Why do women settle for men who treat them badly?

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whatevergirl

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Disclaimer–this thread is dealing with women who are in dating situations…not marriages.

I have often pondered this. My sister, as many of you know, has been legally divorced for roughly 5 years. She dates the strangest men. I’m sorry–but seriously, not sure why she is settling like this.😦 She dates men who have no morals, or very loose ones…aren’t working…are working, but are arrogant…drink too much…view porn…and on and on it goes. She is not ‘free’ to date, from a Catholic perspective, but that’s another thread.

So, I said to her…why are you settling for these types of men? “You’re beautiful, don’t look anywhere near your age, are incredibly intelligent, have a great paying job…I don’t get it.” Her response is that ‘she hopes they will change.’

Let me say this–men and women in their 50’s…even 40’s for that matter…are pretty much set in their ways…good, bad or indifferent. I said…‘change into what?’ She doesn’t like my questions. :o

I also see on this forum…women settling for men (dating or engaged) who:

a) don’t respect them
b) have serious porn/drinking/whatever problems
c) don’t respect their faith as Catholics

And while it’s one thing to be forgiving, that’s not what is going on here. It’s ‘excusing’ behaviors, for some unknown reason…is it so they are not alone? I know for my sis, she is very afraid of being alone. She has said this. I said…‘Being alone is better than being with someone who treats you badly…or has serious addictions, etc…’ I think she is slowly seeing the light, but I dunno.

I dated a downright bad guy when I was in college. Bad. Verbally abusive, and eventually started to shove me around. Why did I continue to make excuses? I didn’t feel good about myself back then, which was my personal reason. Maybe that is the same for others…but, for me, I eventually knew that I deserved better, and thankfully, left such a terrible situation. He was an extreme case. But, there are other areas where women (and men) settle.

I just want to tell women who are dating on here…if you are being treated badly…if you are making excuses for your guy, just so you don’t have to be alone…please don’t settle. If you are being talked down to, or you’re finding that you’re compromising who you are, and your faith, etc in order to be with a man–please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this.

Again, I’m a very forgiving person, but I’m talking about staying in a relationship that is toxic…or that you really feel badly about deep down in your gut. Don’t turn your gut feelings off.

This also goes for guys too. Sorry, I’m only addressing women in here…but hey guys–don’t settle for women who treat you badly! Too many threads on here about having to guess if someone is interested in you. YOU WILL KNOW IF A WOMAN DIGS YOU, ok? You’ll just know! 😦 If she’s mean, catty, doesn’t call you back…becomes overly critical…hangs out with old boyfriends to make you jealous…DON’T SETTLE.

I’m feeling a bit preachy today…lol Sorry, but it’s because I just want to help you make better choices…if I can. Not that I’m a guru in the relationship department, but my marriage is pretty solid. After some years of trial and error, I think my husband and I have got it down…and let me say…neither of us settled.

Anyways–take my thread here for what it’s worth…but just don’t feel that you have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t bring joy to your life. :o If you’re on some grand mission to change abusive/addicted/disrespectful men into champions…you’re going to end up very sad…and very tired.

God bless…
 
I’ve been guilty of this just because I was new to dating and didn’t know the signs to look for also I tend to be a little too laid back and accepting at times. Now I’m pretty selective and don’t put up with much…lies, head games, irresponsibility, rudeness and any type of controling behavior or disrespect.

I think the thing for a lot of women is they just want a man so they’ll put up with a lot. Stuff they really shouldn’t so they can say they have a boyfriend/husband what have you. I think this is generally true for a lot of guys as well but just a little more true of women. Many people get their self worth by feeling valued or wanted by others which isn’t always the best way to go as people can be very fickle or unreliable even abusive.

Just my 2 cents.
 
Excellent, good for you Sierrah! Me too…I used to be too accepting…and again, it’s not about being snooty…or intolerant…it’s about becoming a discerning individual when dating. You make some great points too!

Most men who treat women badly when dating, don’t miraculously turn into great husbands, when the honeymoon is over. I think that women and men need to spend some time, really thinking about what matters to them…and find that in a potential mate.

I think that it’s high time that people start having some moral standards again…there is nothing wrong with that. You don’t need to marry someone, of whom you’re dating, just because you’ve dated them since first grade. You can call of a wedding, if the person you are considering marrying, is downright rude and hurtful to you, on a regular basis. Don’t feel pressured to live with people, because you don’t have the money to live on your own. Get two jobs. Don’t let someone come between you and the Eucharist. That could very well be the most important aspect one should keep in mind, when dating.

And men…don’t stay with a girl who keeps pressuring YOU to have sex. I have seen that a lot on here, too…and if she pouts, throws a fit, tells you ‘you don’t love me,’ bla bla…move on.

Don’t settle…and don’t permit someone to change who YOU ARE.

:hammering: (drilling the message into people’s heads hahaha)😛
 
Why? Because we have no self esteem. That’s it in a nutshell and it’s really not more complicated than that.
 
The first guy I dated was a rotten guy–but I didn’t know that until after he broke up with me. As one poster pointed out, I was inexperienced–and I had low self esteem.

Thankfully the next guy was DH…and he’s a wonderful, wonderful hubby! :love:
 
I also agree with the self esteem. Some women feel it is better to have any man regardless of how he treats her.

Some women fall for the superficial things as well - good looks over substance. Nice car and money over morals.
 
This is a very timely topic. I have a friend who’s moved in with a guy who, the more I learn about him (haven’t met him yet), the more I agree with most of her family and friends that he’s not a good guy and is probably with her because her father passed away, she inherited some money, and is acting as a sugar mama for him (he doesn’t work- she pays all the bills and buys him presents). He’s got a felony record (on top of a history of drunk driving), which apparently precludes him getting a job, and she’s had to call the police on his brother at least twice from her own house. I don’t know what to say to her. She’s upset that her family and other friends can’t see “what a great guy he is” and although I’ve told her that we all know and love her and want what’s best for her, and she needs to take into consideration what everyone is saying, she’s not hearing it.

I think this guy picked her up in a very vulnerable place: her annulment had gone through, her father had just died (conveniently he showed up right around that time), she was having a lot of problems with her brother. I suggested that she stop paying for things that only benefit the boyfriend and see what happens. Maybe when the gravy train runs out he’ll pack up and find someone else. I’d hate to see her hurt again, but it would be better than if she married him and he was then legally entitled to her assets.
 
I think it’s a self-esteem issue. Women (and men) are willing to overlook many things, if just a few things are right.

An example…in my early 20’s I had a boyfriend who I thought I would marry.

He had good qualities, he was handsome, seemed very mature, had a very charismatic personality and was affectionate, and generous (flowers,love letters etc.)

So stupid me overlooked that he was controlling, a liar, jealous and a misogynist. Thank God we didn’t marry, because we would have ended up divorced, or I would have ended up abused, and cheated on.

Why did this person end up being my boyfriend, and not just one date?

Because I was lonely, everybody had a boyfriend, and I was by myself. There was a void, and he seemed to fill it.

The catalyst for us breaking up? There were 2 One, I caught him in a serious lie…second he was disrespectful to my Dad. As a serious daddy’s girl, that bothered me…because my Dad was a really great guy and easy to get along with.

So, sorry for the ramble. But, a lot of it has to do with self-esteem.
 
Then there are the women that think nothing of taking a man from another. And where I come from, way too many of them.

Because I had been around awhile I use to caution the young boys on my shift, newly married or in serious relationships, about the perils of the fire service. One of those being attractive women hanging around the places we hang around at. Kind of like peanut butter and jelly. Wherever firefighters gathered, you can be sure attactive women followed.

They didn’t care you were married, enagaged, or whatever. You had a good stable job, it was also common knowledge in the community firefighters with children but no wives had their paycheck garnished for child support. The city took it right of the check, so the mother always got her money, and healthcare.

I told rookies soon after I met them, how it was, and advised the signle guys many were looking for a meal ticket. But men are inherently weak creatures, and had to learn the hard way.

I warned guys over and over, but saw it happen time and again. A happily married guy, doing well, suddenly has it thrown in his face, and down he goes.

I recall a young lady hanging around the fire station talking to one of the young married men on my shift. She was very cute, and I asked her, “so why do you wanna date married guys?” “Because if I limited myself to just single guys, I reduce my dating pool. If a guy is single gotta be a reason, and I’m NOT gonna settle for someone that nobody else wanted. If a guy is married it is up to his wife to keep him, he has a choice, I just give him options.”

“yanno that’s a pretty sad commentary, but I’ll say this, if you want a guy that will take the ring of his hand to be with you, then you deserve him, because sweetie what goes around comes around.”

I was able to tawk this young man outta taking his ring off, but I was unsuccessful in many cases.
 
SeekerJen said:
This is a very timely topic. I have a friend who’s moved in with a guy who, the more I learn about him (haven’t met him yet), the more I agree with most of her family and friends that he’s not a good guy and is probably with her because her father passed away, she inherited some money, and is acting as a sugar mama for him (he doesn’t work- she pays all the bills and buys him presents). He’s got a felony record (on top of a history of drunk driving), which apparently precludes him getting a job, and she’s had to call the police on his brother at least twice from her own house. I don’t know what to say to her. She’s upset that her family and other friends can’t see “what a great guy he is” and although I’ve told her that we all know and love her and want what’s best for her, and she needs to take into consideration what everyone is saying, she’s not hearing it.

I think this guy picked her up in a very vulnerable place: her annulment had gone through, her father had just died (conveniently he showed up right around that time), she was having a lot of problems with her brother. I suggested that she stop paying for things that only benefit the boyfriend and see what happens. Maybe when the gravy train runs out he’ll pack up and find someone else. I’d hate to see her hurt again, but it would be better than if she married him and he was then legally entitled to her assets.
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You know, I think if we were to line up 10 women, a man like this could sniff out the most vulnerable one out of the bunch. I am sorry for your friend–what a disaster! This is worse than just settling…some women permit such horrible behaviors, and they really can find themselves in dangerous positions, aligning themselves with the wrong WRONG men. Prayers that she will leave that situation!😦 Thx for sharing, Jen.
 
BamaRider said:
Then there are the women that think nothing of taking a man from another. And where I come from, way too many of them.

Because I had been around awhile I use to caution the young boys on my shift, newly married or in serious relationships, about the perils of the fire service. One of those being attractive women hanging around the places we hang around at. Kind of like peanut butter and jelly. Wherever firefighters gathered, you can be sure attactive women followed.

They didn’t care you were married, enagaged, or whatever. You had a good stable job, it was also common knowledge in the community firefighters with children but no wives had their paycheck garnished for child support. The city took it right of the check, so the mother always got her money, and healthcare.

I told rookies soon after I met them, how it was, and advised the signle guys many were looking for a meal ticket. But men are inherently weak creatures, and had to learn the hard way.

I warned guys over and over, but saw it happen time and again. A happily married guy, doing well, suddenly has it thrown in his face, and down he goes.

I recall a young lady hanging around the fire station talking to one of the young married men on my shift. She was very cute, and I asked her, “so why do you wanna date married guys?” “Because if I limited myself to just single guys, I reduce my dating pool. If a guy is single gotta be a reason, and I’m NOT gonna settle for someone that nobody else wanted. If a guy is married it is up to his wife to keep him, he has a choice, I just give him options.”

“yanno that’s a pretty sad commentary, but I’ll say this, if you want a guy that will take the ring of his hand to be with you, then you deserve him, because sweetie what goes around comes around.”

I was able to tawk this young man outta taking his ring off, but I was unsuccessful in many cases.
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Oh, how horrible.😦

I would have to say…any woman or man who wants to date someone married, is NOT a good catch. Eventually, you might find yourself being the one cheated on, because that is how he/she met you. Keep preaching though, Bama…even if just one guy/woman listens…:o
 
I wouldn’t say people who do this have no self esteem, rather many probably have low self esteem and a few just literally don’t get it or expect that is how they are suppose to be treated due to their upbringing.

This isn’t just for women, men have esteem issues as well but I believe women have to deal with this much more… why?

Our culture. Yea we see the hair color “no play for Mr. Grey” type adds and the whole “regrow your hair so you have better self esteem” and now even a few diet ads but in general men are the target market for these things. Yes men get down and sometimes depressed because they don’t look as they want, don’t get a promotion, get too stressed out etc…

Women have these same things to deal with yet they are BOMBARDED with images and issues from our culture telling them they aren’t good enough. Working mothers don’t really care about their families, SAHM can’t compete in the real world or don’t have a “real” job, If you can’t wear a size 2 somethings wrong with you, “You can now get botox on your lunch hour!”, those shoes don’t match that dress etc… etc… etc…

Think of how many diet plans, pills, ads, books, magazines etc… are aimed at women. Being a reasonable weight for health reasons is responsible and good. I’m sorry folks but very few mom’s how have had 3 or 4 kids are going to look like the model they did 20 years ago NOR are they going to have the time, unless they have a LOT of $$$, to spend 3 or 4 hours a day at the gym. It’s just not a realistic expectation… period. MORE Importantly - it shouldn’t BE an expectation.

These unrealistic expectations not only effect women but for some men, usually stupid ones…, that people should always look or act a certain way.

The truth is that most mean don’t believe that, not matter what Dr. Phil or Oprah say. Many husbands are very happy and don’t want or expect their wives to do any more or look any different than they do… Yet the women are still bombarded by this “teaching” that men do believe that and want it.

Many women, having grown up with the whole Knight in shining armor stories have difficult believing these men when they are honest because our society has engraned into them that this simply can not be the case.

Thus those guys loose out for being honest and the women find men who treat them less respectably because that is what they have been taught to expect.

Some of these is a direct result IMHO of the feminist movement. Yes, there were some REALLY good things done but over time I believe the movement has actually hurt women. A powerful woman to me is not someone who can put on a business suit and do all the same disgusting business things a man does but rather a woman who is a great mother, or one who dresses however she wants and expects more in a business relationship than most men do.

Anyway… I believe much of it is because women are taught to expect less of themselves. It works out bad for many honest guys and for many women as well.

Joe
 
Hi Joe-you make some great observations and have some interesting insights…and you are absolutely right, all of those things could play into it. Thanks for the post!
 
Ask my sister! She was desperate to hook into anyone that had a pulse. Now that she is getting a divorce, her main concern is not her children, but meeting a guy and charging up her credit cards even though she is in dept. But she doesn’t care what she owes, because after her last purchase of expensive jewelry (among other things) she said “it doesn’t matter because I am going to file bankrupcy!” Yet she was proud of saying that!

She met a guy where she works, and all she does is spend money that she doesn’t have on him, meanwhile, she borrows money from my parents and she won’t pay back.

This is a very VERY small cliff note version. If you knew the whole story, good lord, you would be in shock.

This is a person who calls her 8 yr old daughter a “b!tch” to her face and beat her 3 yr old son saying “I wish you were never born, I hate you, I hate you…” because she gave him the keys to her car and he lost them. 3 yrs old mind you.

And she wants to be godmother to my soon to be born baby but yet she threw it in my face that her “boyfriend” has no kids and he can do whatever he wants and go anywhere he wants.
 
Ok. Let me preface this by saying that yes, I am a jerk, an a***ole or any other name you want to call me.

Here goes:

Nobody should put up with being treated like ****. Nobody. I grew up in the south and was taught that girls are special and you take care of them.

Sometimes you gotta call for an intervention. We did this for a good friends sister. She was getting hit and we told hubby that he was getting a divorce and leaving town and he was going to sign anything she sent him. And he did. It was illegal as hell, but the cops didn’t care. I know that I am an old-fashioned sexist stick-in-the-mud but I believe that if a girl is being treated this way it is up to the men in her family/church to talk with her and her special friend (hopefully before marriage) about what is right and what is wrong and how the cow is gonna eat the cabbage.

You can flame me now, I’m a big boy.

Bryan
 
I absolutely believe this goes back to the father/daughter relationship. Dads who are involved, loving, protective and expect certain standards of behaviour generally raise daughters with a solid sense of self-esteem who simply won’t tolerate poor treatment from anyone, much less a male partner. Dads are vital to raising healthy women. One thing I absolutely do NOT worry about is my girls ever settling for some guy who couldn’t stand eye to eye with their father and confidently assure him that his intentions were honorable or his commitment (in the case of marriage) above all else in this world!
 
Island – you are so right. Thank you for posting that!

I know that my dd should make right choices with men, as for one thing, she is strong willed all by herself, lol…but her dad loves her, shows her one on one attention, and puts her in her place when she needs it. She is daddy’s ‘princess,’ yet she is punished when she is out of line. It’s a balanced mixture of love and sterness, and expecting great things from her.

But, we have the talks just the same about not allowing a man to mistreat her, etc…and hopefully, her strong faith, and our lessons, will help her make the right choice in a man.

She sometimes talks about becoming a nun, still, though. We’ll see. 🙂
 
I don’t think it’s lack of self-esteem as it is some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. If people get attached to their kidnappers, they might as well to those who abuse them in relationships. Some kind of addiction perhaps.
whatevergirl said:
This also goes for guys too. Sorry, I’m only addressing women in here…but hey guys–don’t settle for women who treat you badly! Too many threads on here about having to guess if someone is interested in you. YOU WILL KNOW IF A WOMAN DIGS YOU, ok? You’ll just know! 😦 If she’s mean, catty, doesn’t call you back…becomes overly critical…hangs out with old boyfriends to make you jealous…DON’T SETTLE.
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Yup. No problem any more with all that follows, “you will know if a woman digs you,” although I’m working even on that one. I generally tend to think that the fact that someone might be interested more or more unequivocally is generally enough reason to stop chasing someone who is not really. This is even a bit of a justice thing, as in, a bit as if you owe better.
whatevergirl said:
And men…don’t stay with a girl who keeps pressuring YOU to have sex. I have seen that a lot on here, too…and if she pouts, throws a fit, tells you ‘you don’t love me,’ bla bla…move on.
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Yeah.
 
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chevalier:
Yup. No problem any more with all that follows, “you will know if a woman digs you,” although I’m working even on that one. I generally tend to think that the fact that someone might be interested more or more unequivocally is generally enough reason to stop chasing someone who is not really. This is even a bit of a justice thing, as in, a bit as if you owe better.

Women who don’t return calls repeatedly, unless something earth shattering happened, are not interested. Women who don’t return text messages, emails, and any other type of communication within a 48 hr period, are generally not interested. I never rule anything out. I was not altogether interested in my husband when we met, although, it wasn’t him per se, I was just not ready for something serious, and I knew he was…and I was just open with him about that. We were friends …then started dating again after a year of friendship…and the rest is history.

But, more often than not, if a woman is interested in you, she will accept your request to go see a movie…or out to dinner. She won’t say no, and not call you. lol I feel badly that there seem to be so many women out there unable to just tell a guy…no, I don’t see us being together. That would be too simple I guess.

I never said we weren’t complicated, as times. 🤷 😃
 
Women in general love praise, love to please, and love to make sacrifices. So if a man first praises her, then criticizes her, then eventually deigns to praise her again, a lot of women will buy this. Similarly, a lot of women will put up with stuff because they think it’s a sacrifice for love, and that eventually the man will be pleased by it.

Some men respond to this, too. It’s as if the person pushes their buttons and gets them acting like an obedient child. Some bosses do this to their employees, too.

The whole thing is really a caricature of a real adult relationship, but it does seem to have a lot of power.
 
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