What's a "man's" work duty?

[kozlosap]

I’m sorry about my very judgemental post, it was just plain uncharitable and rude. I was a single Mom who chose not to go after child support because he was a drunk and didn’t think the $500 a month was worth it since I had a very stable job and a house. It must be very hard juggling things right now. Your children, are, of course, your first priority. I will pray that you find peace and happiness which will affect your kids in a very positive way. Have a blessed Thanksgiving and wonderful Advent. Once again, i apologise for being so harsh.

Xantippe was so right about counseling - it can really help you with untangling issues.

 

[AdamP88]

I need to rephrase my answer.

You ask, “What’s a man’s work duty?” The primary work duty of a father is to support his kids.

 

[Polluted]

I need to rephrase my answer.

You ask, “What’s a man’s work duty?” The primary work duty of a father is to support his kids.

How about emotionally and spiritually as well? Or is it purely financial? If that’s the case say the word and I’ll pack my bags and move to NY landing a job on wall street. I’ll never be home but at least my kids will get starbucks everyday right?

 

[Ridgerunner]

It is not all that unusual to work 70 hours/week, particularly if it’s not every week. A lot of professionals and business people do that, not so much out of greed but out of necessity or even to retain one’s position in a firm, clinic, or company.

Still, there are costs to it, and one needs to assess as dispassionately as possible whether that’s the life he wants and even whether he has choices.

It sounds as if the original poster might have quit in order NOT to be the provider for a person who has what he feels are unreasonable expectations/demands of him.

I’m not skilled in psych or in anything particularly relevant, but if I thought such a thing of a potential spouse, I would defer the marriage until things get better understood between them or, more likely, end the relationship.

It has been many, many years since I dated, but if ever I thought a woman was looking for me to provide her with an even moderately luxurious life, I dropped her. Life has ups and downs to it and happenstances that change our expectations. If a potential spouse can’t accept that, then, I felt, such a person did not need to be tied to me or me to her.

I remember, years ago, reading about some Russian or other who was asked why he married the woman he married. “Because she’s a good communist” was his response. Now, I have no respect for communism at all, but I felt that, in another context, it still had some profound meaning. What was I looking for in a wife, really? It came to me without a lot of trouble, that I was looking for “a good Catholic”, meaning a woman who genuinely wanted to live a Catholic Christian life in every way. In today’s world, that’s a tall order, but not an impossible one.

With that requirement as a focal point, it is almost impossible to go wrong. Certainly, I expected the same of myself.

 

[AdamP88]

How about emotionally and spiritually as well? Or is it purely financial? If that’s the case say the word and I’ll pack my bags and move to NY landing a job on wall street. I’ll never be home but at least my kids will get starbucks everyday right?

Yes, I mean in every way. But like it or not, you probably won’t be in your other children’s lives as much as you’d like since your not married to their mothers. But in the course of everyday life you do have a duty to make sure your kids are financially provided for.

I had a crummy father and he wasn’t in my life much even if I wanted him to be. At this point in life, I’m married myself and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that he’s never going to change. Judging by some of your other posts, you have a pretty bad attitude about this. You need to man up and start taking responsibility for your mistakes, stop feeling sorry for yourself and decide if you want to be the best father that you can be for your children. No, you don’t have to marry their mother(s). But if you are going to marry this woman then stop complaining about the size of the wedding and that all women want to be princesses.

Of course every woman wants a memorable wedding day…and most men do too actually.

 

[Xantippe]

It is not all that unusual to work 70 hours/week, particularly if it’s not every week. A lot of professionals and business people do that, not so much out of greed but out of necessity or even to retain one’s position in a firm, clinic, or company.

Still, there are costs to it, and one needs to assess as dispassionately as possible whether that’s the life he wants and even whether he has choices.
.

I had been wanting to talk about this. My family of origin has a lot of workaholics in it. So, for example, my grandpa would finish up his shift at the lumber mill, come home, and do farm stuff. My dad has always had 3 or 4 gigs. When I was a kid, he’d be juggling a seasonal job, some math tutoring in the winter, a small ranch, and probably one other thing, too. In my sister’s family, my BIL has a rather good full-time contracting job, plus they’ve got a small ranch, plus three or so different summer businesses. My in-laws also have workaholic tendencies. I suspect that a 70 hour week is not unusual on both sides of my family–and probably a lot more than that at certain times of year.

All of these people were and are at least adequate parents. A lot of people who have the wherewithal to live that kind of life have enough energy to be good parents, too, especially when there are ways to bring the kids into the business.

Nearly all of these people also love their work, which makes it a lot easier for them to work a lot.

That life really isn’t me anymore (although there was a time when I too juggled 2-4 jobs) and I have certain reservations about it (I feel like somebody in the family needs to be prioritizing creating a home and things can really fall apart if both parents turn workaholic), but I have a lot of understanding of what that kind of family looks like. If your fiancee’s family has a family culture at all like mine, they won’t see a 40-hour work week as more than a basic minimum for a functioning adult.

 

[Xantippe]

How about emotionally and spiritually as well? Or is it purely financial? If that’s the case say the word and I’ll pack my bags and move to NY landing a job on wall street. I’ll never be home but at least my kids will get starbucks everyday right?

Whatever his kids need most from him.

And that goes for women, too–what we need to give our kids is not necessarily what we want to give our kids. So, for example, in a few years, what my kids may need from me is not hugs (they get lots), but financial help with college.

Kids have a variety of different needs. One of their emotional needs is having a dad who does what he says he is going to and is dependable, day in, day out. (Mom, too, of course.) Being erratic or impulsive in decision-making is bad for children, because it creates an unsafe-feeling home environment, undermines the relationship between parents, and sets a bad example to the children.

Again, I would suggest going through Financial Peace University with your fiancee. It’s just 9 weeks, it’s not hugely expensive, and you’ll learn a lot about each other.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Whatever his kids need most from him.

And that goes for women, too–what we need to give our kids is not necessarily what we want to give our kids. So, for example, in a few years, what my kids may need from me is not hugs (they get lots), but financial help with college.

Kids have a variety of different needs. One of their emotional needs is having a dad who does what he says he is going to and is dependable, day in, day out. (Mom, too, of course.) Being erratic or impulsive in decision-making is bad for children, because it creates an unsafe-feeling home environment, undermines the relationship between parents, and sets a bad example to the children.

Again, I would suggest going through Financial Peace University with your fiancee. It’s just 9 weeks, it’s not hugely expensive, and you’ll learn a lot about each other.

Yep.

Another thing that kids need, and that parents have a duty to provide as best they can, is an example of how a functional adult adults.

How would you like your son to treat the mother of his children? With courtesy and respect, I assume.

How would you like your son to behave towards women in general? Model that.

How would you like your son to view work/life balance, and prepare to have a good one via education and career goals? Model that.

How would you like your son to approach real-world problems, like unreasonable hours set by employers, when others depend on him? Model that.

Etc.

 

[AdamP88]

Thank you for asking, and for sharing your story, please be assured of my prayers.

I think a man and a father has a duty to work and support his wife and children to the best of his abilities. Clearly you were working long hours and it was too much! With all Christian charity, where I think you made a mistake and fell short (if I may) was that I get the impression you didn’t inform your fiancé in advance or give your job notice? Did you simply walk off the job? Forgive me if I am getting the wrong impression, I apologize if I am. I agree that you absolutely had to quit, I would simply disagree with the way in which you approached it I guess.

I don’t think a man should abandon everything for a job, then again I don’t think he should completely abandon a job without discussion either. A good Catholic Christian man strives for balance, which is not always easy! In the future, perhaps in a similar situation you would tell your fiancé/wife you are giving a weeks notice. She would still be mad, but would view you as more reliable and less impulsive.

My husband and I always inform each other before either of us would make a huge decision that would impact the family like that. It is unfortunate that you and your fiancé do not have a solid enough relationship where that happened. Again, please be assured of my prayers.

Yes. I agree 100% with this. I did get the impression you didn’t consult your fiancee? You should have if you didn’t. If she’s going to be your wife then you’ll have to ba able to discuss major life changes like a mature adult.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes. I agree 100% with this. I did get the impression you didn’t consult your fiancee? You should have if you didn’t. If she’s going to be your wife then you’ll have to ba able to discuss major life changes like a mature adult.

Exactly.

I’m a SAHM at the moment, while DH works. However, he would never quit his job without talking to me about it first, just like when I wanted to go back to school so that I can eventually work, I didn’t just register for classes–we talked about it for a few months first to make sure we were on the same page.

Even if you don’t marry this woman, she is the mother of your son, and deserves at least a heads-up about major changes like this. Respect and communication are the basis for any functional relationship, marital or not. Even if the two of you don’t get married, you’re still, ideally, a team in the raising of your son, and team members should communicate important information to each other whether they’re part of a marriage, part of a combat squadron in the military, or part of a fast-food restaurant group of coworkers. It’s basic courtesy. Your main goal should be to raise a holy, functional kid together, and it’s a lot harder to accomplish that if you don’t communicate, don’t talk, operate by executive fiat, and make snap judgments.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You need to separate the wedding from the marriage as it seems like you are all focused on this dream wedding. If you are really serious about marrying you would get on and do it even if it meant doing it without fancy stuff.

 

[AdamP88]

You need to separate the wedding from the marriage as it seems like you are all focused on this dream wedding. If you are really serious about marrying you would get on and do it even if it meant doing it without fancy stuff.

…but if you are going to do all the fancy stuff then deal with it and stop blaming your fiancee for wanting a nice wedding.

 

[Polluted]

…but if you are going to do all the fancy stuff then deal with it and stop blaming your fiancee for wanting a nice wedding.

I hate weddings. It’s become a joke, some stupid fantasy for women to bask in for one day. If I ever get married it will be in blue jeans with a Deacon who only charges me $100.

Marriage is no longer what it once was. That dream died long ago and death until us part doesn’t even apply to us Catholics. Have you seen how large our annulment thread is with tons if folks begging God for an annulment decision so they can try again?

Forget this. And as for the rest of you princesses enjoy that ONE day. As for me I refuse to chain myself to someone legally and spiritually who selfishly strings me along for 2 years for a wedding I can’t afford. Can’t be too mad I suppose. After all I’m the one who decided to live in sin for this time and trample my own beliefs because I’m terrified of being alone …not to mention have pretty bad mother issues. And it got my out of the tent I was living in. I’m only human dang it.

I don’t care if they hate me…Mark my words they will as other people have money invested in this now. But whatever, even if it’s back to the middle of nowhere working a minimum wage job so be it. The way I see it I just sacrificed a 60k a year job to avoid a wedding I truly don’t want. Best money I have ever spent and a HELL of allot cheaper than alimony, counseling, and eeverything else that comes with aa crummy marriage that is doomed to fail.

 

[AdamP88]

I hate weddings. It’s become a joke, some stupid fantasy for women to bask in for one day. If I ever get married it will be in blue jeans with a Deacon who only charges me $100.

Marriage is no longer what it once was. That dream died long ago and death until us part doesn’t even apply to us Catholics. Have you seen how large our annulment thread is with tons if folks begging God for an annulment decision so they can try again?

Forget this. And as for the rest of you princesses enjoy that ONE day. As for me I refuse to chain myself to someone legally and spiritually who selfishly strings me along for 2 years for a wedding I can’t afford. Can’t be too mad I suppose. After all I’m the one who decided to live in sin for this time and trample my own beliefs because I’m terrified of being alone …not to mention have pretty bad mother issues. And it got my out of the tent I was living in. I’m only human dang it.

I don’t care if they hate me…Mark my words they will as other people have money invested in this now. But whatever, even if it’s back to the middle of nowhere working a minimum wage job so be it. The way I see it I just sacrificed a 60k a year job to avoid a wedding I truly don’t want. Best money I have ever spent and a HELL of allot cheaper than alimony, counseling, and eeverything else that comes with aa crummy marriage that is doomed to fail.

Yeah. You’re right, you really shouldn’t get married. If you don’t want to get married you should also stop having kids with ladies you are never gonna marry. The problem isn’t that marriage “isn’t what it used to be”…the problem is you’re too immature and impulsive to commit and be a husband. Marriage only works if you’re willing to make it work. It’s never changed in that regard. You also seem to have little regard for the wellbeing of your kids. The best place for kids to grow up is in a marriage with a stable relationship between mother and father. If you aren’t willing to offer that then stop procreating. The problem isn’t a big wedding, it’s you.

You came on asking: What’s a man’s work duty: well you got the answer, apparently you don’t like it though.

 

[Polluted]

Yeah. You’re right, you really shouldn’t get married. If you don’t want to get married you should also stop having kids with ladies you are never gonna marry. The problem isn’t that marriage “isn’t what it used to be”…the problem is you’re too immature and impulsive to commit and be a husband. Marriage only works if you’re willing to make it work. It’s never changed in that regard. You also seem to have little regard for the wellbeing of your kids. The best place for kids to grow up is in a marriage with a stable relationship between mother and father. If you aren’t willing to offer that then stop procreating. The problem isn’t a big wedding, it’s you.

You came on asking: What’s a man’s work duty: well you got the answer, apparently you don’t like it though.

That’s a wonderful attitude you have towards me and my children. In fact it’s the same attitude the 30% of women who have had an abortion have as well. What can I say? Go ahead and tell me to stop “procreation” yet at the same time tell me “don’t masturbate” and “don’t use birth control”. Do you see the recipe here that might make a man in my position have a few kids out of wedlock?

We can say well “just don’t have sex”. Not that simple when I am biologically wired in my prime to have sex AND I have mommy issues that causes me to seek out intimacy with girls who don’t have my best interest at heart.

Having said that though trust me I’m on YOUR side. In fact if I had it my way this would be annulment #2 I would be getting with this relationship. I tried to marry both these women a LONG time ago and BOTH refused the wedding could offer in my poverty and wanted to wait and wait and WAIT so they can all get that nice wedding they see in the movies and secular TV. The good Lord knows I would had married each of them but these girls are the ones who have CHOSEN not to. You get it?

And what good does that solve eh? You tell me. Do you really think just because you have a wedding somehow you are now immune from splitting up? Not the case my friend. At least I didn’t waste years if my life in an unhappy marriage only to have either of these girls get fed up and leave me broken hearted WITH an alimony payment of top of it while I slave to provide a life that will always fall short of what they want. Nor did either of my little men go through a nasty divorce.

 

[AdamP88]

That’s a wonderful attitude you have towards me and my children. In fact it’s the same attitude the 30% of women who have had an abortion have as well. What can I say? **Go ahead and tell me to stop “procreation” yet at the same time tell me “don’t masturbate” and “don’t use birth control”. Do you see the recipe here that might make a man in my position have a few kids out of wedlock? **

Yes, I read your post about being “open to life”, that probably makes it worse that you are willing to have all these children and continue to justify it by saying you’re open to life. You don’t seem to have any consideration for how this will affect your kids?

We can say well “just don’t have sex”. Not that simple when I am biologically wired in my prime to have sex AND I have mommy issues that causes me to seek out intimacy with girls who don’t have my best interest at heart.

You can’t blame biology and mommy issues for your sins. They’re YOUR sins. If you never take responsibility for your sins then you’ll never actually stop repeating them. You don’t HAVE to masturbate and have sex. It’s not actually a biological need. There’s this thing called self control that you need to learn to use.

Having said that though trust me I’m on YOUR side. In fact if I had it my way this would be annulment #2 I would be getting with this relationship. I tried to marry both these women a LONG time ago and BOTH refused the wedding could offer in my poverty and wanted to wait and wait and WAIT so they can all get that nice wedding they see in the movies and secular TV. The good Lord knows I would had married each of them but these girls are the ones who have CHOSEN not to. You get it?

You keep complaining about the wedding, why can’t you just get a job, keep a job and pay for the darn thing. Also, you can do a large wedding on a shoestring if you want. Have you actually tried to discuss these issues with the lady?

And what good does that solve eh? You tell me. Do you really think just because you have a wedding somehow you are now immune from splitting up? Not the case my friend. At least I didn’t waste years if my life in an unhappy marriage only to have either of these girls get fed up and leave me broken hearted WITH an alimony payment of top of it while I slave to provide a life that will always fall short of what they want.

No, I don’t think I’m immune from marital problems and possible separation. But I do know that my attitude and my wife’s attitude to marriage is that it is an indissoluble bond. I believe that I must remain faithful to my wife until one of us kicks the bucket. Even if it’s extremely difficult. I also think it would be impossible for either of us to get an annulment.

You make out that it’s all on these women and they are the ones who are causing the issues. I don’t buy that. You refuse to take any responsibility in this situation and I doubt the story is as straightforward as you make out.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Please find someone to speak to. It sounds like you are in a dark place. This relationship sounds like a train wreck with both of you handling it badly and a poor innocent child in the middle. Please think of your children.

 

[Polluted]

You are reading what you want to read so you can feel self righteous in your own marriage and situation. Over the last 4 pages I have taken responsibility for MANY of the issues taking place here.

Play holy roller all you want my friend but should you ad your wife ever split up (Lord forbid). I want you to remember me and this thread as you enjoy a life of celibacy.

 

[AdamP88]

You are reading what you want to read so you can feel self righteous in your own marriage and situation. Over the last 4 pages I have taken responsibility for MANY of the issues taking place here.

Play holy roller all you want my friend but should you ad your wife ever split up (Lord forbid). I want you to remember me and this thread as you enjoy a life of celibacy.

Well, if that’s what you want to believe then feel free. I’m actually just responding to what I’ve seen you post. You attitude doesn’t appear to have altered though. Answer one question. When you quit your job, did you talk to your fiancee about it first?

 

[Polluted]

Please find someone to speak to. It sounds like you are in a dark place. This relationship sounds like a train wreck with both of you handling it badly and a poor innocent child in the middle. Please think of your children.

Lol this kid is fine. Yes surrounded by love and plenty of milk! All I’m doing is venting how I feel on the inside. We are actually quite civil towards one and other. But yes…this “marriage” needs to be halted and I see that now.

Half you folks wouldn’t have the courage. More than half! To end a potential marriage if it meant you losing all support you had, meant separation from your second child and you had To go rent a room 800 miles away working in retail. You folks would BREAK down.

As for me I’m already dead on the inside a little bit. But at least I’m spotless again. I went to confession and in gonna do what it takes to make things right.