Wife is OBESE

[TheRealJuliane]

Youngest child is 13. They’ve been married 21 years. 21 - 13 = 8 years of productive marriage time. OP said they didn’t start having kids for 3-4 years after they got married, so we now have 4 or 5 years in which to have multiple children (as many as 8?), and gain 10 lbs. of baby weight per child. (Wife started at 110 lbs. and is now 190, which is an 80-lb. weight gain.)

Yeah, the numbers don’t add up.

 

[EasterJoy]

Exactly. I work with a lady about 5.2 and almost 200 pounds. She has a gorgeous face, is very flirtatious, flaunts her curves,and always has a bunch of young guys hanging around…

I’m surprised that no one has brought up the fact that in many communities- African American, many Hispanics, some areas of India… big women are considered extremely attractive. Anyone can look at art through the ages and see that what we find attractive is largely a function of what our culture tells us is attractive.

Exactly…history shows us not just the Venus of Botticelli, but also the Venus of Willendorf!

 

[VivienneJ]

Youngest child is 13. They’ve been married 21 years. 21 - 13 = 8 years of productive marriage time. OP said they didn’t start having kids for 3-4 years after they got married, so we now have 4 or 5 years in which to have multiple children (as many as 8?), and gain 10 lbs. of baby weight per child. (Wife started at 110 lbs. and is now 190, which is an 80-lb. weight gain.)

Yeah, the numbers don’t add up.

Taking a quick look at the table I have here, at 5’2 and 190lbs, she’s around 50lbs overweight. Which probably does put a shorter person into the ‘obese’ category, but not by a huge amount, and she is certainly not twice the size she should be.

 

[JackieMom]

Taking a quick look at the table I have here, at 5’2 and 190lbs, she’s around 50lbs overweight. Which probably does put a shorter person into the ‘obese’ category, but not by a huge amount, and she is certainly not twice the size she should be.

I think this REALLY varies. I’m 5’7" and I look and feel my best at about 120. At 140 I absolutely look chunky (I have weighed this postpartum and it’s not a good look!) At 190 I would probably be a size 18 and look awful. Those weight charts have always been way too generous for my body type, maybe because I have a lanky build and don’t have a lot of muscle. If I were 5 inches shorter, my ideal weight would probably be 95-100 lbs.

 

[LilyM]

I think this REALLY varies. I’m 5’7" and I look and feel my best at about 120. At 140 I absolutely look chunky (I have weighed this postpartum and it’s not a good look!) At 190 I would probably be a size 18 and look awful. Those weight charts have always been way too generous for my body type, maybe because I have a lanky build and don’t have a lot of muscle. If I were 5 inches shorter, my ideal weight would probably be 95-100 lbs.

I think ‘chunky’ is very much in the eye of the beholder which is a notoriously inaccurate measuring tool, that any weight within a healthy range is fine for any person notwithstanding your personal comfort level with what the experts have to say on the matter, and that gor you to say much beyond that is to veer into the teritory of encouraging body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think this REALLY varies. I’m 5’7" and I look and feel my best at about 120. At 140 I absolutely look chunky (I have weighed this postpartum and it’s not a good look!) At 190 I would probably be a size 18 and look awful. Those weight charts have always been way too generous for my body type, maybe because I have a lanky build and don’t have a lot of muscle. If I were 5 inches shorter, my ideal weight would probably be 95-100 lbs.

5’7" and 120 lbs is THIN. I’m 5’9" and if I were 140 I’d be pretty thin. 150 would be just about right.

Again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and since this was a troll anyway, there’s no point in discussing his supposedly OBESE wife.

 

[Candescent]

I think this REALLY varies. I’m 5’7" and I look and feel my best at about 120. At 140 I absolutely look chunky (I have weighed this postpartum and it’s not a good look!) At 190 I would probably be a size 18 and look awful. Those weight charts have always been way too generous for my body type, maybe because I have a lanky build and don’t have a lot of muscle. If I were 5 inches shorter, my ideal weight would probably be 95-100 lbs.

I agree, the tables are very debatable. I am 5.7- 1 35- and mostly pure muscle. It also depends on how the weight is stored. People often tell me that I look too thin.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Youngest child is 13. They’ve been married 21 years. 21 - 13 = 8 years of productive marriage time. OP said they didn’t start having kids for 3-4 years after they got married, so we now have 4 or 5 years in which to have multiple children (as many as 8?), and gain 10 lbs. of baby weight per child. (Wife started at 110 lbs. and is now 190, which is an 80-lb. weight gain.)

Yeah, the numbers don’t add up.

Juliane,I have a feeling this guy just has no idea how much his wife really weighs or how much she gained when. He may be one of those slender/wirey guys like my bil who is 5’8" and weighs about 150 lbs. The idea of anyone weighing near 200 is obviously overwhelming to him.

All that said, he definately shouldn’t be speaking about his wife the way he has, or allow his children or their friends to speak badly about her. I can see why she’s on “fat acceptance” websites if he approaches her at all like he has here.

She is likely depressed along with any strictly physical difficulties with loosing weight. He sounds high-strung and a bit cumpulsive. They could probably both use some therapy an it would have nothing to do with her weight.

 

[EasterJoy]

Juliane,I have a feeling this guy just has no idea how much his wife really weighs or how much she gained when. He may be one of those slender/wirey guys like my bil who is 5’8" and weighs about 150 lbs. The idea of anyone weighing near 200 is obviously overwhelming to him.

All that said, he definately shouldn’t be speaking about his wife the way he has, or allow his children or their friends to speak badly about her. I can see why she’s on “fat acceptance” websites if he approaches her at all like he has here.

She is likely depressed along with any strictly physical difficulties with loosing weight. He sounds high-strung and a bit cumpulsive. They could probably both use some therapy an it would have nothing to do with her weight.

If she let him anywhere near her when she steps on a scale, I would be astonished. By his own accounting, though, he at least knows better than to talk in the terms he feels around people he knows. That is why he’s asking his question here, as he wrote in his opening post: * I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.*

The way he’s posting here is totally unacceptable, but give him credit at least for biting his tongue when it counts. I also don’t think he understands that his earlier efforts to help her had a high likelihood of having exactly the opposite effect from what he intended.

IOW, it is not good enough for us to tell him that what he’s been doing won’t work and aren’t acceptable. On some level, I think he suspected as much when he came here. We need to also help him figure out how to do the best by his marriage and by his wife’s health. He is worried about both, and even if he concedes that he’s part of the problem, that doesn’t solve his problem.

I think he’d do well to talk to someone one-on-one and get some coaching about how to handle this in a constructive manner and what sort of expectations are realistic. I’d also repeat the idea that the book “Switch” could explain how the human mind tends to work when it comes to making changes…again, so he can change from how he thinks things “ought” to work and move over to working within the way things actually do work.

 

[Listener]

One thing I will say about this thread is that the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. I used to be slim when I was young. I never had to diet. I could eat all of the desserts I wanted. When I was 14, I remember that I was staying overnight with a friend, and we each ate 6 hot dogs! When I was in high school, I would eat my lunch and then go to a fast food place and order a hamburger and fries. I almost never gained an ounce, and if I did, I could lose 5 pounds by skipping a meal.

When I hit 40, all of this changed. I started putting on weight as though I was pregnant or something. I can give up all soft drinks. I can eat salads until carrots are growing out of my ears. I can walk for miles and miles. I never seem to lose an ounce no matter what I do.

Sometimes I think we worship thin people in the USA. There are actually some cultures out there that value some meat on your bones.

It is interesting to note that I read an article in the paper recently about overweight people. The article said that even though a BMI of 30 is considered obese, a recent study showed that there was no relationship between illness and a BMI between 30 and 35. The only people who were really in danger of health problems had a BMI of over 35.

This husband is going to be unhappily surprised when he gets to a certain age and starts noticing an inability to lose weight!

 

[Megan7]

Cat, a very thoughtful and thought-provoking response; thank you!

Personally, I have my own theory about why there is so much obesity nowdays (the spell check doesn’t like that word, but tough!). Part of it is the fast food phenomenon, but there’s this little ingredient that’s been in a lot of our food since 1975, called HFCS - High fructose corn syrup. Back when I was growing up, there was ONE obese person during all my years in school, K-12. ONE! There were some “chubby” people, but nothing to the extent of the problem now. You had to work at it to be obese!

The corn industry will tell you differently, but there is research that shows that little artificial molecule does things in our brains - it turns off the natural appetite suppressant leptin so that no matter how many calories we eat, we don’t feel satisfied. That mechanism alone is enough to cause people to eat far more calories than they can ever burn off in a day. Personally, I believe that some people are very susceptible to the effects of HFCS and these are the ones who gain ENORMOUS amounts of weight, somewhat like what happened to Native Americans when the settlers gave them alcohol (meaning they had bad effects, not that they gained weight!).

Yes, our lives are somewhat more sedentary, but we also have more leisure time available for all sorts of activities and sports. I just don’t see that as being the cause for this epidemic of obesity. I think we’ve been playing with our brain chemistry to make foods so sweet and the high intake of this particular molecule has been VERY destructive. I can tell you that in our household, I’ve seen my husband’s use of ketchup go down a LOT since I stopped buying the stuff with HFCS in it. We used to drink soda, back in the day, but it was made from cane sugar, not HFCS. And we stopped when we had one! Not 32 oz. per serving! Natural foods just work in our brains. Artificial stuff tricks your brain.

Well, that’s TRJ’s nutritional and food science lesson for the day, kids. Get rid of HFCS and I would be willing to bet my car (which I love a lot) that the obesity rate will start to go down on its own.

Excellent post as usual:thumbsup: I agree.

High fructose corn syrup is in everything.
I was even shocked to find it in Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
And its in everything that happens to be packaged in a box, bag, can,
bottle, etc. Sodas, salad dressings, candies, cookies, cakes, granola bars, juices, etc. etc.
Once I bought these “supposedly” healthy granola bars, they were too sweet for
my taste, sure enough they had HFCS
So, we have to spend hours reading labels.

If I am not mistaken HFCS is considered another genetically modified food or BEAST

 

[JackieMom]

I feel like we’ve really overlooked the clever stylistic choice the OP made to capitalize the whole word “obese” in the title. It really emphasizes his wife’s size to the reader. She’s not merely obese, she’s OBESE!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

One thing I will say about this thread is that the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. I used to be slim when I was young. I never had to diet. I could eat all of the desserts I wanted. When I was 14, I remember that I was staying overnight with a friend, and we each ate 6 hot dogs! When I was in high school, I would eat my lunch and then go to a fast food place and order a hamburger and fries. I almost never gained an ounce, and if I did, I could lose 5 pounds by skipping a meal.

When I hit 40, all of this changed. I started putting on weight as though I was pregnant or something. I can give up all soft drinks. I can eat salads until carrots are growing out of my ears. I can walk for miles and miles. I never seem to lose an ounce no matter what I do.

Sometimes I think we worship thin people in the USA. There are actually some cultures out there that value some meat on your bones.

It is interesting to note that I read an article in the paper recently about overweight people. The article said that even though a BMI of 30 is considered obese, a recent study showed that there was no relationship between illness and a BMI between 30 and 35. The only people who were really in danger of health problems had a BMI of over 35.

This husband is going to be unhappily surprised when he gets to a certain age and starts noticing an inability to lose weight!

This is so true. I am tall, and “big-boned,” but have always been relatively slender. Over the last 10 years I have added 15 lbs and maybe a few more. It’s not hard to gain weight over 40, or 50, but it is hard to lose. Of course, I’m not an exercise nut, I always wished that reading burned calories, I’d be very thin! Alas, it doesn’t.

But here’s one advantage - being too thin means your bones aren’t padded enough and can break more easily in a fall. I also think the body conserves fat naturally as we get older, unless there is some disease process going on. I’m not sure anyone has ever discovered exactly WHY this is, but I think it means something. Even healthy thin exercise freaks can gain weight after 40.

You mean, this imaginary husband, don’t you???

 

[JackieMom]

This is so true. I am tall, and “big-boned,” but have always been relatively slender. Over the last 10 years I have added 15 lbs and maybe a few more. It’s not hard to gain weight over 40, or 50, but it is hard to lose. Of course, I’m not an exercise nut, I always wished that reading burned calories, I’d be very thin! Alas, it doesn’t.

But here’s one advantage - being too thin means your bones aren’t padded enough and can break more easily in a fall. I also think the body conserves fat naturally as we get older, unless there is some disease process going on. I’m not sure anyone has ever discovered exactly WHY this is, but I think it means something. Even healthy thin exercise freaks can gain weight after 40.

You mean, this imaginary husband, don’t you???

From a bio standpoint, and in a nutshell, the physical changes women undergo around 40 serve as a signal to fertile males that they are not optimal reproductive partners and should be bypassed for more fertile looking ladies.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From a bio standpoint, and in a nutshell, the physical changes women undergo around 40 serve as a signal to fertile males that they are not optimal reproductive partners and should be bypassed for more fertile looking ladies.

Wow, really! I guess I never thought about that aspect. But these days, with younger men not wanting to have children until much later, if at all, that signal must get turned down, no? I mean there seem to be many younger man/older woman relationships …

So a tad overweight = not fertile? But in the Samoan culture, the opposite is true - an attractive woman is an obese woman. The skinnies are seen as unhealthy.

 

[EasterJoy]

Wow, really! I guess I never thought about that aspect. But these days, with younger men not wanting to have children until much later, if at all, that signal must get turned down, no? I mean there seem to be many younger man/older woman relationships …

So a tad overweight = not fertile? But in the Samoan culture, the opposite is true - an attractive woman is an obese woman. The skinnies are seen as unhealthy.

Yes, if you look at the fertility goddesses carved 20,000 years ago, the “fat women are neither attractive nor fertile” theory looks, well, ridiculous. It doesn’t hold water. Instead, you realize that the idea that skinny women are more desirable is taught, not biologically-based. (Whether any body type is intrinsically desirable or whether all beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, that is harder to say).

 

[Kit15]

Yes, if you look at the fertility goddesses carved 20,000 years ago, the “fat women are neither attractive nor fertile” theory looks, well, ridiculous. It doesn’t hold water. Instead, you realize that the idea that skinny women are more desirable is taught, not biologically-based. (Whether any body type is intrinsically desirable or whether all beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, that is harder to say).

I agree. It may be the PCOS thing again. We talked about it’s connection to being overweight. But it all tends to be in the middle areas (like the belly) giving a faux-pregnancy look. I look AMAZING from the knees down. No cellulite at all. Not a hint of cankles. As you move up though…

Though the two tend to go hand in hand we really don’t know what causes what. Being overweight can exacerbate the symptoms of PCOS (implying that being fat leads to PCOS). But PCOS also makes it particularly difficult to lose weight (implying that PCOS leads to being fat). Also not every overweight women has PCOS while there are skinny women that do! So I’d bet the fertility of an overweight women probably depends on other factors and not weight alone.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

The Catechism states we should always assume the best about people. Therefore, I will assume the man that created this thread is just frustrated because he has tried to help his wife but she hasn’t been complying. Did he want her to stop just to look good rather than out of genuine concern for her health? Maybe. But we shouldn’t automatically assume he is a troll or a terrible person. Sometimes when we are frustrated we say things we later regret, so let’s just hope this is one of those situations.

If your wife does not care about herself, the answer may be because you have not shown her proper care. This is something many good, loving husbands sometimes do. Women crave different kinds of attention than men crave, and sometimes men forget or don’t even know that, and it’s the same for wives to husbands. I have the feeling she may not be giving you the care you crave either, so honestly I would recommend finding a good Catholic marriage counselor (Dr. Ray Guarendi is always the best choice), and resolve your issues with your marriage counselor’s helping hand. This is more than her liking food; there is a huge problem in this marriage that neither of you is probably aware of, and you need to find a professional to help you find out what it is and how to fix it. Otherwise, you can say goodbye to your marriage, and I know deep down you do not want this. If there is anything in you that still wants this marriage to last, go to marriage counseling. Be supportive. Love your wife. Cooperate with the counselor, and for the love of God, put down your natural pride and don’t think you can do this by yourself. This situation needs a counselor. If you can’t afford one, you can always go to a Priest. Priests counsel hundreds of marriages in their lifetime, and they charge little or nothing at all.

 

[ComeHome2Rome]

Hi I don’t normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don’t weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I’m in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh.

We are Catholics and maybe not as crazy as some but we go to mass and I am a lector and my wife works with the youth group and confirmation kids because our kids are teenagers right now. So it is not like she just had a baby this year or anything. Our youngest is 13.

When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5’2. She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman’s only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don’t know what she is doing while I’m at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she’s slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can’t even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can’t make it with a girl who is just too fat.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she’s fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I’ve taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don’t want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don’t want to do that!

My suggestion is to work-out WITH her. Make it special couple time.

Also, Michael Walsh, a Catholic Fitness guy & who started Fit Church came out this January with his Faith & Fitness Challenge.

I am a woman about you wife’s same height & weight. If she’s anything like me, she couldn’t be happy with her weight right now, but probably doesn’t dwell on it much either making staying consistently “focused” on doing something about it nearly impossible. Please Help her.

Lastly, if you have to think of other women to be intimate with her, then you have got to tell her that and tell her you will have to abstain until you find yourself attracted enough to only be thinking of her. Don’t let her sin of gluttony create in you a sin of lust. Yes. This will be hurtful, as truth sometimes is, but will probably be the wake up call really needed to motivate her to do what she needs to for herself, for her marriage and for your children. But don’t just leave it at that, seriously work-out with her & make it special and encourage her positively.

***a friend of mine had her “wake up” call when she, her husband & her children were together at a softball game & a gunman started firing at everyone. She grabbed one of her children & ran, but was unable to make get her child & herself to safety because of her lack of fitness and excess weight- her husband, after getting their other children to safety came back & had to carry her the rest of the way. She & her child could have died or her husband for coming back into harm’s way. Excess weight is a very serious matter. Please help your wife through this. And please pray for me - I ordered the Faith & Fitness Challenge.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

News of a study recently came out that a high percentage of overweight children tested had a virus… I forget all the details.

ARTICLE

• 124 children, ages 8 to 18
• 67 were obese
• 57 were normal weight
• antibodies found in 15 of the obese children (22% of the obese children)
• antibodies found in 4 of those with normal weight (7% of the normal weight children)

The question is, did the virus cause the obesity, or did obesity make them more susceptible to the virus?