Wife does not like my mom so I can't visit

[Tom_B]

My wife always makes it very difficult for me to see my extended family. I have 3 children ages 1, 5 and 6 and my widow mom hardly knows them. We are a Catholic Family, go to church regularly. My mom is a bit boisterous fun loving lady. My wife for some reason thinks she is evil and tries to limit any interaction between my children and her. Another holiday approaches – Thanksgiving I would like to see my Mom, divorced Brother and my two nieces and my brother’s girl friend but the wife is putting a damper on this. If I go she says then my Family will not be invited to an upcoming birthday party for my oldest son. She is quite controlling and will have here way with this. She has a lot of control over the kids being a stay at home mom. The kids love her and always take her side.

This problem happed around the time of my second child and it seems to keep getting worse. The wife blames me saying I don’t stand up for her.

Any advice.

 

[La_Chiara]

Is your brother’s girlfriend a live-in girlfriend? Is it possible that there is more to this story that you are not telling us? For example, that your wife objects to exposing your children to what she sees as the immoral behavior of your family?

It strikes me as odd that you are characterizing your wife (and the mother of your three children) as “controlling”. Seems like you two may have other marital issues and you might benefit from some marital counseling or a talk with your priest.

 

[Tom_B]

They are both from divorced families but live in seperate houses. I still think that my wife should not make it this difficult to visit on holidays.

 

[Tom_B]

We’ve went to consoling a few times but It became difficult having 3 kids. The wife does not like to leave them with anyone. Beside she breast feeds the youngest. We’ve had our Priest over. but he was not able to take sides or offer much advice besides telling us to see a counselor.

 

[La_Chiara]

Tom, I am a woman and a wife of 20 years. Based on my personal experience, and my knowledge of my friends’, sisters’, and other women’s marriages, I would say that one of the worst things that a husband can do to his wife is to side with his mother over his wife. Until you categorically stand with your wife in these minor matters, your marriage will suffer. You are married to your wife and not to your mother. I will bet anything your wife senses what I sense in your post–that you don’t agree with her and think she is unreasonable. That is a very dangerous sentiment and will undermine your marriage. The ball is in your court. You need to make it clear to your wife and to your mother that your loyalty is to your wife, first and foremost. Once your wife is assured that you will back her, she very likely will ease up because she won’t be afraid that you won’t support her against your family.

Your wife has gone through childbirth three times to bear your children. Bite the bullet buddy–tell her and show her in no uncertain terms that you support her and protect her. That’s your job as her husband. Do it even if you think she is a little unreasonable. She has earned your support. Give her what she has earned. She sounds like a good wife and mother to me. Be a good husband and father for her.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am guessing somebody in your family, mom, sister somebody has been dissing your wife, probably since before your wedding, and she is fed up about it, waiting for you to notice and stick up for her. think you need to sit down and talk together, with a counsellor if necessary, or a referee, and let her really tell her side of the story. You and your wife are one, a family, and if something is going on that means you have to cut loose from mom and the rest, that’s the way it has to be.

 

[Tom_B]

This sounds like good advice but it seems as though my wife just flat out does not like my mom. I grew up always being close with my mom. I don’t quite get why the strong division here. We’re all suppose to be loving and accepting of our differences. My wife seems to not get it that this is difficult for me to more or less close the door on my mom whom I love. I lost my dad 10 yrs ago to cancer. I often feel I will regret not going to see my mom more. And yes I love my wife too. But this really makes it hard at times.

 

[puzzleannie]

Tom B:

This sounds like good advice but it seems as though my wife just flat out does not like my mom. I grew up always being close with my mom. I don’t quite get why the strong division here. We’re all suppose to be loving and accepting of our differences. My wife seems to not get it that this is difficult for me to more or less close the door on my mom whom I love. I lost my dad 10 yrs ago to cancer. I often feel I will regret not going to see my mom more. And yes I love my wife too. But this really makes it hard at times.

you don’t love your wife, too, as if she is an afterthought to loving your mom. You love your wife entirely, she is joined to you, one flesh. If your mom can’t see this and respect it – and if you can’t – man, you have a problem. sounds like a little guilt at work here, too, either self-imposed, or being manipulated, maybe unintentionally by mom. Your closeness to your mom must give way to intimacy and closeness with your wife. That is marriage. Are you perhaps telling your mom things that should stay between you and your wife, could that be a source of resentment? or mom meddling? You have to let your wife get comfortable enough to tell you her story, and let her know up front you will support her over your mom.

 

[La_Chiara]

Tom, why don’t you show your wife this thread and have a conversation about her reaction? I think you might have an illuminating conversation. But you have to be willing to really listen to her and be willing to change. She has risked a lot to marry you, have three children with you, and stay at home with your children. She probably feels very vulnerable and very dependent on you, and perhaps afraid that you are not as supportive, protective, and appreciative of her as she needs you to be. Consider that possibility.

 

[jimmy]

I don’t think that he shouldhave to cut ties with his family unless there is truely a good reason why his wife is acting like this. If she does not have a good reason to dislike his mom then she should probably be the one to compromise.

 

[La_Chiara]

jimmy:

I don’t think that he shouldhave to cut ties with his family unless there is truely a good reason why his wife is acting like this. If she does not have a good reason to dislike his mom then she should probably be the one to compromise.

Jimmy, no one is saying he should cut his ties with his family. But his post sounds less than supportive of his wife.

This is one of those situations that is critical to a marriage and one that most married women can relate to. I’ll tell you it was a biggie in my marriage and is (or has been) in many marriages. Most men just don’t get it and most women can totally relate. Fundamentally, it is a question of the husband’s loyalty. Furthermore, if his wife is nursing an infant, she is also affected by some pretty powerful hormones and deserves special sympathy if she is more emotional and less rational than usual.

 

[jimmy]

La Chiara:

Jimmy, no one is saying he should cut his ties with his family. But his post sounds less than supportive of his wife.

This is one of those situations that is critical to a marriage and one that most married women can relate to. I’ll tell you it was a biggie in my marriage and is (or has been) in many marriages. Most men just don’t get it and most women can totally relate. Fundamentally, it is a question of the husband’s loyalty. Furthermore, if his wife is nursing an infant, she is also affected by some pretty powerful hormones and deserves special sympathy if she is more emotional and less rational than usual.

I didn’t get that impression that he is less than supportive of his wife. I think there has to be something that he is leaving out that would give a reason for his wifes dislike. If there is no reason for her dislike then she should sacrifice in this situation. He should always side with his wife, but his wife should not put him in a position like this if there is not a good position.

 

[katybird]

I, too, can’t help but think that she MUST give him concrete things she doesn’t like about his family/mother.

Frankly, though, how would we react if this were a woman writing about her husband trying to keep her away from her parents? This is one of those “red flags” they talk about in those “Are you in an abusive relationship?” advice columns. I’m not saying it’s an abusive relationship, by any means. I’m simply saying that there ARE people out there who, for whatever messed-up reasons, like to try and control their spouses and do this sort of thing.

We can’t really say without more information, but I don’t think it’s really fair to assume that, just because she is a breast-feeding, SAHM, she’s the perfect wife and is being wronged by her husband.

I, too, think that the marriage comes first, but unless she has GOOD reasons to object to his family, she’s out of line to try and discourage contact with them.

 

[La_Chiara]

katybird:

I, too, can’t help but think that she MUST give him concrete things she doesn’t like about his family/mother.

Oh, I’ll bet the wife has told Tom B exactly and in no uncertain terms what her objections are. But he is looking for sympathy and hasn’t shared those reasons with us! Trust me, she has told him. But he doesn’t think her objections are reasonable. And as long as he doesn’t bite the bullet and support his wife, he will have an unhappy wife. I’ll bet you anything.

 

[jimmy]

La Chiara:

Oh, I’ll bet the wife has told Tom B exactly and in no uncertain terms what her objections are. But he is looking for sympathy and hasn’t shared those reasons with us! Trust me, she has told him. But he doesn’t think her objections are reasonable. And as long as he doesn’t bite the bullet and support his wife, he will have an unhappy wife. I’ll bet you anything.

We can’t assume she told him a reason until he tells us that.

 

[Jermosh]

To be honest I would say from your post that your wife is not being very courgial. She needs to accept and respect your right and desire to want to see your mother frequntly, if not encourage it. Now granted if it comes to a point where your mom is controling your life and trying to drive a wedge between you too, then yes you must chose your wife over your mother.

 

[mjdonnelly]

Honor your Mother and Father

 

[burnside]

Tom
Just visit your mother by yourself and pray for the time when your wife will see things differently and your children reach a point where they ask to see their grandmother.Spend the most important days with your wife and children,but make sure that you see your mother very soon after days like Christmas Day,even if you have to go on your own.
I remember people who wouldn’t take advice from me.I think they regret it,because i tend nowadays to follow my own advice,rather than theirs.I decided i wasnt going to be controlled.I am not the most confident person in the world and i think sometimes people latch on to that and try to be the controller.
It is difficult to tell from your post whether or not your wife really has good reason for avoiding your mother.I know i have avoided certain people,simply to avoid any unpleasantness.

 

[mlchance]

If my wife didn’t want to visit my mother, my wife could stay home during those infrequent visits. If she didn’t want the children to come with me, that’d be just too bad, because I will not deprive my children of contact with their grandparents.

– Mark L. Chance.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

La Chiara:

Oh, I’ll bet the wife has told Tom B exactly and in no uncertain terms what her objections are. But he is looking for sympathy and hasn’t shared those reasons with us! Trust me, she has told him. But he doesn’t think her objections are reasonable. And as long as he doesn’t bite the bullet and support his wife, he will have an unhappy wife. I’ll bet you anything.

Dear La Chiara,

You are right about having an unhappy wife. Then again, I cannot assume that the wife is reasonable about this. Dr Laura is famous for telling the person, “well I’m not talking to her right now, I’m talking to you,” which is all fine but from the way Tom talks here I don’t have the same hunch you do. I sense that if he is hiding anything it is just as likely to be to protect his wife from embarrassment as his own family. (Tom you can step in any time and tell me I’m wrong)

Where do I get this hunch? From my own experience. My wife was unreasonable, IMO, about my talking to my own widowed mother on the phone too much. She talked to her mother, who lives here in Wichita, nearly every day but begrudged me talking to my mom maybe an hour or two per week, and whenever I could arrange it I did so when she was not in the house so she wouldn’t have to witness seeing me talking to my mother instead of talking to her. She likes my mother, but thought she had too much influence over me and used to say “we never talk” when we actually talk quite a bit considering we have six children Luckily she has recognized that she was putting me in a very unfair position --having to choose between her and my mother – thus making me choose between whether not to be a good husband or whether to disobey my obligation to honor my lonely mother who lives 700 miles from here and gets to see us maybe once a year.

As a descendent of Adam, if my wife forces me to choose between her and my parents, then as you have implied I’m obligated to take her side, and I did. Then again, look at what happens when a man is forced to make such a decision. For a wife to put her husband in a no-win, damned if you do or don’t situation, is extremely dangerous.

Maybe Bob is a whiner and his wife is a saint, I don’t know them. I do not wish to take sides, but Bob, whether imagined or real, if you feel your wife is making you choose between her and your mother, then you have my sympathy. From the way you talk about her, I suspect you love her very much and do not wish to think she is doing anything wrong; that is fine. If you are as reasonable in reality as you appear on the surface I’m confident you will work it out. Oh, and I hope you don’t mind me talking about you in the third person. It helped me tell my own story better. Hopefully this helps you; if not, then at least it was good for me.

Alan