Wife does not like my mom so I can't visit

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From my Personal Experience…

My husband couldn’t figure out why I don’t like going to visit his Mom…So I told him I would explain it all if he promised to let me say my part and not get defensive at every word I said…so I explained to him the hateful things she has said about me, to me, and worst of all…the lies she told about HIM! I let him know about the things she tells me when he isn’t there…and I also explained to him how it pains me to see him treated so badly by his own mother…
The next time we visited, he noticed the things she was doing, and began to recall how she had always been doing those things…We still go see her, and I have started to let a lot of it roll off my back, because I know that he supports me, and that He loves his mom, but that I am the most important woman in his life now.

Take some time, discuss this matter with your wife again, and just listen…don’t say anything until she tells you that she is finished…I’m betting there is a deeper issue that she has felt uncomfortable talking to you about…

If all else fails…Remind your wife that there is at least one thing she should be thankful towards your mom about…and that thing is YOU…

Jamie
 
Alan–Are you at an impasse with your wife? Does she still begrudge you your relationship with your mother?

As a woman and a wife, my antennae went up at your characterizations of your wife (mother of your 6 children) as “unreasonable” vs. your “lonely mother”. Furthermore, it sounds like you still harbor some resentment that your wife made you choose.

No offense, but you guys just don’t get it. Fellows, this issue is as old as the hills. I am sure someone with a better knowledge of the OT (than me) could come up with many instances of this situation!

Alan, clearly you did what you had to do with your wife. But the way you explained it, suggests that this is probably still a potential flashpoint in your marriage. Maybe this is just one that most couples are unwilling to resolve. Your life, your marriage.

As with Aurora/Jamie, this was a big issue in my marriage. Let’s just say when I told my husband about this thread last night, he shook his head with a “been there, done that” look.
 
Tom: There must be a reason your wife doesn’t want you to visit your mother. Has she done something in the past to hurt your wife? I’ve been there and am still there. My MIL goes around our small town telling half truths and lies about me. I could handle her talking about me, but the day she started gossiping and telling half truths about my innocent 13 year old DD and then starting talking badly about my mother, who is by the way “good and gold” to everyone, that was the last straw for me. I don’t tell my DH he can’t see his mother, but I don’t go within 10 ft of her. By the way, we have children from previous marriages which makes the issue worse. Also, I am expecting our first child (unplanned) in April. Frankly, at this point, I don’t want her near me nor my baby. Am I wrong? Considering she has feed alcohol and cigarettes to her teenaged grandson and tells lies about people, I think I have good reason. God requires us to forgive, but doesn’t require us to live with or be closely associated with them. There is a difference. My DH is a lot more strong willed about his mother then you probably because his first wife left him and his mother babied him and took care of him. DH thinks if he chooses me over his mother and I leave him he will have no one. DH is a “mommies boy”… Maybe your wife is fearful that you will turn against her if you visit your mother. You really need to reassure your wife that if you visit your mother it will not change your relationship with her, but that is easier said than done. Good luck and may God bless you.
 
La Chiara:
Alan–Are you at an impasse with your wife? Does she still begrudge you your relationship with your mother?
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No. She realized how much pain I was in over this and we worked together to deal with it. I don’t talk my mother much more as far as minutes per week, but things are better now. It took quite a while for her resentment to leave her heart as well as her mind.
As a woman and a wife, my antennae went up at your characterizations of your wife (mother of your 6 children) as “unreasonable” vs. your “lonely mother”. Furthermore, it sounds like you still harbor some resentment that your wife made you choose.
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I’m not surprised, because that’s the same way you reacted to Bob. I would have no qualms showing her this thread, and I think she would agree that she was being unreasonable, and that my mother is lonely is beyond question. That said, our recent conversations on this topic have helped me understand her point of view better too, which has helped both of us. I always knew she would never do anything intentionally to hurt me, but she’s only human too and is not one to hide her feelings from me.

I don’t feel any resentment at this point. Clearly since I’m talking about it at all I haven’t forgotten it.
No offense, but you guys just don’t get it. Fellows, this issue is as old as the hills. I am sure someone with a better knowledge of the OT (than me) could come up with many instances of this situation!
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No offense, but I didn’t think you got it either when Bob was posting. You seemed to think that Bob was defensive about his family and relatively indifferent to his wife’s opinion and had some sort of desire to “control” her. I think the whole “control” issue is way overrated; most men would love to do whatever it is that pleases their wives, if they only had a clue what that was.

As far as us men not getting it, please try to give me some insight here what you mean. Is it that women are naturally jealous of their husband’s mothers? Do they perceive (correctly perhaps) that a man’s mother is the standard by which they judge their wives? (After all, as I’ve learned, a woman’s father can be the standard by which wives judge their husbands.) Just what is it you’re saying that we don’t get?
Alan, clearly you did what you had to do with your wife. But the way you explained it, suggests that this is probably still a potential flashpoint in your marriage. Maybe this is just one that most couples are unwilling to resolve. Your life, your marriage.
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Thank you for the concern, but we are quite past it now, like 99% over the hump. My wife is so fabulous that I can’t even describe it. We each feel we don’t deserve someone as great as the other, and we’ve decided that’s a good thing. When problems come up, we work on them aggressively because we are very sensitive to each others’ hurts and want little more than to help them go away.

She still has her ideas about how my mom raised me and what positive (and negative) effects those have had on me, but those insights help me grow as well as helping us together.
As with Aurora/Jamie, this was a big issue in my marriage. Let’s just say when I told my husband about this thread last night, he shook his head with a “been there, done that” look.
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So does he “get it” now? 😃 (or is he still among the clueless male society?)

Alan
 
Marriage is a two way street. The idea you must give up your family to please your wife is NOT healthy. I would say you have some serious problems on both sides. In forty years of marriage, one thing I learned early, is: “Support one another but do not smother each other.”

Your family is part of WHO you are and where you come from. If your wife cannot deal with that, then she has some deep problems.

Her childishness and selfish controlling personality is not healthy. And kowtowing to her mal-adjusted demands is not and answer either. Get thee back to couciling ASAP! If she wants a solid, Catholic marriage, she needs to seek out and destroy her deep seeded feelings of insecurity. You need to get your issues taken care of also, whatever they may be.

I certainly had controlling in-laws too. At least to my mind, but God gave me brains enough to value the good in them, and work with it. It takes years to become a real family and blend two peoples lives. Neither extended families, should be disallowed to suit one marriage partners insecurities. If she hates your Mother, she has to have some deep issues with WHO you are as you are where you come from.
 
Alan–Great response. Sounds like you and your wife have worked through this issue, and come out stronger, as a couple, as a result. You said some great things about your wife in your response. Best wishes.
 
Whatever differences you and your wife have with your mother are to be handled in an acceptable arrangement for the three of you. You are the adults here.

The children, however, should never be deprived of interaction with living extended family - as it is part of their identity and a gift from God - unless the member of the extended family is dangerous (abusive). As adults your children will have questions about the genes they inherited - a health issue may come up some day. You and your wife will not live forever - you can be gone tomorrow for all you know - to whom will your children turn to keep your memories alive and kindled within them and their children over the years - only your wife’s side of the family??

No, as adults, you and your wife have to bite the bullet and continue therapy. Your saying she is controlling really says you are submissive…don’t put it all on her…you, too, have to be firm about what you need from the marriage - and if that includes a relationship with your mother, then your wife needs to come to terms with it.

Neither of you have put it all on the table. I don’t care IF your wife doesn’t like to leave the kids with anyone while you are in counseling - TOO BAD. As a mother who loves to ‘control’ her children then she has the obligation to secure the marriage under which those children are raised. As a father who loves his children you have to work this out with your wife and really listen to what she is saying about WHY she does not like your mother so much. If indeed, once she is honest with you about it, you find that your mother DID offend her in the past or continues to do so, then you have to stand by your wife and confront your mother about it…lay down the rules for your mother under which you will maintain your relationship. Your counselor will help you three figure out the right balance - but **a balance must be struck for the sake of the children. **Right now you are both sending the message to them that once they are out of the house and perhaps married themselves - that they have no obligation to keep you two involved in their lives and children’s lives. Certainly, this is not your wife’s wish, nor yours.
 
Tom,

Whatever differences you and your wife have with your mother are to be handled in an acceptable arrangement for the three of you. You are the adults here.

The children, however, should never be deprived of interaction with living extended family - as it is part of their identity and a gift from God - unless the member of the extended family is dangerous (abusive). As adults your children will have questions about the genes they inherited - a health issue may come up some day. You and your wife will not live forever - you can be gone tomorrow for all you know - to whom will your children turn to keep your memories alive and kindled within them and their children over the years - only your wife’s side of the family??

No, as adults, you and your wife have to bite the bullet and continue therapy. Your saying she is controlling really says you are submissive…don’t put it all on her…you, too, have to be firm about what you need from the marriage - and if that includes a relationship with your mother, then your wife needs to come to terms with it.

Neither of you have put it all on the table. I don’t care IF your wife doesn’t like to leave the kids with anyone while you are in counseling - TOO BAD. As a mother who loves to ‘control’ her children then she has the obligation to secure the marriage under which those children are raised. As a father who loves his children you have to work this out with your wife and really listen to what she is saying about WHY she does not like your mother so much. If indeed, once she is honest with you about it, you find that your mother DID offend her in the past or continues to do so, then you have to stand by your wife and confront your mother about it…lay down the rules for your mother under which you will maintain your relationship. Your counselor will help you three figure out the right balance - but **a balance must be struck for the sake of the children. **Right now you are both sending the message to them that once they are out of the house and perhaps married themselves - that they have no obligation to keep you two involved in their lives and children’s lives. Certainly, this is not your wife’s wish, nor yours.
 
Tom B ~

I live this situation myself, with the exception that we have no small children like you.

I can’t stand my mother-in-law. She is loud, overly opinionated, and has to be the center of attention. And holidays are excruciating. But i have learned to make a positive experience for the entire families sake.

My mother in law and I have had a couple of incedences that for a long time I couldn’t forgive her for. So, I held a grudge with her for a long time. It took awhile for me to reconcile the situation - and my dear husband was patient - although he suffered because of the problem.

Heres the thing: WOMEN ARE SO TERRITORIAL and overly sensitive, and our egos get bruised so easily, and it can get ugly. A wife/mother-in-law relationship can be contentious because of your status in the relationship. It is like a twisted love triangle.
If your wifes situation is anything like mine both of you need to make concessions to make it work. She needs to forgive all the tresspasses that your wife percieves were leveled at her from your Mom. If she doesn’t suck it up and try harder - the entire family will suffer for it. It is wrong for her to drive a wedge here, even if she thinks they are evil. She has a responsibility to honor your parents out of respect for you.

And YOU need to make your wife feel like she is entirely #1 - and you understand the “sins against her” and will protect her. Insure her that you will protect her and will be on her side until she feels for confident.You are right to love your mother - but you must make your wife feel like she is #1, because she is.

Finally, my last feeling is that YOU must take control of this situation. I get the feeling that you are allowing the women to control the situation. Women need strong leaders that are firm with them, but loving and understanding.
Don’t let the women push you around.
Good luck, buddy - you’ll need it. 👍
 
My husband and I will be marries 25 years in June. My Mother-in-law has never liked me and for reasons 1) I am short (5 feet) 2) I have red hair (simulated) 3) I am of Irish heritage 4) I married her youngest son!

I have always encouraged my husband to visit his mom alone. I felt that she may need to know I would never interfere with their special relationship. Has it made things better??? No…she still does not like me for all of the above reasons. She is getting older and needs help…it’s really funny because I am the daughter-in-law that is willing to clean her house…or whatever else needs done…this is because I love my husband and I want him to not worry so much about her. Are holidays any more/less stressful…No, but I have a clear conscious…This is her baggage not mine. Original idea…no…It’s the Little Way of St Theresehttp://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon7.gif
 
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katybird:
Frankly, though, how would we react if this were a woman writing about her husband trying to keep her away from her parents? …
We can’t really say without more information, but I don’t think it’s really fair to assume that, just because she is a breast-feeding, SAHM, she’s the perfect wife and is being wronged by her husband…I, too, think that the marriage comes first, but unless she has GOOD reasons to object to his family, she’s out of line to try and discourage contact with them.
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Exactly. One thing to keep in mind is that we don’t know anything about Tom B and his wife except that they are Catholic. I gathered that their perceptions are different as to what is rude or evil compared to what is not. Regardless of where these different perceptions come from, what Tom needs to do is facilitate a discussion between his wife and his mom and have the both of them come to some mutual understanding. Now, there is always the risk that neither of them may be open to each other and may just flat out reject the other person. He has to be prepared for that. If that’s the case, I would have to say that his duty is to his wife first.
 

In my opinion, your wife keeping you from your mother is wrong and you need to put your foot down. UNLESS, your mother has been interfering or behaved in an evil manner towards your wife. You really didn’t mention what happened.​

The kids love her and always take her side.​

Why are your children in the middle of your marital problems?
 
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pprimeau1976:
Exactly. One thing to keep in mind is that we don’t know anything about Tom B and his wife except that they are Catholic. I gathered that their perceptions are different as to what is rude or evil compared to what is not. Regardless of where these different perceptions come from, what Tom needs to do is facilitate a discussion between his wife and his mom and have the both of them come to some mutual understanding. Now, there is always the risk that neither of them may be open to each other and may just flat out reject the other person. He has to be prepared for that. If that’s the case, I would have to say that his duty is to his wife first.
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His duty is to God, then Family. Nonsense is nonsense. Marriage takes work. Work is not cowtowing to ego’s on any side. He and his bride better get a grip. Mom is part of who Tom is, for better for worse (That part of the marriage vow means MOM, in this case for his wife to come to grips with.)

Young people have such and unreal vision of what marriage is. Perhaps thats why there are so many divorces. Too easy to assert ones wants above what God expects. Marriage is not easy nor a romantic movie. Somedays it is heavenly, most days its hard work, and in the end it is a Sacrament founded on two becoming one. One in mind and heart.
 
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Marie:
His duty is to God, then Family. Nonsense is nonsense. Marriage takes work. Work is not cowtowing to ego’s on any side. He and his bride better get a grip. Mom is part of who Tom is, for better for worse (That part of the marriage vow means MOM, in this case for his wife to come to grips with.)

Young people have such and unreal vision of what marriage is. Perhaps thats why there are so many divorces. Too easy to assert ones wants above what God expects. Marriage is not easy nor a romantic movie. Somedays it is heavenly, most days its hard work, and in the end it is a Sacrament founded on two becoming one. One in mind and heart.
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You are right in your assertions, but even though a wife has to be mindful of who and where the husband comes from…we must all remember that we were His long before we came into this world. All mothers must be minful of this and is through out actions that a family is what it was met to be in many cases. Also, the in-law must be respectful and giving to your husband’s family…without being a doormat.
 
Thanks everyone for the very good advice I don’t have alot of time right now to make a real lengthy reply. It makes me feel a little better to know that I’m not the only one in this situation. In brief my wife does not like my mom’s personality. My wife is more on the serious side when it comes to raising children. My mom is a very fun loving type. What my mom does as simple teasing stuff like “I’m gone a get you” or “get out of here” to my then 2 yr. old. In a joking way. My wife sees as over the top. Believe me my mom is well accepted and loved by my two nieces. There is not anything real bizarre about my mom. She’s just not like the more serious parents she had. I’ll see if I can get my wife to reply to this later. Thanks again I’ll enjoy reading through all these replies once my children are asleep.
 
Tom B:
Thanks everyone for the very good advice I don’t have alot of time right now to make a real lengthy reply. It makes me feel a little better to know that I’m not the only one in this situation. In brief my wife does not like my mom’s personality. My wife is more on the serious side when it comes to raising children. My mom is a very fun loving type. What my mom does as simple teasing stuff like “I’m gone a get you” or “get out of here” to my then 2 yr. old. In a joking way. My wife sees as over the top. Believe me my mom is well accepted and loved by my two nieces. There is not anything real bizarre about my mom. She’s just not like the more serious parents she had. I’ll see if I can get my wife to reply to this later. Thanks again I’ll enjoy reading through all these replies once my children are asleep.
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Your wife needs to suck it up. She needs to realize that thats your mom and you love her. Just because your wife does not like your mom is not a good reason to avoid your mom and to break the relationship.
 
Dear Tom,

I have a daughter in law who is a very strong feminist and atheist. She says that I have corrupted my son and everyone I come in contact with by my Catholic faith. She has told me that I will not get the chance to “corrupt” their future children (or my son) because she will not allow me to see them. I know that your situation is not as extreme as mine and even sounds like there is much hope to go on. Appeal to your wives’ Christianity and her kindness by quoting the commandment that says you must honor your mother and father and by helping her to see how painful this must be for your mother. I’ll be praying for your situation. God bless you for wanting to please both women in your life. ~Gayle
 
I can barely stand my husband’s mother and 2 sisters. His father can be a pill too. They are VERY well to do, VERY ultra liberal and snidely anti-Catholic. HOWEVER, they are my husband’s family and he loves them. I have learned to turn the other cheek, put up with, and never argue anything (but abortion 😃 ) with these people. Even THAT arguement has somewhat subsided over the years. I figure they are part of the package of my marriage. I’m stuck with them. I just look at it as the lemons floating in the lemonade of my marriage. 🙂
 
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catsrus:
I can barely stand my husband’s mother and 2 sisters. His father can be a pill too. They are VERY well to do, VERY ultra liberal and snidely anti-Catholic. HOWEVER, they are my husband’s family and he loves them. I have learned to turn the other cheek, put up with, and never argue anything (but abortion 😃 ) with these people. Even THAT arguement has somewhat subsided over the years. I figure they are part of the package of my marriage. I’m stuck with them. I just look at it as the lemons floating in the lemonade of my marriage. 🙂
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Good for you, catsrus! Great attitude. We should all emulate you. How long have you been married to achieve such wisdom?
 
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