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garn9173
Guest
My Parish does not have a cry room, parents will take young infants out to the gathering space until they have settled down.
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Sarabande
Guest
I’m sorry you are having these problems at your parish. You have a difficult situation and I don’t know how you and your parish can rectify it. Two of the parishes where I work have no cry rooms. They are very old buildings and there really isn’t any space to put a cry room if they wanted one. One parish thought about having a little cry room by taking out a couple confessionals, but that was shot down because the people were so happy to hear the sounds of babies and children after years of not hearing them at all because it was once a dying parish.
My actual parish does have a cry room. We used it once when our daughter was a little over a year and never again. It’s a little enclosed chapel with a window facing the sanctuary, but so many of the parents were letting their little ones run wild, even into the little sanctuary of the chapel. They just ignored their kids. It encouraged our daughter to try to misbehave because she saw all of these other kids running around and we had to physically hold her in place sometimes. The other parents looked at us as if we were curmudgeons because we wouldn’t allow our daughter to play with their kids, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want her learning that it was appropriate to act like that at mass. She’s actually better behaved (most of the time) in the regular part of the church. If she doesn’t behave after a couple reprimands, my husband will take her to the vestibule or outside.
My actual parish does have a cry room. We used it once when our daughter was a little over a year and never again. It’s a little enclosed chapel with a window facing the sanctuary, but so many of the parents were letting their little ones run wild, even into the little sanctuary of the chapel. They just ignored their kids. It encouraged our daughter to try to misbehave because she saw all of these other kids running around and we had to physically hold her in place sometimes. The other parents looked at us as if we were curmudgeons because we wouldn’t allow our daughter to play with their kids, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want her learning that it was appropriate to act like that at mass. She’s actually better behaved (most of the time) in the regular part of the church. If she doesn’t behave after a couple reprimands, my husband will take her to the vestibule or outside.
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Armor_of_Light
Guest
4 kids
2 times trying the nursery. Never again. Kids don’t like strangers.
2 times in the cry room. Didn’t work. Made them noisier and felt like we were in quarantine.
Bazillion times toughing it out and getting the kids to get used to being well behaved.
What is the nature of the priests banter against individual parishoners?
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Joe_5859
Guest
First, I would call your attention to Catholics United for the Faith’s handy** Effective Lay Witness Protocol**. This does a good job of outlining the steps to take to resolve disputes within the Church.
I recommend getting a group together of others in your parish who are of like mind and brainstorming how to handle this. If you want things to change, I don’t see anyway around approaching the pastor at some point. It would be good to plan ahead so that such a meeting can go as well as possible.
Of course, it’s always possible the meeting will not go well, in which case you move to the next step in the above “Protocol”.
For what it’s worth, the parishes in my area have experienced the same thing with the cry room being used by those who seemingly want a barrier of separation between themelves and what is going on at Mass. On the (count-them-on-one-hand) times that we’ve utilized the cry room, we’ve been the only ones there with young children. It got so bad at one parish that the pastor repeatedly emphasized that the cry room was for parents with young children only.
Personally, I am not a fan of cry rooms. Whenever I’ve been there for Mass, I feel more like I’m watching Mass on TV than actually attending.
I recommend getting a group together of others in your parish who are of like mind and brainstorming how to handle this. If you want things to change, I don’t see anyway around approaching the pastor at some point. It would be good to plan ahead so that such a meeting can go as well as possible.
Of course, it’s always possible the meeting will not go well, in which case you move to the next step in the above “Protocol”.
For what it’s worth, the parishes in my area have experienced the same thing with the cry room being used by those who seemingly want a barrier of separation between themelves and what is going on at Mass. On the (count-them-on-one-hand) times that we’ve utilized the cry room, we’ve been the only ones there with young children. It got so bad at one parish that the pastor repeatedly emphasized that the cry room was for parents with young children only.
Personally, I am not a fan of cry rooms. Whenever I’ve been there for Mass, I feel more like I’m watching Mass on TV than actually attending.
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lizaanne
Guest
This is precisely why I think they are a very bad idea, and never should have been started in the first place. Every cry room I’ve ever seen is nothing but a play room for children, and a chat room for the parents. Our parish does not have one, and we have many very large families. I’ve been to both of the more populated Sunday Masses, the morning TLM (lots of little ones there!!), and the afternoon NO with mostly families. Never has their ever been a need for a cry room. Even when there is a young one with a total MELT DOWN, every parent handles the situation well, and Mass is hardly ever disrupted.
Also – children learn what they see others around them doing, adults and children. This is also a good reason why I think children’s Masses where they rip the kids out of the church for the liturgy of the word are not a good idea either.
~Liza
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Joe_5859
Guest
I think that’s a good point and probably the root for why I also don’t like cry rooms or marching the kids out of Mass for their own “Liturgy of the Word”.
Of course, it’s not a learning process devoid of “learning moments.” But what is?
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nickybr38
Guest
I think we’ve covered the OP’s main question but I have a side kind of tangent…
are cry rooms really wise? How young is too young for children to learn to be quiet at Mass? I can see with newborns and infants under a year or so but I dunno…
at our parish parents are encouraged to keep their children in the nave (isn’t that where the people sit?) unless they are being VERY fussy. There are even little phamphlets in each pew encouraging parents to sit closer to the front. The idea is if children can SEE what’s going on they’ll be less likely to get bored and distracted. In the back of the church all they can see are people’s backs. It’s a far less interesting viewpoint.
I see children who are given coloring books and little things to distract them during Mass and these kids, generally, do not behave well AT Mass.
However, I see my sister’s children who were taught from the get go to be QUIET and respectful and while they are young (7 and 11 when I took them to Mass) they behave beautiful. No whining. No ‘when’s it over?’. No need for coloring books or anything. They don’t even go to children’s church. They DO participate in Mass (saying the Mass parts, singing, etc) because they have been taught from a VERY young age to do so.
I dunno… I’m not saying that way is best either but I wonder about removing children from the Mass and then expecting them to learn how to behave…
are cry rooms really wise? How young is too young for children to learn to be quiet at Mass? I can see with newborns and infants under a year or so but I dunno…
at our parish parents are encouraged to keep their children in the nave (isn’t that where the people sit?) unless they are being VERY fussy. There are even little phamphlets in each pew encouraging parents to sit closer to the front. The idea is if children can SEE what’s going on they’ll be less likely to get bored and distracted. In the back of the church all they can see are people’s backs. It’s a far less interesting viewpoint.
I see children who are given coloring books and little things to distract them during Mass and these kids, generally, do not behave well AT Mass.
However, I see my sister’s children who were taught from the get go to be QUIET and respectful and while they are young (7 and 11 when I took them to Mass) they behave beautiful. No whining. No ‘when’s it over?’. No need for coloring books or anything. They don’t even go to children’s church. They DO participate in Mass (saying the Mass parts, singing, etc) because they have been taught from a VERY young age to do so.
I dunno… I’m not saying that way is best either but I wonder about removing children from the Mass and then expecting them to learn how to behave…
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zz912
Guest
The sound of a crying or fussy baby is the sound of a Pro-Life decision.
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Joe_5859
Guest
Yeah, I always got irked by the coloring boooks.
It can be tricky business, though. Different kids have different temperaments. I have some close friends and one of their kids (who is nearing 4) can just be a handful. They’re great parents, devout in their faith. But often at Mass he simply will not listen. And then what do you do?
My own 4 year old is autistic and prone to giggling or yelling just for the fun of it at completely unpredictable times. He’s generally pretty well-behaved at Mass (all things considered), but we simply never know when he might decide it’s time to be loud (or stand on the pew or crawl under the pew or…).
So I definitely understand why parents would want to utilize a cry room. When you’re just trying to get through this Mass, it can be very tempting to utilize whatever you think will minimize the chance of outburst (whether toys or food) without considering that it might be making the whole process more difficult in the long run.
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Joe_5859
Guest
That should be on a plaque on the wall of every cry room.The sound of a crying or fussy baby is the sound of a Pro-Life decision.
I completely agree about the temperament part. (I think sometimes God waits to send us ***that ***child after we’ve had two rather easy-going children to lull us in to a misguided sense of disdain for parents who can’t control their children. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor.Yeah, I always got irked by the coloring boooks.
It can be tricky business, though. Different kids have different temperaments. I have some close friends and one of their kids (who is nearing 4) can just be a handful. They’re great parents, devout in their faith. But often at Mass he simply will not listen. And then what do you do?
My own 4 year old is autistic and prone to giggling or yelling just for the fun of it at completely unpredictable times. He’s generally pretty well-behaved at Mass (all things considered), but we simply never know when he might decide it’s time to be loud (or stand on the pew or crawl under the pew or…).
So I definitely understand why parents would want to utilize a cry room. When you’re just trying to get through this Mass, it can be very tempting to utilize whatever you think will minimize the chance of outburst (whether toys or food) without considering that it might be making the whole process more difficult in the long run.
)But I think there is another issue.
Most children nowadays are not taught to be quiet for any occasion besides Mass and bedtime. How in the world are children supposed to know how to be quiet and attentive if they are only expected to act that way once a week? That’s a behavior that required practice.
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MommaElspeth
Guest
I am a single mom with three kids (9, 7, 4). We’ve used the cry room exactly once. My son (4) went from bad to worse the second we walked in. We’ve only been going to church for a year, so we’re a little behind the curve, but what works best for us is sitting in the front row. His behavior is soooo much better when he has an unobstructed view. That said, we do still have the Mass where I am physically restraining him 
but practice is the way to go.
but practice is the way to go.
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Brendan_64
Guest
I’ve never come across a church that has one here in the UK. It seems like quite a strange concept and one that aims to exclude rather than include. It would also seem to condone unruly behaviour by children as normal. Rather than setting up a room like this to cater for unruly children and parents who can’t/won’t control them why not just hold a Children’s Liturgy in it (for the children without their parents) with the children returning just before Communion? Surely that would be much better for the spiritual development of the children?A cry room is a room that parents can take their young children and babies that are ‘acting up’ or crying and the parents can still attand mass. I don’t know if its just an American thing or not. I do not think that all Catholic Churchs have a cry room.:heaven:
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nickybr38
Guest
I agree! I remember being required to be quiet a LOT as a kid. When adults were in the room. When we visited Grandparents. Etc. etc. There were so many occasions where my being quiet was not just expected but required. These days it’s like kids are only very rarely asked to be quiet…I completely agree about the temperament part. (I think sometimes God waits to send us ***that ***child after we’ve had two rather easy-going children to lull us in to a misguided sense of disdain for parents who can’t control their children. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor.
But I think there is another issue.
Most children nowadays are not taught to be quiet for any occasion besides Mass and bedtime. How in the world are children supposed to know how to be quiet and attentive if they are only expected to act that way once a week? That’s a behavior that required practice.
It’s definitely a different society!
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Allegra
Guest
This is a highly accurate description of the cry room at my former parish. Once, I was cantoring and I happened to glance over at the window and saw a man and a woman having what looked like a very heated argument in there during Father’s homily, while their school age kids ran wild and tossed toys back and forth. To be fair though, she WAS crying.
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babochka
Guest
Cry rooms are designed for babies and toddlers, for whom a children’s liturgy would not be appropriate.
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Morwenna
Guest
I remember this too, Nicky! Amazing how things have changed.
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babochka
Guest
The cry room at my parish is rarely used by any one parent for the entire liturgy. We are all in and out quite a bit. I have 5 kids, and when one of the younger 2 get noisy or restless, my husband or I will take him out for a few minutes, try to settle down, and return as soon as possible. That’s pretty much the culture in my parish and all of the parents do it. We’re a small parish and half the congregation is under 10, so we have a great deal of tolerance for the revolving door in the back. This is not the case in many parishes, and children who might possibly make a sound are expected to not be present in the church. The coming and going that goes on in my parish might be disruptive in another.
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MissRose73
Guest
When I was very young, my mother often had to use the cry room as it had a bathroom in it as I had health issues that often required the use of the bathroom. My younger sister was very active, and if you took 1 eye off her, she would run off faster like an Olympic sprinter. So Mass attendance was not a big priority for a few years for her due to my needs and my sister needing constant supervision.
Once I outgrew the health issues, my mother went into the normal part of the church with us. My mother would have my preschool aged sister bring a doll or stuffed animal with her to keep her quiet in addition to keeping hold of her hand to keep her from darting off and she did not seem to like going to Mass. Lucky for my mother, I took an interest in going to Mass from a young age and enjoyed singing & participating in the laity’s parts plus observing what was going on.
I am glad at the parishes I’ve been to over the years, most parents have enough sense to take their young kids & babies to a cry room to calm them (and attend to their needs like a diaper change or a bottle) down then return. The few places that do not have a dedicated room, the parent steps out to some type of section far from the main congregation then return when all is better with the child(ren).
Once I outgrew the health issues, my mother went into the normal part of the church with us. My mother would have my preschool aged sister bring a doll or stuffed animal with her to keep her quiet in addition to keeping hold of her hand to keep her from darting off and she did not seem to like going to Mass. Lucky for my mother, I took an interest in going to Mass from a young age and enjoyed singing & participating in the laity’s parts plus observing what was going on.
I am glad at the parishes I’ve been to over the years, most parents have enough sense to take their young kids & babies to a cry room to calm them (and attend to their needs like a diaper change or a bottle) down then return. The few places that do not have a dedicated room, the parent steps out to some type of section far from the main congregation then return when all is better with the child(ren).
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