Wife is OBESE

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tundramom said:
Did anyone else notice that on post #69 the troll gave himself away?

Steph
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Post 69 occurred first because I accidentally boxed his quote incorrectly, and in turn he then followed by attributing to himself a quote from me (or vice-versa). The wrong posters are being quoted and responded to. It’s not “evidence” of anything. 🙂
 
Eliza10 said:
Whats more favorable anyway? To go with your gut that he is a troll or take the post for what it is? But then you are unable to avoid the conclusion that he is an insensitive and unkind man, at best. I think the former is kinder. I go with that.
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No, it is not a conclusion that one is “unable to avoid”.

He has said things he should not…in terms of the language he has used. This does not mean one should conclude that he is an “insensitive and unkind man”, but that he has said some insensitive things, on an anonymous forum in an expression of his frustration.

Also, as I said before…

If he’s trolling, we have lost nothing in having this discussion anyway. If he’s not trolling, then it’s an uncharitable accusation and assumption to accuse him of such.
 
underacloud said:
Many men dye their hair, or attempt to restore thinning hair, etc. But it is not a parallel here for two key reasons:

a) There is nothing one does to contribute to their changing hair colour or thinning to begin with. Conversely, becoming overweight is to do with what one does…consuming more calories than they need. (putting aside factors such as pregnancy, health conditions, etc)

b) There is no health issue with hair colour. It is a purely aesthetic consideration. Weight is not.

My hair is both greying and thinning. But my wife doesn’t care at all (so she says). And when I put on a little too much weight, she didn’t care either…but I did. I hated it (and it wasn’t even that much weight). The body changes as we age and I can’t eat the way I used to. I’ve moderated my diet and increased exercise to stay healthy and in (hopefully) good shape. I do think we owe it to our familes to do so.

Having said that, if my hair bothered my wife, I’d attempt to do something about it.
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Has the OP said one word about his wife’s health or how she feels? If he did, I missed it. What I’ve heard from him is all about him and what he wants. He says she hates the gym, he says she makes excuses when he nags her, but if he knows how she feels about her weight, he gives no indication.

Nagging rarely changes anyone.
 
yellowbird said:
If SHE doesn’t want to change, in my opinion you have two choices:
  1. Look beyond her exterior at the woman you married and ask God to help you love her as He loves her - unconditionally. Be faithful to the vows you made to her when she was 21 and spend eternity in heaven.
  2. Divorce her because the weight she gained repulses you which is a WONDERFUL teaching tool for your children, find a thinner woman who turns you on and spend eternity in hell.
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This is a ridiculous choice you offer here. A man can’t expect his wife to at least try to look good for him? We recognize that people are attracted by physical beauty, but then when we take the vows that attraction no longer even matters? We are to pretend that physical beauty no longer means anything to us? What are we, all spirit now? Have we ceased to be human?

Then you offer this choice, leave or accept the situation as is. Pretend that fat is thin, and ugly is beautiful. Doesn’t the wife have any responsibility to at least try to be attractive to her husband? It sounds almost deceptive to me. A man is attracted by a woman’s beauty, and then when he takes the vow to love her in sickness and health, she lets herself go. She no longer has any responsibility to attract him, but his love must remain the same. It sounds like a trap.
 
EasterJoy said:
Has the OP said one word about his wife’s health or how she feels? If he did, I missed it. What I’ve heard from him is all about him and what he wants. He says she hates the gym, he says she makes excuses when he nags her, but if he knows how she feels about her weight, he gives no indication.

Nagging rarely changes anyone.
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Yes, that’s very true!

I hope, if he’s still reading through this discussion, that he may understand that nagging and a generally negative apporach are not going to help. And I sure hope he doesn’t ever use words like “beast” to describe his wife again.
 
Sorry to hear of such a sad situation. Sadly gluttony is so commonplace in our society today- even many devout Catholics give in to this temptation. Personally, I don’t think motherhood is a valid excuse for obesity as I know many mothers who work hard to regain their beautiful figures for themselves and their husbands. I feel for you because I think married couples should strive to be attractive to each other, not only physically but on every level. It’s obvious that you’re genuinely trying to help your wife and she’s resisting. You may want to speak with your pastor or a deacon- someone who can give you good solid counsel. Pray a lot. Try to keep positive.
 
EasterJoy said:
Has the OP said one word about his wife’s health or how she feels? If he did, I missed it. What I’ve heard from him is all about him and what he wants. He says she hates the gym, he says she makes excuses when he nags her, but if he knows how she feels about her weight, he gives no indication.

Nagging rarely changes anyone.
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Good point.

Nagging normally repels people. The more this guy nags his wife, the more weight she will gain. He’s not helping her. Emotions have a large effect on people’s decisions, and so he needs to recognize that his wife’s weight problem is more than just a question of overeating or not workingout. His attitude could be causing her anxiety and depression that leads her to eat the way she does.

But at the same time, we have to recognize that men have emotions too, and the way she looks is going to have an emotional affect on him. It is an error to pretend that men have no emotions or passions, or that his love of his wife is disconnected from these emotions.

The point is that both people affect each other emotionally, and therefore both bear a responsibility to further the relationship.
 
I’ll tell you what. Being overweight is better than having PPD and losing weight because of that depression and anxiety, and ending up in a psychiatric ward for 5 days.

THAT I have been through, and I’d take being overweight any day, and I’m sure my husband would have, too.

I’m sick of this thread. Get your eyes off your wife’s body, OP, and back on Jesus.

Unsubscribing.
 
haedron said:
Fair enough, didn’t mean to take you out of context.

That being said, I think I still disagree. There are lots of places where he’s bound to meet fit, attractive women besides the gym. I don’t think it’s important for him to change his habits in this way because of his wife’s insecurities, PROVIDED that he remains faithful to her.

Remaining faithful to his spouse is his problem whether he’s at the gym, the office, the supermarket, etc. I think his fidelity is an entirely separate issue from his wife’s weight.
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I didn’t bring up infidelity, someone else did.

Yes, one can meet women who are more ________ than one’s wife pretty much anywhere. But in each of those places, one that is generally balanced out by all the women who are the opposite. At the gym, he is going to be meeting women who are like he is: very if not overly concerned about their physical appearance, and many of whom are much less dressed than women he meets at the office or store. And there’s a reinforcing effect of going to the gym: you may be going just for the exercise, but the other aspects creep in, not like when people exercise on their own.

And I wasn’t suggesting he drop the gym because of his wife but for himself. I’m in no way saying his wife is not overweight, but I think he may also have some things to work on in himself, and that doing so may help him to better accept the situation with his wife, about which he really can do nothing.
 
Jennifoo said:
Sorry to hear of such a sad situation. Sadly gluttony is so commonplace in our society today- even many devout Catholics give in to this temptation. Personally, **I don’t think motherhood is a valid excuse **for obesity as I know many mothers who work hard to regain their beautiful figures for themselves and their husbands. I feel for you because I think married couples should strive to be attractive to each other, not only physically but on every level. It’s obvious that you’re genuinely trying to help your wife and she’s resisting. You may want to speak with your pastor or a deacon- someone who can give you good solid counsel. Pray a lot. Try to keep positive.
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Has gluttony been determined?
Obesity runs the gambit of who it affects.
Motherhood may be a reason, nevertheless. It’s an all encompassing endeavor.
Is it known that she is willfully/purposefully resisting? Is it known that she is resisting subconsciously?
We do not know.
 
Tietjen said:
I refuse to believe that this poster is doing anything more than trolling. Otherwise, I would have to conclude that there are husbands out there like this and I’m not prepared to see mankind as being that hopeless. Grow up poster! :mad:
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I agree.
 
cheezey said:
But there are husbands out there like this, that’s the thing. My other half said early on that he would not have even given me a second look had I been overweight. What’s worse, when he said that, I was going through a tough time and weighed about 92 pounds. I made a remark that I cannot mention here, but the bottom line is he thinks anything over 100 pounds for my height, which is a whopping 5", is overweight. But yes, Op should be expressing his concerns and feelings more gracefully, patiently, respectfully, and with encouragement.
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My sympathies.
 
jimmy said:
Good point.

Nagging normally repels people. The more this guy nags his wife, the more weight she will gain. He’s not helping her. Emotions have a large effect on people’s decisions, and so he needs to recognize that his wife’s weight problem is more than just a question of overeating or not workingout. His attitude could be causing her anxiety and depression that leads her to eat the way she does.

But at the same time, we have to recognize that men have emotions too, and the way she looks is going to have an emotional affect on him. It is an error to pretend that men have no emotions or passions, or that his love of his wife is disconnected from these emotions.

The point is that both people affect each other emotionally, and therefore both bear a responsibility to further the relationship.
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I will say this for him: He wants to know what is going to work, and he knows that what he’s tried isn’t it.

He needs to realize that, paradoxically, the more his wife feels he is nagging her about her weight or, worse yet, holding her in contempt because she isn’t achieving goals that he set for her without her consent, the less she is going to be willing or able to achieve those goals.

Blame her, condemn her, doom her. Love her, transform her into a better version of herself: Not Your Version, but Hers. That’s the way it works.

I could give him this advice, though, about how to encourage his wife to want to change of her own accord. He might try a book titled “Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard”, written by Chip and Dan Heath. It was written to teach people how to be successful at effecting change in their organizations, and it explains a huge amount about what is known about encouraging other people to embrace change. If he wants to change things around his house, that has information in it that he needs to understand, and it could help him.
 
Crescentinus said:
I hope that he is. Otherwise, using the “troll” label on him would render him untouchable.
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He’s repeatedly using extremely inflammatory language and aiming it at his wife. I don’t think some version of “are you for real?” was remotely on the same level as he chose to set the discussion himself, even asking if he was a troll.
 
EasterJoy said:
He’s repeatedly using extremely inflammatory language and aiming it at his wife. I don’t think some version of “are you for real?” was remotely on the same level as he chose to set the discussion himself, even asking if he was a troll.
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I know.

That said, I find it sad that he’s doing it to his wife.
 
Crescentinus said:
I know.

That said, I find it sad that he’s doing it to his wife.
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He did say he came here because he can’t say anything like this to anyone he knows.

I don’t know about you, and yes, he’s saying some very extreme things, but I wouldn’t want people I know to be able to read my mind. I wouldn’t have any friends left! So maybe he’s venting.

If he’s wise, he’ll delete his browsing history like about…now. Heaven forbid any poor woman read this thread and think her husband wrote it. If she didn’t fall apart, she might bean him with a cast iron skillet in his sleep. I’m angry with the way he’s been posting, but in a calm moment I wouldn’t wish onto my worst enemy what I’d want to do to him if I were in her shoes. I’d be pumping some iron, alright, I’d give him that!!
 
EasterJoy said:
He did say he came here because he can’t say anything like this to anyone he knows.

I don’t know about you, and yes, he’s saying some very extreme things, but I wouldn’t want people I know to be able to read my mind. I wouldn’t have any friends left! So maybe he’s venting.

If he’s wise, he’ll delete his browsing history like about…now. Heaven forbid any poor woman read this thread and think her husband wrote it. If she didn’t fall apart, she might bean him with a cast iron skillet in his sleep. I’m angry with the way he’s been posting, but in a calm moment I wouldn’t wish onto my worst enemy what I’d want to do to him if I were in her shoes. I’d be pumping some iron, alright, I’d give him that!!
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On one hand, I can somewhat understand how he feels about the situation, especially about his wife being fat. But, him venting like this is not advisable.
 
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