Why does it seem like so many Catholic mothers are stay-at-home moms?

[Litcrit]

Sorry, to burst people’s bubbles, but girls/women tend to be a lot more catty and judgmental than men. And we get in trouble a lot because we like to talk and talk and talk and we don’t think about the words that we use a lot of the time.
… We end up taking it personally because we get defensive about our choices. We feel like we have to justify why we are doing what we are doing and not just do it.
Jo

Perhaps there would be less judgment and defensiveness if there were truly more choices. This way, many women feel forced into one of two very extreme choices and feel understandable resentment and try extra hard to keep seeing this as an actual choice, based on good reasons, and not simply having been compelled to choose the lesser of two evils.

Can you imagine this sort of cattiness if things like these were available: maternity leave AT LEAST while the baby is nursing exclusively, parental leave for both parents to use as they see fit, flexible hours, decently paid part time employment for both parents (which combined would bring at least as much money into the family as one full time paycheck), the ability to bring your kids to work and have them near you and be able to see them at all times, but playing with other kids and supervised, working from home for one or
preferably both parents?

If being a SAHM didn’t so often involve being isolated from the adult world for long, long days, unless you actively pursued other moms, often by making a great effort and often with frustrating results?

If being a WOHM didn’t so often involve being away from your kids for long hours every working day starting when your baby is practically still a newborn?

I don’t think I could ever make this kind of choice. I’m very grateful I don’t have to, as I don’t live in the USA.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Can you imagine this sort of cattiness if things like these were available: maternity leave AT LEAST while the baby is nursing exclusively, parental leave for both parents to use as they see fit, flexible hours, decently paid part time employment for both parents (which combined would bring at least as much money into the family as one full time paycheck), the ability to bring your kids to work and have them near you and be able to see them at all times, but playing with other kids and supervised, working from home for one or

…I don’t think I could ever make this kind of choice. I’m very grateful I don’t have to, as I don’t live in the USA.

Well, Litcrit, yes I **can **imagine such cattiness. Of course, it would be a different type of cattiness: fellow workers resentful that some women if they took paid maternity leave and all those other benefits more than once or twice. There would be an unspoken pressure to limit their family size from employers and fellow workers and perhaps even coming from the woman herself.

The average size family in countries that have the sort of benefits you describe is usually lower than what we have here in the US. The fertility rate in the US in 2010 was 2.06. I don’t know what it is in your country, but Italy’s fertility rate is around 1.3. In the US, women are choosing to have larger families than in many of the countries that provide all the benefits you describe.

 

[Litcrit]

The average size family in countries that have the sort of benefits you describe is usually lower than what we have here in the US. The fertility rate in the US in 2010 was 2.06. I don’t know what it is in your country, but Italy’s fertility rate is around 1.3. In the US, women are choosing to have larger families than in many of the countries that provide all the benefits you describe.

The natality rate in my country is 1.6, but one should be careful not to confuse correlation with causation. Europe has had relatively low natality rates ever since the majority of the population moved to urban areas, and much before any of these measures were introduced. In fact, some of the family-friendly measures were introduced *precisely *for the purpose of increasing natality rates, and they have had some success in some European countries. Choosing to have more/fewer children seems to be largely a cultural matter and, in some cases, economical (some European countries are quite poorer than the USA) and practical (everything seems to be bigger in the USA - cars, houses, yards, rooms, families).

I have two kids now and will probably have a third. After my third, I’d be entitled to 2 years of paid maternity leave AND bonus retirement credits, but we have a regular European-city apartment, which means all three kids would have to share one bedroom, and not a huge one at that.

 

[gardenswithkids]

The natality rate in my country is 1.6, but one should be careful not to confuse correlation with causation. Europe has had relatively low natality rates ever since the majority of the population moved to urban areas, and much before any of these measures were introduced. In fact, some of the family-friendly measures were introduced *precisely *for the purpose of increasing natality rates, and they have had some success in some European countries. Choosing to have more/fewer children seems to be largely a cultural matter and, in some cases, economical (some European countries are quite poorer than the USA) and practical (everything seems to be bigger in the USA - cars, houses, yards, rooms, families).

I have two kids now and will probably have a third. After my third, I’d be entitled to 2 years of paid maternity leave AND bonus retirement credits, but we have a regular European-city apartment, which means all three kids would have to share one bedroom, and not a huge one at that.

Sorry to take this thread on a bit of a side track, but I just read a new book about demographics, “What to Expect When No One’s Expecting” and it’s on my mind. You’re correct that correlation doesn’t neccessarily mean causation. Rather than all those benefits causing a declining birth rate, low birth rates may be (as you suggest) the reason why some nations offer all those maternity benefits–to encourage women to have more children because failure to replace the population creates a potential problem to a country’s future.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into a discussion of demographics as much as point out that the types of policies you suggested wouldn’t neccesarily stop the cattiness. I’ve been a full time working mother, a part time working mother and a full time SAHM. I remember some of the politics and cattiness thrown from some of the working moms onto other working moms*,* regarding maternity leave and maternity leave coverage, sick child care, part time work, and a whole host of stuff. If you find the people around you supportive and non-catty, it might not have anything to do with the family leave policy of your country–it might be that you just happen to work with some good people. Or… it could be that you’re so incredibly good at your job without being a threat to the people you work with, they’re happy to do whatever it takes to get you to come back to work. Remember, what you said about correlation and causation.

Litcrit, I always enjoy reading your posts, as I find your perspective and your writing very interesting. I wasn’t kidding when I suggested that the people you work with might just be thrilled to work with you. I don’t know what your field is, but your English writing skills surpass those of many native English speakers here in America.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I would bet that many (most?) religious Catholic families believe that all other things being equal, the most ideal family scenario would be mom staying at home taking care of kids and home, and dad working. I would also bet that most Catholic families would recognize that “all things” are rarely equal, and that variations in personalities (of mom, dad, or kids), job opportunities, and other needs of the family mean that a different setup might be the better option for some families. But those generalizations do come from somewhere, and there are differences in how God created men and women, such that most men will have traits that go along well with being the breadwinner, and most women have traits that correspond with being the caregiver. You will see religious families looking more deeply at “how did God make us?” and “what does God want from me?” and “am I called to sacrifice what I want for what is best for my children?” as well as simply having more children, and being more child-focused. Not that all of those things will result in the answer that the mother must stay “at home,” just as not every mother will agree on “what is best for her children.” As you (the OP) noted, your reasons for wanting to have your children in a daycare situation are not about acquiring material possessions, but about other valid interests. In general, parents who DON’T evaluate these questions from a spiritual perspective are more likely to focus more on material goods, which will most often result in them not staying home.

 

[Litcrit]

Anyway, I didn’t mean to turn this into a discussion of demographics as much as point out that the types of policies you suggested wouldn’t neccesarily stop the cattiness. I’ve been a full time working mother, a part time working mother and a full time SAHM. I remember some of the politics and cattiness thrown from some of the working moms onto other working moms*,* regarding maternity leave and maternity leave coverage, sick child care, part time work, and a whole host of stuff. If you find the people around you supportive and non-catty, it might not have anything to do with the family leave policy of your country–it might be that you just happen to work with some good people. Or… it could be that you’re so incredibly good at your job without being a threat to the people you work with, they’re happy to do whatever it takes to get you to come back to work. Remember, what you said about correlation and causation.

Litcrit, I always enjoy reading your posts, as I find your perspective and your writing very interesting. I wasn’t kidding when I suggested that the people you work with might just be thrilled to work with you. I don’t know what your field is, but your English writing skills surpass those of many native English speakers here in America.

Thank you, that’s so sweet.

I teach at a university and the people around me really are supportive and kind. I work with a lot of women and we had a baby boom recently, which just made everyone really happy. Our Dean is a woman and a mother and the only thing she said when I told her I was pregnant and would be taking my full maternity leave was “Congratulations!”

There also could be a cultural component; where I live, the consensus seems to be: babies are great, we need more babies, and we are all responsible for all of the children, not just the parents. If anyone *were *to say something less than supportive of children and young parents, it would be a major faux pas. Like making a racist remark.

I feel very lucky and blessed in my life when it comes to the work/home balance. Reading about women having to choose between two difficult extremes saddens me. I have no idea what I’d do in a situation like this - I just know either would be very difficult for me. And when I hear about women being *judged *for actually making a choice either way, I feel like screaming.

 

[sweetpetunia]

I would bet that many (most?) religious Catholic families believe that all other things being equal, the most ideal family scenario would be mom staying at home taking care of kids and home, and dad working. I would also bet that most Catholic families would recognize that “all things” are rarely equal, and that variations in personalities (of mom, dad, or kids), job opportunities, and other needs of the family mean that a different setup might be the better option for some families. But those generalizations do come from somewhere, and there are differences in how God created men and women, such that most men will have traits that go along well with being the breadwinner, and most women have traits that correspond with being the caregiver. You will see religious families looking more deeply at “how did God make us?” and “what does God want from me?” and “am I called to sacrifice what I want for what is best for my children?” as well as simply having more children, and being more child-focused. Not that all of those things will result in the answer that the mother must stay “at home,” just as not every mother will agree on “what is best for her children.” As you (the OP) noted, your reasons for wanting to have your children in a daycare situation are not about acquiring material possessions, but about other valid interests. In general, parents who DON’T evaluate these questions from a spiritual perspective are more likely to focus more on material goods, which will most often result in them not staying home.

Very well put

 

[Walking_Home]

Thank you, that’s so sweet.

I teach at a university and the people around me really are supportive and kind. I work with a lot of women and we had a baby boom recently, which just made everyone really happy. Our Dean is a woman and a mother and the only thing she said when I told her I was pregnant and would be taking my full maternity leave was “Congratulations!”

There also could be a cultural component; where I live, the consensus seems to be: babies are great, we need more babies, and we are all responsible for all of the children, not just the parents. If anyone *were *to say something less than supportive of children and young parents, it would be a major faux pas. Like making a racist remark.

I feel very lucky and blessed in my life when it comes to the work/home balance. Reading about women having to choose between two difficult extremes saddens me. I have no idea what I’d do in a situation like this - I just know either would be very difficult for me. And when I hear about women being *judged *for actually making a choice either way, I feel like screaming.

---

 

[mommamaree]

I stay home because I am still having babies and practicing exclusive, full-term breastfeeding. My nursing relationship with my babies is similar to ecological breastfeeding, which requires mother-baby pair to be with each other without long separations.
Logistically and philosophically, me staying home with the kids works. Plus, as a former schoolteacher, I can homeschool and retain my professional skills for reentry into teaching one day.
I would not look down on you for working outside the home. I might consider it unfortunate because I am truly enthusiastic about stay-at-home motherhood at this stage of my life, but that is without judgement. I really feel blessed that this is a feasible option for my family, and want that blessing for all families, but I recognize that not all parents would even want that arrangement for their own family.
Pick any two faithful Christian women, and see how she follows God’s will for her life, and you will never find two paths that are identical in all respects, despite the vocation of both being the same!

 

[mommamaree]

First off… how you decide to lead your life as a parent is not a question of morality or theology. There is no “right” or “wrong” in this area at all. So, if this particular group of women you have met treat you poorly for this decision, then that’s their own fault, and not something dictated by the faith - whatsoever.

Second… I’m a working mom… always have been. I know LOTS of working moms at our parish. In fact, we have a DAYCARE at our parish… where lots of working moms take their Catholic kids. So I’m very familiar with this way of life.

Third… and I think this is the main issue I’m going to take with your post (be patient with me - I’ll explain)… and I understand because I was very similar for a long time…
You have “PLANS” for how you want to live your life… yes, we all want to have PLANS and be IN CHARGE of how our lives are run. I get that natural desire, especially for someone with an A-type personality… it surges through your blood and you can’t help it!
Plans… well, they often CHANGE. If I’ve learned anything as a mother over the years - the biggest is… don’t form hard opinions/plans and expect God to keep you in this little box. It’s nice and easy to “define” ourselves with words and actions (like “working mom” or “homeschooling mom”), but usually God throws a little wrench into our lives and shakes things up a bit. The less we are “defined” by this box we’ve put ourselves into, the easier it is to change to God’s wrenches. So, I HIGHLY advise you to pray a little on the idea of being FLEXIBLE to God’s plan… which is going to be more bizarre than you could ever dream of at this point in your life.

And, this goes for EVERYONE who is highly opinionated on any subject that isn’t a moral/theological concern. I know plenty of hard-core working moms, and I know plenty of hard-core homeschooling moms (and every flavor of every “opinion” out there!)…
Quit being hard-core… loosen up the laces a bit and allow for God’s flexibility in your life.

You really can’t PLAN for everything. Be patient with other’s opinions… let them go… ignore the differences and learn what works for you and your family.
And most of all… be at peace.

Awesome post.
Sometimes I get surprised when I take a step back and view my life as if it were someone else’s life. I totally do not match the stereotype. You would think I was super crunchy granola natural momma, what with preferring midwifery over obstetrics, cloth diapers, ecological breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling, etc etc blah blah blah. But I have been guided along this path every step of the way by God opening some doors and closing other doors. I never thought my life would look like this! So we can have our PLANS, but ultimately it is God’s will for our lives that matters. Saying yes to His will leads us in sometimes crazy, unexpected directions, but it also leads us to peace and joy.