Wife has given up

[qui_est_ce]

I said it wasn’t the sex but the companionship I miss. She doesn’t want to be with me, so I told her I want to be with somebody who does.

This is so wrong on so many counts. You are already planning to get into another relationship after you get out of this one.

First of all, you have children. You need to put them first. Getting into another relationship will interfere with your relationship with your children. TRUST me. My children’s father thought his subsequent marriages would affect his relationship with them. But it did.

Second of all, you are trusting in a relationship with a woman to solve your problems. It won’t

Third, it’s against Church Teaching. You may not remarry without causing adultery.

I like what Tribulus wrote about God loving his Church:

I am so very grateful that Christ doesn’t love the church because she is lovable. There would be nobody in heaven. You said you didn’t know what God’s will for you was in this. Paul told you what it was right here. **Remember me? I’m the guy who was telling you to lock her out of the house and yes I believe that would be loving her like Christ loved the church, **but the point is I am not taking her side. I’m on God’s side first.

If she is leaving in the night when you are on call, you can’t trust her to care for the children. You must make arrangements for them.

If she has depression, etc., and won’t get help, you’ve done what you can. You need to protect your children first.

Practice tough love.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,
Keep praying- I firmly believe your wife doesn’t know what she wants- so there is hope. If she did know what she wants your divorce would be well on it’s way to being final. I don’t know if you got any of those books I mentioned earlier, read them and suggest she read one or two passages that match how you feel. This may get her interested in reading more and finding things that match how she feels, it may get her to at least think about getting help. Make sure it’s a psychiatrist and not a therapist- some of the therapists are very anti-med. At the very least try very hard to get her to talk to you about what she’s feeling. Just listen, without judgement or reflexive response to try and fix things, or defend against accusations- just listen.

I know it’s hard to keep to your vows when the other person isn’t. It seems unfair if the other person ‘moves on’ and seems happy. For my ex-wife it is at the cost of risking hell and alienating the kids, as well as losing their respect. But I keep in mind I gave the vow to God as much as to my ex-wife and pray for his mercy for her.

 

[faithfully]

If she is leaving in the night when you are on call, you can’t trust her to care for the children. You must make arrangements for them.

Actually, don’t forget she came home. It’s possible she wasn’t thinking about him being on call when she went out for the night. We don’t know if she was aware of her husband’s schedule. Perhaps it’s not really shared unless the phone rings, or alcohol is offered.

Or possible that she wanted him to observe that she is in fact needed in this household. That it’s not just him that makes the place function. Without a supporting wife, or a PAYED nanny, he does not get to do the job he chooses. We’ve heard a lot about how he’s provided this grand house, and the wonderful gadgets that she likes. But not once have we heard how his career as a doctor has been enabled by her holding down the fort as necessary. Enduring his hours. And surely she’s been trusted in the past. Or he, as a physician???, has been letting a nut case manage his children for YEARS…

Again, Tuc, you think your wife is depressed. So, you are pretty sure she has a REAL problem. Remove the word depressed, and put in cureable cancer. NOW WHAT?

People don’t WANT to not forgive, they are afraid to. Whether rightly or wrongly, she is in pain. It’s not that she doesn’t want to forgive you, she doesn’t want to continue to feel the way. She is putting up a wall so that you CAN’T hurt her again. Which tells me she actually knows she could “be inlove” with you again. But most likely to her demise. It may look like pride, my gut is that this is protection. She’s come from an abusive family. She set rules on how to avoid that in this family. But she didn’t realize there were other ways to hurt.

And I’m going to tell you, this I guarantee, I’ve witnessed it SEVERAL times over. If you don’t fight for it. Your wife will NEVER regret leaving you. She may heal in her depression one day, and what she will know then is that you just let her go, 'cause it was too hard for you. I have watched this play out with a few family members of my own, and a few girlfriends. And I would say, that we all warned these women that it could be resolved, they were depressed etc… all the same stuff… they were looking for greener pastures. But ALL OF THEM, experienced a husband that through his hands in the air. There was NO FIGHT for it. And all these women, are now divorced, completely functional. Most in the best financial situation they’ve EVER been in, because they were forced to buck up… And they all look back and say… and I mean ALL OF THEM… He was too weak. He could have fought, and didn’t. And they all feel as though they are better off. And I can say, the only fighting was verbal. The same words I hear from you.

Quite frankly, I don’t think you have the right to throw in the towel. You have your soul to consider. You have your children’s lives to consider. And you have your wife’s soul to consider. As MUCH AS YOU CAN… It’s been 6 months of hard road for you. BIG WOOP. Surely you have patients that have fought for their physical life longer than that. Will you not fight for your spiritual life???

You tell her you are not going down without a fight. Do not step aside as if already defeated. Buck up… and fight for her!

I would at this juncture, book retrouvaille, call and see if you can come alone if you have too. There is one in Phoenix NEXT WEEK… I bet they have an opening. Get someone to watch the kids… and DEMAND/BEG that she go. You’ve got NOTHING to lose… Tell her if she doesn’t go you will make the divorce as hard as you can if you have to. You will pull out every stop to stop it! You will lose everyTHING you have to hold on to her. There won’t be a “half” to take. (In the mean time get the kids college funds protected!!!)

You MUST be able to tell your children you TRIED EVERYTHING! They need to know that if they ever hit this bump in their life the answer is not to just give up.

I’m not suggesting that you buy her the diamond braclet… but I suggest that you do something nice for her everyday. Just like the movie. Get her coffee, deal with it if she walks away. Get her flowers. Take care of something for her that you know is hard for her to deal with. She may not deserve it right now. Did we deserve to have Christ be tortued for our Sins? Check your ego at the door, forget about how hurt you are. WE KNOW YOU ARE… and I’m not discounting it. I know this hurts, and I’m SO SORRY for it! But you’re the only functioning party in this relationship right now. If you were dieing of cancer, what would you want done for you? DO THAT! IF you wanted your wife to woo you… what would you have her do? DO THAT??? (sorry no sex… offer it for your sins). If you knew what your wife could do to show you that she does love you… DO THAT!!! What did you do when you were dating that didn’t make her run for cover… DO THAT!!!

DO SOMETHING!!! She is paralyzed, and incapable at the moment… Do what you promised on your wedding day, I’m sure you have it recorded (who doesn’t now adays.) Watch that… watch her walk down that isle to you… listen to your words… remember them, feel them again!

Again, many prayers!

 

[qui_est_ce]

Actually, don’t forget she came home. It’s possible she wasn’t thinking about him being on call when she went out for the night. We don’t know if she was aware of her husband’s schedule. Perhaps it’s not really shared unless the phone rings, or alcohol is offered.

Or possible that she wanted him to observe that she is in fact needed in this household. That it’s not just him that makes the place function. Without a supporting wife, or a PAYED nanny, he does not get to do the job he chooses. We’ve heard a lot about how he’s provided this grand house, and the wonderful gadgets that she likes. But not once have we heard how his career as a doctor has been enabled by her holding down the fort as necessary. Enduring his hours. And surely she’s been trusted in the past. Or he, as a physician???, has been letting a nut case manage his children for YEARS…

Again, many prayers!

That’s most important.

To use your cancer analogy, he’d still have to get help for the kids if she is too sick to take care of them. He might even have to put her in the hospital to get healed.

She has changed dramatically. If Tucdoc sees her schedule, I’m sure she knows when he’s on call. She’s going out with other men. He needs to put a stop to that. Suddenly she doesn’t know when he’s on call? She’s trying to frighten him by leaving when he’s on call? Using the kids like this is never good.

Yes, she’s had frustrations with his work, being on call, etc. So has he. He has lost much sleep going through internship and residency. It’s hard work for both of them.

Tucdoc, the next time she does something like this, see if you can get the kids to a safe place. Tell her, “next time you decide to leave when I’m on call, I’ll have to get the children to a place where they are safe.” No emotion. It’s just a fact.

At this point the children need to be considered.

I’m not saying he should give up on the marriage. I’m saying he needs to do what is right by the kids.

 

[EasterJoy]

Tiribulus, when my wife “left” Saturday night, and I asked her to come back because I was on-call. I told her I was worried about her and that I loved her. She then hung up, but eventually came back home. She has issues with anxiety and depression, and refuses to get medical help. She is inconsistent with seeing her therapist, and I’m not sure the therapist really understands these underlying issues. She has drifted away from me. If I’ve driven her away, it’s because I couldn’t help myself repeatedly asking her these months to give the marriage and marriage counseling a chance. We had similar values. She became Catholic before we married because she accepted the Church’s teachings. Now she has an unstructured spirituality, dabbling in Buddhism and chackras (I’ve apparently upset her 5th chackra, related to heart/emotions).

Whatevergirl, thanks for participating. Pride is a big issue with my wife. She has become ultra-individualistic, only considering how she feels as her guide to what is right. I realize that I wounded her pride when I insulted her. I consider that the proverbial straw, being unaware of all the hurt she had kept on her back rather than letting it go. She would rather hold on to the hurt than hold on to the marriage.

Styrgwillidar, I’m not looking for a companions right now. I realize that the kids will need me more than ever, and I will not compromise the limited time with them that I will need to negotiate. But, my wife does not want to be with me. Previously I asked her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she said no. So, I do need to eventually move on.

Faithfully, on my wife’s list of things for today is contacting her lawyer (she left the list out overnight). If she wants the divorce then I won’t fight it. She would rather do that work than the work of saving our marriage. That is her choice, not mine.

Are you beginning to forget that a spouse who abandons a valid marriage or commits adultery does not leave her husband free to “move on”, that ending the marriage is neither her choice nor his as long as both are alive, and that mental illness (or any other illness) that has its onset after vows are made do not render a marriage invalid? A durable choice to sin can give moral cause for a legal separation and even for civil divorce, but it does not prove invalidity. Only death ends a valid marriage.

If you were validly married back when you were happy with each other, you are validly married now. If she abandons you or you give up and let her go or whatever, you will still be married. You will be free to seek that female companionship appropriate for a man to have with a woman not his wife, yes, but only that, and no more. Considering what you know is appropriate for your wife in that area, you know how much that is, don’t you?

I tell you this because I know someone in this position. Her husband left her, because he didn’t want to be with her any more. Her petition for a decree of nullity was denied. If that happens to you, you will have to continue to honor your marriage vows, just as surely as if your wife and you had been the apple of each other’s eye and the center of each other’s life but one of you was living in an Alzheimer’s unit. It is very very difficult, but that kind of fidelity is one of the things that marriage requires.

If you divorce, willingly or not, only one thing will change: She will have your children, and you won’t. She may remain with them in your family home, but you won’t. She may choose that men will and come and go, and you will not be there to stop it. She will still be just as much your wife as ever, your children will be just as much your children as ever, but there will be nothing you can do about the loss of your family life. I think when that happens, what you have now will not look quite so unendurable.

I know she may succeed in leaving in spite of your best efforts, but don’t let her walk away. Leave no question in her mind that no matter what she does, you will know she is your wife and you are her husband, as long as both of you shall live…because that is undoubtedly the truth, isn’t it? Do not let any rationalizations come between you and that truth.

I say this as a physician’s wife, now: Whatever you have done as a physician, you have done as a couple. Give her credit for that. I am a stay-at-home mom with a PhD, and that is one of the things that keeps me in here: that is, that what he does is what we do. That my sacrifices for his patients and his profession are indispensible. He tells me that, and it is the truth.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s most important.

To use your cancer analogy, he’d still have to get help for the kids if she is too sick to take care of them. He might even have to put her in the hospital to get healed.

She has changed dramatically. If Tucdoc sees her schedule, I’m sure she knows when he’s on call. She’s going out with other men. He needs to put a stop to that. Suddenly she doesn’t know when he’s on call? She’s trying to frighten him by leaving when he’s on call? Using the kids like this is never good.

Yes, she’s had frustrations with his work, being on call, etc. So has he. He has lost much sleep going through internship and residency. It’s hard work for both of them.

Tucdoc, the next time she does something like this, see if you can get the kids to a safe place. Tell her, “next time you decide to leave when I’m on call, I’ll have to get the children to a place where they are safe.” No emotion. It’s just a fact.

At this point the children need to be considered.

I’m not saying he should give up on the marriage. I’m saying he needs to do what is right by the kids.

Unless you have been married to a physician who might be gone any time of the day or night and who has matters of life and death step in on every facet of your family life, you have no idea what you’re talking about. How do you know he’s been doing right by the kids? You don’t, do you? How do you know if he ever asks after how she’s doing or how much time he stole from the tending of his marriage to tend to his career? Did he ever make it a priority to be a “man she goes out with” or did he leave her with no one? You know none of that, do you? For all you know, if you were in his wife’s shoes, you might have slit your wrists a long time ago. Maybe she’s going through a big self-centered mid-life crisis that is little or none of his doing. Maybe she’s taken up the slack in their marriage for so long that she’s cracking. The truth is, you don’t know any of that, and neither do I. I do know this: It is emotionally exhausting to be married to a physician, under the best of circumstances.

I’m sorry, but I get so sick of this “It’s hard work for both of them” stuff. If he had never married, how would his life be different? It is not like running a restaurant together. The hospital takes 110% of the doc and another percentage off the doc’s spouse on top of that. Yet without a lot of communication, the satisfaction of what the doc accomplishes goes all to the doc. He saves lives, and at parties she gets asked “do you work?” It makes marriage very very difficult for both. If extra money is all the spouse gets out of it, disaster is on the horizon. I’ve seen it far too many times.

And please, yes, a wife can forget when her husband is on call. You try to keep track of their schedules! (Do not get me started on how often doctors change their schedules and only later “inform” their spouses, as if the schedules of all not in medicine are entirely at the disposal of those who are.)

 

[EasterJoy]

Unless you have been married to a physician who might be gone any time of the day or night and who has matters of life and death step in on every facet of your family life, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I shouldn’t have jumped on you like this, qui est ce. You weren’t really saying anything different. It is just that there is a good reason that physicians have a hard time staying married, especially the ones with odd schedules. It takes a lot more than money to make it possible for the spouse to endure the demands it makes, that’s all I’m trying to say. You can get all the counselling in the world, and it won’t take the place of your spouse doing his or her part to recognize what you do, even if “all” you do is to be generous with his or her time and attention. Sometimes, they come home so spent, they don’t have anything to give, even though you need it. “Hard” doesn’t really describe that.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Unless you have been married to a physician who might be gone any time of the day or night and who has matters of life and death step in on every facet of your family life, you have no idea what you’re talking about. How do you know he’s been doing right by the kids? You don’t, do you? How do you know if he ever asks after how she’s doing or how much time he stole from the tending of his marriage to tend to his career? Did he ever make it a priority to be a “man she goes out with” or did he leave her with no one? You know none of that, do you? For all you know, if you were in his wife’s shoes, you might have slit your wrists a long time ago. Maybe she’s going through a big self-centered mid-life crisis that is little or none of his doing. Maybe she’s taken up the slack in their marriage for so long that she’s cracking. The truth is, you don’t know any of that, and neither do I. I do know this: It is emotionally exhausting to be married to a physician, under the best of circumstances.

I’m sorry, but I get so sick of this “It’s hard work for both of them” stuff. If he had never married, how would his life be different? It is not like running a restaurant together. The hospital takes 110% of the doc and another percentage off the doc’s spouse on top of that. Yet without a lot of communication, the satisfaction of what the doc accomplishes goes all to the doc. He saves lives, and at parties she gets asked “do you work?” It makes marriage very very difficult for both. If extra money is all the spouse gets out of it, disaster is on the horizon. I’ve seen it far too many times.

And please, yes, a wife can forget when her husband is on call. You try to keep track of their schedules! (Do not get me started on how often doctors change their schedules and only later “inform” their spouses, as if the schedules of all not in medicine are entirely at the disposal of those who are.)

I think you’re being really harsh here, not knowing anything about me. I was married to a sailor who was gone for months at a time. He worked two months on two months off. We were living in a small town thousands of miles away from my family. I had a newborn. I know exactly what it’s like to have to hold down the fort while he’s gone, and then be 100% available 24/7 when he was in town. Honestly, I was happy he had a job. It worked very well for us. Although I hated being alone with a newborn in the New England winter months. It gets dark at 3:00 PM.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you’re being really harsh here, not knowing anything about me. I was married to a sailor who was gone for months at a time. He worked two months on two months off. We were living in a small town thousands of miles away from my family. I had a newborn. I know exactly what it’s like to have to hold down the fort while he’s gone, and then be 100% available 24/7 when he was in town. Honestly, I was happy he had a job. It worked very well for us. Although I hated being alone with a newborn in the New England winter months. It gets dark at 3:00 PM.

I apologized, because I was wrong to jump on you like that, but let me explain something.

We did a long-distance marriage for over five years, where we’d see each other maybe a weekend in every 2-3 months and since then over 15 years together. For us, being together in the same town and living with his hospital schedule is much nicer but much harder than when we were together and he was off or we were apart and he was on. I wouldn’t wish a long-distance marriage on anyone, but it was easier than this in a lot of ways. The truth is, there is no comparison. This is far more stressful.

There is keeping kids quiet while he’s trying to sleep, there are plans changed at the last second, there are phone calls that have to be taken right now at all times of the day and night, there are the day-to-day moods of the on-the-job stressors, there are constantly changing meal times and who knows what. A lot of the time, the chores that need to be done for him are here, but he’s not here. My schedule revolves around his schedule now. For him, he gets called away, and the birthday party or whatever fun was planned just goes on without him. We have something nice for dinner, he gets it reheated. We go to more family functions without him than with him. He makes a very good salary, but doesn’t have a lot of time to enjoy it. Being there for school functions takes some real doing. It probably goes without saying that he is exhausted most of the time. If my dad hadn’t owned a small business, I would not have been remotely prepared for this. How he does it, I’ll never know. I would have gone postal by now. If my parents had raised me to be high maintainence, we’d be finished by now. My brother and his were both the same way, but now they’ve both “gotten religion” and are trying to get him to slow down. He is, a little, but it is a gradual process.

He is almost never here 24/7. We rarely have him 24/7 unless we’re out of town and no one can call him in. When we’re at home, you just never know. I’ve had to become fairly independent on that account. When he retires and he is here 24/7, we’re in for another major readjustment.

 

[faithfully]

That’s most important.

To use your cancer analogy, he’d still have to get help for the kids if she is too sick to take care of them. He might even have to put her in the hospital to get healed. EXACTLY… He wouldn’t be saying let’s hurry up and end this so I can move on.

She has changed dramatically. If Tucdoc sees her schedule, I’m sure she knows when he’s on call. She’s going out with other men. He needs to put a stop to that. Suddenly she doesn’t know when he’s on call? She’s trying to frighten him by leaving when he’s on call? Using the kids like this is never good. I don’t know how much she’s changed. With the exception that now she feels compelled to not endure her percieved pain. I’m not saying she’s going about it properly. But she’s going about it.
Yes, she’s had frustrations with his work, being on call, etc. So has he. He has lost much sleep going through internship and residency. It’s hard work for both of them. It’s not the point that he went through hard work with his career. If they get a divorce, he gets to keep his career. I see this in jobs where the husband has insane hours. And often the only way to make it work is that the wife lives his schedule. I’m married to a chef. I have no idea what weddings he might have this weekend. Or what sort of drama some self centered bride will throw his way that will ruin all the days before the event for my family. Chefs don’t make tons of money. I don’t hire babysitters so I can go get my hair cut. I hope I can work it out with his schedule and my hairdressers… If a husband does not show appreciation to his wife, the person that enables him to have a job of choice, she will eventually find her appreciation elsewhere. You even say you’re married to a military guy. How many guys come home to an empty home. LOTS… and I suspect that a handful of them because they don’t show gratitude to their spouse for enduring. It’s more of a “suck it up” attitude. Or… hey, didn’t I give you a house? A thing?

Tucdoc, the next time she does something like this, see if you can get the kids to a safe place. Tell her, “next time you decide to leave when I’m on call, I’ll have to get the children to a place where they are safe.” No emotion. It’s just a fact.

At this point the children need to be considered. Agreed

I’m not saying he should give up on the marriage. I’m saying he needs to do what is right by the kids.And the ideal is that they live with MOM & DAD. And if mom is not abusive then you don’t run for it. We all go through drama in lives. And until the fat lady sings, what’s best for children, in general, 'cause I don’t know this situation exactly, is that you don’t bail on mom when she needs you. Even if she’s doing a lousy job right now. You don’t teach your kids to bail. Run for safety? Yes. But go with the going gets tough? Nope…

 

[tucdoc]

You all aren’t going to make it easy to proceed with the divorce, are you? I’ve accepted the fact that my wife wants a divorce. I’ve done all I can to stop her. But, she says she doesn’t love me. She is having health problems because of her unhappiness, and she is convinced that divorce is the answer. I cannot reason with her because she is so irrational. I’ve accepted her emotional decision because I really have no choice. It can’t be for purely rational reasons that she stays, just to keep her lifestyle and stay comfortable. She has not demonstrated any love or respect towards me. That is why I’m willing to let her go. If she had any consideration towards the kids she wouldn’t have even broached the issue of divorce and would have agreed to marriage counseling months ago. She is a proud, stubborn, and emotional person. When we moved here, the CEO at that time asked her if she was ready to be a physician’s spouse. She had plenty of warning as her cousin is also a doc. She meet me towards the end of my training, but knew the kind of hours I worked. Rather than working outside the home or becoming involved in non-profits, she chose to immerse herself in baseball, which lead to these "friendships’ which have undermined the marriage. She continues to feel that there was nothing inappropriate with flying off to baseball games with one of these guys, or choosing to go out to dinner with one of them instead of me. It would be hard to re-establish trust if she expressed no regret for what she did.

Now that I’m not pursing her, not staying up late rehashing the same events over and over again, I’m actually sleeping better and it’s easier to do my job. This comes from accepting whatever happens instead of struggling and worrying. I have to move on for my own peace of mind; otherwise, I cannot do my job, and risk serious mental impairment, which would do nobody any good. I’ve broken down and cried talking on my cell phone to just about every family member and friend I have reached out to during these miserable months. I can’t keep this up indefinitely.

 

[faithfully]

It’s a lot easier for us to tell you what you’re supposed to do. We’re completely removed from this. No emotion.

I’m so sorry you having such a tough time.

I think we can all be supportive of you and your heart. But we can’t tell you based on what we know that you can just give up… you must fight.

many…many hugs, and prayers… And don’t you stop.

 

[EasterJoy]

You all aren’t going to make it easy to proceed with the divorce, are you? I’ve accepted the fact that my wife wants a divorce. I’ve done all I can to stop her. But, she says she doesn’t love me. She is having health problems because of her unhappiness, and she is convinced that divorce is the answer. I cannot reason with her because she is so irrational. I’ve accepted her emotional decision because I really have no choice. It can’t be for purely rational reasons that she stays, just to keep her lifestyle and stay comfortable. She has not demonstrated any love or respect towards me. That is why I’m willing to let her go. If she had any consideration towards the kids she wouldn’t have even broached the issue of divorce and would have agreed to marriage counseling months ago. She is a proud, stubborn, and emotional person. When we moved here, the CEO at that time asked her if she was ready to be a physician’s spouse. She had plenty of warning as her cousin is also a doc. She meet me towards the end of my training, but knew the kind of hours I worked. Rather than working outside the home or becoming involved in non-profits, she chose to immerse herself in baseball, which lead to these "friendships’ which have undermined the marriage. She continues to feel that there was nothing inappropriate with flying off to baseball games with one of these guys, or choosing to go out to dinner with one of them instead of me. It would be hard to re-establish trust if she expressed no regret for what she did.

Now that I’m not pursing her, not staying up late rehashing the same events over and over again, I’m actually sleeping better and it’s easier to do my job. This comes from accepting whatever happens instead of struggling and worrying. I have to move on for my own peace of mind; otherwise, I cannot do my job, and risk serious mental impairment, which would do nobody any good. I’ve broken down and cried talking on my cell phone to just about every family member and friend I have reached out to during these miserable months. I can’t keep this up indefinitely.

Your marriage has an aggressive cancer, and you may be right that it was prone from the start. If you put your marriage first, then yes, there is still a chance that your wife will still leave you. Mother Theresa said, “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” If you do not succeed, it does not mean that you were not faithful, that you did not do your best. Who knows, your attempt at marriage may fail because your marriage was not valid. Still, you can’t automatically conclude that the patient whose hair is all falling out and who vomits constantly is doing the wrong thing and the patient who is refusing treatment is doing the right thing. Yes, sometimes, it is OK to realize that another round of chemo probably won’t cure anything. I think we are just saying what you know: that is not a decision made on the spur of the moment, the night after a round of chemo.

Keep it up one day at a time. There are things we can endure for 24 hours that we could never endure for 6 months. That has to be where you are by now. Hang in there one day at a time. Be with your children as if there were cancer in your family, as if one of you might not be around next week or next month. Your career cannot march on as usual, even though it probably cannot be put on hold, either. Just do what you honestly can do, hang in each day for as long as you can, and let God take care of what results you get.

I have seen a great many of my husband’s colleagues go through this. A wife can be divorced, but an “ex” is forever. You will be happiest if you give it all you have. It is not what you did at the hospital that will be there for you on your deathbed, but what you did for your children and how you lived your promises.

God bless you, you have done so much already. Keep it up, for every minute you can. But no, if you don’t keep your wife from going through with this, it does not mean that you could have prevented her, and failed. We can’t know that. We can’t say that you are wrong, even right now. We simply do not want you to quit from temporary discouragement. Be very sure. Hang in there, and may the Holy Spirit guide you always.

 

[qui_est_ce]

God bless you, you have done so much already. Keep it up, for every minute you can. But no, if you don’t keep your wife from going through with this, it does not mean that you could have prevented her, and failed. We can’t know that. We can’t say that you are wrong, even right now. We simply do not want you to quit from temporary discouragement. Be very sure. Hang in there, and may the Holy Spirit guide you always.

This is good advice. Let go and let God. I have personally known several marriages that came back from the brink and are now stronger than ever. There were some on CAF as well.

One was from a Protestant who couldn’t understand his wife’s conversion to the Catholic faith. He was very, very angry. At the end of one year of posting, he became a Catholic!

Maybe in a year from now, we’ll hear that your wife and you decided to renew your vows and begin a new journey together.

 

[PeacefulFamily]

As long as you two are worried about your own happiness and not His glory the despair will continue.

Tiribulus, this is true. TucDoc and his wife certainly need to seek God’s glory and follow His perfect will, rather than only seeking their own temporary happiness. However, you left out the most hopeful part of this situation. Are TucDoc’s happiness and God’s glory fundamentally opposed? Certainly not! If TucDoc truly seeks God’s glory, He will be rewarded with a superior kind of happiness and peace that only God can give. Any happiness or pleasure in this life is but a pale reflection of the incredible joy that we can look forward to in heaven. I am convinced that TucDoc won’t even have to wait until the afterlife to find this kind of happiness and peace. If he can hold out and truly seek to avoid sin (especially sexual sin) and follow Christ without hesitation, he will find a joy and peace IN THIS LIFE that is better than he can imagine.

TucDoc is probably in so much pain, he just wants out of it. The pain of rejection is the worst. I’ve felt it personally, and I’ve been cruelly rejected by a loved one, as well. I’ve given birth, naturally, 4 times. The type of psychological and emotional pain that TucDoc is feeling is like the stage of labor called “transition.” It’s not yet time to push that baby out. I don’t mind the pushing stage, because there’s something I can DO about the situation: push! In transition, though, the physical pain is quite intense. Hormonal changes, required to help give birth, wreak havoc on my emotions. During transition, I want to get OUT of my body, and AWAY from the pain, at any cost.

Having experienced the agony of childbirth and the pain of personal rejection, I’m really not sure which is worse.

We all need to pray that TucDoc be blessed with the gifts of wisdom, faith, hope, perseverance, and strength. We believe that God can do all things, so let’s really prove it and spend some time in heartfelt prayer for TucDoc.

 

[tucdoc]

Please, everybody keep praying for us. Reconciliation is not even an option for my wife anymore. Now she is looking at divorce mediation, a less expensive way to divorce. Perhaps this way she can still ask me to fix the house before I move out since the divorce won’t cost so much. She also wants to buy a place for me before we divorce, so we “can get a good deal in this market”. She feels she is at a different (?higher) level than I in this process. I admitted that I’m playing emotional catch-up to her. I’m not giving up, but I’m not staying up late at night trying to talk her out of the divorce and rehashing the same events all over again. If she can’t forgive and let go, then she will always be unhappy.

 

[BlueShadow123]

Please, everybody keep praying for us. Reconciliation is not even an option for my wife anymore. Now she is looking at divorce mediation, a less expensive way to divorce. Perhaps this way she can still ask me to fix the house before I move out since the divorce won’t cost so much. She also wants to buy a place for me before we divorce, so we “can get a good deal in this market”. She feels she is at a different (?higher) level than I in this process. I admitted that I’m playing emotional catch-up to her. I’m not giving up, but I’m not staying up late at night trying to talk her out of the divorce and rehashing the same events all over again. If she can’t forgive and let go, then she will always be unhappy.

Wow one moment she agrees to counseling, the next she wants out. Its like a bi-polar rollercoaster you guys are going through.

I don’t even know what to say anymore. It seems like all the advice you can get has been given. Whatever you do though, try to hang in there. And if it does end, you will be okay eventually. I promise you!. Just keep doing your thing and sit tight. It might not be over yet.

And remember, on windy days, just hold gods hand. :console:

 

[EasterJoy]

Please, everybody keep praying for us. Reconciliation is not even an option for my wife anymore. Now she is looking at divorce mediation, a less expensive way to divorce. Perhaps this way she can still ask me to fix the house before I move out since the divorce won’t cost so much. She also wants to buy a place for me before we divorce, so we “can get a good deal in this market”. She feels she is at a different (?higher) level than I in this process. I admitted that I’m playing emotional catch-up to her. I’m not giving up, but I’m not staying up late at night trying to talk her out of the divorce and rehashing the same events all over again. If she can’t forgive and let go, then she will always be unhappy.

“We can get a good deal in this market”? We?!? Maybe I shouldn’t joke about what might be a real possibility, but is she on drugs? She is throwing you out, taking you away from your children, leaving you for other men, and she wants to you to be a nice boy about it, so she can cheer you up with a “good deal” on a dog house? Is she nuts? You are not playing emotional catch-up. She is the one in denial about what she is doing. I am at a total loss. I cannot imagine the depth of self-absorption that it would take to talk this way. Do not let her draw you into her delusion, no matter how warm or how comfortable it ever feels.

If she does not come down to earth and re-join reality, miserable is not going to start to describe her state when reality finally catches up with her. I don’t mean vengeance. I mean reality.

Forget a “good deal” on a divorce. Find a divorce that is most likely to be just and will protect the financial well-being of everyone involved, but particularly your children. If you don’t have an attorney, good heavens, find the best you can.

There is a saying in gardening: Don’t spend $1 on the plants and 10 cents on the soil. Rather, put $1 into the soil and you’ll only need 10 cents for the plants. If she is going to drag you through civil court for a divorce you don’t want, at least make sure that, as much as is possible in a “no fault” world, it has sanity as its footings. Prepare the soil, and you’ll be prepared for both flood and drought. Neglect it badly enough, and there is hardly a reason to put a plant in at all.

Meditate on this passage:
*When he had said this, Jesus was deeply troubled and testified, “Amen, amen, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” The disciples looked at one another, at a loss as to whom he meant. One of his disciples, the one whom Jesus loved, was reclining at Jesus’ side. So Simon Peter nodded to him to find out whom he meant. He leaned back against Jesus’ chest and said to him, “Master, who is it?”

Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I hand the morsel after I have dipped it.” So he dipped the morsel and (took it and) handed it to Judas, son of Simon the Iscariot.

After he took the morsel, Satan entered him. So Jesus said to him, “What you are going to do, do quickly.”

(Now) none of those reclining at table realized why he said this to him. Some thought that since Judas kept the money bag, Jesus had told him, “Buy what we need for the feast,” or to give something to the poor. So he took the morsel and left at once. And it was night*." John 13:21-30

I don’t mean to deify you in this situation, but consider that Jesus knew what Judas was going to do. He knew it could not be stopped. He was resigned. And yet he was also deeply troubled. Judas didn’t appreciate what he was doing, but the Lord did. Judas was not deeply troubled until it was too late, and the Lord had been condemned. So do not think that you are “behind” because you are troubled in heart, and she is ahead because she is not. I would suggest that things are quite the opposite.

Do not expect yourself to feel at peace about something evil on your horizon simply because it is likely that it cannot be stopped, because you are tired and just wish things were normal. Rather, keep the truth of what is going on in front of you. Not in a bitter way, but in terms of what is good, what is bad, what is right, and what is wrong. That is the vantage point that will help you navigate this mess with fidelity. That is the ball to keep your eye on.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Please, everybody keep praying for us. Reconciliation is not even an option for my wife anymore. Now she is looking at divorce mediation, a less expensive way to divorce. Perhaps this way she can still ask me to fix the house before I move out since the divorce won’t cost so much. She also wants to buy a place for me before we divorce, so we “can get a good deal in this market”. She feels she is at a different (?higher) level than I in this process. I admitted that I’m playing emotional catch-up to her. I’m not giving up, but I’m not staying up late at night trying to talk her out of the divorce and rehashing the same events all over again. If she can’t forgive and let go, then she will always be unhappy.

This morning I prayed you might find the strength to put yourself in God’s will for you in this. Stay close to him and keep your children close. God is training you in his way. Do what is right. You cannot force her to be happy (that is joyful) Her unhappiness should not be a source of revenge or “schadenfreude.” It’s really irrelevant to what you need to work on at this time.

(my :twocents

 

[styrgwillidar]

Tucdoc,
I’ll keep praying for you. Your wife isn’t at a higher/better place than you, she’s in a different place. Just as you are in a different place relative to your situation than I am to mine. I just can’t equate the conduct/decisions my ex-wife has made in the last year and a half with the woman I knew for over 30 years. Doesn’t equate and therefore I believe that there’s something physically wrong that she may overcome in the future. Therefore my conduct has been geared towards leaving the option of reconciliation open- which is a much more painful way to operate day-to-day. You may be far more realistic, and it may be healthier, in your assessment of your situation. It is healthier to operate acknowledging reality (you?) than operating in a fantasy land (me?).

And if your wife is depressed and untreated than that different place is driven by something which a divorce isn’t necessarily going to fix.

The major advantage of mediation is that it is not adversarial. Yes, each party is expected to look after their own interests and they may conflict. But the expectation is you are both reasonable and willing to work out your own compromises. In a divorce, your lawyers have a duty to try and get each of you the “best” deal. It tends to put up barriers and suspicions of each other’s motivations, things become more confrontational and the lawyers may discourage talking to each other to preclude you ‘giving’ away some advantage or other. Our mediator laid out what the courts might award, but we worked out a different agreement than that. I was actually more proactive about ensuring my ex-wife’s access to the kids was documented to assure her I wouldn’t pull a fast one. Again, if I was petty in this, why would she ever want to come back? And this was never about money to her, to her credit she has never been one to focus on the material. It also allowed me to protect my kids better- as her attitude/actions towards them changed, which I suspected would happen, I required that those changes be made to our agreement. (Long time between drafting and actually signing) Since our agreement was through mediation it was easier to get her to approve amending since
a. Didn’t have to go through her/my lawyers
b. I could simply point out since we weren’t abiding by the draft agreement, the way we were actually operating should be in the final.

Bottom line, I think mediation is a better route to maintain what love you can for your spouse, maintain her respect for you, leave options open for the future.

Don’t get so bogged down in the financial details that you don’t carefully consider what you put in about the kids. This agreement is what is enforceable in court. Whether she can move without your permission, whether you can phone kids at anytime, who they will be with on holidays, daily contact etc. etc.

Let go and let God as others have pointed out. As much as we want our marriages to work, it does take two and she has free will. If our spouse won’t live up to their committments and obligations we can’t force them, we can only continue to love them and give them the opportunity to change their minds. Continue to love her as Christ loves his Church through it’s ups an downs and the mistakes of some of its clergy.