When dating how frequent should communication be?

[CAmeliaD]

I have called him but he usually calls me and I’ve texted him a few times so I feel like I’m putting in all the effort at this point.

If you are putting in all the effort and not seeing the fruits of a quality relationship, get out of it! If he’s changed his behaviors, he has probably changed his mind!

 

[chevalier]

Looks like you and your guy have a communication problem and possibly a problem relating to need for spending time together. Not replying to text messages is generally rude and smells trouble. The whole “busy” thing does as well. It’s possible he needs time away for this or that reason (of which the most I don’t understand, but hey, modern people are weird), or that he’s confused about the relationship.

By the way, pulling away or other problems relating to spending time together, or suddenly no longer replying, or suddenly deciding the whole relationship has only ever been on an acquaintance level, are not only guys’ speciality. I’ve had tons of problems of that kind with my exes and could-have-beens. You need to find someone who will give you a similar priority as you give him and who will need a similar frequency and length of contact. This is an important aspect of compatibility and possibly one often underestimated.

I’ll wait and see if he calls me over the next few days. If not I’ll send him an email explaining how I feel and how he should be more honest with the next girl if something isn’t right for him. I know some would say that’s not a good thing to do but maybe if he’s so clueless as to not know how the games can hurt someone and if I let him know he’ll be kinder to the next girl he ditches.

Don’t make it long or personal or dramatic. Just tell him you take it he isn’t interested in keeping further contact, so that’s fine, kind regards. Don’t play any head games. Seriously. You have better things to do with your time and I’d be very skeptical about chances for a healthy relationship in such a case.

I really old fashioned and never call a guy unless there’s a mutual agreement on a serious exclusive relationship.

That’s classy of you, just don’t allow your etiquettal customs to fossilise. There are circumstances when it’s better to be flexible. In this case, you don’t need to phone him, though, nor should you. By the way, make sure that while following the rules, you give guys feedback - if a guy sees he’s not worth a smile or a word of acknowledgement or simply unable to cause it to happen, then he’s probably not going to be happy at all and possibly won’t have the motivation to keep pursuing.

If we are at etiquette, a gentleman should not tell a lady he’s too busy for her (and vice versa). Even if one really is too busy, one uses different vocabulary and a different tone, as well as an apology and/or some expression of regret. Make sure you’re respected - I’m getting some doubts there.

 

[TheRiver]

Girls just don’t seem to get this bit, we do this on purpose, I do it all the time after a while to test the girl to see how she reacts.

And every single time, after a few days I can be sure I’ll either see some kind of email, text or even a phone call about some random thing, but it’s obviously to talk to me, wondering where I’ve gone and why I haven’t kept in contact.

It’s just a guy thing, I mean of course this doesn’t necessarily mean he’s done it on purpose, there might just be a legitimate reason such as work, or assignments, or death in family or whatever, no need to get mad either. If he goes for a week without contacting you in some way, then you’d have a right to be upset, that’s like short term abandonment, up to you what you do, either you can contact him which I strongly suggest you do, but don’t ask stuff like hey are we through, what happened to us, bla bla, major turn off.

Some of the ideas people suggest here are just - loosen up a bit ffs.

 

[BrokenFortress]

Girls just don’t seem to get this bit, we do this on purpose, I do it all the time after a while to test the girl to see how she reacts.

Now that sounds like a mature way to act in a relationship…

To the OP: If he’s acting a way that makes you uncertain, I would move on. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other, good men out there.

 

[TheRiver]

Now that sounds like a mature way to act in a relationship…

To the OP: If he’s acting a way that makes you uncertain, I would move on. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other, good men out there.

Yes and keep doing that until you’re 60 Sierrah, cause the right man will come for you eventually

There is nothing wrong with having a little fun, it’s also good to go a few days without having to text each other or call, or email or whatever, it speaks volumes about the other person when they have a bit of a fit, or feel insecure that the significant other hasn’t said anything in a few days.

There is no right or wrong, if he does indeed ignore you for a bit, then do the same thing to him, see how he reacts, how else are you going to know him better, sometimes being silent for a while can tell you a lot about the other person. Moving on, dumping him etc. is the immature path, not the mature way, and certainly suggesting her to move on if she is uncertain about him is also up there in the immaturity list. So everytime something a bit iffy happens you just give up?

Well done Allison.

 

[Joe_5859]

Yes and keep doing that until you’re 60 Sierrah, cause the right man will come for you eventually

There is nothing wrong with having a little fun, it’s also good to go a few days without having to text each other or call, or email or whatever, it speaks volumes about the other person when they have a bit of a fit, or feel insecure that the significant other hasn’t said anything in a few days.

There is no right or wrong, if he does indeed ignore you for a bit, then do the same thing to him, see how he reacts, how else are you going to know him better, sometimes being silent for a while can tell you a lot about the other person. Moving on, dumping him etc. is the immature path, not the mature way, and certainly suggesting her to move on if she is uncertain about him is also up there in the immaturity list. So everytime something a bit iffy happens you just give up?

Well done Allison.

Sierrah, remember that in mature relationships, such silly games are not necessary. If a guy is behaving that way, he’s not worth the effort. No offense, River.

 

[TheRiver]

Sierrah, remember that in mature relationships, such silly games are not necessary. If a guy is behaving that way, he’s not worth the effort. No offense, River.

Yes Joe, let’s make wide sweeping generalizations

 

[Aislin]

Yes Joe, let’s make wide sweeping generalizations

That’s not a generalization, that’s the truth. Any guy that thinks it’s “fun” to play mind games and “test” the girl is, quite simply, a jerk and not worth the effort. I would also say he doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship until he can grow up and learn to treat others with respect.

Because suddenly cutting off contact with someone without any sort of explanation is just so mature.

 

[Norseman82]

My first thought was that perhaps he does not communicate well over the phone…however, the following has about as many “red flags” as a May Day parade in Beijing:

I must add my dating experience has been limited and my relationships prior to this were not that great…guys turned abusive or just left.

I’ve only been in bad ones so I don’t have the experience to know if that is true. He’s always treated me with respect before but has been a little slow at revealing details of his past. I know he went through a painfull divorce and I’m wondering if he’s just not really ready for a relationship. I hate to think ill of him he’s always seemed so straight forward.

I think that the two of you simply are not compatible as far as past relationships are concerned; in fact, I think the two of you are about as incompatible as it gets in this department. Besides, sometimes people who have been through a traumatic experience guard that part of their life and do not share it or are very careful with whom they share it. It is possible that he knows you cannot relate to it.

Is he Catholic? Is his marriage annulled? Are there children involved? The last may have something to do with things.

Also, how old is he in relation to you and does he live close enough to you that the two of you can meet in person on a regular basis? (Forgive me if I missed these points if you’ve addressed them in previous posts).

 

[TheRiver]

Is it any wonder at all that so many people on these forums have problems finding dates.

There’s nothing wrong with some mind games every now and then, if you can’t take a bit of suspense early on, I wonder how you’re going to actually deal with the stresses of a married life after that.

 

[CAmeliaD]

There’s nothing wrong with some mind games every now and then, if you can’t take a bit of suspense early on, I wonder how you’re going to actually deal with the stresses of a married life after that.

People in healthy relationships, especially healthy marriages, don’t play mind games. There is nothing mature about manipulating other people’s feelings for your own amusement… mind games are not a part of healthy married life. I can’t imagine you are actually married if you have that perception of marriage.

 

[Sierrah]

I think that the two of you simply are not compatible as far as past relationships are concerned; in fact, I think the two of you are about as incompatible as it gets in this department. Besides, sometimes people who have been through a traumatic experience guard that part of their life and do not share it or are very careful with whom they share it. It is possible that he knows you cannot relate to it.

Is he Catholic? YES Is his marriage annulled? He was working on that supposedly Are there children involved? YES his two The last may have something to do with things. I don’t think so they seemed to like and accept me fine

Also, how old is he in relation to you and does he live close enough to you that the two of you can meet in person on a regular basis? (Forgive me if I missed these points if you’ve addressed them in previous posts). He lived a ways from me but we rotated going back and forth and met in the middle and he’s only a few years older then me.

 

[Sierrah]

Is it any wonder at all that so many people on these forums have problems finding dates.

There’s nothing wrong with some mind games every now and then, if you can’t take a bit of suspense early on, I wonder how you’re going to actually deal with the stresses of a married life after that.

I find mind games to be painfull and immature. Please don’t do that to the ladies you date.

 

[chevalier]

And so did the river cast its stormy waters against the mighty walls of the fortress. Looks like a job for a pirate.Not everything can be said and yes, from time to time healthy people convey some meanings in non-verbal ways or simply engage in diplomacy. It’s kinda necessary to an extent. All those flirting games (hereinafter referred to as the “Chase”) can be fun… for those who are not getting the shorter end of the stick. I kinda like the *I am going to sweep you off your feet whether you like this or not *part, but minds that can’t not play games don’t strike me as healthy samples (spits at the deck and casts a longing gaze at the saw). Human feelings are not toys and the use of another person is not justifiable. It kinda merits a good keelhauling.

Now as for guys doing the pull-away thing on purpose… I agree partly but not fully. I’m always mindful of how much it takes a lass to put her manicured little fingers to the keyboard, but where I choose not to contact her for some time, that’s always when the last message was mine and she hasn’t replied, or when the last message was hers but it was a short reply, a goodbye or something of the sort. I do that to check if she has any need to communicate with me, mostly in unclear friends or foes, I mean, friends or “lovers” kinda situation. A good probe is also how much heart she puts in her replies. If you sense signs of boredom, then you obviously aren’t making her hold her breath. If she grudgingly replies, as if it costs her, or if you need to fight the communication out of her, then obviously, she’s feeling accosted, or she has issues, or anything else that means it’s not a good idea to set your hopes high. I may do some other things of the kind if I’m feeling shortchanged and sensing something (and in such a case, asking directly is likely to produce a short rebuke, or a couple of half-hearted excuses, or a war, so it’s not quiiiite the best approach - and sometimes you just aren’t close enough to be direct like that). But in a normal situation with a normal girl, it doesn’t go farther than a simple check or two to see if she’s interested (and to avoid the drama and awkwardness if she’s not). No one’s gonna tell me that women don’t probe guys early on, to see if they’re interested.

But not replying to a message at all is rude. And power games to see who’s gonna dictate the terms in the relationship are awful.

 

[Sierrah]

By the way, pulling away or other problems relating to spending time together, or suddenly no longer replying, or suddenly deciding the whole relationship has only ever been on an acquaintance level, are not only guys’ speciality. I’ve had tons of problems of that kind with my exes and could-have-beens. You need to find someone who will give you a similar priority as you give him and who will need a similar frequency and length of contact. This is an important aspect of compatibility and possibly one often underestimated.

I agree I don’t think we’re compatible anymore regardless.

Don’t make it long or personal or dramatic. Just tell him you take it he isn’t interested in keeping further contact, so that’s fine, kind regards. Don’t play any head games. Seriously. You have better things to do with your time and I’d be very skeptical about chances for a healthy relationship in such a case.

I’ll keep my note short, sweet and to the point. I need to send something though for closure weather or not he reads it.

That’s classy of you, just don’t allow your etiquettal customs to fossilise. There are circumstances when it’s better to be flexible. In this case, you don’t need to phone him, though, nor should you. By the way, make sure that while following the rules, you give guys feedback - if a guy sees he’s not worth a smile or a word of acknowledgement or simply unable to cause it to happen, then he’s probably not going to be happy at all and possibly won’t have the motivation to keep pursuing.

I’ve called him lately but it seems like I’ve been initiating most of the communication in the last two weeks.

Make sure you’re respected - I’m getting some doubts there.

I feel like he hasn’t shown me the respect I deserve after dating him for a few months. I still haven’t heard a word from him and now I no longer care I’m ready to just move on. Especially as he couldn’t be bothered to be honest with me.

 

[Sierrah]

Now that sounds like a mature way to act in a relationship…

To the OP: If he’s acting a way that makes you uncertain, I would move on. It’s not worth it. There are plenty of other, good men out there.

Where? All I can find are the game players.

 

[kage_ar]

Not free to remarry - marriage that has not been reviewed by the Church - kids in the picture, this guy is not datable.

Find a nice unmarried Catholic guy who has no kids.

 

[chevalier]

I feel like he hasn’t shown me the respect I deserve after dating him for a few months. I still haven’t heard a word from him and now I no longer care I’m ready to just move on. Especially as he couldn’t be bothered to be honest with me.

You deserve that respect whether or not you date him for a couple of months. It’s basic courtesy to reply. All the more so is it rude to disappear without trace when you’ve grown to depend on each other.

However, there’s that thing I noticed only after writing my last post - his marital status. Nullity decree is not a given. Just because a guy’s marriage didn’t work out and he’s divorced doesn’t mean that his marriage was null from the beginning. Leave those guys alone - they are not datable until they’ve received their second nullity decree (and preferably not from a tribunal that has a 90% reversal rate in Rome). Second because decrees in favour of nullity are automatically appealed (with some exceptions), so they need to be reviewed and confirmed by a second tribunal. If the two tribunals disagree, the case goes to Rome. So the first decree doesn’t free a guy up, either.

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know “finding someone” is a pain of a process.

 

[BrokenFortress]

Where? All I can find are the game players.

Where are you meeting the men you meet? That could have something to do with the type of guy you’re finding.

If you’re having issues finding men who don’t respect you, there has to be a reason for that. Something in the guy that you find attractive (even if it isn’t rightly so) or a situation you put yourself in. I just think that if you have a history of bad relationships with men who don’t respect you or women in general, there has to be some sort of reason why you keep attracting these types of guys.

Do you not respect yourself so you go with any guy who shows interest? Are you happy with your life? I think you just need to get to the bottom of why you attract these types of guys.

If you’re having problems finding good men, I’d say take a step back for a bit and concentrate on your faith. Trust in God. He won’t let you down, trust me. Sometimes it’s when you’re not actively looking that God brings someone to you. Perhaps if you stop looking, you’ll stop attracting these men who don’t respect you, and then will come the time when God will give you a man who does respect you.

 

[Joe_5859]

Is it any wonder at all that so many people on these forums have problems finding dates.

There’s nothing wrong with some mind games every now and then, if you can’t take a bit of suspense early on, I wonder how you’re going to actually deal with the stresses of a married life after that.

So, how long have you been successfully married?