Why is the Catholic Church so unfriendly to singles?

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

JulianN:

a special Mass for families every Sunday, with a potluck meal afterward

I’ve probably attended 3 dozen Catholic churches over the last 3 years and never heard of anything like this. The closest thing to it is the “youth Mass” held usually on Sunday evening with guitar music at the Mass and pizza and Lifeteen meetings afterwards.

If I saw a “special Mass for families”, I’d see it more as an attempt to get all the young children at one Mass, perhaps so they could have Sunday school (which one of my parishes does have during a certain Sunday Mass for the young children).

Yeah, my parish has moved to a “whole community” model for CCD where the parents go as well as the kids. So it’s 10:30 AM mass, then a simple lunch/brunch and then everyone goes to class from about 12:30-2. It’s not “families only” but it’s tide into CCD so really only families attend. Fr does remind the parish it’s WHOLE community so anyone is welcome to join in with the adults in their classes. Those who have Safe Envorionment can even help with the meal and clean up, which often the singles (both young and older) do.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

No – it was definitely not that. It was a family Mass that was held at the same time as another normal Sunday Mass. There was no religious ed component involved. I worked at the parish at the time – they just felt that they needed to encourage families more. The promotion not only made singles feel unwelcome; it was especially true for single parents.

I don’t thing it’s intentional, but I’ve worked at a number of parishes, and I don’t think the OP is completely off-base.

So there was something for families and the singles felt left out? Good grief. No wonder parishes can’t do anything nice. Someone is going to get upset that they weren’t included.

 

[Seagull]

I’m single, and I do not see single people being treated poorly at church.

Not to toot my own horn - but being single - gets me attention, not VIP, but good casual interest -

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t thing it’s intentional, but I’ve worked at a number of parishes, and I don’t think the OP is completely off-base.

It’s one thing to say that “my parish doesn’t have enough activities for group X”. As somebody else mentioned, we get those sorts of threads frequently from singles who aren’t in a parish with lots of other singles, and from young parents who have trouble finding activities that provide childcare or work with a busy parent’s schedule instead of on the schedule of some retiree who likely has a lot more free time.

It’s another thing to say, “Seniors and families get VIP treatment while singles are treated like pariahs.” I’ve never been treated as a “pariah” as a single person. if I needed to talk to a priest, he would talk to me. If I wanted to attend some activity like a prayer group or meeting, I was welcome. I’ve had people at the churches I attend, mostly older people who serve as official or unofficial “greeters”, go out of their way to say hello to me and get me a bulletin if I said I was new and so forth. As someone else said, I might sometimes have to initiate the conversations myself, and depending on where I was there may or may not be lots of other single people there, but I was never made to feel like a “pariah” or treated badly.

It would help if the OP would be a little more clear on where this is coming from and exactly what happened to trigger this rather extreme response. I don’t think the fact that there is a special Mass for families, that might include children’s activities or child care or food or whatever, equates to treating singles like second-class citizens because there isn’t a corresponding “singles Mass”.

 

[TC3033]

Tis_Bearself:

JulianN:

a special Mass for families every Sunday, with a potluck meal afterward

I’ve probably attended 3 dozen Catholic churches over the last 3 years and never heard of anything like this. The closest thing to it is the “youth Mass” held usually on Sunday evening with guitar music at the Mass and pizza and Lifeteen meetings afterwards.

If I saw a “special Mass for families”, I’d see it more as an attempt to get all the young children at one Mass, perhaps so they could have Sunday school (which one of my parishes does have during a certain Sunday Mass for the young children).

Yeah, my parish has moved to a “whole community” model for CCD where the parents go as well as the kids. So it’s 10:30 AM mass, then a simple lunch/brunch and then everyone goes to class from about 12:30-2. It’s not “families only” but it’s tide into CCD so really only families attend. Fr does remind the parish it’s WHOLE community so anyone is welcome to join in with the adults in their classes. Those who have Safe Envorionment can even help with the meal and clean up, which often the singles (both young and older) do.

Have you been doing this program for some time? Does it actually work? I ask out of pure curiosity as this would completely bomb (especially with the times it’s at) at my wife’s church. They had a hard enough time with Family Faith Formation this year…getting parents for 90 min one Wed and families to stick around for an hour after Mass once a month…it was a complete dud.

 

[TC3033]

Families and seniors get VIP treatment at church.

Singles…second class citizens.

Am I mistaken?

Yes, I realize it’s not a social club, but if there’s no acknowledgement whatsoever that some would-be-parishoners are treated like pariahs, I really don’t what to say.

IDK, about that. From a family stand point we far from get the VIP treatment.

However, it is very true in Protestant churches.
They - play that game - big time -
except seniors usually get the shaft - unless they got money - and dress fancy !

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Have you been doing this program for some time? Does it actually work? I ask out of pure curiosity as this would completely bomb (especially with the times it’s at) at my wife’s church.

It’s very popular in our area.

One parish has been doing it for about 5 years, the other about 3 that do it on Sunday. One does it every other week, one does it once a month for 3 hours after church. The one that’s once a month has a lot of people from outside the parish who wouldn’t otherwise come. Another parish does it two times a month on Friday. Free dinner at 6 then CCD for 2 hours. Parents like it better–rather than once a week they only have a monthly/bi-weekly obligation and they tend to do the “homework” and meet up more because they feel close and bonded to each other rather than waiting in their cars.

And honestly, I think it’s the free food. Spaghetti is not going to cost the parish that much, nor rice and beans, nor pancakes, but for a parent not to have to cook, it can mean the world.

 

[JulianN]

It wasn’t ‘something,’ it was virtually everything. Almost all activities at the parish were aimed at two-parent families with children. As I said, it wasn’t intentional, but it definitely left a lot of single people, particularly single parents, feeling as if there was nothing available for them.

It’s one thing for parishes to do something nice for families – but there can also be nice things for people who are already lonely because they don’t have a family.

 

[HolySpirit1]

no you are right, there are what is it " marriage encounter weekends " or special blessing day for married couples of 5 yrs 10 yrs on up, parish halls might host something designed for couples … Parishes do become social clubs to a degree, they shouldn’t but they do. Just look at who is running held office positions in a parish and then try to run for that poistion or office and you will need a miracle to oust that member that has held that position for years.

Some parishes do offer young adult groups which range from 20-30 yrs old, youth groups range in ages ,

But as for singles, some might say your local parish pot luck is " for singles " or rather that singles are welcome.

But no there isn’t a singles club , or a singles night , or a singles speed dating session at a local parish hall.

Not because singles are second class citizens but because there is probably not enough people asking for such an event to be held, and also you have to consider how much money an event can bring in for a parish or parish hall event. Because turning the lights on isn’t free.

The only real answer I can fathom and I am sure someone has already said this in the 20 some odd responses that I have not bothered to read, is to make yourself available to host a singles function. Post an ad in your local parish bulletin ( which isnt free either ) that you are going to host a singles night some where in town , a B,Y,O,B or charge 5 bucks admission if you are providing drinks n snacks, or do a potluck, and or check to see if the parish hall is available, and if there would be a cost to using the hall for a singles function. An again charge accordingly.

If you want to see any change you have to be the one to lead the way, one cant wait for someone else to take up an idea and run with it because one is too afraid or doesnt have the time and or money to do what ever.

Same goes for politics, no one likes a corrupt government, but not many people want to do anything more than the bare minimum to make something happen.

 

[JulianN]

Agreed. I don’t think it was a singling out (you should excuse the expression), but more a lack of thought. I wouldn’t use VIP/pariah, but more that there was a deliberate intentionality about catering to families without a lot of thought given to those who weren’t part of one.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

So i guess the next question is, if there were a number of single people at the parish perceiving this lack of activities, did one or more of them approach the pastor and mention it and maybe offer to start a Bible study or a meetup group or something?

Did anyone look to see if there was a program aimed at singles at the diocesan level? One of my dioceses has things like “Theology on Tap” advertised for diocese-wide, probably so that singles can meet other singles who aren’t necessarily in their parish, which is helpful when a single person happens to be living in an area that is mostly families or seniors.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

It wasn’t ‘something,’ it was virtually everything. Almost all activities at the parish were aimed at two-parent families with children. As I said, it wasn’t intentional, but it definitely left a lot of single people, particularly single parents, feeling as if there was nothing available for them.

It’s one thing for parishes to do something nice for families – but there can also be nice things for people who are already lonely because they don’t have a family.

The parish was putting effort into something. Yes, it can “leave people out” but it was meeting a need. They were affecting a change.

Want something different? Ask for it.

One of the parishes around me has an entire senior ministry. It is meant to reach out to the community as well as the parish. Classes for seniors like computer literacy and how to find a part-time job. They have Senior lunches, flu-shot clinics and are a hub for meals on wheels.

The truth of the matter is EVERYONE is needy. People can only put so much time and effort into things. It takes a large number of committed volunteers to make things happen. I help run a singles/YA group. If people actually want something, it will happen.

 

[TC3033]

Ya, free food will do that.

Around here, that program would never work (nothing against your parish, kudos for the program working). Here they switched from Wed afternoon CCD and a meal afterwards to the FFF platform and didn’t reduce the price (Wed afternoon included: bussing from public school, snack, class (and materials), and meal afterwards). That made a lot of families pretty upset (what are we paying for if WE have to do all the work).

First couple parent nights and family day were well attended (over 100 families) but the last month there were about 30 adults at parent night, and at family day there was about 15 families. I asked my wife which families…couldn’t name them, so it didn’t really make us that close.

I think in the end the parish is actually going to end up losing families over the change rather than retaining…let alone adding.

 

[JulianN]

People did mention it to the pastor and were told they could try to start something – but weren’t given the encouragement or budget that family ministries and activities received. The parish was a few blocks from a university, and surrounded by student apartments and houses, so it’s not as if there weren’t singles in the area.

I think it was simply that the pastor and parish leaders felt that it was imperative to encourage families and support marriage. Those are worthy things, but they did lead to some people feeling the parish was not particularly welcoming to those without partners and/or children.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Ya, free food will do that.

Around here, that program would never work (nothing against your parish, kudos for the program working). Here they switched from Wed afternoon CCD and a meal afterwards to the FFF platform and didn’t reduce the price (Wed afternoon included: bussing from public school, snack, class (and materials), and meal afterwards). That made a lot of families pretty upset (what are we paying for if WE have to do all the work).

First couple parent nights and family day were well attended (over 100 families) but the last month there were about 30 adults at parent night, and at family day there was about 15 families. I asked my wife which families…couldn’t name them, so it didn’t really make us that close.

I think in the end the parish is actually going to end up losing families over the change rather than retaining…let alone adding.

Wednesday night is terrible timing…that’s a school/work night. Not surprised it didn’t work.

It works well in my area. About half the parishes are whole Community vs traditional CCD.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

People did mention it to the pastor and were told they could try to start something – but weren’t given the encouragement or budget that family ministries and activities received. The parish was a few blocks from a university, and surrounded by student apartments and houses, so it’s not as if there weren’t singles in the area.

I think it was simply that the pastor and parish leaders felt that it was imperative to encourage families and support marriage. Those are worthy things, but they did lead to some people feeling the parish was not particularly welcoming to those without partners and/or children.

Oh please, please, please give college kids their own group and don’t lump them in with young working adults. Disaster waiting to happen.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The parish was a few blocks from a university, and surrounded by student apartments and houses, so it’s not as if there weren’t singles in the area.

I have lived near many universities, and my experience has been that the university generally has a Newman Center and the Catholic students, alums, others involved with the campus generally find the programs for the young adult singles there. The local parish on the other hand is more oriented towards serving the needs of the local residents, families who have put down roots in the area, seniors who are there long term etc. than serving the needs of college students who are mostly transient and often do not bother to register with the parish.

Where I am sitting right now there is a local parish and a Newman Center about one mile apart. The college students do some service projects in conjunction with the local parish, but other than that, the local parish doesn’t have much for young singles. The Newman Center has a lot of dinners, Bible study, trips etc oriented towards the college students.

 

[JulianN]

I’m not disagreeing – but people’s feelings can’t just be dismissed out of hand. We had people who felt hurt and excluded. They asked for more, and were essentially brushed off. For the record, I was neither single nor without a family at that time, so this wasn’t my complaint. But I was on staff, and I heard people’s hurt and saw what the response was.

I’m just saying that it isn’t completely unreasonable to think that the OP might be in a parish where the perception is that singles (particularly middle-aged women who are single) are not as important to the parish as families.

 

[TC3033]

Actually…Wed worked really well. It was the only reason my wife switched to that parish. With dinner we could usually be out of there by 5:30.

A lot of churches are switching over to the FFF program around here. We’re looking at switching to one of the last class based CCD programs in the area next year.

One caveat (for us anyway) with me not being Catholic, the FFF program can really put more weight on my wife’s shoulders to run the program. I usually try to help by being the one to attend the parent meetings, but sometimes that can be a bit much.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

particularly middle-aged women who are single

OK, now there’s another qualifier. We’re not talking about college students here but “middle aged women”.

The middle-aged single women I see around parishes are often some of the most active in ministries and Church activities for one reason or another. One reason being that they have more time than the moms (unless you meant single moms, which I think XV already addressed).