Where to go from here?

[KendraDZ1902]

sigh

Is it terrible of me that I suddenly have a vision of him sitting in a conference room with Gibbs standing over him and waiting to give him the appropriate head-slap?

Or that this mental picture is making me grin ear-to-ear in a positively nasty fashion?

No it isn’t terrible at all! When the Chaplain called and said his entire chain of command was sitting in on this meeting Friday, I couldn’t wait to get off the phone to laugh. He has great military bearing, he is great during boards, but he has never had something like this happen. If I could have just seen his face during that meeting.

Gibbs needs to get the memo to head to NAS Jax! Lol.

 

[Kelfa28]

Update

He called. Well, he text first something like: I heard you were trying to get in touch with me. What is going on. We can talk, just don’t want to argue.



I told him that he apparently can’t read his texts and that he needs to call me.
I told him that he needs to figure out what he wanted because school will be different married vs divorced. That shocked him. It also shocked him that I was firm. ( I’m never firm with him) He played the ignorant card and I let him know that I could forward the chaplain the texts of me trying to get in touch with him. I realized I was on speaker phone and told him that I still don’t know where he is or my things are. He said he would Western Union me some money" I asked, “why? You don’t need to do that. We have a joint checking account that you keep taking money out of.” That made him quiet, again.
He said that he has been “at a standstill.” That made me mad. I told him that if I told someone that I didn’t want anything to do with them, divorce papers would be served in the next day or so. That I would take him back, but there would be lots of counseling because you don’t Skype daily during a deployment, make plans for the future, and 2 days later decide you are unhappy and don’t want to fix it. I said, “that sh!t ain’t normal, counseling is needed.” He said that he was, “still unhappy.” I said, " well, figure out what it is and get the ball rolling. It’s in your court. I don’t believe in divorce and I’m not going to be the one who has to answer for divorcing for no reason." He started stuttering then. Which is very shocking. He isn’t the type to get tongue tied.

He said he was going to call me back since he was at work. I was a smart aleck and asked if it was going to be in another 3 weeks. He said it would be “soon.” Whatever that means.

Oh, I also told him that this isn’t a high school or college break up where I take my things and leave. That this will take months and I am at least entitled to half of everything, including the money he keeps transferring to that other account. He stuttered on that one too. Honestly, I don’t know if he was just enjoying his freedom these few weeks or if he still didn’t know if he wanted divorce. I wasn’t a push over during the conversation, which he didn’t like. I probably just threw my marriage under the bus. C’est la vie.

Good job here.

Stay firm and do not be a push over. Especially when it comes to your stuff and your finances. He needs to STOP pulling money out of a joint account without your knowledge or consent and without any control on your part…especially if he is the bread winner.

I was confused about the speaker phone thing too. But it’s clear that he was sitting in front of his immediate supervisor and possibly the officer in charge of his unit while they made sure he got on the phone with you.

I know this is really hard but you cannot nice him back. He needs consequences for his actions. He cannot act this way toward his wife. He cannot abandon you.

Keep things moving with your lawyer. She needs to stay involved with everything. Keep his chain of command updated.
Stress that you aren’t just looking for attention from your husband. You are seriously concerned that he is hiding money from you, moving money around without your knowledge or consent and keeping your stuff away from you.

Print out the transaction history from your joint account and present it to your attorney and ask if she could send it to the chain of command or ask the chaplain if he would like it.

Keep a journal of the times he calls, the times he doesn’t call. The transaction history in your joint account.
Also, I agree with KnitNut. I would seriously consider putting paperwork together to start a separation…even if it’s just a trial sep.

He’s acting like he’s separated. At least with a legal separation…you are entitled to funds and spousal support. It’s on paper at that point.
It’s not a divorce but it protects you in the long run. It will stop him from hiding money.

Remember that you are obligated 50% of the marital funds. There is nothing stopping you from opening your own account and pulling half of the checking and savings and moving it on your own.

 

[Kelfa28]

And lots of prayers for you!

In another year, I will be out of the military and officially a military wife only. As much as I respect our troops and understand what our troops go through (I’m one of them!), I also know how hard it is on wives. So this frustrates me that much more.

About 2 years ago I was a stay at home mom and wife. My husband was on full time orders. In another year I will be in the exact same position again…with the exception of a class or two so I can stay on track.
It’s rough on us wives. Hang in there.

 

[Rau]

Good job here.

Stay firm and do not be a push over. Especially when it comes to your stuff and your finances. He needs to STOP pulling money out of a joint account without your knowledge or consent and without any control on your part…especially if he is the bread winner.

I was confused about the speaker phone thing too. But it’s clear that he was sitting in front of his immediate supervisor and possibly the officer in charge of his unit while they made sure he got on the phone with you.

I know this is really hard but you cannot nice him back. He needs consequences for his actions. He cannot act this way toward his wife. He cannot abandon you.

Keep things moving with your lawyer. She needs to stay involved with everything. Keep his chain of command updated.
Stress that you aren’t just looking for attention from your husband. You are seriously concerned that he is hiding money from you, moving money around without your knowledge or consent and keeping your stuff away from you.

Print out the transaction history from your joint account and present it to your attorney and ask if she could send it to the chain of command or ask the chaplain if he would like it.

Keep a journal of the times he calls, the times he doesn’t call. The transaction history in your joint account.
Also, I agree with KnitNut. I would seriously consider putting paperwork together to start a separation…even if it’s just a trial sep.

He’s acting like he’s separated. At least with a legal separation…you are entitled to funds and spousal support. It’s on paper at that point.
It’s not a divorce but it protects you in the long run. It will stop him from hiding money.

Remember that you are obligated 50% of the marital funds. There is nothing stopping you from opening your own account and pulling half of the checking and savings and moving it on your own.

Record keeping of events, conversations, observations etc. is important should any subsequent mediation or worse arise.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Got my civil summons today. I try not to take my anxiety medicine unless I NEED it ( totally afraid of addiction) I’ve taken it and I can’t stop shaking. Like, my whole body is just trembling.

 

[pianistclare]

Got my civil summons today. I try not to take my anxiety medicine unless I NEED it ( totally afraid of addiction) I’ve taken it and I can’t stop shaking. Like, my whole body is just trembling.

Praying hard for you.
St. Anne, pray for us.
All holy men and women, pray for us!

 

[Irishmom2]

Kendra, you deserve so much better than this. Please know we are all here for you. :hug1:
Sometimes, things happen and we really can’t understand why. But God knows why.

Please take care of yourself by going into defense mode. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. And do not neglect your health. If it means getting counseling, or extra counseling, just do it. Stay on top of it right from the start and don’t wait until you a feeling out of sorts.

Ask God to wrap his arms around you and keep you safe in his care.
Remember that you are not alone, some one of us is almost always online I think.:grouphug:

 

[Rau]

Got my civil summons today. I try not to take my anxiety medicine unless I NEED it ( totally afraid of addiction) I’ve taken it and I can’t stop shaking. Like, my whole body is just trembling.

I assume this means he is initiating divorce proceedings? Does US law not require a period of separation?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I assume this means he is initiating divorce proceedings? Does US law not require a period of separation?

It doesn’t it in the state of Alabama. The papers state we lived as husband and wife until around Feb 17 and these papers were filed on the 26th. I got them in the mail today.

 

[pianistclare]

It doesn’t it in the state of Alabama. The papers state we lived as husband and wife until around Feb 17 and these papers were filed on the 26th. I got them in the mail today.

So he filed papers but failed to tell you until confronted last Friday?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Praying hard for you.
St. Anne, pray for us.
All holy men and women, pray for us!

Kendra, you deserve so much better than this. Please know we are all here for you. :hug1:
Sometimes, things happen and we really can’t understand why. But God knows why.

Please take care of yourself by going into defense mode. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. And do not neglect your health. If it means getting counseling, or extra counseling, just do it. Stay on top of it right from the start and don’t wait until you a feeling out of sorts.

Ask God to wrap his arms around you and keep you safe in his care.
Remember that you are not alone, some one of us is almost always online I think.:grouphug:

Thanks, y’all.
:grouphug:

 

[KendraDZ1902]

So he filed papers but failed to tell you until confronted last Friday?

He didn’t tell me Friday. I can’t remember verbatim, but it seemed as though he hadn’t done anything. He just told me that he has been “at a standstill” and I told him to hurry up and figure it out. Apparently he is a liar among other things.

 

[Irishmom2]

It doesn’t it in the state of Alabama. The papers state we lived as husband and wife until around Feb 17 and these papers were filed on the 26th. I got them in the mail today.

So this must have been a plan already before he even got home? You didn’t even get to see him and he does this? What if you hadn’t called the chaplain, he would have just sent this to you and totally blindsided you?

I don’t think much of him.

 

[pianistclare]

He didn’t tell me Friday. I can’t remember verbatim, but it seemed as though he hadn’t done anything. He just told me that he has been “at a standstill” and I told him to hurry up and figure it out. Apparently he is a liar among other things.

Standstill must refer to you not getting the papers yet. Looks like he had no intention of speaking to you at all. “just go away and make his life easy?”
ummmm, nope.
Not going to happen that way.
Hope it doesn’t get really ugly, am promising your prayers.

 

[LongingSoul]

He didn’t tell me Friday. I can’t remember verbatim, but it seemed as though he hadn’t done anything. He just told me that he has been “at a standstill” and I told him to hurry up and figure it out. Apparently he is a liar among other things.

Wow, what a deceitful manipulator. He’s obviously known for a fair while that he wanted to get home and file for divorce, but deliberately led you to believe all was ok. Why? He is nothing but a heartless manipulator seeking out his own best ends. You’ll be well rid of such a character.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Mom has said that when I went to the behavioral health hospital last March, he said that “he couldn’t do this.” Mom said that she just thought that he was just terribly upset that his wife was being admitted. Well, now looking back, mom said that he may have had this planned since before the deployment. I just don’t understand why he skyped me daily, unless he couldn’t and I would still get a text. We had open communication this whole time.
He’s spineless. Oh and his reasoning per the papers is “incompatibility of temperament”

 

[pianistclare]

Mom has said that when I went to the behavioral health hospital last March, he said that “he couldn’t do this.” Mom said that she just thought that he was just terribly upset that his wife was being admitted. Well, now looking back, mom said that he may have had this planned since before the deployment. I just don’t understand why he skyped me daily, unless he couldn’t and I would still get a text. We had open communication this whole time.
He’s spineless. Oh and his reasoning per the papers is “incompatibility of temperament”

I’ll bet. He didn’t want to stand by his wife in sickness and in health.

 

[Xantippe]

Mom has said that when I went to the behavioral health hospital last March, he said that “he couldn’t do this.” Mom said that she just thought that he was just terribly upset that his wife was being admitted. Well, now looking back, mom said that he may have had this planned since before the deployment. I just don’t understand why he skyped me daily, unless he couldn’t and I would still get a text. We had open communication this whole time.
He’s spineless. Oh and his reasoning per the papers is “incompatibility of temperament”

I’m so sorry.

 

[kevlarkyogre]

I have said a prayer for you, I hope things sort themselves out soon, seems like you have a lot of people giving you good advice and caring for you on here anyway

God bless

 

[Irishmom2]

I’ll bet. He didn’t want to stand by his wife in sickness and in health.

It does sound like that if that is what he said to mom. He is selfish and spineless. And not a true husband.