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pianistclare
Guest
So true, we all feel like you are part of our family…we’re all praying for you. :grouphug:
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Contra_Mundum_1
Guest
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Marysann
Guest
Dear Kendra, please be assured of my prayers. It is very difficult not to have anyone close to discuss your problems with, but you can always talk to your friends here at CAF.
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tigerprowl
Guest
I read this thread and OP - I really feel for you. Wow.
I really, really hope and pray that everything turns out for the best. I was 27 when my wife just up and left me - it didn’t turn out well for me (not to be discouraging - not my intent), but I picked up, moved on, met someone else, and remarried in 2007.
It sounds like you’re responding to this with a very level head. That’s awesome! Sending prayers.
I really, really hope and pray that everything turns out for the best. I was 27 when my wife just up and left me - it didn’t turn out well for me (not to be discouraging - not my intent), but I picked up, moved on, met someone else, and remarried in 2007.
It sounds like you’re responding to this with a very level head. That’s awesome! Sending prayers.
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Kal2012
Guest
Exactly - every time I log on to CAF I have to find out how OP is doing in this situation.
It’s so amazing to see everyone’s posts and how much love and concern they show.
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Convert_in_99
Guest
Still thinking of you! :console:
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HouseArrest
Guest
I am praying for you, too.
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KendraDZ1902
Guest
I’m truly thankful for all of the prayers. Y’all are the best!
K
KendraDZ1902
Guest
Update
He called. Well, he text first something like: I heard you were trying to get in touch with me. What is going on. We can talk, just don’t want to argue.
I told him that he apparently can’t read his texts and that he needs to call me.
I told him that he needs to figure out what he wanted because school will be different married vs divorced. That shocked him. It also shocked him that I was firm. ( I’m never firm with him) He played the ignorant card and I let him know that I could forward the chaplain the texts of me trying to get in touch with him. I realized I was on speaker phone and told him that I still don’t know where he is or my things are. He said he would Western Union me some money" I asked, “why? You don’t need to do that. We have a joint checking account that you keep taking money out of.” That made him quiet, again.
He said that he has been “at a standstill.” That made me mad. I told him that if I told someone that I didn’t want anything to do with them, divorce papers would be served in the next day or so. That I would take him back, but there would be lots of counseling because you don’t Skype daily during a deployment, make plans for the future, and 2 days later decide you are unhappy and don’t want to fix it. I said, “that sh!t ain’t normal, counseling is needed.” He said that he was, “still unhappy.” I said, " well, figure out what it is and get the ball rolling. It’s in your court. I don’t believe in divorce and I’m not going to be the one who has to answer for divorcing for no reason." He started stuttering then. Which is very shocking. He isn’t the type to get tongue tied.
He said he was going to call me back since he was at work. I was a smart aleck and asked if it was going to be in another 3 weeks. He said it would be “soon.” Whatever that means.
Oh, I also told him that this isn’t a high school or college break up where I take my things and leave. That this will take months and I am at least entitled to half of everything, including the money he keeps transferring to that other account. He stuttered on that one too. Honestly, I don’t know if he was just enjoying his freedom these few weeks or if he still didn’t know if he wanted divorce. I wasn’t a push over during the conversation, which he didn’t like. I probably just threw my marriage under the bus. C’est la vie.
He called. Well, he text first something like: I heard you were trying to get in touch with me. What is going on. We can talk, just don’t want to argue.
I told him that he apparently can’t read his texts and that he needs to call me.
I told him that he needs to figure out what he wanted because school will be different married vs divorced. That shocked him. It also shocked him that I was firm. ( I’m never firm with him) He played the ignorant card and I let him know that I could forward the chaplain the texts of me trying to get in touch with him. I realized I was on speaker phone and told him that I still don’t know where he is or my things are. He said he would Western Union me some money" I asked, “why? You don’t need to do that. We have a joint checking account that you keep taking money out of.” That made him quiet, again.
He said that he has been “at a standstill.” That made me mad. I told him that if I told someone that I didn’t want anything to do with them, divorce papers would be served in the next day or so. That I would take him back, but there would be lots of counseling because you don’t Skype daily during a deployment, make plans for the future, and 2 days later decide you are unhappy and don’t want to fix it. I said, “that sh!t ain’t normal, counseling is needed.” He said that he was, “still unhappy.” I said, " well, figure out what it is and get the ball rolling. It’s in your court. I don’t believe in divorce and I’m not going to be the one who has to answer for divorcing for no reason." He started stuttering then. Which is very shocking. He isn’t the type to get tongue tied.
He said he was going to call me back since he was at work. I was a smart aleck and asked if it was going to be in another 3 weeks. He said it would be “soon.” Whatever that means.
Oh, I also told him that this isn’t a high school or college break up where I take my things and leave. That this will take months and I am at least entitled to half of everything, including the money he keeps transferring to that other account. He stuttered on that one too. Honestly, I don’t know if he was just enjoying his freedom these few weeks or if he still didn’t know if he wanted divorce. I wasn’t a push over during the conversation, which he didn’t like. I probably just threw my marriage under the bus. C’est la vie.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Dang Girl! You handled that like a boss!Update
He called. Well, he text first something like: I heard you were trying to get in touch with me. What is going on. We can talk, just don’t want to argue.
I told him that he apparently can’t read his texts and that he needs to call me.
I told him that he needs to figure out what he wanted because school will be different married vs divorced. That shocked him. It also shocked him that I was firm. ( I’m never firm with him) He played the ignorant card and I let him know that I could forward the chaplain the texts of me trying to get in touch with him. I realized I was on speaker phone and told him that I still don’t know where he is or my things are. He said he would Western Union me some money" I asked, “why? You don’t need to do that. We have a joint checking account that you keep taking money out of.” That made him quiet, again.
He said that he has been “at a standstill.” That made me mad. I told him that if I told someone that I didn’t want anything to do with them, divorce papers would be served in the next day or so. That I would take him back, but there would be lots of counseling because you don’t Skype daily during a deployment, make plans for the future, and 2 days later decide you are unhappy and don’t want to fix it. I said, “that sh!t ain’t normal, counseling is needed.” He said that he was, “still unhappy.” I said, " well, figure out what it is and get the ball rolling. It’s in your court. I don’t believe in divorce and I’m not going to be the one who has to answer for divorcing for no reason." He started stuttering then. Which is very shocking. He isn’t the type to get tongue tied.
He said he was going to call me back since he was at work. I was a smart aleck and asked if it was going to be in another 3 weeks. He said it would be “soon.” Whatever that means.
Oh, I also told him that this isn’t a high school or college break up where I take my things and leave. That this will take months and I am at least entitled to half of everything, including the money he keeps transferring to that other account. He stuttered on that one too. Honestly, I don’t know if he was just enjoying his freedom these few weeks or if he still didn’t know if he wanted divorce. I wasn’t a push over during the conversation, which he didn’t like. I probably just threw my marriage under the bus. C’est la vie.
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OraLabora
Guest
Maybe not. Tough love sometimes works. You are in my prayers. I think you did/said what had to be done/said in clear and unmistakable terms.
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KendraDZ1902
Guest
Now I know why he was so quiet. Chaplain just called. He had a meeting with the Chaplain and “entire chain of command” that’s what the chaplain said. This meeting was on Friday. Chaplain said that he and the command told him that he can’t go days without being in touch with me. 
Chaplain wanted to know when he called. I told him today while he was at work. Well, his command probably made him call me, since he was told to Friday and failed to do so.
Oh he is probably furious with me.
the Chaplain said that if he doesn’t keep in touch with me that I “shouldn’t hesitate to call me (chaplain) back.”
Chaplain wanted to know when he called. I told him today while he was at work. Well, his command probably made him call me, since he was told to Friday and failed to do so.
Oh he is probably furious with me.
the Chaplain said that if he doesn’t keep in touch with me that I “shouldn’t hesitate to call me (chaplain) back.”
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KnitNut
Guest
Have you discussed your options with your attorney? (And sometimes friends who are attorneys are willing to help, but may not be guiding you in this process. Just sayin’.) He obviously was spoken to by command…but it sounds like he’s just trying to do the bare minimum to keep them off his back. “Did you call your wife?” “Yup.” “Okay.” Like I said, they are not on your side - they just want to protect their asset, since they own him. Sorry to be blunt about that, but it’s how it works.
Have you talked with a counselor? It will help for you to figure out what you want (beyond the obvious “for things to be fine”). You need to determine your own priorities, goals, limits, etc. You really need to have a plan, and a list of needs for dealing with him. Counseling is fine…but how are you going to manage that if you are in separate towns/states? Your attorney should be helping you formulate both a plan for reconciliation that protects you, and a plan for separation that protects you. Once you have your underlying framework, only then can you start filling in things like “marriage counseling”. For example - money. You need some sort of protection on this! It’s a joint asset, but apparently he is treating it as his solely - a separation agreement or separation order from the court can protect you! And a sep order does NOT guarantee that things move to divorce, it merely establishes the framework of living apart. Your attorney should be advising you on this…particularly as things vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Really, Kendra…it’s nice that he called, but don’t be waiting on him to “be the man and lead the family”. He’s having a personal breakdown. You are protecting your marriage by protecting yourself. Seriously.
I would update the chaplain - let him know that he called, that there is no resolution (he is siphoning/hiding money, still hasn’t agreed to give you access to possessions, etc). He may know of a mediation service he can refer you to…but let him know (politely and professionally) that the matter is far from settled, and that you may need to take legal action against your husband. The military hates instability like this…and they will continue to pressure him to resolve this so he can perform better for them (or get cut loose, if he’s being a dork). Do you have the resources to hire a PI? Also, if you file legal action (divorce, separation if your jurisdiction recognizes it), you will be entitled to discovery…which means identifying his hidden bank account(s), seeing bank records to determine spending (and if he’s spending it on a mistress, etc), phone records, etc…and you can also submit questions he is required to answer under oath. Powerful tools. Talk to your attorney. And remember that you can withdraw a filing at any time - it doesn’t make a divorce automatic.
***ETA - at this point, a letter to command (yes, “all the way up”) from your attorney would certainly move this along, at least in terms of getting access to your stuff, and getting some answers re money, etc. Command will compel his cooperation and compliance. Again, not “fight for you”…but they won’t let him ignore your requests for access to personal and joint assets, access to his location (medical billing purposes, service of documents, etc). And command will be interested in results from any discovery related to military misconduct. So…another reason to be firm on this.
Have you talked with a counselor? It will help for you to figure out what you want (beyond the obvious “for things to be fine”). You need to determine your own priorities, goals, limits, etc. You really need to have a plan, and a list of needs for dealing with him. Counseling is fine…but how are you going to manage that if you are in separate towns/states? Your attorney should be helping you formulate both a plan for reconciliation that protects you, and a plan for separation that protects you. Once you have your underlying framework, only then can you start filling in things like “marriage counseling”. For example - money. You need some sort of protection on this! It’s a joint asset, but apparently he is treating it as his solely - a separation agreement or separation order from the court can protect you! And a sep order does NOT guarantee that things move to divorce, it merely establishes the framework of living apart. Your attorney should be advising you on this…particularly as things vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Really, Kendra…it’s nice that he called, but don’t be waiting on him to “be the man and lead the family”. He’s having a personal breakdown. You are protecting your marriage by protecting yourself. Seriously.
I would update the chaplain - let him know that he called, that there is no resolution (he is siphoning/hiding money, still hasn’t agreed to give you access to possessions, etc). He may know of a mediation service he can refer you to…but let him know (politely and professionally) that the matter is far from settled, and that you may need to take legal action against your husband. The military hates instability like this…and they will continue to pressure him to resolve this so he can perform better for them (or get cut loose, if he’s being a dork). Do you have the resources to hire a PI? Also, if you file legal action (divorce, separation if your jurisdiction recognizes it), you will be entitled to discovery…which means identifying his hidden bank account(s), seeing bank records to determine spending (and if he’s spending it on a mistress, etc), phone records, etc…and you can also submit questions he is required to answer under oath. Powerful tools. Talk to your attorney. And remember that you can withdraw a filing at any time - it doesn’t make a divorce automatic.
***ETA - at this point, a letter to command (yes, “all the way up”) from your attorney would certainly move this along, at least in terms of getting access to your stuff, and getting some answers re money, etc. Command will compel his cooperation and compliance. Again, not “fight for you”…but they won’t let him ignore your requests for access to personal and joint assets, access to his location (medical billing purposes, service of documents, etc). And command will be interested in results from any discovery related to military misconduct. So…another reason to be firm on this.
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pianistclare
Guest
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oldgraymare2
Guest
Hi Kendra,
Thanks for keeping us updated as to what has been happening. I am so very sorry for all of the stress that this must be putting on you.
Continuing to pray for you, dear one.
((Hugs))
Thanks for keeping us updated as to what has been happening. I am so very sorry for all of the stress that this must be putting on you.
Continuing to pray for you, dear one.
((Hugs))
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pianistclare
Guest
He can be mad at himself. Every bit of this is his doing. I imagine they will push him in at least moving forward in an appropriate manner.Now I know why he was so quiet. Chaplain just called. He had a meeting with the Chaplain and “entire chain of command” that’s what the chaplain said. This meeting was on Friday. Chaplain said that he and the command told him that he can’t go days without being in touch with me.
Chaplain wanted to know when he called. I told him today while he was at work. Well, his command probably made him call me, since he was told to Friday and failed to do so.
Oh he is probably furious with me.
the Chaplain said that if he doesn’t keep in touch with me that I “shouldn’t hesitate to call me (chaplain) back.”
You’re in our prayers dear!
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PolarGuy
Guest
I think you handled yourself better than I ever could have, Kendra
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Rau
Guest
Why did he use a Speakerphone do you think? Hardly the conversation I’d want overheard!
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KendraDZ1902
Guest
I’m not quite sure. Idk if his command wanted to make sure he was actually speaking with me. Since he did call while at work. That is typically a no-no. Especially since he was told to contact me Friday and hadn’t.
The phone just kind of echoed and his mouth seemed far away from the phone.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
sigh
Is it terrible of me that I suddenly have a vision of him sitting in a conference room with Gibbs standing over him and waiting to give him the appropriate head-slap?
Or that this mental picture is making me grin ear-to-ear in a positively nasty fashion?
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