When did the crying room become the rumpus room?

[bernaboo123]

Oh, the cry room. How I hate it

Everyone is welcome at mass, even eight-month-olds. I’ve never been inside a cry room where anyone was trying to participate in mass. I have been inside cry room where like you said, kids are running around playing and eating, and the parents are talking together in full voices about their plans for the weekend.

If a cry room exists in a church, we’re likely to be given zero tolerance for teaching our children to behave in mass out in the real church. I don’t want my kids, even my toddlers to think that mass if for playtime (and I hope you agree). I want them to learn how to participate.

I also think that we should see every person, even the noisy children, as a part of us - part of the Body of Christ.

I never take my children to the cry room even if there is one available. My children are taught to behave in mass from a young age, but if they do act out, I take them outside of the church, and deal with them outside until they are calm enough to take back in.

So my advice to you is don’t sit in the cry room. Everyone deserves (and needs) to participate in mass, even your little daughter.

 

[warrior18]

Also; in the classrooms, activities such as bible storytime, coloring, or making advent wreaths out of playdough come to mind. I’m pretty sure we brought our “artwork” back to church with us - Though maybe not the wreaths. It was a long time ago - but fond memories, as well as sadness the first time my parents “deserted” me there.

If organized properly, Sunday School could be an alternative to cry rooms. My opinion - Cry rooms should be for [crying] babies, not toddlers.

 

[TC3033]

Oh, the cry room. How I hate it

Everyone is welcome at mass, even eight-month-olds. I’ve never been inside a cry room where anyone was trying to participate in mass. I have been inside cry room where like you said, kids are running around playing and eating, and the parents are talking together in full voices about their plans for the weekend.

If a cry room exists in a church, we’re likely to be given zero tolerance for teaching our children to behave in mass out in the real church. I don’t want my kids, even my toddlers to think that mass if for playtime (and I hope you agree). I want them to learn how to participate.

I also think that we should see every person, even the noisy children, as a part of us - part of the Body of Christ.

I never take my children to the cry room even if there is one available. My children are taught to behave in mass from a young age, but if they do act out, I take them outside of the church, and deal with them outside until they are calm enough to take back in.

So my advice to you is don’t sit in the cry room. Everyone deserves (and needs) to participate in mass, even your little daughter.

That can be a lot easier said than done. My 18month just won’t sit still, and I can’t make him. The only Mass that I’ve actually attended the whole way through in the past 6 months is when I took our older two while my wife stayed home with the youngest (they were both sick). He usually makes it 2-3min before he needs to be up and moving, from there I usually follow him around in the gathering space for the next 40 min.

For us, It’s gotten to the point that me and him don’t always go to church with the rest of the family. He just needs to get a little older and can handle sitting still. If it weren’t for the cry room/gathering space, I don’t knw if me and him would be going much at all.

 

[Xantippe]

For toddlers, they will never learn how to behave in church if you go weekly to a cry room.

That wasn’t my experience at all.

Our kids did time in the “rumpus room” but then we graduated to the main church. (It can be challenging to keep kids in the room, though.)

With our last child, the narthex in our local church was just too big–it invited constant dashing from one end of the huge narthex to the other–ALL through Mass. We eventually went to a parish with a smaller narthex and also a staffed nursery. Also, I have to mention that there’s a tendency for the narthex to turn into a “rumpus” room if there isn’t an official cry room.

A cry room needs to be available as an option, and nurseries when possible.

I served on our building committee for a new church since the day it started (over 10 years). In all our meetings with other pastors who had built churches, diocesan officials, and architects, of all stripes, everyone said the same thing:. Do Not put in a cry room!!! They all had the same reasoning I just gave, and expressed the same problem you gave in the OP.

I suspect that young parents were underrepresented in your group…

Sometimes people need what they need, and a new church with no kid facilities is a killer for young families. You know how many threads we have on CAF from young parents who are at their wits’ end with their kids’ behavior in Mass…

 

[JoshuaIsLord]

When did the crying room become the rumpus room?

When parents stop home training their children.

 

[JoshuaIsLord]

LOL there’s an urban legend/joke that goes around to the effect of giving kids cough syrup to make them sleep

Actually known some people that have done that…

 

[tafan2]

Raised 7 kids without a cry room. Took a little creativity at times. But I standby what I say. My brother is like you, he used to swear by them. And yes, we did have parents with young children on the committee, myself and one other person, plus our two architects, and our program manager. I would say young parents were over represented if anything.

I am sure they have worked out for you and iither parents who feel the same. But for most parents they are a crutch and delay a toddlers learning how to behave.

One priest said: a cry room is a means to make sure Catholic school kindergarten teachers earn their pay during school masses. .

 

[Xantippe]

Raised 7 kids without a cry room. T

I haven’t had that many kids, but I have probably been in as many Catholic churches as you, and quite likely way more–we’ve lived in big cities, made several long distance moves, and done many grandma visits. Our early experiences with old DC urban churches with no narthex at all (and certainly no cry room) were so dispiriting that we gave up on attending Mass together as a family and just split Masses for about 3 years. We once got hissed at by two different ladies at a single Mass where we made the mistake of sitting up front–a lot of people’s advice for dealing with small children–with our chatty 18 month old. That church had no narthex–the only place to go was literally outside. And I know people take kids outside–but if I’d followed that advice at that church, I’d have been outside the whole time–and in what respect is that “going to Mass” for me if I’m not even in the blooming building?

When we moved to TX to a parish with a cry room, it opened up a beautiful new world to us. Yeah, there were toys, playing, and Cheerios–but we parents were actually paying attention and largely following along. Or at least a lot better than a person could outside the building. And we were able to move our oldest to the main church within the year, and then our younger child came along at the same time (despite being only 3). We moved parishes and our youngest was still a terror at 4, but she’s pretty good in church at 5 after going to the nursery a lot from 18 months to 4. Two of my kids are on the autism spectrum.

And I have to say, my two oldest kids (the ones who skipped Mass as toddlers and then went to the cry room) are perfect at Mass at 15 and 13.

People talk as though if you do something with little kids, it’s always going to be like that, but there are developmental stages, and it is genuinely different at different ages–the kid who is in diapers at 2 isn’t necessarily going to be in diapers at 7. As long as parents keep nudging in the right direction, normal kids will make progress.

I’d also say, don’t look at how it’s working for people who go to church architecture meetings–look at how it’s working for parents who have trouble with their kids.

Another unrelated remark–pews are good with little kids. Individual chairs (and especially creaky folding chairs) are BAD.

 

[Xantippe]

I was worried that our youngest was going to resent her expulsion from the nursery (age limit 4), but she hasn’t mentioned it for a long time. (It probably helps that we usually don’t go to that parish for the morning Mass when the nursery is available.) During her nursery years, she would beg for it (even when we were going to a different parish).

Again, kids get bigger–if they are basically normal kids and you keep parenting, they will eventually do what they need to do.

 

[tafan2]

Fair enough. As to listening to parents, we have lots of young families in our parish. Since the new church has been dedicated a couple of years ago I have had to answer every question imaginable about why we did this or did that. I do not recall any parent even once asking about where the cry room is.

 

[JanetF]

My 18month just won’t sit still, and I can’t make him.

And, I don’t think any parent would reasonably expect an 18-month old to sit still. You are in the trickiest stage, IME. Once he becomes interested in books and learns to play more quietly, you’ll find it easier…and that likely won’t be much longer. Does your church provide bags for the kids that have quiet playing toys in them? Our parish does and these are great because they are toys that the kiddos aren’t used to having on a regular basis. If your parish doesn’t have these, once your little one gets a little older, you can create your own church bag that includes coloring books/crayons, reading books (perhaps bible related) and other things to keep his occupied in the pew. I don’t think it’s inappropriate to take toys in with little ones that will keep them occupied. Just go with things that don’t make a lot of noise.

IIRCC, the 18mo-2 year stage is when I took my kiddo to mass when she was sleepy and she would nap (so saturday vigil). I also live very close to our church, so we would often walk, or RUN as the case was often to burn up some energy.

The only thing I personally don’t like to see is kids with food in church. It’s just too messy and sometimes parents don’t realize that kiddo have spilled and it’s made a bigger mess than they realize (I’m not talking about infants). Most kiddos can go an hour without a snack.

 

[TC3033]

Ya, we do the whole church bag thing with small toys, books, etc…

That just doesn’t work for him, he’s busy and needs to be up moving around. It is what it is, I just get up walk with him when I go. I’m going with less and less lately though. It’s kind of pointless for the two of us to go if I’m just going to be following him around the gathering space, handicapped ramp and church basement for an hour.

 

[PetraG]

Ya, we do the whole church bag thing with small toys, books, etc…

That just doesn’t work for him, he’s busy and needs to be up moving around. It is what it is, I just get up walk with him when I go. I’m going with less and less lately though. It’s kind of pointless for the two of us to go if I’m just going to be following him around the gathering space, handicapped ramp and church basement for an hour.

There is a reason that there is no obligation for the members of the bapitzed who are not yet at the age of reason and self-mastery. We decided it would be better to give our children a “leave of absence” and then reintroduce Mass later when they had it in them to sit reasonably still in other situations.

To clarify, too: small children do not usually “sit still.” When I say my children were old enough to “sit still” at Mass, I mean still enough to not be a distraction to people nearby, not literally sitting with their hands in their laps!! My husband had a higher standard for “sit still” than I did. I thought his version might make Mass an impossible task for our children, and that went into the decision to wait until they were old enough to succeed.

I think that is a big consideration: a parent has to make Mass something their child can “succeed” at. A child who comes to see Mass as something they perpetually fail at doing right is not going to develop a love for the Mass. They’re going to learn to dread it. That is not good and not an easy impression to un-do.

 

[anikins]

You’ve lost the battle before you even started.

Welcome to the crying room.

 

[Clementine14]

To clarify, too: small children do not usually “sit still.” When I say my children were old enough to “sit still” at Mass, I mean still enough to not be a distraction to people nearby, not literally sitting with their hands in their laps!!

This is a good point. I meant the same thing- my son might wiggle a bit, or climb over me to get to his dad, or stand up on the kneeler and sit down a few times. But, he is not running around the aisles, bumping into other people, or generally being very distracting.

I don’t think anyone really expects small children to sit completely still for any length of time. But- I don’t think anyone should let their kids behave differently in the crying room than they would in the main part of the church. If you wouldn’t let your kids run around chasing each other, yelling, spilling food and being disruptive in the main church, don’t let them do it in the crying room. It’s a room meant for people whose kids need it, who might need to move around a little more or will occasionally have outbursts. But it’s still Mass, not a playground.

 

[HolySpirit]

I wasn’t aware that “rumpus” was an actual word.

I guess you learn something new every day.

 

[Joe_5859]

I find it best to exercise patience and charity with regards to other’s parenting decisions—which includes where they sit at Mass.

Me, personally? I don’t like cry rooms. They can be isolating and make it easy to feel like you’re not even at Mass. I think parents should feel comfortable bringing even squirmy little ones into the main body of the Church. I think getting accustomed to the cry room can make it more difficult to train a child to behave properly.

Where do I sit when I go to Mass on Sundays? The cry room. I have a 9 year old non-verbal son with autism who quite literally cannot sit still for ten seconds consecutively.

Thank you, Lord, for lessons in humility.

We didn’t always use the cry room. Mass was easier when he was 2, 3, 4, 5 than it is now. Back then, I could hold him the entire time and he would be content. Now he’s a bit too heavy and strong for that.

If my parish didn’t have a cry room, I honestly don’t know how we’d handle it. In the cry room, my wife and I can corral him in and it works pretty well.

I’ve certainly seen families in the cry room that don’t seem like they need to be there. Families with only older kids who seem to be behaving just fine. I’ve seen elderly people sit in the cry room perhaps because it’s closer to the door (one confessed it was because she was sick and didn’t want to contaminate the rest of the Church). But, frankly, I’m too busy watching my son and worshipping God to be bothered by who else is there or why. I’ll just assume they are there for a good reason and move on with my day.

 

[JanetF]

Ya, we do the whole church bag thing with small toys, books, etc…

That just doesn’t work for him, he’s busy and needs to be up moving around. It is what it is, I just get up walk with him when I go. I’m going with less and less lately though. It’s kind of pointless for the two of us to go if I’m just going to be following him around the gathering space, handicapped ramp and church basement for an hour.

There were many times when my husband and I played tag team and didn’t attend mass together so that we could each go and “get something out of it”. Different stages of child development call for different strategies of parenting. Best of luck to you!

 

[Edward_H]

It’s the rule of “power of the low performer”.

The low performer has the greatest influence on a group of people. Not the stellar behavior.

Parenting is an art, requiring great attentiveness and sacrifice.

Sadly, many parents drop their pack in crying rooms.

 

[pnewton]

When you take a misbehaving child out to another special room, call it nursery or cry room, filled with toys it becomes a reward for misbehaving.

And that is something I got from day one. For me, a cry room was only a place to cry. If we went there, anything, even if it was just a book, was taken away from the kid. The cry room became the last place they wanted to go.