Wife in Ongoing Affair

[bitznbitez]

I hesitate to post, because so much rides on the OP’s decision, but I want to think about the “best for the kids” idea a little more. …

And that was precisely what the pamphlet I posted the link to earlier in this thread, edited by a man that became Cardinal said. That explanation of catholic teaching on marriage dealt with a situation precisely like this one.

Most of the advice on this thread completely disagrees with the teaching of the cardinal. Instead it sounds exactly like the opinion of the protestant man the priest was talking to in that dialogue.

 

[bilop]

And that was precisely what the pamphlet I posted the link to earlier in this thread, edited by a man that became Cardinal said. That explanation of catholic teaching on marriage dealt with a situation precisely like this one.

Most of the advice on this thread completely disagrees with the teaching of the cardinal. Instead it sounds exactly like the opinion of the protestant man the priest was talking to in that dialogue.

Pardon?

The Church teaches that a spouse has the right to separate from an adulterous spouse, even if they repent and stop cheating.

There is no question a Catholic has the right to separate from a spouse who is actively cheating and plans to continue.

I can see no way that living a farce of a marriage with a wife who is sleeping with other men would be good for the children. Even if by some miracle it would be, we are not allowed to do evil so that good may come of it. Deceiving your children about such a situation would seem to me to be evil means.

God Bless

 

[sweetpetunia]

A lot of the advice you get from folks on these forums, while well intentioned, is grounded in ignorance of how domestic relations law in this country really works. My heart truly breaks for you, but before you act you need to know that this could turn out far differently than you might expect.

This. You need to meet with an expert lawyer who specializes in cases like this and discuss the possible outcomes before you make such a momentous decision. It only makes sense to get all the facts before you do any decision-making.

If this were me, I would also search until I found a spiritual director whose opinion I trusted, because you need support and/or advice from someone whom you know will hold your confidence with the utmost discretion. Priests are wonderful this way. An anonymous post on a forum is not nearly as helpful as real life discussions with someone who knows you and your family. Prayers for you, you have some serious soul-searching to do.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think you can stay married if you wife intends on continuing to cheat. That’s too much for anyone to take, even for the sake of the children.

In the long run, living with that kind of humiliation will damage him, and render him unable to be the kind of father his children need.

God Bless

I think it won’t even take a long run. More men who have been cheated on end up divorcing their wives, even if the wife is repentant. It’s not that men don’t WANT to forgive, it’s that it’s harder for them to shake the image and idea of their wife making love with another man.

OP, please don’t do this to yourself. It is not necessary to martyr yourself and you aren’t teaching your kids to have good boundaries if you allow your wife to stay while she cheats on you. What respect could they have for you if they knew you allowed that kind of betrayal?

 

[lily20]

I would definitely not worry about keeping it a total secret, like, to save your reputation. I wouldn’t worry about it making you look less devout, as it’s not you who are doing it, and maybe, who knows, someone in your cirlce of friends can talk sense to her?

I would walk. Seriously, it’s so disrespectful what she’s doing. You could get STD, I don’t know, it’s lying to you as well and what will happen when her kids see this is how a marriage operates? Gross.

Taking a stand, backing off, that’s the best thing. She will whine and scream no doubt, because that’s what people who don’t get their way do.

Lily

 

[styrgwillidar]

… I would walk…

As I said before, I would sit down, figure out a strategy, then tell her she needs to walk.

 

[Marie1234]

As I said before, I would sit down, figure out a strategy, then tell her she needs to walk.

I think she already did walk away from him, since she’s sleeping with another man…

Now she wants a “fake marriage”

I think it’s his turn to walk away now.

(Personally, I would run away)

 

[StevenAC]

I went through this. In retrospect, I put my now ex-wife on a pedastel and I held on to yhe marriage “for the kid’s sake” for way too long. An adulterer is first a liar. You can not have a marriage where there is no trust. Ironically, when my I separated from my ex-wife, she respected me more and tried to reconcile several times, which in the end just caused more pain as her affairs continued. I wish I could say life has been great since but this is a heavy cross. Carry your cross, take her off her pedestal and move on. The better you are able to do that, the better for you and your kids. In Matthew Jesus talked to the Pharisees about the law of Moses re marriage and divorce. He made the exception that divorce was acceptable in certain situations. I believe this is one of them… (Mt 5:32)

 

[Almosserdo]

I have come across this situation several times over the last forty years and in different parishes and circumstances.

Questions I have for both of you:

1. Are you aware of any other affair over this existing one that your wife may have had?
2. Is the third party now in constant daily contact with your wife in normal circumstances eg work, parish, school, teaching or social / sports / fitness clubs??

If the answer to question 2 is yes then you must work very hard to extricate her from that regular contact. Yes, change the job, always attend with her whenever she is at the parish, pull her off - voluntarily the teaching classes or change the social sports or fitness clubs membership permanently.

The changes above only would apply to her regular contact areas with the third party.

In the meantime it is possible that most other members of your parish know exactly what has been going on and that you are the last to know that they know!!

If the answer to question 1 above is yes…then the rebuilding has to be applied to her serial behaviour. ie how or why does she make herself vulnerable to the obvious temptations that are before her.

I am sure all is not lost if you are both still active in all areas of your current marriage…

First, find out the truth in 1 and 2 above, then definately on a non-confrontational basis ask her how she thinks the current matter might end. Because, end it certainly will it is only a matter of how and when. That last point maybe too direct put like that but work your way round to eliciting her real underlying wishes. The fact that she is still active in the parish (inner circle) almost certainly means she wants the affair to end. She presumably attends regular reconciliation which means each time she undertakes to stop it by avoiding the occasions of sin and temptation. In the meantime she probably can’t help herself each time the occasion confronts her - daily?

Pray, pray, pray and pray again. She is also praying too and probably quite desperately. Prayer means action too for both of you but you must first of all work out the strategy - alone. Then talk it over directly with the Lord preferably at adoration. (Your wife might even be praying on the same lines at the same time hoping that she can somehow end this terrible repetition) I believe with prayer you will come up with the key.

Ultimatums (a)? are non workable in these situations because she cannot see through the clouds of red mist that are surrounding all her senses at the moment.

I will pray for you and I am sure you have the ability - with the help of God to come out the other side fully reconciled and with both of you accepting and giving forgiveness. Place the whole matter at Our Lady’s feet and give confidence to the Lord that you know He will sort it out.

God bless you both and your whole wonderful family.

 

[The_Bucket]

Ultimatums (a)? are non workable in these situations because she cannot see through the clouds of red mist that are surrounding all her senses at the moment.

That’s lunacy and I speak from experience. I doubt she’s “addicted” to this affair if she’s totally unrepentant about it and wants to continue on in the whole bit. People who are addicted and ashamed of it go to great lengths to hide their addictions. I should know. I went to great lengths to hide my own addiction to pornography and my spiritual life went into an utter tailspin because I felt totally unworthy of God’s love or even His forgiveness.

The fact that she’s A-OK with her husband knowing about this affair and actually asked for a sham of a marriage to continue on while she keeps WORDing this other guy is a clear sign that she’s not addicted. Not really. She’s just a liar and a traitor to her family.

It took an ultimatum and a major shock to my system to get my life turned around. I knew I was hurting my wife, I knew I was causing anxiety for my children but I also thought that putting my addiction in the open would be the worst thing possible for everyone. Yes, I chiefly thought about it being the worst possible scenario for ME, but I also thought it would be bad for everyone else. Turns out that while it hurt quite a bit, it was also the best thing possible.

I hated myself for years. I thought I didn’t deserve God’s love or the family with which He blessed me. I didn’t ask my wife to just “deal with it” when she discovered my pornography addiction. I didn’t just say “that’s how it is” or anything like that. I promised to change and took steps to make those changes even while she and my kids were a thousand miles away. Not every addict is able to turn his life over to God and allow Him to break the addiction. And I know that if I don’t keep working every day, it will eventually come back.

I was a great liar and I deceived people for sure. But when confronted with my lies I didn’t ask for my family to just go along with it because that’s what I wanted. That’s total craziness and way beyond addiction. That’s a revelation of character. This woman is in no way devout, she doesn’t care about her family and all she wants is to keep WORDing some other dude while getting all the accolades in the community for being a “good Christian.” The hell with that.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Log off the internet and contact a priest. One outside of your parish if you feel you must.

Yeah, I think that would be a good plan.
Prayers for you… I’m so sorry.

I agree with these two posts. You need to speak to a priest, possibly have her attend as well.

Please, before you take any action (such as throwing her out, changing locks, closing accounts) see a family law attorney. Some of these actions are not legal depending on your state.

One of the posters said to pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I agree totally.

You are in a very difficult situation because you have children.

I’ll pray for you.

 

[hurting]

There is no peace without justice, and applying the full extent of the law and squeezing every available advantage is perfectly moral. To do less is to ask for trouble. Believe me, man…you are not going to score any extra points for taking it up the wazoo and trying to be the nice guy.

Anecdotal evidence from the field - being a nice guy in divorce will not just have you finishing last - it will get you killed (that may very well happen anyway, but being nice is not going to help).

I would advise as I believe some others have that I would in no way, whatsoever, protect her image in the Church. Quite the opposite - I’d make it known far and wide of her adultery (tactfully, though).

St. Michael the Archangel will indeed defend you in battle.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I think she already did walk away from him, since she’s sleeping with another man…

Now she wants a “fake marriage”

I think it’s his turn to walk away now.

(Personally, I would run away)

My point was that if someone is going to move out, leave the kids and the home-- it should be her, not him.

If she refuses to be the one to leave, I would seriously consider selling the home and setting up separate homes. He needs to assess what’s best for his kids, I kept my kids in the same house thinking it would be less change to deal with. They now tell me that they wish I had sold and moved them into a new home for a fresh start/clean-break with the past.

 

[NeedingGrace]

Thank you all for the outpouring of support. I do not, as some of the earlier posters have suggested, have my nose buried in the internet. The fact is that I am only able to read and respond periodically. I hope to be able to address some of the questions and issues others have raised in the near future. Just wanted you all to know that I am following the posts and appreciate it.

Couple of points of clarification. Although I suspect that the relationship has been sexual, she denies it and I do not have direct proof to the contrary. The fact remains, however, that she has been totally engrossed in the relationship and there have been plenty of covert meetings and a very intense emotional attachment, all accompanied by incredible secrect, lying and deceit. And at the end of the day she decided that her relationship with him was more important to her than me and our family (as I see it).

 

[hurting]

My point was that if someone is going to move out, leave the kids and the home-- it should be her, not him.

If she refuses to be the one to leave, I would seriously consider selling the home and setting up separate homes. He needs to assess what’s best for his kids, I kept my kids in the same house thinking it would be less change to deal with. They now tell me that they wish I had sold and moved them into a new home for a fresh start/clean-break with the past.

I definitely would not leave but would try to get her to do so subject to the following caveat (specific rules apply to each state and/or local jurisdiction):

The OP’s wife is clearly hell-bent on destroying their marriage. As such he needs to anticipate that it’s probably not just he who is contemplating divorce. To the extent that she is, he needs to recognize the distinct possibility that once she decides to press the plunger and nuke the marriage, she may file specious claims of domestic violence to get a civil protection order (CPO) issued and/or may seek criminal prosecution. To the extent that any of the foregoing is possible, a move out on his part might be advisable so as to lessen the risk (it is harder to claim ‘fear’ if you’re not living under the same roof).

On the other hand, if he leaves the residence and is gone for a set period of time (thirty days in my state), if she files for divorce she can ask the court for and would likely receive exclusive occupancy of the home. At that point she has what she wants - him gone but still paying the bills. Ceteris parabus, it also strengthens her strong custody hand.

 

[The_Bucket]

And at the end of the day she decided that her relationship with him was more important to her than me and our family (as I see it).

There’s no “as you see it.” It’s how she sees it too. Of course she denies anything sexual but so does everybody. And honestly, why would she ask you to keep up a sham of a marriage if she’s just having an “emotional affair” with this other guy? That makes no sense.

You don’t need incontrovertible proof of physical adultery before you make decisions to protect yourself and your family. You have what you need. Evidence that she’s at least seeing another guy, admittance on her part, and a request from her that she be allowed to do whatever she wants while you hold the bag.

As I said before, the hell with that.

 

[maltmom]

It’s horrible what she is doing to your family. She wants to have it all…you and the other man. In the end you will probably end up with neither.

I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[benjammin]

THIS! I know this is hard to hear and completely unfair, especially for one who has been raised to be charitable, loving and forgiving, but as long as she has you at home complying with maintaining her fantasy world, she isn’t going to change. She needs ‘tough love’ right now. If she continues with this man, she can’t have an intact family. That may trigger contrition for her. Right now she has the best of both worlds and no impetus to change it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers.

I think you need to show her tough love by kicking her out. She broke your marriage bond and if she wants to be with the other guy, than tell her she can go there. Honestly you need to find a way to end this relationship. Also, just wondering, how long has this been going on. Has this been a trend since you married. If so, you can get an anullmant. That’s what i’d do. I’d never put up with cheating from my future spouse.

 

[Marie1234]

My point was that if someone is going to move out, leave the kids and the home-- it should be her, not him.

If she refuses to be the one to leave, I would seriously consider selling the home and setting up separate homes. He needs to assess what’s best for his kids, I kept my kids in the same house thinking it would be less change to deal with. They now tell me that they wish I had sold and moved them into a new home for a fresh start/clean-break with the past.

Oh, okay I see what you mean. Yes, I totally agree.

 

[StevenAC]

Needing Grace- I responded earlier about being in your spot 15 years ago. My ex-wife also denied the sex part, until I walked in on them. I liked the posts about forgiveness, grace and working things out, her desire to, at least be perceived as devout, to paraphrase. However, for that to work, you need to be in control if the situation. If she’s calling all the shots, she will continue to lie and disrespect you. That’s a sham marriage and will not be good for your kids. Although with God’s grace all things are possible, you must presume that she is lying about the physical part (its moot anyway b/c she is definitely stepping out emotionally, that’s bad enough!). Jesus said we must be smart (you must be clever as snakes, innocent as doves- Mt 10:16) around the evil one. We are not called to be doormats… God Bless.