Wife has given up

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Tucdoc,

Hopefully, you can arrange at least to have your children when you go to Mass and to take them to catechism. Your wife did agree previously to raise them Catholic and that prior commitment may still have weight in your current mediation.

Regardless of what happens with them, your example is the best way to teach them how to live as Catholics.
 
tucdoc said:
I admit to having relied on material things to please my wife. I never thought she would leave me because of the comfortable lifestyle I provided for her. I also admit to seeing sex as a right of marriage, not as my wife giving of herself. I understand that I didn’t meet my wife’s emotional needs, so she sought to fulfill them outside of the marriage. I already have confessed all of the above, and have acknowledged all of this to her. She say it is too late and insists on leaving the marriage.
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This is so sad. This is why you are where you are. I remember when you said in much earlier posts your wife was upset about not getting a bracelet… you presented that as her being materialistic. However, you are coming to realize that you only showed your love by way of material items.

By your own admission you RELIED on material things to please her. You didn’t give in the way of emotions. So when you pulled the material. You in essense pulled your love. The way you explain it, you treated your wife like an employee. Her job: clean, have sex… your job: pay with things, and house. And the sad thing is… when people quit liking their job, or they realize they are not getting paid enough, or getting any REAL satisfaction… like they get money but their job is meaningless… then they move on.

I don’t doubt your love for her, and hers for you at one time. Prayers for you still… that
By the grace of God, she will realize that this is salvagable. Seek the necessary counceling and you two can start over… anew with the lessons you both have learned.

I
 
tucdoc,
I feel like some are giving you too hard of a time. I am a woman by the way. Ok, so maybe you didn’t give your wife the emotional attention she needed. I know what it is like to be on her end of this by the way and understand its damage to a relationship and its damage to the woman’s sense of self. and the loss of closeness. . You were not a perfect husband and could have done better,. You can learn from that. Few marriages are perfect. They require work and everyone makes mistakes. Was she asking you for years and years to pay more attention, was she expressing her needs and saying you simply had to change or saying you guys needed counseling and were you ignoring all that? I mean you can;t be a perfect mind reader so if she wasn;t asking and pushing for change she bears some responsibility. . If she was not asking and demanding a change then she is partially responsible for the way things were. Even if you were ignoring her pleas, It does appear that once things got really bad, you showed a willingness to learn and go to counseling and wanted to change. Her response was to ignore her vows, go off with her friend, and in my view not ask what was in the best interest of the kids. That is not the response of a mature adult in my view. I am so sorry you have had to deal with all this. I know it is profoundly painful. I will say a prayer for you and your kids.
 
redroselover said:
tucdoc,
I feel like some are giving you too hard of a time. I am a woman by the way. Ok, so maybe you didn’t give your wife the emotional attention she needed. I know what it is like to be on her end of this by the way and understand its damage to a relationship and its damage to the woman’s sense of self. and the loss of closeness. . You were not a perfect husband and could have done better,. You can learn from that. Few marriages are perfect. They require work and everyone makes mistakes. Was she asking you for years and years to pay more attention, was she expressing her needs and saying you simply had to change or saying you guys needed counseling and were you ignoring all that? I mean you can;t be a perfect mind reader so if she wasn;t asking and pushing for change she bears some responsibility. . If she was not asking and demanding a change then she is partially responsible for the way things were. Even if you were ignoring her pleas, It does appear that once things got really bad, you showed a willingness to learn and go to counseling and wanted to change. Her response was to ignore her vows, go off with her friend, and in my view not ask what was in the best interest of the kids. That is not the response of a mature adult in my view. I am so sorry you have had to deal with all this. I know it is profoundly painful. I will say a prayer for you and your kids.
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I agree with everything you said redrose, except I don’t think faithfully was being “too hard.” Yes, hard, but it was truthful. I think Tucdoc already knows this. It took this crisis to get Tucdoc back to God. To surrender himself completely.

I have been watching Tucdoc growing in his faith since he began posting here. His posts changed from blaming/whiny to growing in faith and grace.
 
I am so glad tucdoc has been growing in his faith. That is wonderful. May we all do the same. I will remember him as an example of how someone can truly grow and change.
 
redroselover said:
I am so glad tucdoc has been growing in his faith. That is wonderful. May we all do the same. I will remember him as an example of how someone can truly grow and change.
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I’ve learned a lot. CAF has been monumental in my faith journey.
 
Yeah… I don’t mean to kick a horse when he’s down.

It’s just, if Tucdoc has an opportunity to fix this… or ends up in another relationship in the future, this will be an important lesson. One not to be forgotten… no reason to repeat known and understood mistakes…

I’m a firm believer that we will endure certain lessons in life until we actually “get it”… some can be so painful. It would behoove anyone to “Get it” the first time around…

I’m just hoping there is somehow room for reconciliation…
 
When you’ve lost all control, you have to believe that God is in control. I accept whatever happens in my life, be it reconciliation or divorce. I’ve talked with others at work who have been through divorce, and I now realize how much pain many live with on a daily basis. I better appreciate the resources (including CAF) I have in dealing with my situation. There are many angels around ministering to me, but it’s still my responsibility to get through this difficult period.

My wife claims she tried to tell me she wasn’t happy, that I should have known she was unhappy. But rather than tell me bluntly she wasn’t happy, she confided in one of her “friends”. I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t pick up on subtle hints. Her starting these “friendships” may have been a cry for help, but I wish she would have just asked me for help instead.
 
Well, in the same way you’ve made mistakes, she’s certainly making her fair share.

Divorce is not easy for anyone. Hugs!
 
tucdoc said:
When you’ve lost all control, you have to believe that God is in control. >>>
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2 Corinthians 1:8-11 8-For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. 9-Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10-He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11-You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.
tucdoc said:
<<<My wife claims she tried to tell me she wasn’t happy, that I should have known she was unhappy. But rather than tell me bluntly she wasn’t happy, she confided in one of her “friends”. I’m not a mind reader, and I don’t pick up on subtle hints. Her starting these “friendships” may have been a cry for help, but I wish she would have just asked me for help instead.
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I’m gonna have to side pretty much with you on this one. I mean no disrespect to the ladies here, but this is a famous female foible (FFF?:rolleyes:) It is a lie from the pit of hell that if a man is not endowed with supernatural mind reading powers that he does not love his wife. Now I hasten to add that this does excuse inattentive self absorption whereby every relative and neighbor can see what’s going on, but DH floats through his marriage a walking sports almanac (or anything else) yet is unaware of his wife’s loneliness.

However, some women have it in their pretty little heads that “if he loved me he’d know” even when they admit how they’ve gone out of their way to hide their discontent. In a very large % of cases when DH says “I had no idea”, he really may not have and it’s not necessarily because he’s an evil misogynistic pagan.
 
I am learning about redemptive suffering. There may be some good coming from all this heartache. I am offering my pain up to Our Lord. I am more at peace now, although it still hurts. I have lived up to my marriage vow as best as I could. I now know that material things don’t guarantee happiness, otherwise my wife wouldn’t be wanting out of the marriage. It seems that a vicious cycle of wanting more ensues, with ever escalating expectations. I also now know that sexual expectations can lead to resentment, enough to want out of a marriage, at least that’s how she is presenting it to me.

We will be discussing alimony next week. Although I am trying not to be too materialistic, I do need to keep enough of my salary to start my life over. I don’t think we will be able to mediate this issue, thus there will be a long and costly litigation. Whatever alimony is decided, it still won’t be enough for her. So, I pray my wife develops insight about her spending. Family members have told me this is enough of a reason to let her leave the marriage. She would spend away our savings as I neared retirement. That may or may not be true, but I would still prefer to stay married to her. I’ve told her repeatedly that I don’t want this divorce, but that it is her choice.
 
tucdoc said:
I am learning about redemptive suffering. There may be some good coming from all this heartache. I am offering my pain up to Our Lord. I am more at peace now, although it still hurts. I have lived up to my marriage vow as best as I could. I now know that material things don’t guarantee happiness, otherwise my wife wouldn’t be wanting out of the marriage. It seems that a vicious cycle of wanting more ensues, with ever escalating expectations. I also now know that sexual expectations can lead to resentment, enough to want out of a marriage, at least that’s how she is presenting it to me.

We will be discussing alimony next week. Although I am trying not to be too materialistic, I do need to keep enough of my salary to start my life over. I don’t think we will be able to mediate this issue, thus there will be a long and costly litigation. Whatever alimony is decided, it still won’t be enough for her. So, I pray my wife develops insight about her spending. Family members have told me this is enough of a reason to let her leave the marriage. She would spend away our savings as I neared retirement. That may or may not be true, but I would still prefer to stay married to her. I’ve told her repeatedly that I don’t want this divorce, but that it is her choice.
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Thanks for sharing. I have learned a lot reading through your ordeal.

Don’t worry about the alimony. Put it in God’s hands. There is usually a formula they used for alimony and child support. Alimony usually stops after a certain period of time, like 2-5 years. They will be fair to you.

Put your trust in the Lord.
 
Tuc…

Whatever you do… see if you can get the alimony bit wrapped up QUICKLY… Watch for her lawyer to be money grubbing… meaning the lawyer has his/her eye on your money for THEIR benefit, not your wife’s (as they get a % sometimes)… Don’t necessarily steer away from what seems like a high amount if you’re going to end up paying that in fees over the next 5 years.

I watched a very dear friend’s mother continue to go after $$ when she was offered a very healthy settlement. She refused. And her lawyer convinced her to fight for YEARS! They ultimately lost. It was VERY UGLY! And his mother is broke! She owes her lawyer so much $$ and has nothing really to pay her with… It was so bad, in reality I don’t know how his mother hasn’t sued her own lawyer for such bad advise.

I’m not sure how it is in your state, but I do know in the state of CA one can drag this out for WAY TOO LONG!
 
I HATE THIS. My wife’s attorney is not agreeing with the parenting plan my wife and I came up with in mediation. Our real estate agent has come up with a value to our home that is much more that the value on Zillow.com, which my wife (who wants to keep the house) will probably contest. I realize that I will still have to pay all of the expenses at the house once I move out, in addition to paying rent and expenses for an apartment.

WHY ME? We married in the Church, I go to Mass regularly, I’m raising my kids Catholic.

All this is making it easier to proceed with the divorce. Somebody who would subject me to all of this stress and heartache obviously does not love me, and it would be best for me to go on with my life without her. I just feel sorry for my kids, who will be exposed to her regularly until they graduate from high school in 4 & 6 years respectively

Everybody, please keep praying for me, so that I will have peace of mind and strength to get through this ordeal.
 
tucdoc said:
I HATE THIS. My wife’s attorney is not agreeing with the parenting plan my wife and I came up with in mediation. Our real estate agent has come up with a value to our home that is much more that the value on Zillow.com, which my wife (who wants to keep the house) will probably contest. I realize that I will still have to pay all of the expenses at the house once I move out, in addition to paying rent and expenses for an apartment.

WHY ME? We married in the Church, I go to Mass regularly, I’m raising my kids Catholic.

All this is making it easier to proceed with the divorce. Somebody who would subject me to all of this stress and heartache obviously does not love me, and it would be best for me to go on with my life without her. I just feel sorry for my kids, who will be exposed to her regularly until they graduate from high school in 4 & 6 years respectively

Everybody, please keep praying for me, so that I will have peace of mind and strength to get through this ordeal.
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Will be praying for you
 
Why is her lawyer contesting her plan? The only reason I can think is disappointment at not going to trial. Do the kids have an independent lawyer reviewing the plans for their interests?

I’m praying you all get through this peacefully.
 
Tucdoc,
You need to get your wife and her lawyer in the same room and ask him and them what your wife doesn’t like now about the mediated plan and why it isn’t in her best interests. You need to look out after your and the kids interests. Don’t just give in, easy when you’re fatigued to just cave, give in, get it over with. BAD, BAD, attitude to have in legal matters, for your kids sake you can not simply lay down.
Fight for what you want for custody. That’s your issue, it isn’t your job to support her wishes. As always, don’t do this in a spiteful or emotional matter – be composed, be matter of fact, and be firm. Do this in a way which leaves the door open for reconciliation if possible down the road.
Based on what she wants to change, she may lose the ability to have enough funds to keep the house. You do need and deserve to be able to afford a home suitable for raising your children. Again, you may find her pushing the kids off on you to enable more time with her friends. If you both have to sell the house to make that happen, hey, life’s tough all over. If she wants the married lifestyle, she should put the effort into her marriage to make it work. Your wife may just be bargaining herself into a smaller home.
 
tucdoc said:
I HATE THIS. My wife’s attorney is not agreeing with the parenting plan my wife and I came up with in mediation. Our real estate agent has come up with a value to our home that is much more that the value on Zillow.com, which my wife (who wants to keep the house) will probably contest. I realize that I will still have to pay all of the expenses at the house once I move out, in addition to paying rent and expenses for an apartment.

WHY ME? We married in the Church, I go to Mass regularly, I’m raising my kids Catholic.

All this is making it easier to proceed with the divorce. Somebody who would subject me to all of this stress and heartache obviously does not love me, and it would be best for me to go on with my life without her. I just feel sorry for my kids, who will be exposed to her regularly until they graduate from high school in 4 & 6 years respectively

Everybody, please keep praying for me, so that I will have peace of mind and strength to get through this ordeal.
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Ok… this is what I mean about a lawyer that is butting in… WHY ON EARTH does the lawyer think he she should decide what happens with your kids, when you BOTH agree on what to do with them… I’ll tell you why. If you wife has them more, you owe more. The lawyer gets more!!! The lawyer is NOT looking out for your wifes best interest, but his/her own… Get ready for a LONG divorce… in fact, I would do some research on this lawyer… Are there any complaints against him/her? unsettled disputes? Talk to your lawyer… ask about the fact that the lawyer is actually trying to supersede parental decisions… this does not sound ethical…

I think you also need to realize that your wife isn’t exactly doing this TO YOU! She’s doing it for herself. I’m sure it’s stressfull for her too. In fact, as you describe her, she’s quite incompetent… She must be scared out of her wits… But thinks she’s doing what’s best…

Not saying she’s right… But really? You feel sorry for you kids now? how come now? How come not in the last 11 or so years. You didn’t see a problem subjecting them to her then.

Step back… take a deep breath. Don’t start trash talking you wife. Do what you can to remain upstanding… and supportive of your children…

Prayers!
 
faithfully said:
<<< Not saying she’s right… But really? You feel sorry for you kids now? how come now? How come not in the last 11 or so years. You didn’t see a problem subjecting them to her then.

Step back… take a deep breath. Don’t start trash talking you wife. Do what you can to remain upstanding… and supportive of your children…

Prayers!
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Agreed. And why you?
Why not you? You have been such a sterling specimen of spotless manhood that the thrice holy most high God owes you a stress free low maintenance stroll through life? My dear friend victory came for me when I realized that it was only His immeasurable condescending grace that bought me my next breath. Do you REALLY want Him to reward you according to your faithfulness to Him? May it never be.

Know that you are regularly in my prayers. In addition to everything else I will be beseeching the living God that He save you from allowing ANYTHING to bring hatred in your heart for the wife of your youth. That will convince her and maybe the kids too how right she was for leaving.
 
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