Why are Traditional leaning guys so weird (insecure?) around women!

[Xantippe]

That’s along the lines of what I mean, but it is also true that contemporary college campuses are often frankly hostile places when it comes to those with traditional beliefs, particularly those who are Catholic or evangelical Protestants. I think the reasons are primarily political. These denominations are considered associated with conservative political parties by “liberal” thinkers and yet aren’t “trusted” to have politics that align with some of the fiscal conservatives among the “conservative” groups. Not surprisingly, even *college-educated *Catholics and evangelical Protestants can graduate with a great deal of wariness about the sort of attitudes that can be picked up at college, even if they are not anti-intellectual, per se.

College campuses are also hot-beds of radical feminist thought that might well make any guy wary around women. If you get treated with contempt and are presumed to have a contempt for women because you open doors and pull chairs out for them, why wouldn’t you feel wary before you know whether or not the woman you are talking to is going to either attack you for opening a door for her or else think less of you for failing to do it? Is she going to be offended if you offer to pay for meals? What if you don’t? If you like to do the driving? If you do or don’t presume her to have some knowledge of about automotive care? It can be a no-win world for a fellow brought up with traditional manners, long before the sticky topic of Ephesians 5 ever comes up.

Is opening doors for other people (or holding them open) really a gendered thing to do? We live down South in a very door-holding area, and both sexes do it.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a man pull out a chair for a woman in the wild.

 

[Xantippe]

You seem to be ‘painting with a very wide brush’…presenting ‘traditional’ men from the south. I went to Grad School in the Northeast and opened the door for a female classmate…she took one step back put both hands on her hips and emphatically stated that she ‘perfectly capable of opening the door for herself’…she was not joking…I apologized and simply stated that I was from some place else…and was careful from that point on…does that mean that that is the attitude of all females from the North…

It’s too late now, but next time this comes up, just tell her, "You can get the door for me next time."

 

[on_the_hill]

The biggest problem with Southern guys is they all think they can tell stories like Jerry Clower.

They can’t, but that doesn’t stop them from trying.

 

[Listener]

This post reminds me of a time when my husband and I passed through Georgia many years ago. We were cruising down a river on a boat called “The Scarlett O’Hara.”

I saw a woman with a man that I assume was her husband. She had brightly polished well-manicured fingernails. Her hair looked like she had spent half a day in a salon, and I think she had false eyelashes. She kept smiling up at her husband, as if to say, "THIS IS MY MAN!

She reminded me of the women in “Gone With the Wind.” It made such an impression on me that I remembered it all these years.

 

[HollyDolly]

My dad grew up in the south,in Hot Springs in the 1920s and 30s. Don’t know how the average woman was there at the time,but my great aunts,his aunts certainly weren’t dumb nor acted dumb around any man. They were the daughters of german parents and their mother had an iron will. All worked, and Great Aunt Anna had an insurance agency and her sister Helen was a massuer at the Buckstaff and a nother bathhouse.In fact recall daddy saying Helen had a part interest in the Buckstaff.
Oh a lot of peoplethink of the poor helpless southern belle.Well doesn’t matter whether that kind of woman lives in the south ,north,east ,or west.Those kind are about as helpless as a rattlesnake,their just good at fooling men with that act,but they don’t fool most women.
Just be yourself and I’m sure you’ll find someone.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was raised atheist and I was still an atheist when I attended University.
However ,even as an atheist and up to now, whenever a man opens a door for me or does other things that gentlemen do, I will behave like a lady and tell him “Thank You.” It’s just good manners.

This does not have to do with religious belief. It has to do with how a woman chooses to interpret the gesture of having the door opened for her. I have recently talked to a college student who honestly sees this as a demeaning custom. Go figure…I think she’s out of her mind. (Maybe she’s been reading Ayn Rand? Who knows.)

 

[edwest2]

Everything is a matter of personal orientation. It’s not about guys who are “traditional” or “southern” or whatever. I know a bunch of guys that cross the spectrum as to how they act around women. My suggestion for all men and women is: take each individual as an individual wherever you live. If you like the way they act, great. If not, just say you’re not interested. I really dislike the us versus them approach. Treat people as you would like to be treated. Jerks will be jerks, or insecure, and some people will not meet your expectations. But let’s not lean toward this automatic “I was offended when he or she did something that I think is not right according to my worldview.” No, I’m not talking about people who are mean or offensive or who act inappropriately in an obvious way.

Painting with a broad brush is usually not the right way to deal with people. Guys, in general, are not “all like that.” In fact, a friend of mine approaches dating in a way that is very different from my approach.

Peace,
Ed

 

[IdaD]

I have always been the one to befriend a guy, feel sorry for him, and lose him to a girl who thought he earned those good grades on his own. One guy friend asked me to take him back after he married and they had a child. Because she was not fun and he was bored. Both were Mormons. They had strict upbringings.
I walked away after telling him, there is nothing wrong with his wife and he needs to seek help at his church.
My dad always told me never to medle in someone’s marriage.
my dad taught me to care for myself. I pay my bills, keep one months savings for bills just in case, and never co-sign for any family member or friend. I will co-sign for my daughter, but that’s it. The most important one… Never lend what you can’t afford to lose.
I know women who act the wife and mother. In reality it is hard to have stereotype put on you. You’re not being smart using a stereotype. Men who are successful have a good woman behind them. My husband worked until last year, now we both work. I have heard women say I was dumb. In reality I managed a household, finances, and going to college. I also put my mom’s finances in order throughout the month. I also drove over 280 miles three times a year to check on my siblings and mom after my dad passed.
In my spare time I assisted a neighbor’s son improve on his reading in English, his parents paid me $30.00 a week. I also cleaned friend’s homes for $20.00 an hour.
No housewife is stupid, it takes so much work to keep a spouse motivated when the world can be tough.
I have seen my mom work and stay home. When she worked I was proud of her. When she stayed home I loved the meals, hugs, homework help, and stories at bedtime. I was the type to want my mom home.
You should not think terrible thoughts of other women because a man is used to something else. Be yourself and you’ll adjust eventually.
I moved to Montana from Las Vegas last year. My neighbors wave to my husband and ignore my daughter and I. They assume we’re not good women. Yet their clothing is very revealing and tight. I like to dress comfortable in jeans sneakers and t-shirts. Last summer they made fun of me in shorts. I lost 29 pounds and now they look and seem to be upset.
My point is I am nice. I dislike bigotry and ignorance. I am trained in first aid and cpr. I also have taken courses. I can be an asset to these people who drink alcohol only to decide to drive an ATV.
I am nice because they have trouble somewhere in their lives to want to pick on me.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ve just noticed this after moving to the south that guys do not know how to act around women who don’t follow the more Traditional ‘mother with babies’ mold. Are women SUPPOSED to be stupid/ditsy/obsessed with fashion/makeup/looks in order to be a woman? I’m beginning to feel that that is the definition of what makes a woman sometimes, by being around these type of men. When you don’t act like that they give you weird looks, and think you’re being ‘rebellious’. It’s not fair for women to have to lower their IQ by 40 points to be ‘normal’. It seems I can’t smile and be friendly to a guy without them thinking you’re hitting on them, never mind being congenial - they refuse to acknowledge you at the same level. I only find this with traditional leaning, perhaps Southern guys. Guys from the north or more liberal seem to be fine interacting with girls like me. Even international students don’t act like this… What do you do with these type of guys???

I love the username, but I very much dislike how this post is written. Frankly, it sounds like more of a Topix thread is just meant to inflame or enrage a particular demographic. I get that you’re new here, but please be aware the standards are high.

If I had not seen your other posts, I would have assumed bad intentions.

Guys from the north or more liberal seem to be fine interacting with girls like me.

Maybe the reason they aren’t nervous is because they aren’t interested?

I read a survey once that showed that even liberal women preferred conservative men. Are you sure that the men are the ones with the problem here?

What do you do with these type of guys???

Well, you could nicely tell a guy who is interested in you and you are not that you aren’t interested.

You can also stop generalizing about men anytime now, too. It will actually help increase your chances of finding a decent guy.

 

[SuperLuigi]

That sounds like low-self esteem and inadequacy on their part, which is more a personal than a regional feature.

I have seen a lot of this sort of thing in the North, but we were all in high school at the time.

Let me assure you it doesn’t end there.

 

[Falco]

. What do you do with these type of guys???

You leave them for the ditsy girls - somebody has to marry them - and you go on to find a man to match your IQ

 

[GraceUnderFire]

While I hate to generalize, traditional have left me scratching my head a few times. Many of them pride themselves on being “manly men” or “gentleman” but they act in a very ungentlemanly fashion. I can’t tell you how many times I have met “good Catholic guys” who couldn’t be bothered to remember my name or even walk right by without saying hello the next time they see me–even after sending me Facebook requests. Yes, some are genuinely shy and that’s usually evident, but I think a lot of them are very concerned about giving the appearance of being a good example of Catholic manhood and are quite frankly unkind. I also feel that some of these men will only act like a gentleman with women they feel meet their standard of deserving such treatment.

I see a lot of them on Catholic dating sites (CM and AVS) and it is pretty clear to me why some of them end up in their 40s and 50s without ever being married. There is no girl on earth who could ever live up to their exacting standards.

 

[Xantippe]

While I hate to generalize, traditional have left me scratching my head a few times. Many of them pride themselves on being “manly men” or “gentleman” but they act in a very ungentlemanly fashion. I can’t tell you how many times I have met “good Catholic guys” who couldn’t be bothered to remember my name or even walk right by without saying hello the next time they see me–even after sending me Facebook requests. Yes, some are genuinely shy and that’s usually evident, but I think a lot of them are very concerned about giving the appearance of being a good example of Catholic manhood and are quite frankly unkind. I also feel that some of these men will only act like a gentleman with women they feel meet their standard of deserving such treatment.

I see a lot of them on Catholic dating sites (CM and AVS) and it is pretty clear to me why some of them end up in their 40s and 50s without ever being married. There is no girl on earth who could ever live up to their exacting standards.

Maybe it’s time to for somebody to open up an online charm school for adults with personal tutorials by Skype?

 

[Xantippe]

. I can’t tell you how many times I have met “good Catholic guys” who couldn’t be bothered to remember my name or even walk right by without saying hello the next time they see me–even after sending me Facebook requests.

Some people are genuinely terrible with names and faces or identifying people they know in new contexts, so it might be worthwhile to give one of those the benefit of the doubt, just so long as there weren’t any other red flags.

 

[marymary1975]

I don’t have too much experince in the south and my comment may be tailored to my field, but my small two cents is that in my field - attorneys- a big number of female attorneys complain of an issue similar to the OP. I hear quite frequently from back in the day law school classmates and now females attorneys the comment - are men intimidaded by intelligent professional women? However, there is a little hidden fact (and many times those women don’t even notice it because is not intentional) and is that many times these women (particularly many female attorneys) at first impression do not appear friendly. Unfortunately for many of these women this is not intentional is just a result if how they havebeen educated and they think in their head that they are friendly, but the iimpression they give to others is that they are not friendly. So many times is not that men are intimidated, is just that the first pression the women is giving is that she is not friendly. This happens too many times to business women in high position. They give a first impression that is not true.

I am not suggesting with this that the OP is not friendly. But just bringing the issue that sometimes the impression other people get from smart women is not what Tue smart woman is trying to project and that may be part of the issue.

 

[Sarcelle]

You leave them for the ditsy girls - somebody has to marry them - and you go on to find a man to match your IQ

I would think traditional leaning men would go for the Proverbs 31 woman with her many virtues. Not the giggling, faux helpless stereotype.

 

[Xantippe]

I would think traditional leaning men would go for the Proverbs 31 woman with her many virtues. Not the giggling, faux helpless stereotype.

Yes and no.

I suspect there’s always going to be a number of men who believe that they can choose a wife 90% based on youth, looks and charm (i.e. the giggling faux helpless stereotype) and then form her into the Proverbs 31 woman through sheer force of will.

 

[SuperLuigi]

While I hate to generalize,

If you do indeed “hate” doing something, why are you doing it?

traditional have left me scratching my head a few times. Many of them pride themselves on being “manly men” or “gentleman” but they act in a **very ungentlemanly **fashion. I can’t tell you how many times I have met “good Catholic guys” who couldn’t be bothered to remember my name or even walk right by without saying hello the next time they see me–even after sending me Facebook requests.

Yes, some are genuinely shy and that’s usually evident, but I think a lot of them are very concerned about giving the appearance of being a good example of Catholic manhood and are quite frankly unkind. I also feel that some of these men will only act like a gentleman with women they feel meet their standard of deserving such treatment.

Okay, I think see what the problem may be on here. Reading through some of the posts, the traditional Catholic guys are not communicating with the women romantically.

This is why some of the women posting on here are not attracted to the guys, and instead see them as, well, how they see them.

Ladies, know that a lot of traditional Catholic guys out there don’t know what the are doing when it comes to dating. Some are probably just too strict and scrupulous on interacting with women that they won’t romantically communicate. They tend to think that their dedication should be enough to land a date with a good Catholic woman.

What to do with these guys?

Tell them to come on here and talk to me. They need a lesson and how to date! :nunchuk:

 

[Sarcelle]

Yes and no.

I suspect there’s always going to be a number of men who believe that they can choose a wife 90% based on youth, looks and charm (i.e. the giggling faux helpless stereotype) and then form her into the Proverbs 31 woman through sheer force of will.

Hmm , I wonder if this is the male equivalent of women marrying the bad boy and expecting to change him into a man of virtue after by force of will?

Either way good luck with that.

 

[GraceUnderFire]

If you do indeed “hate” doing something, why are you doing it?

Okay, I think see what the problem may be on here. Reading through some of the posts, the traditional Catholic guys **are not communicating with the women romantically. **
This is why some of the women posting on here are not attracted to the guys, and instead see them as, well, how they see them.

Ladies, know that a lot of traditional Catholic guys out there don’t know what the are doing when it comes to dating. Some are probably just too strict and scrupulous on interacting with women that they won’t romantically communicate. They tend to think that their dedication should be enough to land a date with a good Catholic woman.

Nope, that’s not it at all. I would be cautious about someone who had an overabundance of romantic overtones without knowing me. I’m just talking about civility. I’m not looking for a player or someone “smooth.” Just say hello, make conversation, and show initiative. That is the God-given role of the man–to pursue! I would think these traditional men are well-versed in the art of courtship