Wife asked why I didn't receive Communion

[twf]

I agree you can’t lie. “I prefer to leave that in the confessional” is probably best if you don’t believe it prudent to share.

 

[rondirect]

“I prefer to leave that in the confessional” is probably best if you don’t believe it prudent to share.

That answer will leave it open for doubt, something that your spouse will think you did terribly wrong either to violate your vows or to someone else. To hear people say here “it’s none of your business,” "canon law says you don’t have to confess to anyone else, and a number of other rather other lame excuses is so foreign to me and my wife. We are both in complete harmony with whatever the issue is and openly talk about everything.

I am not on the same page with you and some others about this at all. I’m done.

 

[Reuben_J]

1. Just tell them, which I personally always found a lot easier, especially since I was 99 percent certain my husband wasn’t going to end our marriage over whatever it was and I would rather him hear it from me than via gossip or on the witness stand;

This.

1. make some statement like a few people have suggested, “Honey, I prefer to keep my confessions private between me and the priest, and I hope you’ll respect that” which is fine if your spouse is on the same page and you’re prepared to grant them the same courtesy.

Not this.

Having said that, my wife does not ask though. Hehe.

 

[twf]

I don’t know why you feel the need to impose the standards of your marriage on everyone else… placing burdens on weaker brethren that the Church itself doesn’t? No one has said that YOU need to keep things from your spouse… we just aren’t mandating that everyone else pretend they have perfect lines of communication in a marriage between two sinners.

 

[tafan2]

Actually, it’s not a perfect line of communication. The question is very out if line, that likely has no good purpose, that is intrusive, and shows lack of trust. Asking such a question in a marraiage does not indicate a perfect line of communication. But your point is valid.

I do not recall anyone challenging the assertion that it’s the same as asking what a spouse confessed. Do people feel like that’s justified also and should always be answered?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The question is very out if line, that likely has no good purpose, that is intrusive, and shows lack of trust.

Or it could be a casual query or even one asked out of concern, especially if the spouse being asked is not like you and is not going to get all affronted about being asked the question.

You were obviously taught that this was a really bad, verboten question. I was never taught that. Also, if my husband had asked me the question, since I know my husband was never an intrusive type and trusted me very much, I would have known his asking was likely out of concern for me. “Honey, you always go to Communion. This time you didn’t go. Is anything the matter? Are you feeling sick to your stomach?”

I think this is an area where we all just have to accept that different couples have different communication styles, different ideas about what they think is “intrusive”, and may have been taught different things about confession.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

Even if my spouse agrees, a heard hearted spouse will still judge.

Are you married?

Some of your comments strike me as a bit controlling. Do you feel entitled to know ALL the inner workings of your spouse’s mind and soul? And, do you really think she is being prideful if she’d prefer to keep some thoughts to herself? Do you feel slighted at the mere thought that you might not be able to know everything? Would you make her feel guilty for not telling you? Would you use manipulation in order to try to force her to tell you? Would you assume the worst if she decided not to make you privy to her every thought? If you assumed the worst or guilt tripped her or manipulate her, would you be guilty of sin?

 

[rcwitness]

Actually, it’s not a perfect line of communication. The question is very out if line, that likely has no good purpose, that is intrusive, and shows lack of trust. Asking such a question in a marraiage does not indicate a perfect line of communication. But your point is valid.

Lack of trust? That makes no sense. Obviously the brother is at variance with Jesus through sin, yet he would demand to assign these sinister descriptions toward an act of charity and mercy?

I do not recall anyone challenging the assertion that it’s the same as asking what a spouse confessed. Do people feel like that’s justified also and should always be answered?

It’s definitely not the same thing, since one is in two different states.

Therefore, ideally, the spouse does not have the urgency of continued harm occurring (to self and others).

 

[rcwitness]

I am married.

And why do you assume I would only appreciate my wife trusting my forgiveness and help in the Lord if I asked her? I actually would prefer my wife to care about our walk with Jesus, and ask me when I am at odds with Christ!

Not to mention, if the sin is related to behavior which was hurtful to the family, apology goes hand in hand with “do penance”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

That answer will leave it open for doubt, something that your spouse will think you did terribly wrong either to violate your vows or to someone else.

This applies to some people, I would pray to only a few. As Christians we know rash judgement is a sin, we know that charity bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

And the nitty gritty is, trust is part of marriage. If I am so suspicious of my spouse that I will think my spouse did something “terribly wrong” my marriage needs work.

Many years ago, a young woman who worked for me became unhappy. We moved offices, downsized to save money and stay in business. She was one of the few who kept her job because she was good at it. She did not like the location and size of her new cubicle. She had more of a mini-office in the plush building, as did all of her peers. We moved down to small cubicles. Heck, I did not even have a cubicle, I took just a desk in the hall!

Anyway, she was enraged and decided to tell everyone that she was having an affair with my husband! She would even call me at home saying how good he was in bed, gory details, etc.

You know what I did, I found it hilarious! Because I did not even have 1% doubt in my husband’s fidelity. Not a drop, not a smidgen. We had been married around 7 years then, we did not have decades of life experiences yet. My husband was not Catholic, was very secular, we he worked 3 week rotating swing shifts, he had plenty of opportunity (this young woman knew his work schedule so she would call and say she was with him at a time when I had been at work and I knew he was not working, she was clever!).

I don’t suspect my friends of doing things behind my back to betray me, why would I suspect my husband?

 

[rondirect]

You know what I did, I found it hilarious! Because I did not even have 1% doubt in my husband’s fidelity. Not a drop, not a smidgen. We had been married around 7 years then, we did not have decades of life experiences yet. My husband was not Catholic, was very secular, we he worked 3 week rotating swing shifts, he had plenty of opportunity (this young woman knew his work schedule so she would call and say she was with him at a time when I had been at work and I knew he was not working, she was clever!).

I don’t suspect my friends of doing things behind my back to betray me, why would I suspect my husband?

With all due respect, naive. Are you watching the news lately? So many men with years and years of marriage behind them with wives saying the same thing, only to find out that their husbands have been living secret lives for decades. But, we are now way off topic perhaps.

 

[rondirect]

I don’t know why you feel the need to impose the standards of your marriage on everyone else…

I am doing nothing of the sort. I am just posting my viewpoint. I know that no one said to keep things from my loving wife. Why did you state that? You do what you want and if that means that you tell your wife, “none of your business,” that’s your business. I could care seriously care less. I guess that I respect my wife and our marriage more from what I can assume from your postings. I could be wrong, but that’s what I feel.

Peace.

 

[rcwitness]

TheLittleLady:

You know what I did, I found it hilarious! Because I did not even have 1% doubt in my husband’s fidelity. Not a drop, not a smidgen. We had been married around 7 years then, we did not have decades of life experiences yet. My husband was not Catholic, was very secular, we he worked 3 week rotating swing shifts, he had plenty of opportunity (this young woman knew his work schedule so she would call and say she was with him at a time when I had been at work and I knew he was not working, she was clever!).

I don’t suspect my friends of doing things behind my back to betray me, why would I suspect my husband?

With all due respect, naive. Are you watching the news lately? So many men with years and years of marriage behind them with wives saying the same thing, only to find out that their husbands have been living secret lives. But, we are now way off topic perhaps.

And sexual fidelity is only one form of hurtful infidelity. There are many dangerous sins that others should know about.

Why should I think my spouse is incapable of betraying me, and putting us in a damaging situation, when obviously they are not receiving because they have betrayed Jesus. What if the savings was lost in an unethical investment? What if they witnessed a terrible crime and have, through omission, allowed an attacker free? There are thousands of examples.

 

[rondirect]

And sexual fidelity is only one form of hurtful infidelity. There are many dangerous sins that others should know about.

Why should I think my spouse is incapable of betraying me, and putting us in a damaging situation, when obviously they are not receiving because they have betrayed Jesus. What if the savings was lost in an unethical investment? What if they witnessed a terrible crime and have, through omission, allowed an attacker free? There are thousands of examples.

Oh, I agree. I was just responding to what was on my mind regarding trusting spouses and to find decades later that they had many affairs. I did say it was a bit off topic. We’re good and I appreciate your responses.

Peace.

 

[TheLittleLady]

pretend they have perfect lines of communication in a marriage

Not perfect, in our marriage we trust each other and we don’t have the need to snoop.

We have the same password on our phones because it is much easier to say “honey, will you please text the office and tell them I am running late” and not to have to worry about remembering two passwords. We each have the other’s email account on our phone because if something happens (hospitalizations are what are common in our home) and the electric bill comes to his email, I need to be able to step in and pick that up.

If you do not have trust, work on it.

 

[rcwitness]

It’s not about trusting your spouse will never sin. They are human, and capable of betrayal. Not receiving Eucharist is a sign that they are not right with Jesus, through their fault.

To say, my spouse may betray Jesus, but they would never do something against me which I do care to know about because I can help.

 

[TheLittleLady]

My spouse sins. I sin.

Thing is, I trust that my spouse will remain faithful. My husband is a man of integrity. If he should commit the sin of adultery, unless there is a child conceived or an STD contracted, that sin does not involve me. He feels exactly the same way about me. He trusts me. Neither would have married someone who we thought capable of adultery.

 

[rcwitness]

Thing is, I trust that my spouse will remain faithful.

Hmmm… so he has never had to refrain from Eucharist at all?

 

[TheLittleLady]

When you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.

Either of us refraining from the Eucharist does not trigger a “SWEET HEAVENS THEY ARE CHEATING ON ME” reaction. Most of us sin in very boring ways.

 

[twf]

My wife isn’t Catholic and doesn’t go to Mass, so the question of whether I receive doesn’t come up… I was speaking more to the OP and others in similar situations.