What's the deal with pre-marital sex?

[GAHere]

Wow, that really was a lot to take in

First of all, welcome to the forums! The fact you’ve taken the time to find this board and post your concern reflects upon how much you really do care for this girl and the struggle you are dealing with to do the right thing. You’ve received some good advice so far. I hope you appreciate it and actually act upon some of the suggestions.

There are so many angles from which to address your original question: “What’s the deal with pre-marital sex?”

Think about that question, though. Obviously you’ve already engaged in it, so you can tell us what the deal is. Was/is it worth it? Is it as good as you expected? Has it strengthened your relationship or hurt it? Afterwards, do you feel fulfilled or empty? I suspect on all questions you will reply in the negative. And that’s the deal with pre-marital sex: it’s a lie. Who is the master of lies? Satan. Welcome to his world.

You mention you’re active in your church and that the two of you help with religious education. Do you not see how pervasive the lie of pre-marital sex is? If you aren’t open about your sexual relations then you’re hiding, and there’s a reason. What kind of message are you teaching to your students? What kind of role model are you for them? Certainly it helps that you are struggling with their same issues, but you’re the teachers and you aren’t willing or able to conquer them, how can you truly help them with theirs?

I’m glad to hear you both went to confession and really to want to stop this vicious cycle. That your girlfriend seems to cave in first is really just an indication that she is feeling insecure about your love for her though. That’s just the way girls are, for the most part. They equate physical intimacy with love. Guys don’t. Physical intimacy is just feeling good for a moment and has nothing to do in their minds with love. You’ll need to address your girlfriend’s insecurity. If you two ever do break up, she’ll do the same thing with another guy, pressure him to show her his love by getting physical. As much as you love her now and probably will if you break up, I don’t think you’ll want her to go down that road again. So you have an opportunity to really help this young woman become a better person.

John Paul II’s Theology of the Body answers your question best, but it’s kind of difficult to read. Christopher West has done a great job breaking it down to terms anyone can understand. You can get his “Naked Without Shame” seminar here for just shipping. Or your parish might have a copy in their library (some parishes use it with their engagement encounter preparation). It’s a 10-CD set, so it’s long, but so is the rest of your relationship with this girl. Advent is a season of preparation. Might I suggest you and she make time this season to listen to it together? Then talk to your religious ed director or priest if you have any questions.

Of course, there’s the simple solution as a previous poster noted: Marry her. But I wouldn’t recommend that without listening to the CDs first. Until you have the proper perspective of the beauty and wonder of sex within marriage you run the risk of using each other under the guise of marriage and that will make for a troublesome marriage.

Good luck to you. Keep praying, go to adoration, go to confession and talk with your girlfriend. Get her to see you love her so much you want this to stop.

 

[Jonikiro]

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.

I know now what I must do. Still, there’s one last, tip of the tongue thing I’d like to ask.

I’m pretty sure oral, masturbation, and sex are out of the question, so what can we do?

 

[ctybring]

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.

I know now what I must do. Still, there’s one last, tip of the tongue thing I’d like to ask.

I’m pretty sure oral, masturbation, and sex are out of the question, so what can we do?

I think it is a good idea for you to visit www.Trueknights.org there you will find a forum where you can ask question about avoiding sexuall temptations. It is a great site by a Catholic who really know how hard it is to break free from the temptations, he has been a sex and porn addict for several years, but has stayed pure for several years thanks to God.

 

[dulcissima]

Thank you all for the advice and suggestions.

I know now what I must do. Still, there’s one last, tip of the tongue thing I’d like to ask.

I’m pretty sure oral, masturbation, and sex are out of the question, so what can we do?

What can you do? You can get creative and find new ways of getting to know each other and relate to each other, new ways of giving of yourself that are less obvious.

This is the problem with pre-marital sex…you go there and then your relationship does not go any deeper. It stops developing and you don’t get to know eachother on the levels that you will need to in order to achieve true and lasting intimacy.

I suggest that you start by learning the true nature of love…

vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/encyclicals/documents/hf_ben-xvi_enc_20051225_deus-caritas-est_en.html

 

[Kendy]

Let it be known that I will do anything for this woman, even if it means reducing sexual activity to innocent pecks on the cheek. Despite my mistakes, I want to be the best person I can be for her, and I damn well plan to. I accept the consequences of my actions and desire to set things straight as best I can. We both do… And yet:

How do I live a chaste life with a woman who I adore both personally and physically?

Like I said, we are both heavily involved in the church and it’s teachings, which is what makes our premarital sex all the more confusing to me. The blame falls on me, as I was obsessed with the idea of sex for a large chunk of my life. However, I believe I can see clearly now that I’ve seen it first hand. I want to do the right thing now, and I know she does too. We just don’t know how.

You are so cute. I wish you guys the best.

 

[Bobby_Jim]

It’s a really great thing to have sex with your spouse, and know that it’s something special that only you two have shared, and that you’re learning it together, nobody coming in with previous experience/memories/hurt feelings tied up with previous partners, etc.

It’s hard to appreciate until you’ve been there. We live in an instant-gratification world. However, with sex, it’s definitely worth the wait. I’m having a hard time putting into words exactly how or why, but I am so glad we waited. It might have been fun in the moment to have sex before marriage, but it’s a thousand times better this way. Trust me. Really. It just is. Good luck!

 

[AnnaTherese]

It’s essentially a lie to the other person and to yourself. The purpose of sex is to reflect the reality of God. Indeed, everything we do, every action we take should reflect the reality and the truth of who God is. When we reflect something other than God, we sin. You are saying to the girl “I’m giving you my whole self” when you really aren’t at all. When Christ died on the cross, he gave his whole self to us, for us. Heaven is the great wedding feast. That’s not just a beautiful poetic thought. It’s reality.

Life and love are the two purposes of sex. The union of the spouses and the openness to life. But when it happens before marriage, it isn’t really a union, because you haven’t promised anything to God or to your spouse-to-be. You aren’t supposed to be becoming one flesh yet. And you can’t be open to life because your situation doesn’t allow it. You aren’t ready. So wait until you can truly say to her, “I am yours. I am for you, and all for you.”

I can tell you that I too was confused about this for a long time (Christopher West speaks eloquently about it in his talk “Marriage and the Eucharist”–I think maybe you can get it from the Mary Foundation.) ; no one ever actually came out and told me that certain behaviors that lead up to sex were wrong, although I knew that premarital sex was wrong, I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t Catholic at the time and had never heard a chastity talk until I was in college and had gone through my conversion. So don’t feel strange about not understanding this fully. I have often found that faith precedes understanding. God wants your trust before he will reveal certain things to you sometimes. Be patient and know that the answers will come, if not here, then elsewhere. I have actually come to understand this more deeply over time through having relations with my husband. You have a certain experience and you suddenly say to yourself, “Oh! That’s why…” Faith precedes understanding. Say yes to God and he will say yes to you.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

I was in this situation myself, and DH and I agree that we should have got married sooner than we did.

 

[BobCatholic]

Here’s a tough question.

Do you love her?

Seriously.

Let’s put that to the test.

if this was true love, then you would love her soul and would not want any harm to come to her soul.

Fornication is a grave sin, and it is one of those sins which WILL cost you and your girlfriend heaven.

So, tell me. Do you love her enough to say “I love you enough to not put your soul in danger”?

if the answer is “no” then stop dating her right now and learn to love.

The penis is not supposed to be your master. Christ is supposed to be your master.

===============

Now, for your question: What CAN we do? If this question is meant “how far can we go physically…” then that’s the wrong question.

This is like saying “OK, there’s this big burning pile of dung. How close can we get to that stinking, filthy, smelly, steamy, hot, disgusting pile of dung, without us smelling like you-know-what?” The correct answer is “Don’t get anywhere near it!”

If the only thing you can do is physical stuff, then you are in the wrong relationship. Man, what is gonna happen when she gives birth to your kid and you can’t touch her for how many weeks? Or when she’s 6 months pregnant and sex is painful for her? Or what if she’s sick and lying in bed and sex is out of the question? You won’t know how to relate to her.

So learn to relate to her without physical stuff, and you can easily handle the issues you’re having about being so passionate.

 

[Joya]

I would agree with all of the above posters . They have excellent explanations . I would also recommend the books that they have suggested - I’ve read Jason Evert’s book as well as “The Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. I give C. West’s book to all the couples I know. It gives very good explanations and the questions are from teens, I believe. Jason Evert’s book is great b/c it gives a lot of perspective coming from statistics and not just the “Catholic” point of view.

As a teen who was not terribly pure during high school, I want to tell you it’s not worth it. When you get wrapped up in the physical aspect of a relationship, the friendship part goes out the window. You lose respect for the other person and, as a girl, I felt used all the time. At the time, I didn’t realize it nearly as much, but I compromised and was left with pain that I had to deal with down the road. It’s empty and it doesn’t make you happy or fulfilled, esp. when you know you’re doing wrong. Had I spent that time doing things I was passionate about, instead of wasting all that time sneaking around and doing things I shouldn’t, I would have gotten SO much accomplished!

Unfortunately, this also led to chastity as an adult MUCH harder. It doesn’t get easier if you start early - and my husband was in the same position. When we met, we knew there was something special and he respected me and when he kissed me I knew it wasn’t because he wanted more. I never felt so beautiful in my life and he never felt so much like a man. Let me tell you, sex outside of marriage is NOTHING compared to sex inside marriage. When you have sex outside of marriage, even with a person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, it’s still a lie because you haven’t made that promise yet. And you focus only on the physical. Once inside marriage, it becomes a renewal of your vows and each time you say, “I give myself completely to you,” instead of the “I want gratification” that you say outside of it. It becomes self-less and beautiful and amazing, instead of the cheap version that falls to pieces right away. I had a friend tell me this once when I fell…she was/is married and she unfortunately gave her virginity up (to her husband) before their wedding night and she regretted it.

Plus, why would you want to run the risks of getting a girl pregnant (and then having to deal with that for the rest of your life), getting an STD that would make no decent woman want to get near you, or lead others to sin that could lead them down a horrible path as well? Your soul is at risk here, and it’s not worth it, believe me. It’s worth it to wait!

This is an excellent post! Pay attention to what she says!

 

[Aly]

Lots of my friends have sex and do other stuff cuz its like the thing to do at parties and on dates and stuff. Lots have been doin it since they were 12 or 13. They think that if its a moral sin once they do it there goin to hell anyway so why stop cuz they like it. If they stop and dont do it again are they still gonna go to hell? Can they still do the other stuff and not be goin to hell anyway?

Aly!

 

[LittleRose]

If they stop and dont do it again are they still gonna go to hell?

They must also sincerely repent and seek God’s forgiveness in the sacrament of Reconciliation.

 

[Jonikiro]

Welp, we did it. We talked about it and both agreed to stop all the sex, oral and otherwise. No sex, no private parts, even french kisses will be taken to a minimum. We do this out of love.

We’ve both agreed to start going out on more public dates in order to stave off temptation, to watch movies sitting up, and to make sure our pants (and her bra) stay on. We realize it won’t be easy, and there may be times when we slip up, but we’re determined to do whatever we have to in order to keep our relationship from faltering. Again, I mean.

Thank you all for giving us the advice and support you did. You’ll be sure to hear from us again if we ever need your help in the future.

Oh, and btw, feel free to leave any more feedback. If there’s something I’ve missed, then please do tell. Again, thank you all.

 

[BobCatholic]

Check out Pure Love Club:

pureloveclub.com/

 

[Julianna]

I am an avid Catholic. However, I am also an 18 year old boy. To be blunt, I do try to stray away from masturbation and having sex with my girlfriend, but I’m really not clear on exactly why the catholic church tells us to abstain from sex before marriage. I’ve heard parents, friends, priests, and professionals talk about it, but they all seem to be very vague on the subject. Please, can you guys spell it out for me?

Making love is a very emotional experience and should not be taken lightly. It is difficult, but not impossible for young people to resist the “feelings” they believe is “love” for the other person. I have a problem understanding the “casual” attitude towards sex. It is not “casual” it’s serious. Outside of marriage it is confusing, debilitating and can cause emotional trauma down the road. If you are giving yourself to someone that you have no intention of committing to, you are giving yourself away…selfishly. You will hear alot about what the church says and all the hell and damnation that goes with it. I am telling you this from a different point of view.

If this relationship with your girlfriend does not work out and you find the “one” you want to marry…you will regret that you had sex prior…because you may feel that you have found the love of your life and wish you both could experience within the sanctity of marriage.

I would never tell you that you are an awful person, or that you are condemned to hell fire, etc… Not for me to say. Your hormones and your desires are right where they should be…you also possess the strength and the will to control them, as does your girlfriend.

You are 18 yrs old. Get your life in order, college, job training, career. She needs to do the same.

True love does wait… I wish you all the best. I will not condemn you, but I will be concerned with your (and her) emotional health.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

If you are giving yourself to someone that you have no intention of committing to, you are giving yourself away…selfishly.

Lots of people have premarital sex because they are engaged or planning on commiting. That is equally damaging.

If this relationship with your girlfriend does not work out and you find the “one” you want to marry…you will regret that you had sex prior…because you may feel that you have found the love of your life and wish you both could experience within the sanctity of marriage.

As someone who had sex before marriage with the man who is now my husband, I can say that we too wish we could have saved ourselves for the sanctity of marriage.

I would never tell you that you are an awful person, or that you are condemned to hell fire, etc… Not for me to say.

I would not say the OP is an awful person, just that he struggles just like the rest of us. We are faced with all kinds of temptations in this life and are called to be holy and resist them. If we fall, we can repent and be forgiven. BUT, I can say that if you should die while in a state of mortal sin your soul is in jeopardy of being condemned to hell for all eternity.

Your hormones and your desires are right where they should be…you also possess the strength and the will to control them, as does your girlfriend.

You are 18 yrs old. Get your life in order, college, job training, career. She needs to do the same.



True love does wait… I wish you all the best. I will not condemn you, but I will be concerned with your (and her) emotional health.

Me too. After reading Christopher West’s the good news about sex and marriage hubby and I realized just how much our premarital sex damaged our marriage.

 

[Norseman82]

Well, I’m glad Jonikiro has seen the light.

She said she was being honest. And she said she it was for emotional rather than religious reasons at that time. Perhaps these questions did not arise until AFTER she got married. Furthermore, she said it would not have been her preference! If her husband had been a virgin, don’t you think it would have been hyprocritical NOT to marry him because of that reason? Keep what she said in context.

Not only hypocritical, but also scandalous. Because regardless of motivation, it still sends out the signal “I value those who disobey the rules more”.

 

[Norseman82]

She said she was being honest. And she said she it was for emotional rather than religious reasons at that time. Perhaps these questions did not arise until AFTER she got married. Furthermore, she said it would not have been her preference! If her husband had been a virgin, don’t you think it would have been hyprocritical NOT to marry him because of that reason? Keep what she said in context.

Not only hypocritical, but also scandalous.

No matter what the motivation or context, it still sends out the signal “I value those who disobey the rules more. It pays more to be a fornicating bum.”

 

[Norseman82]

Well, I’m glad Jonikiro has seen the light.

Not only hypocritical, but also scandalous. Because regardless of motivation, it still sends out the signal “I value those who disobey the rules more”.

Double post…sorry…

 

[lisalisa]

Not only hypocritical, but also scandalous.

No matter what the motivation or context, it still sends out the signal “I value those who disobey the rules more. It pays more to be a fornicating bum.”

It’s hypocritical to say you won’t marry someone because they didn’t have sex before marriage also, . It goes both ways. And by the way, it’s rude and uncalled for to call someone who had sex before marriage a bum. You are basically calling most people in America a bum including the original poster. Isn’t it hypocritical of you to say such a statement when god says to treat others the way you want to be treated…

By the way, I was a virgin when I got married.