Why do women settle for men who treat them badly?

[SeekerJen]

Oh, I know two girls who do this in their dating relationships and I can’t stand it. It’s probably one issue where I come across as interolerable or judgmental. I simply don’t understand it.

I used to think it was due to naivete, to low self-esteem, to trying to “fix” a man, to having a bad relationship with the father, etc.

Now, I’m starting to suspect it might not be so innocent. I’ve known these girls since before highschool and I’m starting to see a bit of a worldview where they want to have a man who is “lower” than them. They don’t want someone who is their equal. For example, one girl only dates men who are highschool dropouts. She is completing her master’s and is already looking forward to her doctorate’s. I finally asked her why she was doing this and she said she didn’t want a man smarter than her.

The pattern seems to match this idea…for example, the men chosen are typically shorter, younger, have less schooling, lower positions at work and smaller life goals. The other girl always dates men a few inches shorter and a few years younger. The first girl is a kind of big shot-type manager and will only date hourly wage, non-supervisory men.

Okee dokee then…

I suspect there is some truth to this, although I doubt all the women realize it. Perhaps it’s subconscious retaliation at a lousy father, or an ex. In some cases, though, I think it is self-esteem, because not all women choose the type of men you have described. Some choose men who are large, powerful, and physically abusive.

 

[whatevergirl]

I suspect there is some truth to this, although I doubt all the women realize it. Perhaps it’s subconscious retaliation at a lousy father, or an ex. In some cases, though, I think it is self-esteem, because not all women choose the type of men you have described. Some choose men who are large, powerful, and physically abusive.

Yep…agree. I really am excited to see a place where none of this exists anymore…no more strife, tears, abuse, low self esteem…

HEAVEN!

 

[hasikelee]

I suspect there is some truth to this, although I doubt all the women realize it. Perhaps it’s subconscious retaliation at a lousy father, or an ex. In some cases, though, I think it is self-esteem, because not all women choose the type of men you have described. Some choose men who are large, powerful, and physically abusive.

That’s true…although I might argue for the sake of arguing that perhaps these men turn into large, powerful, physically abusive partners…

I can remember some pretty scrawny kids in high school who are now burly men.

Okay, honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with that…

 

[chevalier]

That’s true…although I might argue for the sake of arguing that perhaps these men turn into large, powerful, physically abusive partners…

Possible, possible. If one goes for “lower”, one can face some “lower” treatment in the end.

By the way, it appears to be seen as normal in men - choosing women who have had less education, who make less money, are shorter and so on and so forth. I suppose those “managerial” women turn into men in that aspect and they want another subordinate because they can’t stand equals. I remember complaining about this with regard to younger ones that you could call “premanagerial” because they’ll most likely end up in those positions. I don’t really care now. Perhaps caring before was a sign of low self-esteem in myself? Hah…

 

[whatevergirl]

My son actually said the other day, that he would like his wife to be self sufficient when he meets her someday. He doesn’t want a woman to ‘use’ him or marry him to merely take care of her financially or otherwise. He wants to be a good provider someday, he said–but he doesn’t want a woman to look at him to take care of her every need, and that is why she is choosing him. For him, he wants a woman to be capable of taking care of herself, and he said that is what he would find attractive. (coming from the mouth/mind of a 16 yr old male? lol)

I think that you are right chev…many men don’t look at what a woman is ‘bringing to the table…’ as long as she is pretty, or shows affection…that is all that is necessary. But, men should not be looking to rescue a woman from her problems. I think it’s one thing to be a helpful supporter, as a friend to someone…but it’s another to LOOK for qualities in a spouse that cause a person to feel like he/she has the upper hand. I think a marriage will be doomed if that is what he/she is looking for.

Dr Laura, who I’m not ultra fond of anymore…does say some good things about men not rescuing women, etc…

 

[catholickitten]

***“If you’re on some grand mission to change abusive/addicted/disrespectful men into champions…you’re going to end up very sad…and very tired.” ***

Amen to that!

Too bad some of us see the light a little late, I didn’t stay more than 6 months with my ex, but still it drained me from happiness, peace (yeah, because you try SO hard to believe they’ll change and the lies they tell you, but you’re always feeling anxious and nervous 'cause your heart tells you that something’s wrong), and should’ve left him when I found all those profiles in dating sites he had put up online while we were still together…

I know I’m not perfect (nobody is), but I surely don’t go and do such low low low things to anyone, so, I guess I should’ve known in that specific moment, that we had nothing.:nope:

Hugs for you!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Hugs for you, too kitten! And thanks for chiming in. This thread really is to post whatever it is you like, and sharing past stories can be so helpful to others–so thanks for yours, too. I think that we all come upon hard times in one form or another…it’s in learning how to move forward, and not repeat destructive patterns, that makes the difference! Have a blessed Advent season, and beautiful Christmas.

 

[hasikelee]

Possible, possible. If one goes for “lower”, one can face some “lower” treatment in the end.

By the way, it appears to be seen as normal in men - choosing women who have had less education, who make less money, are shorter and so on and so forth. I suppose those “managerial” women turn into men in that aspect and they want another subordinate because they can’t stand equals. I remember complaining about this with regard to younger ones that you could call “premanagerial” because they’ll most likely end up in those positions. I don’t really care now. Perhaps caring before was a sign of low self-esteem in myself? Hah…

No,no, I just meant that perhaps the young men these women choose grow into larger men, if that makes sense.

Of course this theory doesn’t apply to dating relationships outside of highschool.

I was just saying this with my friends in mind. I mean, doesn’t the average guy stop growing around 22/23?

Hmm…oh well, it sounded good in my head haha.

 

[noumenon]

As a child if no one ever loved you or treated you good, mostlikely you will settle for that now. However, you don’t have to continue in that way.Jesus gives you a standered to be loved by.know him and you know what to demand from anyone else…you will know what characteristics to look for in a person.

 

[whatevergirl]

As a child if no one ever loved you or treated you badly, mostlikely you will settle for that now. However, you don’t have to continue in that way.Jesus gives you a standered to be loved be.know him and you know what to demand from anyone else…the same love.

Three lines you post, but yet so powerful. Thank you for your thoughts! I agree. I think the key to loving one’s self…is to love Jesus first. Jesus’ love really is like nothing else, and when you experience it…you won’t settle for someone who treats you poorly.

 

[Galnextdoor]

As a child if no one ever loved you or treated you good, mostlikely you will settle for that now. However, you don’t have to continue in that way.Jesus gives you a standered to be loved by.know him and you know what to demand from anyone else…you will know what characteristics to look for in a person.

Thank you for posting. For a little while, I thought this thread had turned into something to poke fun of people who had made bad choices in partners.

 

[Galnextdoor]

My son actually said the other day, that he would like his wife to be self sufficient when he meets her someday. He doesn’t want a woman to ‘use’ him or marry him to merely take care of her financially or otherwise. He wants to be a good provider someday, he said–but he doesn’t want a woman to look at him to take care of her every need, and that is why she is choosing him. For him, he wants a woman to be capable of taking care of herself, and he said that is what he would find attractive. (coming from the mouth/mind of a 16 yr old male? lol)

I think that you are right chev…many men don’t look at what a woman is ‘bringing to the table…’ as long as she is pretty, or shows affection…that is all that is necessary.

I’m not quite sure where you were going with the idea above. The idea of a totally self-sufficient woman has led to the creation of sperm banks. A lot of divorces have come about because the woman thinks; “I can bring home the bacon and fry it, too. I clean. I take care of the children. I do everything. What do I need a man for?”

So if a woman stays home, takes care of the kids, cooks, cleans, and provides a loving atmosphere for the husband to come home to, is she using him? If she expects him to fulfill her physical and emotional needs is she using him?

I think many of the divorces in this country stem from the fact that men have been taught to believe they shouldn’t have to give in a relationship. A totally self-sufficient woman leaves little responsibilities for a man. It seems that if a man has to undertake responsibilities that come with having a wife and a family, he ducks out because he thinks he’s being used.

 

[AaronK88]

I am a man who settled with a woman who treated me badly. I am young and not in that relationship anymore, but because of our intimate connection and all the good times we had, I would overlook the cheating, and the lying.

Now that we aren’t dating, a part of me STILL wants her back but another part of me knows she is not right for me. Anyone who is so easily able to hurt someone they ‘love’ so badly has something seriously wrong with them.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’m not quite sure where you were going with the idea above. The idea of a totally self-sufficient woman has led to the creation of sperm banks. A lot of divorces have come about because the woman thinks; “I can bring home the bacon and fry it, too. I clean. I take care of the children. I do everything. What do I need a man for?”

So if a woman stays home, takes care of the kids, cooks, cleans, and provides a loving atmosphere for the husband to come home to, is she using him? If she expects him to fulfill her physical and emotional needs is she using him?

I think many of the divorces in this country stem from the fact that men have been taught to believe they shouldn’t have to give in a relationship. A totally self-sufficient woman leaves little responsibilities for a man. It seems that if a man has to undertake responsibilities that come with having a wife and a family, he ducks out because he thinks he’s being used.

I think you’re looking at this backwards. Many women don’t look at all the work they’re doing and then ask themselves why they need a man since they’re doing it all anyway. They look at a situation where they’re doing all the work and get no love or support in return and ask why they are putting up with that treatment if they can take care of themselves.

I agree that if a man doesn’t feel he has to give in a relationship, then he is using her. No, expecting love and support in a relationship isn’t using someone. Why have a relationship if you don’t get that. It’s the minimum to expect from someone who claims to love you.

Some men duck out because they don’t want responsibility. Good men don’t stand by while a woman does all the work. And smart women keep a good man.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not quite sure where you were going with the idea above. The idea of a totally self-sufficient woman has led to the creation of sperm banks. A lot of divorces have come about because the woman thinks; “I can bring home the bacon and fry it, too. I clean. I take care of the children. I do everything. What do I need a man for?”

So if a woman stays home, takes care of the kids, cooks, cleans, and provides a loving atmosphere for the husband to come home to, is she using him? If she expects him to fulfill her physical and emotional needs is she using him?

I think many of the divorces in this country stem from the fact that men have been taught to believe they shouldn’t have to give in a relationship. A totally self-sufficient woman leaves little responsibilities for a man. It seems that if a man has to undertake responsibilities that come with having a wife and a family, he ducks out because he thinks he’s being used.

How does one take words we type here, and twist it to mean an entirely different thing? I never said anything of the kind.

My son doesn’t want a woman to use him. He wants a woman to be educated, not be looking for a man to rescue her from her troubles, be at peace with herself, etc…or look to him to take care of her–meaning give her her identity. He wants a woman to love him for him. There is nothing wrong with that. Of course, he will be supportive when he and his wife have children some day. I’m talking about dating and discerning for marriage. What he doesn’t find attractive is a woman who clings to men for her own identity. That is more of what my son is referring to. He sees it already at a high school level with his friends…girls who cling to their boyfriends, because they have no hobbies, and are not planning to go to college. There is nothing wrong with my son wanting a different type of girl to spend his life with.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am a man who settled with a woman who treated me badly. I am young and not in that relationship anymore, but because of our intimate connection and all the good times we had, I would overlook the cheating, and the lying.

Now that we aren’t dating, a part of me STILL wants her back but another part of me knows she is not right for me. Anyone who is so easily able to hurt someone they ‘love’ so badly has something seriously wrong with them.

That’s true, aaron…sorry you went through this. I also think that type of person has a lot to learn about love.

 

[Galnextdoor]

How does one take words we type here, and twist it to mean an entirely different thing? I never said anything of the kind.

My son doesn’t want a woman to use him. He wants a woman to be educated, not be looking for a man to rescue her from her troubles, be at peace with herself, etc…or look to him to take care of her–meaning give her her identity. He wants a woman to love him for him. There is nothing wrong with that. Of course, he will be supportive when he and his wife have children some day. I’m talking about dating and discerning for marriage. What he doesn’t find attractive is a woman who clings to men for her own identity. That is more of what my son is referring to. He sees it already at a high school level with his friends…girls who cling to their boyfriends, because they have no hobbies, and are not planning to go to college. There is nothing wrong with my son wanting a different type of girl to spend his life with.

I didn’t twist anything. Your meaning wasn’t clear. In my experience, when men say they want a self-sufficient woman, it means they want a career woman who cooks, cleans, shops, takes care of the kids and doesn’t ask for much in return.
I have asked men what they meant about wanting an independent or self-sufficient woman and basically the above is what they describe.
I’m glad to know that wasn’t what your son meant.

 

[whatevergirl]

Gal–I do apologize. I think you’re right:blush: …I might not have been clear. lol

No…my son really just wants someone who wants to be a partner. I can see that from what you post here, that would be a terrible catch–ok,honey…go to work, and cook, and clean for me too.

My son will be a very lonely man, someday, then. Glad we cleared this up.

 

[catholickitten]

I didn’t twist anything. Your meaning wasn’t clear. In my experience, when men say they want a self-sufficient woman, it means they want a career woman who cooks, cleans, shops, takes care of the kids and doesn’t ask for much in return.
I have asked men what they meant about wanting an independent or self-sufficient woman and basically the above is what they describe.
I’m glad to know that wasn’t what your son meant.

Yeah, I’ve had the same experience… There was one that even wanted ME to go work and take care of him financially and everything else when he decided to retire from work

I’m not afraid of work and I’m actually very independent, but he sounded like he wanted me to care of him as if he was a baby…

 

[whatevergirl]

Yeah, I’ve had the same experience… There was one that even wanted ME to go work and take care of him financially and everything else when he decided to retire from work

I’m not afraid of work and I’m actually very independent, but he sounded like he wanted me to care of him as if he was a baby…

Not good at all. That is NOT what I was saying.