When and how does mothering your husband become a detriment to marriage?

[Sabda]

Beesweet,
The goal in raising kids is to help them to grow to be mature, productive, members of society. To help them become independent. That requires setting limits and giving guidelines, mothering. You are not raising your husband. He is already grown and should be independent. Mothering should not be involved in the care of a husband.

Is there a reason why you pick out hubby’s clothes? Is he color-blind? If he is not than let him pick his own clothes out, he is a big boy. If he is color-blind I would guide him to pick out clothes that did not clash with each other. He would still be picking out his own clothes though.

My husbands preferences on meals is far more important to me than the kids. I often ask his opinion on what we had at dinner and than try and keep it in mind the next time I make that dish. If I’m looking at a new recipe, I will get his opinion on it before trying it. I would rather have my husband happy with what I cooked than have him chocking something down.

In our house my dh does not like beans, spinach, or asparagus. So I simply do not cook those things. I love asparagus and spinach so on the rare I occasions that I do cook them I do it just for me. I personally do not like garlic or onions or creamed corn for that matter. The only onions you will find in this house are the green onions. Dh understands this, and we compromise. I don’t force him to eat what he doesn’t like, he doesn’t force me to eat what I don’t like. I do have to agree, putting another pot of veggies or steaming another veggie is not that much of a hard ship.

As far as the kids go, I’m guessing that at this stage your little one is not a picky eater? Well I’ve got one. DD is our good eater, she’ll eat most anything except mashed potatoes. She has never liked them, so we rarely have them. Or if we do it’s offered along with another side dish. DSS, on the other hand, is the pickest kid I have seen. He WILL go to bed hunger before eating something he does not like. He is 4.5 yr old for the record. You can not make him sit at a table and eat what he does not like. He won’t eat, period. So this has caused me to become more creative in my cooking just to try and find things that he does like. He doesn’t have an aversion to healthy foods, just mainly meat. He will inhale just about any dairy and fruit product out there. Most veggies, with some exceptions, he will try. Meat is his main issue. Since I’m not about to go vegan and neither is anyone else in the family that means we have to get creative about dinner. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you just need to branch out more in your cooking?

 

[Catholic90]

I was the queen picky eater as a child. Thank GOD mom and dad never made food a power struggle.

I hated tomato sauce. If mom made spaghetti or lasagna, she would leave some pasta out plain for me.

Dad hated peas. If she fixed peas, there would also be green beans or corn.

Mom made sure that there was one thing on the table that all 6 of us liked. We were free to eat a meal of the one thing we liked.

You do not have to fix a separate meal for everyone, just, give everyone something to eat.

Exactly!!
Never make food a power struggle. Never make kids eat when they are not hungry, and never, ever make them “clean their plate”. They KNOW when they are hungry and when they are full. Overriding this natural, built in guage is one of the causes of weight problems, I believe. Never make food a weapon, good or bad.

 

[BeeSweet]

Wow, people are sure obsessed with food! I don’t make anyone do anything for goodness sake. And I do make two vegetables occasionally, especially if I see good quality produce available.

I think to really illuminate my problem here would require my divulging a bit more personal information than I’m comfortable with on a public forum. Not to mention it seems that people hear what they want to hear, and jump to some pretty outlandish conclusions of martyrdom based on the fact that I don’t want to cook two vegetables, or the assumption that I’m hypercritical of his clothing and so must dress him myself. Honestly, all this just started as me doing favors for him, and then over many years he came to depend on it all. I just want to reduce some of my responsibilities, and not have it seem to him as if I don’t love him anymore or that I don’t have time for him anymore. Really, if you read thru these posts you all can see my problem quite clearly. Look at the attitude I’ve received from complete strangers! How do you think my husband, the one who depends on these “acts of kindness” would take it!?!

 

[1ke]

Bee–

**Is there any reason you can’t just tell him? ** It seems like you are overly concerned with hurting his feelings. Does he get his feeling hurt easily?

How about, “Honey, our family is growing and changing. You used to have my full attention, but now that is split among you and the kids. I am finding that I have less time to do some of the ‘little things’ that I used to enjoy doing for you and you enjoyed receiving. I don’t want you to get the impression I am ignoring you but something’s got to give. The kids are not old enough to see to their own needs, so I need you to do some of the things I used to do for you: X, Y, Z.”

Don’t forget that you are still a wife, some women go totally into “mommy” mode as soon as they have kids and basically ignore their DHs… I am not saying that is what you are doing, but I am sure it is very easy to do this unconsciously b/c you are so busy and babies are very needy.

Your DH does have needs too, and so do you. Find ways to meet each other’s needs.

I’m sure if you just tell your DH what you are feeling and thinking he will work with you to find something that works for everyone.

 

[smallcat]

If making two veggies is too much of a big deal, why not just make one? IF he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t eat it. Big deal. As long as there’s a main dish on the table he will eat, and as long as you’re making some of his “acceptable” veggies a few times a week, is he really going to die if he doesn’t eat veggies a couple of nights a week? Have a bowl of grapes or sliced apples on the table if he wants a little more variety.

 

[BeeSweet]

Bee–

**Is there any reason you can’t just tell him? ** It seems like you are overly concerned with hurting his feelings. Does he get his feeling hurt easily?

How about, “Honey, our family is growing and changing. You used to have my full attention, but now that is split among you and the kids. I am finding that I have less time to do some of the ‘little things’ that I used to enjoy doing for you and you enjoyed receiving. I don’t want you to get the impression I am ignoring you but something’s got to give. The kids are not old enough to see to their own needs, so I need you to do some of the things I used to do for you: X, Y, Z.”

Don’t forget that you are still a wife, some women go totally into “mommy” mode as soon as they have kids and basically ignore their DHs… I am not saying that is what you are doing, but I am sure it is very easy to do this unconsciously b/c you are so busy and babies are very needy.

Your DH does have needs too, and so do you. Find ways to meet each other’s needs.

I’m sure if you just tell your DH what you are feeling and thinking he will work with you to find something that works for everyone.

I think he gets his feelings hurt easily, but I doubt he’d agree! We’ve just had so many changes in the last few years, it’s as if we’re in a metaphorical vise that’s being tightened and tightened… And now with a new baby on the way, I’m sure we’re both feeling more pressure, and it seems like a bad time to tell him I’m feeling burdened. It’s just that he really loves being mothered, he’s told me so. He wants more of it, not less.

I’m probably just being pregnant. Feeling anxious and worried, and really really tired. We’ll figure it out eventually.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I think to really illuminate my problem here would require my divulging a bit more personal information than I’m comfortable with on a public forum. Not to mention it seems that people hear what they want to hear, and jump to some pretty outlandish conclusions of martyrdom based on the fact that I don’t want to cook two vegetables, or the assumption that I’m hypercritical of his clothing and so must dress him myself. Honestly, all this just started as me doing favors for him, and then over many years he came to depend on it all. I just want to reduce some of my responsibilities, and not have it seem to him as if I don’t love him anymore or that I don’t have time for him anymore. Really, if you read thru these posts you all can see my problem quite clearly. Look at the attitude I’ve received from complete strangers! How do you think my husband, the one who depends on these “acts of kindness” would take it!?!

**I thought I gave you two posts of thought out advice that didn’t get stuck on just the food issue…

But I’ll say one thing again…TALK to your hubby. Not in a way that comes off as complaining but that respects him as your husband and lets him know that you need some things to change but don’t want to make him feel neglected. Men are funny creatures…you just might find out that all of that mothering he says he loves you to do is really only one small thing (like cooking his favorite veggie) and that everything else you’re stressed isn’t a big deal.

**

 

[BeeSweet]

**I thought I gave you two posts of thought out advice that didn’t get stuck on just the food issue…

But I’ll say one thing again…TALK to your hubby. Not in a way that comes off as complaining but that respects him as your husband and lets him know that you need some things to change but don’t want to make him feel neglected. Men are funny creatures…you just might find out that all of that mothering he says he loves you to do is really only one small thing (like cooking his favorite veggie) and that everything else you’re stressed isn’t a big deal.

**

Thanks for your advice Malia, I appreciate it.

 

[GhostMan]

As a husband, I really, really think you’re being dismissive when you say that now you’re a mother and you have to transfer nurturing from your husband to your children. No, actually you don’t. It seems like you had a long run of time with just the two of you, now you’re blessed with children you want to change the arrangements.

What I’m reading is a pretty passive/aggressive attitiude towards your husband; you seem to want to punish him for not doing what you want, how you want, when you want by taking away the acts of kindness you have languished upon him for a dozen years.

That will work, if you want a husband who throws his love and attention into the children, his hobbies, his job, sports, etc. It’s up to you. This isn’t about turnips; it’s about an attitude.

Marriage is a continual act of servanthood towards the other person. Everyday, without fail.

Men fear the transformation you are making. They marry a woman who is a friend, lover and companion and fear that she will turn into her mother. Not in a physical sense, but in a sense that she identifies with the title “mommie” more than “darling wife”.

You’re a mommie, congratulations. God has richly blessed you. If it defines you, though, then you’re husband will be in mourning for the rest of his life. Find a balance.

 

[aurora77]

I don’t believe that wives should be “mothering” their husbands. Grown men aren’t children, they have a mother; they don’t need a second. But, as wives, we should be caring for, and nurturing our DH, just as they should be caring for us. Part of nurturing is recognizing DH’s (or DW) likes and dislikes and respecting them.

I think many posters, myself included, have gotten hung up on the food issue from the way you stated it in the OP–you nag him to eat his veggies and serve things that “stimulate his gag reflex.” I see this as totally unfair and disrespectful. My DH hates, with a passion, broccoli and chicken. He’s told me the taste of chicken makes him gag. Guess what–I don’t serve chicken as a part of a meal for the two of us. I would never ask him to do something as trivial as eat food that he can’t stand. He’s been so good to me over the years, through some very difficult times that the least I can do for him is not serve him food he hates.

We have very different tastes in food. What’s worked for us, is that I will cook something that we both like for supper. On my days off when DH is at work, I cook things for lunch that I know he wouldn’t want to eat. That way I’m getting to eat the things I enjoy, while DH isn’t subjected to a meal he can’t stand.

I agree with those who’ve said to talk to your DH. That’s the only way any of this will be resolved.

 

[drafdog]

Surprise, surprise: wives “mother” their husbands. Husbands also “father” their wives. It’s a two way street. Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I don’t need to be pampered a little now and then. I pamper my wife in exchange. No biggy.

Now about the veggies. We had something called a “no, thank you” portion. All my kids will laugh and tell you about it. They will shortly be practicing the technique on their own rug rats. The idea is that you eat everything on your plate. You don’t have to like everything, but you have to eat it. It’s practice for eating out, for eating at a friend’s house, etc. If you don’t like something, you take just a bit, a spoonful, to be polite. You eat what you take. And you say “thank you.” When we like something, we take second helpings. Again, no biggy.

Try the “no, thank you” helping idea. It isn’t hard and everyone eats what’s prepared.

Matthew

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Lunch is a great time. That’s when you can make that big bowl of buttery spinach that no one at dinner would touch.

I think what we have is a language issue. When we marry, we are supposed to give each other mutual help and support. Calling that “mothering” is demeaning. Your husband is supposed to be giving you mutual help and support too. When you have kids, the balance changes. Your energy changes. Your time available for hobbies changes. It’s called growing up and not spending all your time as a couple. You now focus on the needs of the most vulnerable in the family. BOTH of you have kids now and need to act like that. Sounds like you aren’t getting the mutual help and support in return, and so you are resenting what you did for him.

Unless you were giving him what I call the “doggie treatment.” You know the people. They have a dog that they call “Our baby.” And they treat it like a child. Which is fine. Till the real baby comes along and the dog assumes its rightful place on the floor as an animal, not a semi-person. Some people do that with husbands. They throw all their efforts into spoiling the guy. He laps it up. Then the babies come along and he resents that he isn’t the center of the universe anymore.

My advice to my daughters would be not to “create a monster.” I did. I ironed his shirts, polished his shoes and took mommy care of him as an act of love. Or so I thought. In the back of my head I realized it was never a two-way street. Then I had a baby. I was so exhausted and anemic. I needed a nap, not a pile of his shoes to do. I bought him an electric shoe polisher. He became angry that he had to iron his own shirts and polish his own shoes. Though he never volunteered to diaper the baby. He pouted and made cutting comments.

That was a symptom of a bigger problem. As long as I indulged his selfishness we were “happy.” I’m not saying your husband is selfish. But it sounds like he needs a reality check with what YOU are going through as a mother. My XH never had that.

Has he taken care of the baby all day? Has he run the house by himself for several days with the baby? Does he know how truly exhausted you are doing that AND pregnant?

Sorry, fellas, but I don’t care if your biggest fear is to have your wife turn into a mother. YOU did that to her. So help her carry the load. Most women here have worked full time at some point in their lives. They can relate to your job and fatigue. But at the end of the day you come home and work is done till the next morning. They are still wife/mom/homemaker all evening, all night and into the morning. And doing it with pregnancy. You cannot walk in those shoes ever. So don’t judge. I’ve seen husbands who actually help their wives. They prove it can be done cheerfully and lovingly. And their wives often are grateful. And have more energy to then give back to them.

Ladies, ask him what is on his must-do list for feeling “mutual help and support.” If it’s picking out clothes, and he wants a mommy, delegate MIL with buying his stuff or something.

But mutual help and support is MUTUAL. And brides, don’t start doing stuff for him that you won’t want to continue doing when you have screaming kids tugging at you, a pile of laundry, and a baby demanding to be breastfed. Because you might just find out that the BIGGEST baby of all expects to be mommied also.

You aren’t his mother. Any actions that go with that word will internally diminish your respect for him, and that will affect how you treat him. Then you will find yourself telling people accidentally that you have THREE kids.

BeeSweet, you need to sit down and honestly talk to him now, before the new baby comes. New baby will be twice the work. You need to get this taken care of now. You aren’t newlyweds and honeymooners anymore. You are parents and he needs to step up to the plate more.

I’m not saying if he has gangrene in his leg to ignore it and not suggest he goes to the doctor. But heavens! What if something happened to you. Could he and the kids live through the week without you there? Don’t be an enabler.

 

[Catholic90]

Surprise, surprise: wives “mother” their husbands. Husbands also “father” their wives. It’s a two way street. Just because I’m an adult doesn’t mean I don’t need to be pampered a little now and then. I pamper my wife in exchange. No biggy.

Now about the veggies. We had something called a “no, thank you” portion. All my kids will laugh and tell you about it. They will shortly be practicing the technique on their own rug rats. **The idea is that you eat everything on your plate. :nope: **You don’t have to like everything, but you have to eat it. It’s practice for eating out, for eating at a friend’s house, etc. **If you don’t like something, you take just a bit, a spoonful, to be polite. You eat what you take. :nope: **And you say “thank you.” When we like something, we take second helpings. Again, no biggy.

Try the “no, thank you” helping idea. It isn’t hard and everyone eats what’s prepared.

Matthew

Nope, don’t agree with that AT ALL. My kids had to try everything when they were little, but once they got to …oh, about 7 or 8 I suppose…they knew what they liked and did not like. They don’t have to take what they don’t like, and they definitely do not have to eat everything on their plates. I think that sets them up for horrible eating patterns in the future - they are overriding their bodies’ natural signals.

I for one absolutely LOVE squash. I can live on squash. One son likes it, while it literally gags the other 2. Why in heaven’s name would I insist they take a spoonful and then eat it? That would ruin dinner for all of us. So instead, I make squash and corn on the cob. Guess what? Everyone is happy!

As far as eating out or at a friend’s house…I am never offended when someone dining at our house does not take a portion of something. No biggie. There is always something else. Likewise, I have dined at other places, and I have not taken something they serve. They are not offended either.

 

[whatevergirl]

For goodness sake folks, I’m not putting a bib on the man and spoon feeding him brussel sprouts! I tried a different cooking method to see if he could tolerate the durn things, and he said they were better cooked that way. That’s what I meant by “he choked them down,” just that he ate them even though he still didn’t like them just to try the new cooking method I had attempted.

Honestly, we’re just going to have to disagree on this whole “cook a whole bunch of different things so that everyone gets what they want.” I was not raised that way, I will not raise my children that way, that’s just really bad manners to not accept graciously what is is served to you. The world does not work that way either. Sometimes you gotta take what life gives you and not complain.

I don’t have much advice, but thought this was hilarious! Bee Sweet, you are just that…a very sweet and caring person. I think that your husband most likely appreciates these things you do, but it doesn’t seem like he won’t be able to adapt to the surroundings of a soon to be infant around, along with the toddler. I sometimes pick my husband’s clothes out, but that’s more so he matches. lol

I think you’ll be fine.

 

[tapiocapudding]

I admit I have a mothering my husband problem too that I’m working hard to overcome. I don’t pick out his clothes or anything but I do nag an awful lot. I’ll tell him to wear a sweater on a cool day. I’ll bug him to buy new shoes when his old ones get holes. I always nag him to quit leaving his dirty clothes on the floor or put his dishes in the sink. I tell him to eat his veggies (though I don’t really expect that he will). I make the darned brussel sprouts anyhow and if he doesn’t want them he can have more of whatever else I cook. It just drives me nutso when I cook a reasonably proportioned supper with lots of food and he’ll eat it… then go make himself a grilled cheese sandwich an hour later followed by cookies or something. Then he’ll ask me to help him lose weight?? Still I should just let it go and not bug him about it. He is a wonderful guy. His worst quality is slobiness and I knew that when I married him and decided I could definitely live with that as it is his wonderful easygoing nature that causes that particular annoyance. So I’m trying to catch myself before I start in on him for some little thing and apologize to him if I do get to nagging.

 

[whatevergirl]

I admit I have a mothering my husband problem too that I’m working hard to overcome. I don’t pick out his clothes or anything but I do nag an awful lot. I’ll tell him to wear a sweater on a cool day. I’ll bug him to buy new shoes when his old ones get holes. I always nag him to quit leaving his dirty clothes on the floor or put his dishes in the sink. I tell him to eat his veggies (though I don’t really expect that he will). I make the darned brussel sprouts anyhow and if he doesn’t want them he can have more of whatever else I cook. It just drives me nutso when I cook a reasonably proportioned supper with lots of food and he’ll eat it… then go make himself a grilled cheese sandwich an hour later followed by cookies or something. Then he’ll ask me to help him lose weight?? Still I should just let it go and not bug him about it. He is a wonderful guy. His worst quality is slobiness and I knew that when I married him and decided I could definitely live with that as it is his wonderful easygoing nature that causes that particular annoyance. So I’m trying to catch myself before I start in on him for some little thing and apologize to him if I do get to nagging.

aw, I liked your post tapioca…I think that what you’re doing can be seen as trying to be helpful and loving. I, too, used to ‘get on’ my husband about smoking…and at times, could be accused of being a nag. (he never has accused me of that though–he knows my passion about not smoking) I think every couple has their ‘things,’ and as long as it’s done in the spirit with which it’s intended…to help and foster a nurturing environment…then, I don’t see the harm in it.

Mothering would be treating our spouses like they are kids. I have to tell my son to do his homework…to take the trash out…my daughter to stop arguing with her brother…I know that I don’t talk to my husband like that at all. So, if you sense that you’re starting to talk to your spouse the way you talk to your children…then, it might be time to take a breather, and think of other ways to communicate.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Okay, I should probably read more, but just looking at the subject line, my first thought is: “Mothering my husband? Ew. Who does that?” Nurturing him, encouraging him, supporting him, being honest with him when perhaps he is making choices that may not be good for him are all fine, but mothering? I hope I’ve never done that with my husband.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I let my mother-in-law mother my husband - I don’t do it anymore. Tell him to eat his vegetables???You must be kidding!
My husband is a grown man and I have four children, plus a lot of students. I don’t have time to mother him and he would be surprised if I did try. We each do our own laundry, take turns at cooking and cleaning and parenting chores, and just generally behave like grown-ups.
I do, however, smother him with love and appreciation, which he enjoys!

I agree totally. I read some posts and can’t imagine worrying about feeding hubby veggies, but maybe it is because he eats and likes most veggies? I just don’t “get” mothering my husband. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. He’s a grown man and well past needing any mothering. Even his own mother doesn’t mother him anymore. So, I guess I’m a little confused about a woman mothering her husband. Maybe it is just a choice of words? Even so, I can’t shake what the word “mother” means to me and it has nothing to do with my husband.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I sometimes pick my husband’s clothes out, but that’s more so he matches. lol

I think you’ll be fine.

Okay, I have done that, but I only help him. And, that is because he is partly color blind and asks me sometimes if something is blue or black or if something matches. Or, if he has put together a questionable combination, I’ll mention it to him. Is helping him out in that regard considered “mothering?” I don’t consider it such. I consider it helping him.

 

[Sabda]

Okay, I have done that, but I only help him. And, that is because he is partly color blind and asks me sometimes if something is blue or black or if something matches. Or, if he has put together a questionable combination, I’ll mention it to him. Is helping him out in that regard considered “mothering?” I don’t consider it such. I consider it helping him.

In this context no I would not consider it mothering. He is handicapped in his sight and needs help. This is totally different from a woman who would just simply go and pick out her husbands clothes simply because that is what she wanted him to wear for the day. That’s why I asked in my above post if the op’s husband was color blind.