Why is the Catholic Church so unfriendly to singles?

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I’m not disagreeing – but people’s feelings can’t just be dismissed out of hand. We had people who felt hurt and excluded. They asked for more, and were essentially brushed off. For the record, I was neither single nor without a family at that time, so this wasn’t my complaint. But I was on staff, and I heard people’s hurt and saw what the response was.

I’m just saying that it isn’t completely unreasonable to think that the OP might be in a parish where the perception is that singles (particularly middle-aged women who are single) are not as important to the parish as families.

I helped run a young adult group. I get some of it. But I also get the energy both from individuals and the parish that it needs to happen. It’s the type of energy that really needs to be a focus and takes away from many other things.

People will aways “be upset” that’s a given.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

Actually…Wed worked really well. It was the only reason my wife switched to that parish. With dinner we could usually be out of there by 5:30.

A lot of churches are switching over to the FFF program around here. We’re looking at switching to one of the last class based CCD programs in the area next year.

One caveat (for us anyway) with me not being Catholic, the FFF program can really put more weight on my wife’s shoulders to run the program. I usually try to help by being the one to attend the parent meetings, but sometimes that can be a bit much.

I can’t immagine it working well around here for middle/high school students. While dismissal is at 2:30 only about half the students leave. Most are at school until 4/4:30 with sports/theatre/band and other extras.

 

[JulianN]

I only added that because of the perception that singles would be best served by the Newman Center at a university – even if they’d already graduated or might have aged out of the normal Newman activities.
It was not just middle-aged people who felt left out – in fact, it was mostly younger people who were finished with university and who wanted to belong to a parish, but felt there wasn’t a lot there for them.

I’m not sure why people are having a hard time understanding that single people in a given parish might feel left out and lonely?

 

[TC3033]

That program was K-6, I believe the 7-10 came for the meal at 5 then went to class at 5:30…(or 6?).

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

That program was K-6, I believe the 7-10 came for the meal at 5 then went to class at 5:30…(or 6?).

Yeah, that’s still cutting it close for the older once. It’s nice it worked for your family,with the working Friday/Sunday programs that have been in place for years here, I just don’t see a weeknight ever getting off the ground.

 

[TC3033]

I think that’s still how they do the 7-10 program (IDK, none of my kids are that old), that or it may be Sunday nights now? The FFF program is only K-6.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m not sure why people are having a hard time understanding that single people in a given parish might feel left out and lonely?

We’re not “having a hard time”. We have had about a dozen threads on various groups of people, including young singles, possibly feeling “left out and lonely” in parishes, especially when they are not living in some urban area or in a place where there are lots of other young Catholic singles. It gets a bit old when people seemingly just want to vent and not take any of the advice given about looking around for activities or starting some themselves.

This is not news to anyone. I felt it a bit myself when I was 21 and going to church in the suburbs (30 years ago). However, in those days I did not have access to the Internet to see stuff going on at the diocese level or in other parishes in the area. Nor were people unwelcoming or unfriendly. Not having a lot of activities is very different from “treated like a pariah” or “treated like a second class citizen”.

I suspect some of what post-college people feel (having been there myself) is the sudden transition from a place where you were around dozens of people your age, with lots and lots of activities targeted at your age group, out into a world where things do not necessarily revolve around the young single person and one might have to make one’s own social opportunities by being more outgoing and active, seeking a different parish if the one you’re in is totally hopeless, and in addition nowadays you can make use of the Internet to see what is going on in a way I couldn’t do 30 years back. Churches have always been more targeted towards long-term residents who put money and time into the church. You heard from the young single person above who is involved in a bunch of ministries at his church and has no problem meeting people or feeling welcome.

It’s pretty understandable that a church might be more focused on the needs of a family with 5 people in it, or an elderly person who has been a parishioner for 30 years, than some young single person who just showed up and might be moving somewhere else next year.

People need to be proactive and not just complain that the Church or their parish isn’t doing this or that for them. Moreover, when it’s a young single person without kids, they don’t even have the issue of children limiting their activities and available time and energy.

Be the change you want to see in your parish.

P.S. We have also had threads on young parents feeling left out in their parish, non-Catholics feeling left out in their spouse’s parish, etc…it seems like there are a lot of “special interest groups” who have members who feel “left out” for one reason or another. Maybe be a little more understanding of the fact that virtually every group has people feeling left out. I know quite a few seniors who feel left out and lonely in their parishes too, especially after their health starts to go so they can’t be down there running the parish organization any more, or Pastor decides maybe he wants to get younger people involved in doing some of that work.

 

[HolySpirit]

One of my dioceses has things like “Theology on Tap” advertised for diocese-wide, probably so that singles can meet other singles who aren’t necessarily in their parish, which is helpful when a single person happens to be living in an area that is mostly families or seniors

I really don’t like the idea of the Church sanctioning events at barrooms. While I am 10 years past the age cutoff for theology on tap, it bothers me that the Church thinks that they can’t attract young people in a venue other than a bar. A month ago, the Bishop was the guest speaker at theology on tap. It makes me shake my head.

Couldn’t they schedule at a coffee house, or a cookout or a park. How is it going to look when someone gets arrested for drunk driving? Or, heaven forbid, if someone has an accident that results in a death?

One of the past speakers at theology on tap was arrested for drunk driving and ended up on the news and was in every paper in the state for a week. The example that is being set for young Catholics is discouraging.

I have nothing against drinking in moderation, but should the church be sponsoring events in barrooms?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I’m probably a bad one to ask since I’ve spent a lot of time at bars, but I’m not a big drinker and never was. Usually I was there to see a show or attend an event and my drinking was limited to Coke or maybe a craft beer with dinner. I grew up in a culture where bars were often family restaurants with beer for the adults (not uncommon in working class areas of the Northeast and Upper Midwest) and when I was a child you could find the parish priests stopping by them as well. I see nothing wrong with an occasional church event at a bar, especially since the peer pressure of such an event would likely prevent people getting sloppy drunk.

Having said that, I think the church should also sponsor events at coffee houses, pizza parlors, etc so that those who are not comfortable with alcohol being around for whatever reason have an alternative.

 

[phil19034]

Almost all activities at the parish were aimed at two-parent families with children. As I said, it wasn’t intentional, but it definitely left a lot of single people, particularly single parents, feeling as if there was nothing available for them.

I have to ask, what activity was the parish having that was aimed at “two-parent families with children” instead of simply “parents with children”?

 

[Irishmom2]

The Catholic Church is not unfriendly to singles. It caters to no specific group. Perhaps singles feel left out in general, not just at church. But you are correct, the Church is not a social club, and should not be expected to serve that function, or as a matchmaking service.

 

[HolySpirit]

I guess my main problem is that the Diocese is sponsoring theology on tap. If it was a parish, it wouldn’t bother me as much. The Diocese speaks for all Catholics. I don’t like the message that the location implies.

It would be nice to have occasional organized social and/or educational events sponsored by the diocese at other fun venues like you suggested. It is great outreach. Just keep alcohol out of it. The scandal that can arise from drunk driving or boorish behavior isn’t worth it.

But that is just my $.02. I don’t think my opinion is important or even relevant to the powers that be.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

I guess my main problem is that the Diocese is sponsoring theology on tap. If it was a parish, it wouldn’t bother me as much. The Diocese speaks for all Catholics. I don’t like the message that the location implies.

It would be nice to have occasional organized social and/or educational events sponsored by the diocese at other fun venues like you suggested. It is great outreach. Just keep alcohol out of it. The scandal that can arise from drunk driving or boorish behavior isn’t worth it.

But that is just my $.02. I don’t think my opinion is important or even relevant to the powers that be.

I think you draw two different crowds …Caffeine and Catholicism tended to draw more of the “hardcore” Catholics and vastly more women. The same speaker at the same time at TOT will draw a better mix of men and women and many people who casually believe or don’t believe at all. Honestly, I think it skews more men in all reality.

Bars also tend to welcome crowds and be understanding if not a lot of people come whereas regular restaurants want a more detailed headcount.

I think the beauty of TOT is that it does show that Catholics can get out of the church and the safety of the grounds of the familiar. The Protestant church down the road from me does tons of stuff, but only on their grounds. Every so often they will do a “field trip” with so many implorations about how to “avoid evil” when they are out and about.

I suppose this comes off different where Catholic=drunk but atleast in the Northeast US it works agaist the Religion=Teetotaller/boring/restrictive steryotype.

 

[phil19034]

Having said that, I think the church should also sponsor events at coffee houses, pizza parlors, etc so that those who are not comfortable with alcohol being around for whatever reason have an alternative.

And I would say they do do this. However, the great thing with a bar is that people who are going and keep recruiting their friends all the way up to (and through) the event.

When you book a restaurant, they typically want RSVPs. Same thing with baseball games, etc. But a Theology on Tap event typically doesn’t cost the parish anything (assuming they do a cash bar), unless they bring in a paid speaker.

Also, to be frank, Theology on Tap isn’t designed for the people who won’t to a bar. It’s designed to reach to the people where they are.

The problem with Coffee Shops, is that they are typically small. So while they are great for small discipleship groups, they don’t work for 200 people.

NOTE: I know of a parish in Texas who did an event at a bar called “For Heaven’s Sake, What the Hell is Purgatory?” and used Symbolon - Season 1, Episode 10. They had over 150 people show up. Then, the next time they had a theology event at a bar, approx 300 showed up!

So I think there is a lot of good that can be done.

Also, lets remember, it wasn’t that long ago when Catholics would see their local priest (wearing his cassock) at the local bar, having a pint with parishioners.

God Bless!

 

[HolySpirit]

I think you are probably right about the men and women breakdown, and the hardcore vs. ordinary Catholics. Your logic makes complete sense to me.

I never thought that Catholics had the reputation as being teetotalers like Southern Baptists. I guess I grew up around Catholics who liked to imbibe a bit more that they should. When I lived in the South, Catholic alcohol consumption was a favorite Baptist topic.

Other local dioceses don’t have a 35 year old age limit. I have been invited to go two or three times in another diocese. I never went because it just didn’t feel right, but I would have probably enjoyed myself.

There is something that sticks in my craw about sponsoring programming in a barroom. My first thought is always scandal and legal liability.

Maybe that means I am getting old.

 

[bassmansteiny]

I am a single guy and when i first started to attend my cirrent Parish I kinda felt like an outsider but that was on me because I would just go to Mass, say hi before and bye afterwards to father and not attend any fellowship. I would nod my head and smile to people but that was about it. I was always in a hury to get out. Then I joined KofC, got involved in different things at Church like our garage sales, breakfasts and ect. Now I feel like I am a big part of my community. People, usually my brother knights, will go out of their way to say hello.

I am not saying this is what you were doing but I have found in life that if you don’t put any effort into any kind of fellowship in life you probably will not get much back. If you are putting the effort into meeting people and still getting a cold response then I would probably try another Parish. There is a Catholic Church in the town I live in, I pretty much grew up as a kid in that church. It is a larger church so it is kinda hard to meet people there. I joined a small Catholic Church in a town about half hour away. So much different, they really make you feel like family there. I guess what I am saying is even though we are one big church, each parish is different. Find one you feel welcomed in.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I’d bet you a ham sandwich that the term “Family Mass & Potluck” was meant to

A: Take place at a time when kid’s RE classes are meeting, a way to get kids to the classes.
B: The mass that tells parents “your kids can make sounds during this Mass and not be given the holy stink eye for doing so”
C: The term “Family” refers to the entire parish, because all Christians are family
D: Was not in any way designed to exclude singles, in fact, I’d wager they don’t even run a background check to verify one’s marital status before they let you eat some Jello-salad.

 

[TheLittleLady]

did one or more of them approach the pastor and mention it and maybe offer to start a Bible study or a meetup group or something?

How it usually goes, someone suggests this and they are asked “are you volunteering to help? To coordinate or facilitate? We have materials if you need them, however, the facilities are full every evening, the only time we have space is at 8 PM on Tuesdays or at 10 AM on Saturday. Will those times work? If not, would you be willing to coordinate an off-campus meeting? We can send a message to all of the Singles (or insert any demographic group you wish), can we list you as the contact person?”

And the asker vanishes like the wind.

Parish staff is almost always stretched super thin, they work regular office hours and the Church cannot afford to pay them overtime to also come back and facilitate a group on their evenings.

When someone wants a specific group, be willing to help make it happen.

 

[HolySpirit]

Or find someone like me who has a hard time saying no.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Budget? It does not cost much for coffee and cookies and watching some FORMED content and discussing it after. Or simply discussing the Sunday Readings. Or a book club.

Advertising in the bulletin, announcements and parish social media is free, you simply need to find out the deadlines for submission. Your Diocese also has a free calendar of events.

When you want expand to something that has costs, do a fundraiser.