I admit it’s a bit dark to want the whole hushed voice thing but if I ever want that, it’d be on matters that are gravely serious. This is what I mean by fear. Some people just don’t really take you seriously unless you give a threat that mimics the gravity of the situation.
That’s true but you don’t need to keep people fearful all the time in order to ensure that they will treat you seriously when a critical time comes. Basically, we’re talking about a crisis situation here and those are largely unpredictable. If you want a family that deals well with crisis situations, you’d need to teach them to be strong and independent and think calmly under duress. And if you want them to follow your direction in such cases, you’d need to teach them (here I mean children, primarily, of course) the respect for authority, tradition, the wisdom and experience of the older generations… as well as that they can trust you blindly. And they can only really trust you blindly (although exceptions happen but that trust is then misplaced) when you have their best interests in mind, when you want the best for them, regardless if it even costs you some pain or resources or reduces your authority. This can’t happen if you cut them down to size, distrust them yourself by placing control measures on them, or allow your darker side to surface and harm them (very few people, if any, have no dark urges, I think, it’s that we need to resist them, as we’re shaped by what we choose).
Of course not, and I would not be the type of man who thinks they would ever lose their worth.
If you managed to reduce a woman to a state where she’s trembling in fear of your angry reactions (or calm disciplinary reactions, which is also a scary perspective), while she will not lose her worth strictly speaking (because a human person never can), she will be reduced to a shell of her former self. There will be little respect for her human dignity. You want to uplift her, not to bring her down (or trim down to size). Same with children.
On the other hand a woman’s worth is absolutely not diminished in being cooperative, recognising her husband’s good qualities, competences, talents, even, heck, let’s use the scary word: authority in matters they decided to be his to take care of, or in general as the head of the family (which is not a point I’d like to debate right now).
It certainly doesn’t diminish a woman
not to argue every single step or decision or request made by her husband. It doesn’t diminish a wife, like any other person (co-worker, husband, whoever), to make concessions for mutual good or sometimes for the sake of peace. It certainly doesn’t diminish her (or anybody, husband either) to recognise someone else’s solution of a problem as better than hers. And it certainly doesn’t diminish a woman to avoid giving her husband a hard time, to take his feelings, his emotions, his needs and even his weaknesses in consideration… as opposed to, for example, making a point of ignoring them, as in the husband/man (and only he) needs to suck it up.
I agree that these patterns exist and they can be very taxing from a man’s point of view, even destructive. I see them in business too, not necessarily from women, and then they’re annoying because they’re counter-productive, as in when someone decided to be a jerk in spite of the greater benefit he could gain from cooperating or playing by the rules.
Like you, I’d prefer to marry a woman who doesn’t follow those patterns. Or rather isn’t ruled by them because, I guess, everybody needs to struggle with them, as they are pretty much a matter of pride, stubborness and a couple of other same old vices, perhaps in a new package (of misguided feminism). But there’s a limit to means you can use to prevent the situation.
I just want it to be the same with me, that’s all.
Nope, I’ll have to disagree with you on that one, you aren’t painting a symmetrical picture of that relationship. And I don’t even mean a literal symmetry because men and women are different anyway. But from what I read you saying, I can’t agree that you want the same for your wife as you want for yourself.
They also apparently enjoy using others and then tossing them away when they can’t get any more ‘fun’ out of them.
Yes, although they likely don’t do so deliberately, as in even if they seem to be deliberate, they might be largely compelled by huge psychic damage. Narcissists begin with, among other causes, unloved, mistreated children. And children with a dad who gets hyped on authority can develop a set of other nasty issues, including basically the same effects as adult children of alcoholics (because alcohol itself isn’t relevant, what matters is the behaviour). You need to create a friendly, respectful, just environment for your wife and children. And I know this is a huge task. I get soft in the knees when I think about it sometimes.
). You are spot on in what it truly means to protect and love a woman. You understand that real love is bringing out the best in each other with loving support. If you have a woman she is very lucky. If not, the one you find will be.
Im sure to this day he didn’t comprehend why I didn’t find him attractive as a gentleman. Another one was weeping all the time when we spoke, like a hormonal lady, all the time moved by something, and then proposing marriage to me after we had only known each other for a very short time. I could not feel safe with such a man.
Isn’t it amazing how much trouble a man get himself in for mentioning confidence and size of jeans in the same sentence? 