Wife is OBESE

[LilyM]

Apart from what everyone else has said - I can guarantee you don’t look as good as you did 20 years ago either buddy, exercise notwithstanding.

Grey hair, less hair, more wrinkles, more bags under the eyes - all comes with the territory. How would you like it if she started presenting you with toupees or hair dye or whatnot every chance she got? Did you really think either of you were going to keep your youthful looks for the rest of your lives?

Remember your wedding vows were for worse as well as better, for sickness as well as health. This is something that has spiralled (so it probably feels to her) out of her power to control. I very much believe that overeating is an addiction like alcoholism or drug addiction. Fatty and sugary foods do cause serious chemical changes in your brain and body like drugs or alcohol, and are often used in the same way.

As a person who used to be much bigger than your wife I can tell you no-one wants to be that way, intends to be that way, or genuinely chooses to be that way. They just feel stuck and unable to change. All the well meaning lectures in the world will not help. What will help is finding ways to make her feel good and positive about herself – and possibly all the better if they are not physically based. That positive reinforcement is more likely to get her thinking about her health and appearance.

 

[someperson555]

More important than the obligation to be physically attractive is the obligation to treat your partner with love, respect, patience, kindness, and generosity. If treating your spouse with basic dignity has fallen to the wayside, don’t be surprised when everything else, including looks do too.

i agree love is far more important. but a truly loving spouse would make sure that they are attractive for their partner. but let me reiterate, its a whole different story if the husband or wife is obese through no fault of their own.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

You are horrible, marriage is for better or worse, sickness and in health. What you are doing equates to leaving her because she got sick or something. Shame on you. You better hope nothing ever happens to you, yes you may work out now but what if you got hit by a car and could not walk for a year or something. Should she just leave YOU because she did not marry a cripple?? But like someone said, I think you are a troll so I’m not going to get worked up over your dumb post. And I’ve never met anyone who chose to be overweight, so if she has that problem then something beyond her is causing it, it might be mental, and it might be physical. She might be depressed and it might be YOU. But no one chooses to be overweight so there are some kind of issues making her overweight you just don’t know what it is, and doing what you’re doing will do nothing but contribute to the problem not help it.

 

[Sillara]

I agree that the OP does not sound like a particularly kind person, but why does everyone assume he is a troll? Some people really do feel this way. I am not saying they should; I am saying they do. So why would this be an untrue post?

 

[LilyM]

i agree love is far more important. but a truly loving spouse would make sure that they are attractive for their partner. but let me reiterate, its a whole different story if the husband or wife is obese through no fault of their own.

And who exactly are you to judge whether there is ‘fault’ involved in someone’s obesity? How on earth can you know that there is no undiagnosed physical mental or emotional issue that makes the person the way they are?

 

[Skye_Ariel]

And who exactly are you to judge whether there is ‘fault’ involved in someone’s obesity? How on earth can you know that there is no undiagnosed physical mental or emotional issue that makes the person the way they are?

Exactly. I’ve never met anyone who** wanted **to be overweight.

 

[cheezey]

I refuse to believe that this poster is doing anything more than trolling. Otherwise, I would have to conclude that there are husbands out there like this and I’m not prepared to see mankind as being that hopeless. Grow up poster!

But there are husbands out there like this, that’s the thing. My other half said early on that he would not have even given me a second look had I been overweight. What’s worse, when he said that, I was going through a tough time and weighed about 92 pounds. I made a remark that I cannot mention here, but the bottom line is he thinks anything over 100 pounds for my height, which is a whopping 5", is overweight. But yes, Op should be expressing his concerns and feelings more gracefully, patiently, respectfully, and with encouragement.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I agree that the OP does not sound like a particularly kind person, but why does everyone assume he is a troll? Some people really do feel this way. I am not saying they should; I am saying they do. So why would this be an untrue post?

It’s the way he said it. I can understand being concerned for someone’s weight, I’m into fitness myself and exercise every day etc and eat healthy, so I agree that people should take care of their self, but it’s the way he said it that tells me he’s either a troll or a horrible person. Just imagine him saying he’s leaving her because she’s no longer young and pretty and he’s leaving her for some 20yr old girl. He’s basically saying the same thing. Yes there are men out there who think that way but is it right? No. But to come on a board and announce it like that makes me think he’s just trying to get people riled up, a troll.

 

[cheezey]

As for the weight, she knows that she is overweight. She doesn’t like it. It is overwhelming, and it seems like nothing that you do works. You give up. I would love for my husband to go for a walk with me. From how you wrote, I don’t know if you would want to be seen walking with her. She may know that. Try to reconnect with her.

I will pray for you all. Pray for your wife.

Agreed and with prayers.

Be kind; be patient, be understanding, be helpful in an understanding way. Keep your negative thoughts to yourself. She has enough with which to deal.

 

[faithfully]

Sorry to hijack, but what goes into being checked for PCOS? I have had several of the symptoms, aside from infertility and miscarriage. Our insurance is decent, but not that great. Is it a big, involved thing to be checked for PCOS? My issues are … well, let’s just say that a hysterectomy has been suggested at various times, but it’s not something I want to do if I can help it.

PCOS is often treated symptom for symptom. I recommend a site called soulcysters.com You can read all about it. And there is a lot to understand. Often, but not always a dr. can do an ultrasound of your ovaries, and they will see the many cysts.

 

[cheezey]

It’s the way he said it. I can understand being concerned for someone’s weight, I’m into fitness myself and exercise every day etc and eat healthy, so I agree that people should take care of their self, but it’s the way he said it that tells me he’s either a troll or a horrible person. Just imagine him saying he’s leaving her because she’s no longer young and pretty and he’s leaving her for some 20yr old girl. He’s basically saying the same thing. Yes there are men out there who think that way but is it right? No. But to come on a board and announce it like that makes me think he’s just trying to get people riled up, a troll.

You might be right, but you might also be wrong. Let’s give him the chance to understand that how he said these things were not an optimal choice.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

You might be right, but you might also be wrong. Let’s give him the chance to understand that how he said these things were not an optimal choice.

Okay I can do that.

 

[underacloud]

I agree that the OP does not sound like a particularly kind person, but why does everyone assume he is a troll? Some people really do feel this way. I am not saying they should; I am saying they do. So why would this be an untrue post?

I think it’s always best to assume someone isn’t trolling…at least in the first instance…actually as Catholics were are instructed that: “everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way” (CCC #2478).

Yes, this includes potential trolls.

 

[Tietjen]

I think it’s always best to assume someone isn’t trolling…at least in the first instance…actually as Catholics were are instructed that: “everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way” (CCC #2478).

Yes, this includes potential trolls.

The question then comes up as to which is the more “favorable way” to interpret the posters thoughts. IOW, should I view him as a simple troll or as a “man” who has no idea what marriage is nor what it means to love. I believe that it is more charitable to believe that this is simply another troll who is attempting to entertain himself rather than an abusive sociopathic monster who is emotionally abusive to his wife.

 

[Regina_Love]

Hi I don’t normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don’t weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I’m in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh.

We are Catholics and maybe not as crazy as some but we go to mass and I am a lector and my wife works with the youth group and confirmation kids because our kids are teenagers right now. So it is not like she just had a baby this year or anything. Our youngest is 13.

When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5’2. She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman’s only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don’t know what she is doing while I’m at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she’s slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can’t even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can’t make it with a girl who is just too fat.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she’s fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I’ve taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don’t want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don’t want to do that!

It’s time to go to counseling. Obviously this is a very important issue for you. It would be for me also. ** A counselor can get to the bottom of what is keeping her from being successful. ** Meet with the counselor alone the first time. The counselor will help you to express your conscerns to your wife. Be prepared to change yourself as much as you want your wife to change. We all can do better.

I am also 5’2" Once I hit 45 I could NOT loose weight. I have to drop my calorie intake to about 1200 calories a day. Try it for a couple of days. It’s SUPER hard. guys often get to eat twice as much as a lady. We are often just plain hungry, all the time, and still don’t drop the weight. It gets discouraging. I prayed to God, and pleaded for help. A nice couple introduced me to ATKINS. You can get the book at the library. It’s the only thing that worked for me! Be sure to take the vitamins recommended. The first 3 days I felt aweful, but after that I felt amazing! The pounds came off, which really encouraged me to keep at it! One reason it works for me is I loose my appetite while on it, so I don’t feel starved all the time.

I hope this is helpful to you. Don’t give up. Keep praying for God’s solution.

I will pray for your family

 

[Skye_Ariel]

The question then comes up as to which is the more “favorable way” to interpret the posters thoughts. IOW, should I view him as a simple troll or as a “man” who has no idea what marriage is nor what it means to love. I believe that it is more charitable to believe that this is simply another troll who is attempting to entertain himself rather than an abusive sociopathic monster who is emotionally abusive to his wife.

 

[aicirt]

At the max for a woman 5’2" with LARGE frame, she should weigh 143 lbs. With a small frame, 108 lbs. So she could be 100 lbs overweight.

She’s a Mom in her 40s and obese with all kinds of major health issues possible e.g. diabetes, heart, breathing disorders, and soon will be facing menopause. She needs to get it off now. I think you should talk to her doctor and see if he can’t challenge her to do it for her health so she’ll be here to see her kids marry.

I’m sure she looks at herself in the mirror and gets totally disgusted and gives up. She needs to use that ellipital for 15 minutes every other day and keep track of her calories. There are sites on line for that which makes it easy. The idea of losing 100 lbs is overwhelming. Better to concentrate on a five or 10 lb. loss and a reward for doing so. There will be times when she’ll show no drop in weight even though she’s done everything. Patience. At the end of each week, she should go get a pedicure, buy herself a new lipstick, do something just for herself.

Overeating is just as destructive as drinking, or gambling. Women will be very blunt that those vices are destroying their marriages. This husband is being blunt too. The woman he married has disappeared and he wants her back. For whatever reason, she’s put food up as a barrier between them and she’ll have to take that barrier down.

 

[Pax2u]

Trial membership? Wife is a “beast”?

I smell a troll.

I agree…when I see trial membership and the post is as ridiculous as this one, I’m not believing it.

If it were true…what a pig, he’d be doing her a favor to leave. She’s better off without that jerk.

 

[Pax2u]

At the max for a woman 5’2" with LARGE frame, she should weigh 143 lbs. With a small frame, 108 lbs. So she could be 100 lbs overweight.

She’s a Mom in her 40s and obese with all kinds of major health issues possible e.g. diabetes, heart, breathing disorders, and soon will be facing menopause. She needs to get it off now. I think you should talk to her doctor and see if he can’t challenge her to do it for her health so she’ll be here to see her kids marry.

I’m sure she looks at herself in the mirror and gets totally disgusted and gives up. She needs to use that ellipital for 15 minutes every other day and keep track of her calories. There are sites on line for that which makes it easy. The idea of losing 100 lbs is overwhelming. Better to concentrate on a five or 10 lb. loss and a reward for doing so. There will be times when she’ll show no drop in weight even though she’s done everything. Patience. At the end of each week, she should go get a pedicure, buy herself a new lipstick, do something just for herself.

Overeating is just as destructive as drinking, or gambling. Women will be very blunt that those vices are destroying their marriages. This husband is being blunt too. The woman he married has disappeared and he wants her back. For whatever reason, she’s put food up as a barrier between them and she’ll have to take that barrier down.

It is obvious from the post he is more interested in the “looks” aspect of it than health. If she felt unconditionally loved, it just may be easier for her to address health.

 

[epan]

I’m appalled that the OP is more concerned about sexual attraction, than he is about his wife’s health. Or, so it seems.

Food addiction is a serious matter. There are resources to help, even bariatric surgery, if necessary. Obesity is a serious health issue.

If this post is genuine, please sit down with her and discuss it, instead of throwing exercise equipment at her. Develop a path to move forward, and enlist the help of professionals to move forward. Forget about sex for the moment, and focus on having her around to be your wife in the future, and grandmother or great grandmother for your kids.