Wife is OBESE

[haedron]

To the Mushroom Man:
For one thing, a post extremely similar to your was posted bere a while back, so similar I checked to see if it was the same person.

I have 2 main things to say: There are only slight differences in height and weight between your wife and me, and I think my weight was definitely related to a knee injury and menopause beginning right at the same time. Believe me, I was unhappy about it: I was physically uncomfortable and didn’t look like myself. I am not a person who gives a great deal of concern to how I look: ponytail and at most some mascara and lipstick; now am I a fashion plate: I never wear heels and my dress-up clothes are gifts and the rest jeans. But I didn’t look like me; I couldn’t see if clothes wouldd fit; and physically it got old fast.

Luckily my husband had put on a few pounds so he didn’t worry.

And the thing is, * I could not lose the weight. *When I dieted, I

gained weight. I had no clue what to do since when I didn’t diet I at least stayed the same! It was very frustrating!

And now menopause is totally over and little by little I’m losing the weight. It is great. I am not frantic; I take it easy and just try to see what best helps the process along and do more of that, bit other than that, I am just trying to stay put of the way and let it happen.

If I were your wife, your attitude might well have pushed me to stress more–stress hormones make people gain weight–and just be angry. Your wife seems to have chosen a psychologically healthier route of looking for self-acceptance since it’s so clear from what you have written about your interactions that she won’t get it fromyou. Giving her stuff is no substitute for the marital *debt. *

The other thing is that I used to be extremely judgemental and critical, both about nyself and about others. I justified my criticisms of others by my being hard on myself, bit the whole thing was a spiral in me that made me no good to anyone.

I suggest, since you have asked for advice and have gotten the advice to go to counseling, that you stop going to the gym. First, you are making yourself prideful by all this exercise and taking care of your looks; second, there are a lot of women at thise gyms who are just like you.

Second, stop being so hard on yourself and others. Look at how others forgive people instead of responding negatively.

If you have trouble with letting go of all the judgementalness, get some counseling for yourself for that before you ask your wife to join you.

There have been times when I thought counseling would help us but I was afraid of going because I thought I would be painted as the problem (because of issues frombefore my marriage, not my husband). It may be that your wife might feel the same.

Good luck to you with all this.

No disrespect, but I think the bolded part is terrible advice. Just because his wife has become morbidly obese it is not on him to give up on his own health and fitness.

This is the type of attitude that an obese person might have - that their partner should join them on the couch for TV and a bag of potato chips instead of going to the gym or heading out for a run.

We coddle obese people in this country and as a society help them make excuses for being huge. Then we act like they’re doing some great thing when the decide to go for the Diet Coke to wash down their Big Mac and fries instead of a regular soda.

Again, I’ve been there, done that. Never again. No more excuses and I can’t stand it when I hear them from other people. This kind of thing (bolded) just aggravates me. IF you want to die of heart disease when you’re 60 then be my guest but just because the trend in the US is towards being obese that doesn’t make it right.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No disrespect, but I think the bolded part is terrible advice. Just because his wife has become morbidly obese it is not on him to give up on his own health and fitness.

This is the type of attitude that an obese person might have - that their partner should join them on the couch for TV and a bag of potato chips instead of going to the gym or heading out for a run.

We coddle obese people in this country and as a society help them make excuses for being huge. Then we act like they’re doing some great thing when the decide to go for the Diet Coke to wash down their Big Mac and fries instead of a regular soda.

Again, I’ve been there, done that. Never again. No more excuses and I can’t stand it when I hear them from other people. This kind of thing (bolded) just aggravates me. IF you want to die of heart disease when you’re 60 then be my guest but just because the trend in the US is towards being obese that doesn’t make it right.

That’s not what was meant. It was more along the lines of he is comparing himself to his wife and finding her lacking, and is being rude and uncharitable about it. Also, in his current frame of mind, it is not unthinkable that he might find an attractive and fit female working out at the gym, and be tempted to do something that would damage his marriage forever. I am sure that the intention was not for the OP to sit on the couch, but just to lay off of the constant stress on appearance and putting himself above his wife because he’s in such good shape.

 

[EasterJoy]

Geeeze ladies be fair. Do you honestly think it’s OK for a wife to weigh twice her normal weight, and her husband should act all happy about it! Yes, guys are visually motivated. That’s how they are wired. It’s a fact.

I do think we have a responsiblility to look decent for our husbands. 20-30 lbs over weight, it happens. But we are talking a 100lbs. That’s not acceptable, meaning something needs to done about it. The health issues it causes are serious!

I believe it is an offense to your marriage to let yourself become so obese that your appearance is repulsive. Yes! we do have a responsibility to reign in our weight every year, for our own health, and the betterment of our marriage. Your man should not have to struggle with the thought or feelings they will never embrace a reasonably decent sized wife again, ever in their whole life, and that there is no hope.

Honestly, If my husband were that over weight, I would expect him to work at improving it. Since I’m in the venting mode I’d like to also say. How come guys don’t dye their hair for us ladies? hmmmm? Yes, we deserve you to look your best too!

He said he thought she was 190. If she is 5’2", she should not weigh 90 lb…not when she was 16, and certainly not now that her youngest is 13!

Do you think it is harder for him to have her to carry around an extra 60-70 lb everywhere she goes, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, or harder on him? Do you think it is harder for him to see her than it is for her to see how she has changed in the mirror? How about finding clothes that are becoming: harder on him or harder her?

And you want men to dye their hair? WHY? What on earth for? Because it is not OK for a man who gets to a certain age to actually look like he’s gotten to a certain age? It is not OK for a woman who’s had four kids to actually look as if maybe she’s had four kids? I suppose it is not OK for a woman’s Cooper’s ligaments to give out as she ages, either, she has to find some surgeon make her look as if she’s been living on a planet that has no gravity? Tuck in that tummy, too, lest you look like you might be the mother of his children?

If this OP keeps talking the way he has been talking, he won’t have to worry about embracing an overweight wife in his old age. His marriage won’t last that long. Meanwhile, there will be some happily-married fat couples enjoying each other because they know what he doesn’t seem to get: Who you are is more important than what you look like, and a person who judges you on your looks needs a reality check.

 

[aicirt]

Geeeze ladies be fair. Do you honestly think it’s OK for a wife to weigh twice her normal weight, and her husband should act all happy about it! Yes, guys are visually motivated. That’s how they are wired. It’s a fact.

I do think we have a responsiblility to look decent for our husbands. 20-30 lbs over weight, it happens. But we are talking a 100lbs. That’s not acceptable, meaning something needs to done about it. The health issues it causes are serious!

I believe it is an offense to your marriage to let yourself become so obese that your appearance is repulsive. Yes! we do have a responsibility to reign in our weight every year, for our own health, and the betterment of our marriage. Your man should not have to struggle with the thought or feelings they will never embrace a reasonably decent sized wife again, ever in their whole life, and that there is no hope.

Honestly, If my husband were that over weight, I would expect him to work at improving it. Since I’m in the venting mode I’d like to also say. How come guys don’t dye their hair for us ladies? hmmmm? Yes, we deserve you to look your best too!

I agree with your post except for the hair dying. The wife may be encouraged by the site she frequents which is telling her it is okay to be obese. It isn’t. The woman is addicted to food and it is ruining her marriage. She’s in denial.

 

[tundramom]

Did anyone else notice that on post #69 the troll gave himself away?

Steph

 

[captainmike]

my wife was overweight, and eventually very overweight, for many years. it bothered me a lot. i stayed fit and worked hard to do so. i got onto her about her weight a lot. i believe that spouses have an obligation to each other to try to say reasonably fit, and i told her so.

then, one Christmas, i gave her a substantial gift certificate to a clothing store. i just wanted het to be able to have some nice clothes.

and then a miracle happened.

she wanted to lose weight before she purchased the clothes. so she went on jenny craig and became an exercise fanatic.

she lost 50 pounds, and now she looks great.

 

[underacloud]

Many men dye their hair, or attempt to restore thinning hair, etc. But it is not a parallel here for two key reasons:

a) There is nothing one does to contribute to their changing hair colour or thinning to begin with. Conversely, becoming overweight is to do with what one does…consuming more calories than they need. (putting aside factors such as pregnancy, health conditions, etc)

b) There is no health issue with hair colour. It is a purely aesthetic consideration. Weight is not.

My hair is both greying and thinning. But my wife doesn’t care at all (so she says). And when I put on a little too much weight, she didn’t care either…but I did. I hated it (and it wasn’t even that much weight). The body changes as we age and I can’t eat the way I used to. I’ve moderated my diet and increased exercise to stay healthy and in (hopefully) good shape. I do think we owe it to our familes to do so.

Having said that, if my hair bothered my wife, I’d attempt to do something about it.

 

[underacloud]

Did anyone else notice that on post #69 the troll gave himself away?

Steph

How so?

There is an error in syntax in that post, but this is what the OP said if you correct for the quoting error:

Hey I don’t need her to be a body builder, a fake plastic celebrity or anorexic. I’d be happy if she just looked average and could shop in the regular stores. I don’t need a size 2 wife, I’d be happy with a ten at this point. I’m not a monster who demands perfection or who doesn’t understand aging obviously we will never be 20 again. Crows feet, greys, a little gravity sag I get that totally its the appearance of not giving a hoot that makes me sad

That’s pretty consitent with his other comments. I don’t see any trolling in this?

Actually, the improrer syntax is probably evidence of someone who is not a typical troll.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Stephen Colbert actually covered this topic just last week.

Here’s some relationship advice from him and Pat Robertson:

colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/422924/january-16-2013/pat-robertson-s-romance-advice

“Eye pudding”. That is spit out your soda funny!

 

[St_Francis]

No disrespect, but I think the bolded part is terrible advice. Just because his wife has become morbidly obese it is not on him to give up on his own health and fitness…

Ahhh, I put that badly. 1. suggest he stop going to the gym where he sees a lot of women who look the way he wants his wife to look, many of whom do not have children and are many years younger than his wife. Not saying that women his wife’s age and/or mothers don’t look great, but when someone goes to the gym and sees the other gym people then goes home and sees a non-gym wife, it’s gonna work on his head, right? Most of the women I know who are my age and have children do *not *go to gyms; few have time to go to the gym.

Second, I’m not saying he should lie on the couch and eat chips; but he should stop focusing so much on how he looks and keeping himself so perfect. If he wants to exercise, he can get a machine at home. There’s just a thing about people at the gym working on all those machines to keep their bodies in perfect shape which seems to sort of focus the attention in a bad way.

I suspect that if he is this hard on his wife wrt her looks, he is probably hard on himself wrt his looks. That is what I have noticed about people who are critical or critical in a certain area, they have a problem with themselves.

I certainly did not intend to suggest that he totally let himself fall apart, just not go to the gym.

 

[St_Francis]

Geeeze ladies be fair. Do you honestly think it’s OK for a wife to weigh twice her normal weight, and her husband should act all happy about it! Yes, guys are visually motivated. That’s how they are wired. It’s a fact.

Yeah, his wife has gained weight, but like I said, she’s not much shorter and not much heavier than I was at my heaviest. She is certainly not twice the weight she should be nor 100 pounds overweight at 190.

The thing is, we don’t know what’s going on with her. Being that overweight is not something someone *wants *to be, it’s something someone is stuck with. Igained weight at menopause, my mother gained weight at menopause, my grandmother gained weight at menopause… and when I was a girl, I saw all kinds of little old ladies in Europe who had gained weighed at menopause.

Yes, I think a wife should try to dress nicely and keep clean and wash her hair and all that to look nice for her husband, but that menopause weight can be tricky–like I said, when I tried to diet, I *gained *weight.

And with growing children and an exercising husband to feed, it’s probably hard to go on a diet to begin with.

 

[cheezey]

Yeah, his wife has gained weight, but like I said, she’s not much shorter and not much heavier than I was at my heaviest. She is certainly not twice the weight she should be nor 100 pounds overweight at 190.

The thing is, we don’t know what’s going on with her. Being that overweight is not something someone *wants *to be, it’s something someone is stuck with. Igained weight at menopause, my mother gained weight at menopause, my grandmother gained weight at menopause… and when I was a girl, I saw all kinds of little old ladies in Europe who had gained weighed at menopause.

Yes, I think a wife should try to dress nicely and keep clean and wash her hair and all that to look nice for her husband, but that menopause weight can be tricky–like I said, when I tried to diet, I *gained *weight.

And with growing children and an exercising husband to feed, it’s probably hard to go on a diet to begin with.

true…

 

[Xantippe]

That’s a great story about the wife getting into shape after getting a large gift certificate to a clothing store.

I don’t like the hair dying example 1) because I think men dying their hair is tacky 2) it’s not a major lifestyle change. There’s no sacrifice or pain involved in dying hair. 3) there’s a much greater chance of success than when starting a diet.

There’s a really depressing article here:

health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2012/08/14/regaining-lost-weight-your-hormones-may-be-the-culprit

"A recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that dieters who regain weight are not simply backsliding into old eating habits: They’re battling biology itself, which tends to fight to keep weight on.

“While more research is needed before we can make firm conclusions, it seems the hormones that kick in once you’ve lost weight both slow your metabolism—and make you feel hungrier than before. In the study, one hormone, leptin, dropped as soon as the subjects lost weight .When leptin falls, hunger swells and metabolism stalls.The combination of increasing appetite and slowing metabolism is a double whammy for people looking to keep weight off. After a year, leptin levels were still lower than they were when the study began, only increasing as subjects got heavier. Worse, a year out, other hunger-provoking hormones, such as ghrelin, were altered in ways that left participants with bigger appetites than at the study’s start.”

Your body doesn’t want you to look like Kate Moss.

 

[Eliza10]

I think it’s always best to assume someone isn’t trolling…at least in the first instance…actually as Catholics were are instructed that: “everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor’s thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way” (CCC #2478).

Yes, this includes potential trolls.

Whats more favorable anyway? To go with your gut that he is a troll or take the post for what it is? But then you are unable to avoid the conclusion that he is an insensitive and unkind man, at best. I think the former is kinder. I go with that.

 

[haedron]

Ahhh, I put that badly. 1. suggest he stop going to the gym where he sees a lot of women who look the way he wants his wife to look, many of whom do not have children and are many years younger than his wife. Not saying that women his wife’s age and/or mothers don’t look great, but when someone goes to the gym and sees the other gym people then goes home and sees a non-gym wife, it’s gonna work on his head, right? Most of the women I know who are my age and have children do *not *go to gyms; few have time to go to the gym.

Second, I’m not saying he should lie on the couch and eat chips; but he should stop focusing so much on how he looks and keeping himself so perfect. If he wants to exercise, he can get a machine at home. There’s just a thing about people at the gym working on all those machines to keep their bodies in perfect shape which seems to sort of focus the attention in a bad way.

I suspect that if he is this hard on his wife wrt her looks, he is probably hard on himself wrt his looks. That is what I have noticed about people who are critical or critical in a certain area, they have a problem with themselves.

I certainly did not intend to suggest that he totally let himself fall apart, just not go to the gym.

Fair enough, didn’t mean to take you out of context.

That being said, I think I still disagree. There are lots of places where he’s bound to meet fit, attractive women besides the gym. I don’t think it’s important for him to change his habits in this way because of his wife’s insecurities, PROVIDED that he remains faithful to her.

Remaining faithful to his spouse is his problem whether he’s at the gym, the office, the supermarket, etc. I think his fidelity is an entirely separate issue from his wife’s weight.

 

[Eliza10]

The question then comes up as to which is the more “favorable way” to interpret the posters thoughts. IOW, should I view him as a simple troll or as a “man” who has no idea what marriage is nor what it means to love. I believe that it is more charitable to believe that this is simply another troll who is attempting to entertain himself rather than an abusive sociopathic monster who is emotionally abusive to his wife.

Oops! Great minds think alike!

 

[cheezey]

That’s a great story about the wife getting into shape after getting a large gift certificate to a clothing store.

I don’t like the hair dying example 1) because I think men dying their hair is tacky 2) it’s not a major lifestyle change. There’s no sacrifice or pain involved in dying hair. 3) there’s a much greater chance of success than when starting a diet.

There’s a really depressing article here:

health.usnews.com/health-news/blogs/eat-run/2012/08/14/regaining-lost-weight-your-hormones-may-be-the-culprit

"A recent study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that dieters who regain weight are not simply backsliding into old eating habits: They’re battling biology itself, which tends to fight to keep weight on.

“While more research is needed before we can make firm conclusions, it seems the hormones that kick in once you’ve lost weight both slow your metabolism—and make you feel hungrier than before. In the study, one hormone, leptin, dropped as soon as the subjects lost weight .When leptin falls, hunger swells and metabolism stalls.The combination of increasing appetite and slowing metabolism is a double whammy for people looking to keep weight off. After a year, leptin levels were still lower than they were when the study began, only increasing as subjects got heavier. Worse, a year out, other hunger-provoking hormones, such as ghrelin, were altered in ways that left participants with bigger appetites than at the study’s start.”

Your body doesn’t want you to look like Kate Moss.

Not to sound like a commercial, but there are also studies that show that too little sleep can cause weight gain. When too little sleep escalates into full blown insomnia, the weight gain can really add up. Now, the OP hasn’t mentioned this, (or I missed it) so perhaps her sleep is great. But something serious may be lurking and she is too scared to examine the possibilites. OR She just might be overweight and he needs get over it if he is genuine, or help her to help herself IF she wants the help, if he really loves her.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Did anyone else notice that on post #69 the troll gave himself away?

Steph

Well, he quoted the previous poster badly, it was broken up in the middle, but that was probably an accident.

I think it was anyway.

Still, I’m surprised that people keep going on and on about this post.

 

[jimmy]

Exactly. I’ve never met anyone who** wanted **to be overweight.

I’ve never met anyone who wanted to be addicted to heroine either.

This guy sounds pretty callous and superficial, but let’s not pretend that a person doesn’t make their own decisions. She is most likely overweight due to her own decisions. She could workout and she could eat healthy.

The op should realize though that there is often a tendency in people to react the opposite of how we are expected to. The constant negative attitude and criticism probably just makes things worse. By calling her an elephant or a beast he is only causing her to lose the strength to control herself, rather than gaining it.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Re Post 157: This is so true, and not a myth. The reason is that our metabolism works when we are asleep, and particularly during certain hours (apparently).

Nor is it a myth what was said earlier, about stress. This is the irony of losing weight while in love (for example), vs. difficulty (if single, for example) finding someone to love if one is significantly overweight.

Having children, as lovable as they are, is stressful – especially the parenting of very young children who provide parents few breaks. The more children one has, the more difficult it is to carve out time to exercise, unless the husband is in an unusual position to provide childcare for that, or pay for daytime childcare so that Mom can go to the gym!

The combo of aging, hormone shifts, bodily changes brought on by pregnancy, stress, and reduced sleep all together add to the probability of weight gain. No, its permanence is not necessarily inevitable, but it’s something for couples to be compassionate about, with each other, rather than destructive, critical, or non-communicative about.

I’m hoping that the OP and his wife will take such understandings along with the importance of a healthy sex life, to counseling with them. I think we should pray for them that they do just that.