Why is the Catholic Church so unfriendly to singles?

[gcshapero]

Families and seniors get VIP treatment at church.

Singles…second class citizens.

Am I mistaken?

Yes, I realize it’s not a social club, but if there’s no acknowledgement whatsoever that some would-be-parishoners are treated like pariahs, I really don’t what to say.

I can certainly empathize with this.

I was once married and attended Mass with my wife. Eventually we separated, divorced, and at the end of the annulment process.

When I started attending a different parish, this time by myself, it was stark night and day. Assimilating to a parish life as a married man was far easier, more opportunity, and far less awkward than doing it as a young single guy. Parish life seemed to have been designed more for couples, families, and usually women. It seemed being a single man kept you out in the cold.

While you’re right that it’s not a social club, there is still supposed to be an element of community. Single men can have difficulty finding their way into this community, lest you be seen as a “creepy dude.”

It’s not entirely the parishes fault (though I do think the liturgy has become feminized in the West). It’s not easy to cater to every single demographic. We can make do and figure it out.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It seemed being a single man kept you out in the cold.

Given the number of Catholic ladies at church who hope to meet a nice Catholic husband, i would think you would have lots of social opportunities.
Of course, if you’re the type of guy who complains about the “feminization” of the Mass, that might turn them off. Just sayin’.

 

[gcshapero]

Given the number of Catholic ladies at church who hope to meet a nice Catholic husband, i would think you would have lots of social opportunities.
Of course, if you’re the type of guy who complains about the “feminization” of the Mass, that might turn them off. Just sayin’

I don’t think I’d say I complain about it, but it is an observation (not my own either – it’s a legitimate concern people have, including for many women…that’s neither here nor there).

That could certainly be the case. It depends on the parish. If we’re talking about young single men, there are certainly plenty of young adult groups, but sometimes they can be scarce.

At this point, I don’t mind so much – I’m also in a relationship, so it’s not quite a just me, at least not half of the time when I visit my girlfriend’s parish. I’m also a Knight of Columbus, so there is activity. That would also be my advise to young men trying to find their place – see what fraternal organizations are within and get connected. It’s about being proactive.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I agree that this is the type of situation where proactive action by the person affected is necessary. Which could include all kinds of things from starting a group for singles, to looking for another better parish, to looking for things to do at a diocesan level, to joining some group like Knights of Columbus, etc.

One way I found very helpful to meet people, which I know isn’t for everyone but might work for some, is to take some trips and go on retreats that were drawing people from my parish. Because of doing that, I now have a handful of people of different ages (some are single and my age, some are married and some are seniors) who I know from the trips and retreats and I see them regularly at church, so I can say hello and have social time with people I know.

 

[gcshapero]

That’s excellent advice.

Yep, it might not be for everyone, and of course it’s likely not as difficult for some as it is for others. For instance, I’m by nature more introverted so it can be draining when trying to connect with people you hardly know, but it’s necessary regardless.

Checking out retreats, involvement in groups, etc – that’s the right approach.

 

[Pup7]

Also that treating sinners badly doesn’t help with that last bit.

Then there’s that whole thing about casting stones…

Most people who are sinning aren’t going to go around advertising the weird situations going on in their life, for this very reason. They don’t want or need other people’s judgments.

This. About a billion times.

 

[Pup7]

It’s not entirely the parishes fault (though I do think the liturgy has become feminized in the West).

Can I hijack for a post or two - I won’t make it a conversation, I promise - and ask exactly what this means? Serious question and I’m not setting anyone up.

 

[gcshapero]

Can I hijack for a post or two - I won’t make it a conversation, I promise - and ask exactly what this means? Serious question and I’m not setting anyone up.

Great question. It can really mean a number of things, from the aesthetics of the liturgy, to the homily, to the activity at the alter (alter girls, predominately female EMs, etc). One reason why there has been such a big decline of men attending Mass over the past few decades is because they have felt somewhat ostracized. One case I remember was when a priest speaking mentioned that the activity in the Church was for the women – it left a bad taste in many of the gents’ mouths.

Originally, there was a masculine-to-feminine dynamic met between the alter and the congregation which was intended to mimic the bridegroom and bride relationship between Christ and the Church (which is why Men only are priests). This also included only alter boys (which was a sort of introduction to boys becoming priests – in Italy they’re called “little clerics.”)

Homilies have spoken more to the emotions that are more commonly embraced by women since it’s usually a feminine trait – which isn’t bad at all, that’s a gift that women have. Nonetheless, it has created a somewhat imbalance since it doesn’t resonate with men nearly as much.

This is often when many women seem to not find the concern or even notice this, but it’s common for men to say “you know, it’s not as easy for me.” This doesn’t mean now men have an excuse to skip Church – they must go and worship, but it is something that has created a slight divide.

Cdl. Francis Arinze who was the former Liturgical spokesman for the Vatican has spoken a lot about this and how the Mass should reflect the love of both Masculine and Feminine in direction to God, not one over the other.

Although I also know quite a few women who also noticed it and want for more of the Masculine to be present. They want the liturgy to motivate men to become holier and stronger – and who can blame them. If I were a woman, especially one seeking a husband, I would want that for him as well.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Usually when I hear stuff about “feminization”, which is usually on a place like this forum, it refers to a man seeing women assisting at Mass as altar servers, lectors, cantors etc. and using this as an excuse for why he doesn’t like Mass, instead of doing something proactive like stepping up and getting involved in a ministry himself.

I haven’t heard too many “emotional” homilies, at least not since the 1970s ended. A lot of women do not like “emo” stuff either and would rather hear actual preaching about the Scriptures read during the Mass. I feel like homilies in general have moved in a very positive direction in this regard.

In my experience, the main reason why many men end up distanced from the Church are:

• Same reasons a lot of women end up distanced from the Church: they’re spiritually lazy, they’re committing sins that they don’t want to give up, they have doubts about some teaching or faith matter
• They do not like the idea of another person, the priest, telling them what to do or “lecturing” them. I can see this being a stronger dislike for a man than for a woman.
• They feel they can handle whatever discussion or relationship they have with God on their own, without needing to go to church or needing a priest as a go-between.

All of the stuff about “Church is for women” or “When I go to Mass, I just see women and that turns me off” is an excuse for the above.

I have attended plenty of parishes where the split of men to women involved in visible Mass assisting functions is about 50/ 50 or in some cases there are even more men.

 

[HolySpirit]

Thanks for the laugh.

 

[HolySpirit]

I agree that moderation is probably practiced by most. However there are always a couple of people in every larger group that drink too much.

When one of them gets behind the wheel and kills someone, it is going to paint the church in a terrible light. Or if someone gets belligerent and outsiders witness it, it is going to get blamed on Catholics.

There is risk in doing anything, but adding alcohol usually isn’t a positive. People can drink on their own time.

 

[2towers]

I agree with you a 100% I am happy when I get a couple of Nod’s and a smile or two. Families, an endangered species, need all the help they can get, engaging their kids with positive influences, examples, and Christian entertainment, all the way to adulthood themselves. Raising kids today is a daunting task. The “well” that is the world has been effectively poisoned. Families, the core of Christian society need structure, a safe place with better odds to make the kind of friends you would want your kid to have. It is not an easy thing to do.

I am a grownup. If I want to be on the holy rollers bowling league a Bible study group, or even a bunch of people playing cards, it is there for me.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Fair, but I think that’s just a risk you assume when you host an event. You hope everyone behaves responsibly, but ultimately you can’t babysit everyone. Stupid people will be stupid. You can’t make everyone suffer because of what one person might do.

 

[mVitus]

If anything, it gets a little annoying when all of the little old ladies keep trying to fix me up with all of their unmarried daughters.

How many have asked if you’ve thought about the priesthood?

 

[HolySpirit]

Several. It was happening a couple of times per month.
About a year ago, someone must have been telling people that I was entering the seminary, because 6 people congratulated for joining in a two week period of time. That really freaked me out.

It has quieted down, but people now seem to ask when I am going to enter the seminary instead of if. It is funny that so many people take an interest in my future. I don’t really understand it, but I could do without people trying to fix me up.

Have you had an experience with people asking you about your interest in the Priesthood? If you have, a lot of people have told me that it is often part of a call from God.

 

[mVitus]

Have you had an experience with people asking you about your interest in the Priesthood? If you have, a lot of people have told me that it is often part of a call from God.

I’ve had a couple people ask me. Though I was a little surprised when a guy I didn’t know at all asked me as I was leaving after Mass.

And interesting story from you.

 

[Lara]

HolySpirit, something bigger may be at work. The line I think of is: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” Jane Austen (1775-1813), in her opening to Pride and Prejudice.

If you are single, it seems like seniors and married people are always trying to hook you up with a better life. I’ve come to believe it’s instinctual. They’re thinking, “You can’t walk around eating cookies in the Church basement, and looking free…surely there must be somebody who can “solve” you. Surely, you haven’t been able to find somebody because nobody has introduced a potential mate to you.” They’re thinking this regardless of the fact you may already have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

If a married person is trying to sort you out, they are often very afraid that your good looks and scintillating conversation will whisk away their spouse.

 

[KS_Housewife]

I’m not sure why people are having a hard time understanding that single people in a given parish might feel left out and lonely?

Julian, I agree with you. People are perhaps “needy-fatigued”–and brushing off once again the adult post-college singles. At many suburban parishes the parish is made up largely of couples raising a family or who have raised their family in the parish, so the parish is largely made up of multi-generational families. Many of those people use the church’s parochial school if there is one. Many of the social ties in the parish are based on families. If there is community time after Mass on Sunday, often these same people will be the ones to socialize. It’s up to the single to take the initiative to join a group. A singles coffee or potluck once a quarter wouldn’t be too much to ask, or a seminar for living the Christian single calling.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

To be fair as a post university single (albeit in a long term relationship at the time but was attending mass as a single) I didn’t have the best attitude when it came to taking the inititive to join in especially join in with people who I didn’t feel compatible with or find good company.

I remember feeling lonely and frustrated but it’s not as though the parish could have conjured up people at the same life stage for me to hang out with.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

To be fair as a post university single (albeit in a long term relationship at the time but was attending mass as a single) I didn’t have the best attitude when it came to taking the inititive to join in especially join in with people who I didn’t feel compatible with or find good company.

I remember feeling lonely and frustrated but it’s not as though the parish could have conjured up people at the same life stage for me to hang out with.

This is also how I felt. As a post-University young single person, I was living in suburbs where most of the people were fairly conventional young-to-middle-aged people with families. I was a non-conventional urban boho type at the time. There simply weren’t people like me in my local community, let alone in my parish. The few times I made an effort to talk to other people or get involved in some activity, people were friendly and nice, but at age 26 I really didn’t want to be meeting weekly with people who were 60-year-old grandparents. The people in the parish my age usually had small children and I wasn’t on the same page with them either.