or actions

• blanket statements about the reasons why people hold the particular views I do (I have a close friend who holds very different political views but we come from the same basic philosophy)

• the use of rehearsed responses rather than a personal response.

Not feeling judged

• people who use terms like “I think …. ” and “In my opinion ….” rather than “You are …….”

• separating judgement and culpability as often people assume that if people make a mistake or disagree with something the other person has done that that the person is also culpable (thanks for that insight PRmerger)

• responses that combine a logical and an emotion response

Also I have realised I have difficulty with the difference between “I am not judging you” and “I am judging your actions’. To me there is little difference when I have thought long and hard about something and gone ahead and done something the other person thinks wrong. Interesting that if I do something on the spur of the moment or after little thought I have less difficulty with the difference.

Does any of this resonate with other posters?

That was very helpful to me-your insight, especially because you say you have “nil” in the way of religion.Whether we have religion or not, I believe it is*** second nature to judge each other.It was explained to me once, by a very learned priest, that the biblical verse that says"do not judge, lest you be judged"*** is a poor translation. The way it should be understood is, "do not condemn…" That was a very important distinction for me. We somehow want others to accept our judgments, (opinions, reasoning, morals, etc.) but when we are misunderstood or even reviled for holding certain positions or philosophies on life, we naturally feel put off and sometimes indignant towards those who differ with us. I’ve encountered much persecution from family and friends, for instance, on my adherence to Catholic Church teaching.
Those I’ve been the closest to have accused me of being a harsh critic of them, even if I don’t say a word! They judge me just by the way I choose to live my life in obedience to God and the precepts that He inspired us to follow for our own protection.
Why can’t we all just “agree to disagree” instead of insisting that there’s no possibility for a relationship between those of dissenting opinions?
Anyway, it’s teaching me to be more tuned in to the person and their deeper needs and anxieties in this uncertain culture of relativism-which breeds confusion and polarization, in my opinion! Take Care!

 

[PRmerger]

Also I have realised I have difficulty with the difference between “I am not judging you” and “I am judging your actions’. To me there is little difference when I have thought long and hard about something and gone ahead and done something the other person thinks wrong. Interesting that if I do something on the spur of the moment or after little thought I have less difficulty with the difference.

Does any of this resonate with other posters?

Yes, it certainly does resonate with me. Thanks for posting, Salonika.

I agree that it’s frustrating and quite annoying when someone assumes she knows my real motivations for an action. (see post #33).

However, I’m not sure what you’re saying in the quote above. Are you saying that you don’t understand when someone says, “Salonika, your actions are wrong, but I do not condemn you for them. Just go and sin no more!”

 

[bflochica5]

Not feeling judged

• people who use terms like “I think …. ” and “In my opinion ….” rather than “You are …….”

Also I have realised I have difficulty with the difference between “I am not judging you” and “I am judging your actions’. To me there is little difference when I have thought long and hard about something and gone ahead and done something the other person thinks wrong. Interesting that if I do something on the spur of the moment or after little thought I have less difficulty with the difference.

Does any of this resonate with other posters?

Thanks for your reflection. It’s nice that you took the time to analyze it like that.

The reason why many people don’t use terms like “I think” and “In my opinion” is that it can give a false impression that all things are matters of mere opinion and in the end none is better than another. That’s true if we’re talking about which ice cream tastes best. That’s not true when we’re talking about matters of ultimate truth and reality, in which case, to say something is “my opinion” is to give the impression that it’s not definitive truth. You’d look at me like I’m a moron if I turned to you and said, “In my opinion, that sky up there is blue.” Or how about if I said, “I think we live on planet Earth.” No, these things are fact. And if someone else disagreed and claimed the sky was brown and we live on Mars, we’d question their sanity (or at the very least wonder if they were color blind), not “respect their opinion and not judge them.”

And it’s important to understand that for those who understand that history and reason, in addition to faith, prove that Jesus is God, and that there are many beliefs that logically follow from that (such as following the teachings of Jesus as actual, real truth, because God can’t lie, by nature), our beliefs therefore fall into the category of “faith facts,” not opinions that all hold equal weight with any other opinions out there. Thus, just as you might gently and kindly correct someone who is convinced we live on Mars–because it doesn’t change the fact that this is Earth and it’s unkind to let them continue thinking something that’s not true, especially if they’re making important decisions based on it–those who understand the Catholic faith will similarly correct others who are violating other truths through their words or actions.

But to answer your other question–I do think people become wedded to their decisions and actions as a matter of pride. After all, if you work hard to think about something and then someone calls you on it, it sends the message that you’re not good enough–just as it might if you got an F on an art project in school that you slaved over. No one likes to feel that way, so by nature, we get defensive. But someone who’s acting with the mind and heart of Christ will try hard to make it clear that it doesn’t mean you’re not a good person or you’re not capable of making good decisions; it’s just that this one has a flaw. Keep in mind, of course, that we’re still human, so we’re not always great at the kindness part. But most of us care to at least keep trying!