Where to go from here?

  • Thread starter Thread starter KendraDZ1902
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I am so sorry for your pain, Kendra.

Don’t worry about an annulment yet. Just take it one day at a time, take the advice of your lawyer and your priest, and contact a Canon Lawyer once your divorce is final. I’m sure your intentions were in line with Church teachings on marriage, but it looks like your STBX husbands weren’t or he was for some reason incapable. Once the dust settles, work with a Canon Lawyer and trust in God.

Please take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating and drinking the proper amounts daily. Even if you don’t feel like it. Go for walks, jogs, runs, whatever you like. Keep busy with cleaning, cooking, any hobbies that involve movement and keep your mind occupied. If you can, try to get together with a friend or two and go do something to pamper yourself. Maybe a spa day? Buy a new outfit?Shoes? Have your hair cut and styled? Get that awesome tool at Home Depot you’ve been wanting…whatever floats your boat, do it! You could even spend some time volunteering at an animal shelter or a senior center or a women’s shelter. That feeling of doing good works is a great spirit lifter.

:hug1:
 
Rau said:
One wonders how your in-laws are interpreting these developments.
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Considering he’s in Florida and this attorney is in Birmingham (where they live) I’m sure someone is helping him. I think that’s why mama was at homecoming and I wasn’t.
He’s the baby of the family, only boy, and mama gives him whatever he wants.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Hey Kendra, just saying hi. Hope you are hanging in there! :hug3:
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Hi! Yes, I’m still hanging on. It seems it may get a bit ugly with him hiding funds. I’m contacting his CO tomorrow to let him know that hubby will not give me funds to survive on and to remind Mr. Commander that this is against UCMJ. My attorney told me to. It is insane that he wants this divorce, yet doesn’t want it the easy way. oh well.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Hi! Yes, I’m still hanging on. It seems it may get a bit ugly with him hiding funds. I’m contacting his CO tomorrow to let him know that hubby will not give me funds to survive on and to remind Mr. Commander that this is against UCMJ. My attorney told me to. It is insane that he wants this divorce, yet doesn’t want it the easy way. oh well.
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As long as you stay calm, any “allegations” on his part will be viewed in a dim light.
You stay strong, we’re all praying for you!
Clare
 
pianistclare said:
As long as you stay calm, any “allegations” on his part will be viewed in a dim light.
You stay strong, we’re all praying for you!
Clare
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Yeah. I’m assuming he’s going with the “She’s CRAZY!” strategy in dealing with his command, so just be calm, be firm, and insist on your rights.

Good luck!
 
Why isn’t your lawyer calling? She represents you. She has the legal authority to make these communications…and she carries much more weight. Seriously. Stay above the fray.

Also, your lawyer should be doing discovery. Is he pulling money out of the joint account? How? You are entitled to copies of his pay statements, which will show if he has redirected anything pre-deposit via allotments (payments on cars, deposits to other savings/checking/investment accounts). Your attorney should be demanding these as part of discovery. All financials need to be turned over, right down to insurance policies & safe deposit boxes. Has your attorney sent his attorney interrogatories? He has to answer those under oath. You can also depose him - your attorney can ask him questions under oath, that he will have to answer…

ETA - have you filed a request for separation orders? You should be able to get a monthly support payment, use of a vehicle, etc, during the pretrial period. The court should have issued freezes on sale of goods, etc, also…where are you in the process? You don’t want him busting up your heirloom milk glass without consequences…
 
I just read through this and don’t really have any advice, but I’ll keep you in my prayers. Don’t look back at what you could have done instead of marrying him; look forward to what you can do now.
 
KnitNut said:
Why isn’t your lawyer calling? She represents you. She has the legal authority to make these communications…and she carries much more weight. Seriously. Stay above the fray.

Also, your lawyer should be doing discovery. Is he pulling money out of the joint account? How? You are entitled to copies of his pay statements, which will show if he has redirected anything pre-deposit via allotments (payments on cars, deposits to other savings/checking/investment accounts). Your attorney should be demanding these as part of discovery. All financials need to be turned over, right down to insurance policies & safe deposit boxes. Has your attorney sent his attorney interrogatories? He has to answer those under oath. You can also depose him - your attorney can ask him questions under oath, that he will have to answer…

ETA - have you filed a request for separation orders? You should be able to get a monthly support payment, use of a vehicle, etc, during the pretrial period. The court should have issued freezes on sale of goods, etc, also…where are you in the process? You don’t want him busting up your heirloom milk glass without consequences…
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My lawyer is a civilian. Not taught UCMJ in law school. Lawyer is doing discovery questions.I’m not the only client and I was served only a week ago. It is known that he is hiding money and gifting money to his family (idiot told me) I will be informing lawyer that I am contacting JAG. There hasn’t been a court ruling on how much is allotted to me. Navy says that he should be paying 1/3 of gross income. He has failed to do so Feb and March. I googled this just this evening.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
My lawyer is a civilian. Not taught UCMJ in law school. Lawyer is doing discovery questions.I’m not the only client and I was served only a week ago. It is known that he is hiding money and gifting money to his family (idiot told me) I will be informing lawyer that I am contacting JAG. There hasn’t been a court ruling on how much is allotted to me. Navy says that he should be paying 1/3 of gross income. He has failed to do so Feb and March. I googled this just this evening.
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In the US, is divorce law for a military member different than civilian? That is bizarre! Why should you as civilian need to deal with such a matter in a non-civilian setting.
 
Rau said:
In the US, is divorce law for a military member different than civilian? That is bizarre! Why should you as civilian need to deal with such a matter in a non-civilian setting.
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He has to comply with military law because they kind of own you. You can get in trouble off base and face consequences on base. For instance, you can get a DUI off base on the weekend, when you aren’t on duty, so it doesn’t affect work. You will also get in trouble Monday when you come to work. Like, restriction so many months half pay, and lose your rank. Sometimes they will have a open Captain’s Mast, where the whole command gets to see your CO rip you a new one all because you did something stupid off base.
 
Rau said:
In the US, is divorce law for a military member different than civilian? That is bizarre! Why should you as civilian need to deal with such a matter in a non-civilian setting.
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In a way, it’s kind of a good thing. Military rules offer extra protection to dependents, like specifying how much of his/her salary a member of the military MUST provide for the care/support of dependents, rather than the often-nonexistent rules provided by the courts. Think of it like a really, REALLY stern family business: you WILL take care of your family, or there WILL be consequences. A lot of American family courts are very messed up, and this ensures, at least, that it’s far harder to do badly by one’s dependents if one is in the military. Leaving aside anything else, mucking about with not paying the appropriate support will come up in future job/clearance reviews, and if you aren’t doing the right thing by your family, it will affect your job very negatively indeed.

It does mean, though that you need an attorney who is thoroughly familiar with the UCMJ.
 
UbiCaritas said:
In a way, it’s kind of a good thing. Military rules offer extra protection to dependents, like specifying how much of his/her salary a member of the military MUST provide for the care/support of dependents, rather than the often-nonexistent rules provided by the courts. Think of it like a really, REALLY stern family business: you WILL take care of your family, or there WILL be consequences. A lot of American family courts are very messed up, and this ensures, at least, that it’s far harder to do badly by one’s dependents if one is in the military. Leaving aside anything else, mucking about with not paying the appropriate support will come up in future job/clearance reviews, and if you aren’t doing the right thing by your family, it will affect your job very negatively indeed.

It does mean, though that you need an attorney who is thoroughly familiar with the UCMJ.
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It actually seems unjust for both parties! The civilian who needs a UCMJ familiar lawyer, and the soldier who (may) face a harsher justice because of the identity of his employer, over a matter unrelated to his employment. Never mind, I digress…
 
Rau said:
It actually seems unjust for both parties! The civilian who needs a UCMJ familiar lawyer, and the soldier who (may) face a harsher justice because of the identity of his employer, over a matter unrelated to his employment. Never mind, I digress…
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The Navy feels like the member has a natural and moral obligation to take care of their dependents. And they will not be a haven for personnel who disregard their obligations.

Honor Courage Commitment.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
The Navy feels like the member has a natural and moral obligation to take care of their dependents. And they will not be a haven for personnel who disregard their obligations.

Honor Courage Commitment.
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Understood. But you’d like to think that the society at large would demand no lesser obligation towards one’s dependants.
 
Rau said:
Understood. But you’d like to think that the society at large would demand no lesser obligation towards one’s dependants.
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To throw you for another loop, each branch requires something different for their members. The military tries to have better ethics than society and they do hold their personnel to a higher standard. My step dad is prior navy and was “strongly encouraged” to marry the girl from back home who had his child.
It is totally volunteer and they understand that rules are different and that they are essentially government property.

I honestly do not want to contact JAG. My husband is truly an outstanding service member and has been recognized for it. When he reenlisted, a lieutenant commander spoke very highly of him and even told me that his goal for my husband was to “get these” and pointed to his collar devices. I have absolutely no idea why he has decided to not only want this divorce, but isn’t doing what he needs to do per the US Navy. I have rights and I’ve tried without getting JAG or his command involved, but it isn’t working. I even mentioned to him that I asked for 1/4, which is less than what the Navy states. He wasn’t OK with that, so hate it for him.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
To throw you for another loop, each branch requires something different for their members. The military tries to have better ethics than society and they do hold their personnel to a higher standard. My step dad is prior navy and was “strongly encouraged” to marry the girl from back home who had his child.
It is totally volunteer and they understand that rules are different and that they are essentially government property.

I honestly do not want to contact JAG. My husband is truly an outstanding service member and has been recognized for it. When he reenlisted, a lieutenant commander spoke very highly of him and even told me that his goal for my husband was to “get these” and pointed to his collar devices. I have absolutely no idea why he has decided to not only want this divorce, but isn’t doing what he needs to do per the US Navy. I have rights and I’ve tried without getting JAG or his command involved, but it isn’t working. I even mentioned to him that I asked for 1/4, which is less than what the Navy states. He wasn’t OK with that, so hate it for him.
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Whatever is going on in his head, he is not behaving as a military man is expected to behave. That is on his shoulders alone. He is a grown man who is well aware that his choices have consequences. If he is choosing conduct unbecoming, it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty or hesitant about going after what you are entitled to under the law.
 
Rau said:
Understood. But you’d like to think that the society at large would demand no lesser obligation towards one’s dependants.
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Oh, I’d love to think that. The problem is that laws vary widely about these things in the US. In many areas, support is determined solely by a judge glancing over financial statements and announcing that the working spouse must contribute X number of dollars/month to the other spouse and/or children, and there often is very poor or nonexistent follow-up to ensure that this occurs. The military considers dependents a soldier’s responsibility and, to an extent, the military’s responsibility as well. There’s a sort of attitude of “You stood by your spouse/dad/mom and went through h*ll along with them through horrible hours, worse pay, long trainings, deployments, etc so that he/she could perform his/her mission with us. We won’t let you get screwed over.”

One of many reasons for this is that if a person is career US military, especially, it can be very hard indeed for that person’s non-military spouse to have a job. It’s not unheard of for career military personnel to move every two years or so, which plays merry hell with one’s job prospects and background. Being at a lot of jobs for only a year or so looks very bad on a resume–so bad that you usually won’t even get to the phone interview stage where you can explain “My husband is an officer in the Army, so we moved a lot,” and, unfortunately but understandably, a business is less willing to spend the time hiring and training someone who’s likely to be moving away in a short timeframe.

It’s very hard on military kids, too, because this means changing schools every couple of years, with changing standards from state to state (or country to country), not having an opportunity to make close friends, not having extended family nearby, and so on.

Given all the unusual demands placed on military spouses and kids, one can see why there are extra protections in place for them. I quite agree that many of these protections are protections that should be in place overall for dependents, especially kids, but I’m not queen of the universe and can’t change that. 😉

One last point: a reason these things affect one’s military career is that the people screening you for intelligence clearance levels a) do not want to see that you are either unreliable to those for whom you’re responsible, because this indicates what your future performance could be in similar-but-military situations, and b) because it could put pressure on you to compromise information in exchange for money. People with terrible credit histories or who are very behind on child support/alimony, for example, are bad security/intelligence risks. That information is information that superior officers want to have before deciding to have a candidate promoted/cleared for another level of information/etc.
 
MJJean said:
Whatever is going on in his head, he is not behaving as a military man is expected to behave. That is on his shoulders alone. He is a grown man who is well aware that his choices have consequences. If he is choosing conduct unbecoming, it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty or hesitant about going after what you are entitled to under the law.
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What she said. This is on him, not on you. If he decides to ignore UCMJ regarding dependent support, then he’s a fool, and strictly from the military’s perspective, I imagine they’d rather know that now than find out the hard way.
 
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