Wife has given up

[qui_est_ce]

Her therapist pointed out to her how different we are. My wife considers herself more intuitive and “spiritual”. We do share an interest in music and have a common ethnic background; otherwise, we are very different. I keep pushing marriage counseling to develop skills to help overcome these differences to preserve the marriage. I’ve told her as painful as marriage counseling can be, divorce is much more painful in the long run.

When my ex and I went to counseling when our marriage was falling apart, the counselor told us he had never seen two such incompatible people in his life. That struck me like a slap in the face. Instead of getting us to work on our marriage, he encouraged us to move on. It was impossible to get exh to see another marriage counselor because of this. Exh expected me to stay in the marriage without further counseling. I left. Exh was/is abusive NPD, and refused to acknowledge it. I hoped counseling would help us work through this.

Keep praying. Don’t give up. God wants what’s best for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

She cancelled her appt. with the lawyer this week. She’s afraid of having to split all of our possessions. Yet, she doesn’t want to talk to explain her “friends” to a marriage counselor. She has seen her therapist twice, but she hasn’t told her about these “friends”. I’ve explained to her that as much as I have hurt her in the past, these “friendships” are hurting me now and are the main reason I’m seeing my own therapist.

Her therapist pointed out to her how different we are. My wife considers herself more intuitive and “spiritual”. We do share an interest in music and have a common ethnic background; otherwise, we are very different. I keep pushing marriage counseling to develop skills to help overcome these differences to preserve the marriage. I’ve told her as painful as marriage counseling can be, divorce is much more painful in the long run.

She continues to push me away so that she won’t get hurt again. I’ve explained that getting hurt happens in a marriage, and ending the marriage won’t necessarily get rid of the hurt.

I think you are right. Husbands and wives have been as different as night and day since time began. It is not differences that ruin marriages. It is differences that do not learn to dance together. It may be “counter-intuitive”, but it is true. There are scores of marriages between very different people that last and thrive.

Convince your wife that hurts are like car crashes. You don’t prevent them by abandoning your car and looking for a different one. You don’t even make life’s journey safe by deciding to walk the road without the car. You prevent future hurts by looking at why it was you went into the ditch in the first place, so that when you think of ways to keep the same thing from happening again your ideas will be based on true cause-and-effect, instead of superstition. Revisiting the scene of the crash can be traumatic. Give her credit for that. Let her know that you appreciate her fears, but you think she has the courage to do it.

If she does not learn how she got into the hurtful situation with you, trading you in for a new model will not keep her safe from another crash, a crash that could be far worse than the first one. Marriage doesn’t have to be hurtful, though. That isn’t inevitable. If you two learn by what laws of physics you went into the ditch, you may actually learn to go through life without anything worse in the future than an occasional close call. That, you can handle.

 

[TheQuestioner]

Last night my wife said she didn’t know why she is here. Our issues may be due to her having an existential crisis. I told her I can’t answer that question for her, only she can. This morning I asked if she believed that life is a journey, and she does. So, I advised her to focus on the goal of that journey (be it Heaven, enlightenment, or being a better person), and then make a decision about us. She has lost confidence in the Catholic Church, as I don’t believe she got the answers she was looking for when she talked to our priest. She is seeing her own therapist today, but doesn’t want to see a marriage counselor. She also said she has an appointment with an attorney later this week.

I’ve expressed my viewpoint to her numerous times: either lets do the tough job of preserving our marriage, or move forward on divorce. She sees divorce as a way out of her unhappiness with me, but she is not acknowledging all the difficult (financial) tasks that she will need to be responsible for in the future. She also is not thinking of the kids. She was upset that I told her that we would have to seperately move on with our lives if we divorced. Does she still think I will be around to take care of her if we divorce? She can be so naive.

hmm I had a feeling her problem may have been more than just physical or psychological. It may very well be spiritual. Both of you need to rely on God. Not just her, not just you, but both of you.

Man was created to know, serve and love God. She is married, so in fulfilling the marriage vocation both of you can do this best within your marriage. Do not even suggest divorce as an option. It’s not an option.

 

[SonCatcher]

She cancelled her appt. with the lawyer this week. She’s afraid of having to split all of our possessions. Yet, she doesn’t want to talk to explain her “friends” to a marriage counselor. She has seen her therapist twice, but she hasn’t told her about these “friends”. I’ve explained to her that as much as I have hurt her in the past, these “friendships” are hurting me now and are the main reason I’m seeing my own therapist.

Then she is wasting her therapist’s time. The therapist needs to know everything that is happening in your wife’s life if she is to help at all. She is bound by confidentiality laws (kind of like the seal of confession except she can go to jail for violating it).

Her therapist pointed out to her how different we are. My wife considers herself more intuitive and “spiritual”. We do share an interest in music and have a common ethnic background; otherwise, we are very different. I keep pushing marriage counseling to develop skills to help overcome these differences to preserve the marriage. I’ve told her as painful as marriage counseling can be, divorce is much more painful in the long run.

She continues to push me away so that she won’t get hurt again. I’ve explained that getting hurt happens in a marriage, and ending the marriage won’t necessarily get rid of the hurt.

Have you two previously grasped your differences?

Too many couples look at how much alike they are so they act as though they don’t need to work out any differences until they become too painful to overlook. Some get through them. Others wind up apart.

My wife and I have the “advantage” of both being Catholic … and that’s about it. We have no illusions of being alike so we hope we can recognize the differences more quickly and determine whether they are obstacles or tastes. Some of them can even quite painful. But knowing there will be differences and learning how to deal with them really helps them to not fester so long or so badly.

 

[angelerulastiel]

She cancelled her appt. with the lawyer this week.

I keep pushing marriage counseling to develop skills to help overcome these differences to preserve the marriage. .

Congrats on the first one.

To the second one, you can’t force her to see it your way. She will either figure it out or she won’t. You pushing marriage counseling is going to push her away. She needs to decide to go. And the fact she isn’t telling her counselor about her friends is, in a way, good. It means she realizes there is something not right there. Let her work on it. Give her some time. Moving forward to preserving the marriage is what she is doing. She’s seeing a therapist, she’s realizing there is something off about her friends, and she canceled the appt. with her lawyer. Preserving the marriage isn’t going to happen overnight.

 

[SonCatcher]

I think I overstated the therapist’s confidentiality requirements. She can lose her certification to practice if she violates confidentiality and courts cannot require her to divulge the contents of their sessions.

 

[iamrefreshed]

She cancelled her appt. with the lawyer this week. She’s afraid of having to split all of our possessions. Yet, she doesn’t want to talk to explain her “friends” to a marriage counselor. She has seen her therapist twice, but she hasn’t told her about these “friends”. I’ve explained to her that as much as I have hurt her in the past, these “friendships” are hurting me now and are the main reason I’m seeing my own therapist.

Her therapist pointed out to her how different we are. My wife considers herself more intuitive and “spiritual”. We do share an interest in music and have a common ethnic background; otherwise, we are very different. I keep pushing marriage counseling to develop skills to help overcome these differences to preserve the marriage. I’ve told her as painful as marriage counseling can be, divorce is much more painful in the long run.

She continues to push me away so that she won’t get hurt again. I’ve explained that getting hurt happens in a marriage, and ending the marriage won’t necessarily get rid of the hurt.

I know I said I wouldn’t post again but I can’t help it, this hurts to watch.

Tucdoc, as long as you are willing to share your wife with other men, she will go along with you.

They are fulfilling her emotional needs (and likely sexual) while you fulfill her financial needs.

You need to force the issue. No man should share his wife. It makes YOU a poor husband. What can she possibly think of a husband who will share her?

 

[qui_est_ce]

I know I said I wouldn’t post again but I can’t help it, this hurts to watch.

Tucdoc, as long as you are willing to share your wife with other men, she will go along with you.

They are fulfilling her emotional needs (and likely sexual) while you fulfill her financial needs.

You need to force the issue. No man should share his wife. It makes YOU a poor husband. What can she possibly think of a husband who will share her?

:thumbsup:I so agree with you. Doctor’s wife syndrome. She’s got it made financially at home. If she is a SAHM, she will likely get physical custody of the kids and some alimony. Depending on the state, she will get two years to find a job and receive alimony during that time only. She may also stay in the house until the children are 18, as long as she can make the payments. Alimony doesn’t necessarily extend indefinitely until remarriage. She will not be able to take the children out of state without his permission.

I know this sounds harsh, but I’ve seen it time again.

Tucdoc-
Stand up and be a man. She should not go out with other men. What kind of example are you both giving to your kids? Would you want your kids growing up thinking this is normal marital behavior and repeat it in their marriages?

 

[tucdoc]

She has made up her mind, she want’s a divorce. I cannot convince her otherwise. She is scared, but she would rather get a divorce that try to save our marriage. She cannot let go of past hurts and won’t give me a chance to make things better. I plan on living in our house until it is no longer our house and will be as amicable as possible. She is aware that this will take months and will be very expensive. I told her that this will affect the kids now and will make it more likely that their future marriages will also end in divorce. She won’t tell them of the divorce until it is almost final months from now.

Please, everybody, pray that God give me the strength to get through this terrible ordeal.

 

[qui_est_ce]

She has made up her mind, she want’s a divorce. I cannot convince her otherwise. She is scared, but she would rather get a divorce that try to save our marriage. She cannot let go of past hurts and won’t give me a chance to make things better. I plan on living in our house until it is no longer our house and will be as amicable as possible. She is aware that this will take months and will be very expensive. I told her that this will affect the kids now and will make it more likely that their future marriages will also end in divorce. She won’t tell them of the divorce until it is almost final months from now.

Please, everybody, pray that God give me the strength to get through this terrible ordeal.

PRAYER TO ST. MONICA

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

(conversions of our husbands)

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.



Also, go here

 

[SonCatcher]

:bighanky:

She has made up her mind, she want’s a divorce. I cannot convince her otherwise. She is scared, but she would rather get a divorce that try to save our marriage. She cannot let go of past hurts and won’t give me a chance to make things better. I plan on living in our house until it is no longer our house and will be as amicable as possible. She is aware that this will take months and will be very expensive. I told her that this will affect the kids now and will make it more likely that their future marriages will also end in divorce. She won’t tell them of the divorce until it is almost final months from now.

Please, everybody, pray that God give me the strength to get through this terrible ordeal.

That’s a HUGE disservice to the children. They need their own counselors NOW. Waiting until the last moment to break the news to them will be very traumatic.

 

[fosgrove]

Tudoc

My wife and I are going through a similar ordeal and I feel your pain, worry, and anxiety because I’m living in the same hell. Be strong, be faithful, and try every day, even when it’s hardest, to put one foot in front of the other. Be strong for your kids, stand up for what you know is right, and keep praying, especially when you feel like you’re alone in the battle.
I’ve been reading your posts and there are many parallels between your situation and mine. I’ll be praying for you and your family and I hope things work out. This forum has been a huge help to me…I’m sure it’s been for you as well. It’s nice to know there are so many people out there praying and hoping for the best for you.

God bless and I pray both our wives come out of the “fog” and darkness they are in.

 

[tucdoc]

Fosgrove, thanks for your support. I agree that this forum has been very helpful. Being Catholic, I’ve been trying to stay true to my marriage vows, regardless of the situation. But, God has given us all free will, even to do harm, which is what my wife is doing now. My priest and my therapist have said they will help me with an annulment. My therapist advised me to let go to receive peace from God. I will need to let go of half of our material things, and I am realizing that those material things have not brought me the peace of mind that only God can give. I don’t expect my wife to come around anymore. My aunt also advised me to be strong for the kids.

I pray that your situation resolves itself as well, and that you to will find peace of mind through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Tudoc

My wife and I are going through a similar ordeal and I feel your pain, worry, and anxiety because I’m living in the same hell. Be strong, be faithful, and try every day, even when it’s hardest, to put one foot in front of the other. Be strong for your kids, stand up for what you know is right, and keep praying, especially when you feel like you’re alone in the battle.
I’ve been reading your posts and there are many parallels between your situation and mine. I’ll be praying for you and your family and I hope things work out. This forum has been a huge help to me…I’m sure it’s been for you as well. It’s nice to know there are so many people out there praying and hoping for the best for you.

God bless and I pray both our wives come out of the “fog” and darkness they are in.

Hi fosgrove-
I was reading your posts on the other thread and noticed the similarities to tucdoc. I’m glad you found each other. Having gone through the same thing from the feminine side 13 years ago, I can sympathize with your pain. Going through divorce is hell. I worried about loss of income (I was a SAHM) with two small children. I lost a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood. In the end, the house didn’t matter. I moved into my sister’s attic. It took me several years to find a job that paid enough for us to be on our own. The hardest thing was for me to put those kids on a plane at Christmas to visit their father.

I am now stronger in my faith for the trials. My kids are grown. They’re wonderful people. My ex is on his third marriage now to a woman for whom it is her 4th marriage. She has 4 children from three different marriages. They’re loaded rich. Are they happy? Who knows. They think they are. For sure he has alienated his children.

Be persistent in prayer and know that God’s ways are not always our ways.

 

[angelerulastiel]

:bighanky:

That’s a HUGE disservice to the children. They need their own counselors NOW. Waiting until the last moment to break the news to them will be very traumatic.

I would disagree. It depends on whether they can settle this quietly or not. That’s what my boyfriend’s parents did. They got it all settled and the boys didn’t know something was up until their dad actually left the house. It was nice and peaceful and there were no real after effects. On the other hand my parents fought the whole thing out including arguing about the stupid star wars tapes. I knew fairly close to the beginning, so I just spent all my time watching what was going on and noticing all the signs of the divorce.

 

[SonCatcher]

I would disagree. It depends on whether they can settle this quietly or not. That’s what my boyfriend’s parents did. They got it all settled and the boys didn’t know something was up until their dad actually left the house. It was nice and peaceful and there were no real after effects. On the other hand my parents fought the whole thing out including arguing about the stupid star wars tapes. I knew fairly close to the beginning, so I just spent all my time watching what was going on and noticing all the signs of the divorce.

The fact is even “peaceful” divorces where all details are agreed upon without argument are by their nature violent.

It is a dividing of lives. Children have been known to blame themselves for parental divorce even when it is handled well. They may sink into despondence or destructive behavior. There is no way to know how these children will respond until after the fact. Thus, they should be informed and taught how to deal with the change ahead of time. The earlier they are prepared, the better their chance of handling the situation well.

 

[FaustinaClare]

I am a child of divorce and a psychologist. My parents didn’t divorce until I was 17 years old. You would think that it wouldn’t affect me that much being an adult but it did and still does. Divorce is never peaceful or pretty.

TucDoc, You have borne much suffering. More than most people would put up with in this day and age. You are to be commended for your strength and I am truly sorry that you are experiencing this tragedy.

Stay strong and keep praying. The children would benefit from talking to a counselor or a priest b/c children aren’t blind. They probably already sense something is up and are miserable. Trust me on this.

 

[fosgrove]

Tucdoc…thank you for your support and you have my support through this as well. We’re both in a lousy situation but…as you mentioned…we need to move on.

Stand tall…stand proud…be faithful. It’s always more difficult to stand up for what’s true and right rather than give in to what’s easy, convenient, or “acceptable” in today’s totally messed up society.

Be sure God sees all…and he’s proud of what you’re standing for. Every single person is accountable for what they do or don’t do in this life…keep fighting the good fight and God will help you. He’s helped me in incredible ways, although sometimes it’s hard to figure out why things happen the way they do.

Any time you need to vent…you’ve got an ear with me because I can totally relate to exactly what you’re going through, feeling, etc.

Stand firm my friend. Look at all the posts on this forum…you’re not alone in this!

 

[tucdoc]

Well, we went up as a family for a ball game this weekend. My wife pretty much spent the 2 hr drive up there yesterday and back home today on her I-pad following all of her teams, especially the Yankees. She became a fan after her trip to NY with her “friend”. She barely spoke a word to me the whole time we were in the car. I suspect this is due to both her obsession with baseball and her continuing to be angry with me. I can’t see how she can remain so angry as that much anger must be draining her. I know staying angry always drains me.

I don’t think we will be able to reconcile since she still doesn’t feel she did anything wrong when she went to NY. While I believe her that there was nothing romantic about the trip, I wish she would just understand why I was so upset about the trip, but she can’t even do that. How can we can continue our marriage if she is really that insensitive and uncaring? She accused me of being insensitive and uncaring for years, but I never did anything that crossed boundaries like this.

 

[tucdoc]

I cant’ keep this up much longer. Yesterday my wife was talking to my son about her “friend” and the VIP tickets he gets from one of the baseball managers. After my son left the room, I told my wife to stop talking about that guy. She broke down, ran to “our” bedroom crying, and took off her wedding rings. I spoke to her for awhile, and she again said she didn’t love me and now doesn’t even want to continue seeing her therapist. I got the kids out of the house for dinner and Mass. When I got back, she again blamed me for things being the way they are. I’m so tired of this. We have been going over the same issues for 6 months and nothing has been resolved. I can’t deal with somebody so irrational and emotional. After she meets with her lawyer in 2 weeks, if she won’t file for divorce, then I will.