Wife is OBESE

[ComeHome2Rome]

Has the OP said one word about his wife’s health or how she feels? If he did, I missed it. What I’ve heard from him is all about him and what he wants. He says she hates the gym, he says she makes excuses when he nags her, but if he knows how she feels about her weight, he gives no indication.

Nagging rarely changes anyone.

Yes, in the original post he did say his wife had a full physical with full testing, including for thyroid, but she has no health problems except high blood pressure and to solve that health issue her doctor advised her to lose weight.

 

[ComeHome2Rome]

Hi I don’t normally post places but I am going nuts. My wife of 21 years used to be a real looker, slim fit long hair, nice to look at. She was so pretty when we got married everyone said so. Then about 17 years ago she started having kids and with each one she packed on about 10 pounds that she never lost. I know it happens and no one is 20 forever. But I take care of myself by going to the gym and not eating junk and I don’t weigh more than 10 lbs more than I did when I was in my 20s (I’m in my 40s now.) My wife on the other hand oh my gosh.

We are Catholics and maybe not as crazy as some but we go to mass and I am a lector and my wife works with the youth group and confirmation kids because our kids are teenagers right now. So it is not like she just had a baby this year or anything. Our youngest is 13.

When we got married she was I think 21 and she weighed maybe 110 lbs and she is 5’2. She had a great figure what a fox she was. Now I know for sure she weighs at least 190 which is a lot of fat on that small body. She is really huge and honestly I am not attracted to that kind of thing.

She says she is busy and has no self control and hates the gym. I bought her a set of weights and videos to do at home. They are barely used. I signed her up for Weight Watchers and a woman’s only gym. She let both memberships expire unused. I bought her an eliptical for Christmas in 2010 and it maybe has been turned on twice. This last christmas i bought her 12 sessions with a trainer and she has not even made one appointment. I bring home cookbooks about healthy eating and light cooking, and honestly her dinners arent that bad I don’t know what she is doing while I’m at work. Sometimes I see fast food wrappers in her car and I know she hides candy and drinks Cokes. Frankly, I am tired to trying to get her to like be attractive and take care of herself.

She wants romance and I do try but what I am supposed to do with this huge lady? I love her as the mother of my kids and my wife but there is honestly zero attraction and I am repulsed by how far she’s slipped and how she has let herself go. Its gross and I can’t even get aroused because I feel like I am in bed with an elephant. You men will know you can’t make it with a girl who is just too fat.

We had some good years but now I am about to walk out. I dont deserve this I did not marry a beast. She does NOT have a thyroid problem or a hormonal disorder because I made her have a complete workup in October and the doctor said she’s fine but has high blood pressure and needs to lose weight. That was when she was 190 and I bet she has packed on even more since then because obviously she does not even care about herself or about how I feel to be seen with this person in public. Like, I’ve taken care of myself and worked hard and here I am just married to this massive beast of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong I do love her. She is a good mom but has not enough energy because she is so big. She might be over 200 now who knows. How can I get her to fix this before I just give up? I know divorce is wrong and I guess that’s why I am coming here because I can’t talk about this to any of our friends.

I dont want to sound shallow but how do you stay married to someone whose looks are becoming repulsive and who does not even give a **** about changing that for you, or for her own health and sense of pride? She knows I love her and I don’t want to leave I just want her to get down to like maybe 125 and be my girl again.

Thanks for your help and please I am not a jerk just sick of her not caring about herself and not caring if I am turned off by her size. She tries to initiate sex and I usually go with it but it takes so much mental work to get past the thighs and the gut and the hanging bossoms that I end up thinking of other ladies just to get an erection and I don’t want to do that!

My suggestion is to work-out WITH her. Make it special couple time.

Also, Michael Walsh, a Catholic Fitness guy & who started Fit Church came out this January with his Faith & Fitness Challenge.

I am a woman about you wife’s same height & weight. If she’s anything like me, she couldn’t be happy with her weight right now, but probably doesn’t dwell on it much either making staying consistently “focused” on doing something about it. Help her.

Lastly, if you have to think of other women to be intimate with her, then you have got to tell her that and tell her you will have to abstain until you find yourself attracted enough to only be thinking of her. This will be hurtful, as truth sometimes is, but will probably be the wake up call to motivate her to do what she needs to for herself, for her marriage and for your children. But don’t just leave it at that, seriously work-out with her & make it special and encourage her positively.

***a friend of mine had her “wake up” call when she, her husband & her children were together at a softball game & a gunman started firing at everyone. She grabbed one of her children & ran, but was unable to make get her child & herself to safety because of her lack of fitness and excess weight- her husband, after getting their other children to safety came back & carried her. She & her child could have died. Excess weight is a very serious matter. Please help your wife through this. And please pray for me - I ordered the Faith & Fitness Challenge.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, in the original post he did say his wife had a full physical with full testing, including for thyroid, but she has no health problems except high blood pressure and to solve that health issue her doctor advised her to lose weight.

I do not mean his version of what the doctor says. I mean how she feels…how does her life seem to her, physically, emotionally? Does he know how she feels a) about her weight and b) how he’s approached her about losing weight?

 

[Catholic_Wife]

Nagging rarely changes anyone.

So true! My mother nagged me about my weight when I was a child and a teen, and all it did was force me to become a closet binge eater who kept gaining weight.

As for this situation, I am relying on the OP’s testimony. He has tried to help his wife get back to a healthy weight by purchasing gym memberships, exercise equipment and videos, and she doesn’t use them. Sounds willful to me, but. I’m not making an absolute judgement.

Buying her gym memberships, exercise equipment and videos and such is a form of nagging, which is apparently backfiring on him. Maybe if he tried a different approach…

This is a ridiculous choice you offer here. A man can’t expect his wife to at least try to look good for him?

According to the OP, she does try to make herself attractive to him, but he doesn’t want to look at it because he doesn’t like her size. If he’s even halfway abusive to her in person as he is about her in his posts, I can see where she would wouldn’t care about how she looks. Maybe she’s trying to repulse him to the point that he leaves her and lets her have a happy life. How many times have you heard about people who lose weight when they get divorced - especially when they come out of really abusive marriages?

Right - she should make an effort to stay healthy and 100lbs.

overweight is not healthy. And if she were posting, I could encourage her to do that.
First, 100# is NOT always a healthy weight for someone who is 5’2". Not that I put much stock in the BMI because it’s not the best measure of a person’s healthy weight (it tends to disregard things like bone density, muscle mass and breast tissue), but even the BMI gives the “normal” weight range for her height to be 104-131#. BMI CHART If her “set point” weight is closer to 130# (which is may be now that she’s 20 years older than she was when she got married), she’s 60# overweight instead of 90#. That’s a big difference. And her BMI is around 35, same as mine. Granted, nobody in public sees me naked, but nobody has ever called me “Wide Load” (and I even still have men who look at me with appreciation).

But she isn’t posting - he is. So what’s your advice for HIM? What’s your advice for the guy who calls his wife names, and says she disgusts him to the extent that he can only have sex with her after 4 beers, and even then he still hates it? He is the one who asked for advice… what do you tell him?

I would tell him that his wife probably has some degree of depression, and that her joining that online “fat acceptance website” is her way of trying to keep her self-esteem from being totally in the toilet. I would tell him to stop nagging her and to be more loving and supportive. I would say that HIS attitude can affect HER attitude a great deal. I would tell him to stop being hypercritical of his wife by pointing out all of her flaws and to appreciate that she still loves him despite his obvious hatred of her. I would tell him that my husband married me when I was just as “fat” as his wife is and I have lost 20# (without really trying) in the past 7 years - but not because he has nagged me. I would tell him to talk to his wife to see if she actually wants to lose weight - for herself, not for him - and if so, what she wants him to do to support her in her efforts … then do those things. My husband says he wants to help me lose more weight, but he doesn’t follow through with the things I ask him to help me with, which makes it harder for me to lose the weight.

 

[JackieMom]

Wow, really! I guess I never thought about that aspect. But these days, with younger men not wanting to have children until much later, if at all, that signal must get turned down, no? I mean there seem to be many younger man/older woman relationships …

So a tad overweight = not fertile? But in the Samoan culture, the opposite is true - an attractive woman is an obese woman. The skinnies are seen as unhealthy.

I wouldn’t say a tad overweight means infertile, but anything other than an optimal weight (including being too thin) sends a message to a man that the woman is a suboptimal choice to carry his offspring. The constellation of physical changes that happen around menopause are a definite signal to men that the fertility is not there. As humans, we obviously bypass a lot of this stuff (women marry poor providers/protectors, men marry overweight or underweight women…) but biologically, we are always seeking the best possible biological outcome so that our offspring survive. If there are cultures where obesity in women is appreciated, it is probably because to that group of people, at some point being overweight meant increased chance of survival. Sometimes it indicated a higher class of people that had unlimited food versus people who were undernourished and the preference atuck beyond its usefulness. We’re humans, so we also make emotional and vow-based attachments to others, unlike animals who are all about survival - but we’re still a little BEASTLY!

 

[ComeHome2Rome]

I do not mean his version of what the doctor says. I mean how she feels…how does her life seem to her, physically, emotionally? Does he know how she feels a) about her weight and b) how he’s approached her about losing weight?

I don’t know that it should matter how she feels, but she should be putting her husband & children above herself and if she’s unhealthy (obese w/high blood pressure) than she’s not able to give 100% to her husband or children. Keep in mind I’m obese myself & working on this issue personally.

When a woman gets married, according to the Bible “A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband.” 1 Cor. 7:4 I don’t think it’s up to how she feels, but how he feels as her lawful husband.

This woman’s sin of gluttony is negatively affecting her marriage & family. Whether she feels like she should address it or not doesn’t matter. She can choose Not to handle it and lose her husband & family & possibly heaven in the next life OR she can choose to handle it and reconcile with her husband and with God.

In the U.S. gluttony is so common most of us (me included) have a hard time wrapping out minds around the truth the Church has taught consistently…gluttony is a mortal sin.

Please pray for this wife and please pray for me that we can conquer this deadly sin before it completely destroys us and those around us.

 

[gh4]

I took care of a woman many years ago who had dementia. She had troubles eating, when she’d eat, she’d say “I can’t eat, if I get fat he will hate me” “oh no, no food, I’m getting fat” and more. These things were said in a panic stricken voice. This woman weighed 80 pounds and was 5’6" tall. She was little more than skin and bones. He husband took her home every weekend, and then when she’d get back on Sunday she was even more anxious about eating and weight. This woman was in her 70’s.
Then unexpectedly her husband died, and with there being no more visits, she gradually became less panic stricken about food. When I left the facility, she was at about 130 pounds and we discovered that she was a beautiful woman and quite pleasant to be around because she was much more relaxed. When she weighed 80 or 90 pounds, you couldn’t see the beauty.

This woman had been told for 50 years that if she gained weight her husband would leave her. Their children told us of how important it was for the husband that she stay very slender, and how it really ruined their mothers enjoyment of anything to do with food, birthdays, holidays etc.
Isn’t it a shame that she had to be 70+ years old and in the middle of Alzheimer’s before she could enjoy a meal and look pretty and healthy?

I don’t think any man has the right to demand that someone stay thin and make it a requirement of their marriage. While I don’t think it’s good to be 150 pounds overweight, some women carry extra pounds with ease and really have no health issues with it. And we have to take into the picture the woman’s age and that we usually weigh more as we get older.
This man who finds it so easy to stay in shape doesn’t realize that it IS MUCH easier for men to lose weight and easier for them to stay in shape. Add a few pregnancies to the mix and yes,women tend to gain weight much more easily and it’s more difficult to get it off.

 

[PrayRosary]

From a bio standpoint, and in a nutshell, the physical changes women undergo around 40 serve as a signal to fertile males that they are not optimal reproductive partners and should be bypassed for more fertile looking ladies.

When you get to Heaven theres gonna be two women who are going to want a chat with you. There names: Sarah and Elizabeth

 

[ComeHome2Rome]

When you get to Heaven theres gonna be two women who are going to want a chat with you. There names: Sarah and Elizabeth

Apples & Oranges. JackieMom was speaking from a biological stand point. You’re referencing two well known cases in which were biologically impossible. God had to intervene in those two cases. With Him all things are possible.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I took care of a woman many years ago who had dementia. She had troubles eating, when she’d eat, she’d say “I can’t eat, if I get fat he will hate me” “oh no, no food, I’m getting fat” and more. These things were said in a panic stricken voice. This woman weighed 80 pounds and was 5’6" tall. She was little more than skin and bones. He husband took her home every weekend, and then when she’d get back on Sunday she was even more anxious about eating and weight. This woman was in her 70’s.
Then unexpectedly her husband died, and with there being no more visits, she gradually became less panic stricken about food. When I left the facility, she was at about 130 pounds and we discovered that she was a beautiful woman and quite pleasant to be around because she was much more relaxed. When she weighed 80 or 90 pounds, you couldn’t see the beauty.

**This woman had been told for 50 years that if she gained weight her husband would leave her. **Their children told us of how important it was for the husband that she stay very slender, and how it really ruined their mothers enjoyment of anything to do with food, birthdays, holidays etc.
Isn’t it a shame that she had to be 70+ years old and in the middle of Alzheimer’s before she could enjoy a meal and look pretty and healthy?

I don’t think any man has the right to demand that someone stay thin and make it a requirement of their marriage. While I don’t think it’s good to be 150 pounds overweight, some women carry extra pounds with ease and really have no health issues with it. And we have to take into the picture the woman’s age and that we usually weigh more as we get older.
This man who finds it so easy to stay in shape doesn’t realize that it IS MUCH easier for men to lose weight and easier for them to stay in shape. Add a few pregnancies to the mix and yes,women tend to gain weight much more easily and it’s more difficult to get it off.

Oh my gosh, what a touching but SAD story! All that time, she was really being emotionally abused. :bighanky:

That really makes me sick. But so happy that at least for some of her life, she was finally able to relax and enjoy eating!!!

I wonder if 50 years of being too thin may have helped cause or exacerbate her dementia? Brains need fat in order to work properly!

 

[Elizabeth502]

Oh my gosh, what a touching but SAD story! All that time, she was really being emotionally abused. :bighanky:

That really makes me sick. But so happy that at least for some of her life, she was finally able to relax and enjoy eating!!!

Yes, she had been objectified by someone who was using her and considered her his property, not any more advanced than some of the most backward countires/cultures which still view women as mere toys of their husbands. It is certainly, as we know, NOT a Christian view of women.

Of course, if only that woman had realized that many, many men leave perfectly beautiful, shapely women with fantastic personalities, for the “novelty” of merely a different woman or, in a weak moment, for someone who seduces him for her own selfish reasons. Neither age nor attractiveness necessarily prevents husbands from wandering. Check out many celebrity marriages, consisting of gorgeous babes, in which the guy has one or several affairs. (I’m leaving names out of this, but it is a common occurrence. It is a similar common occurrence among the not-so-famous.)

Naturally, fading beauty or shape has been, can be, an additional excuse, but I’ve known of plenty of men who have had affairs with (or left their wives completely for) uglier, heavier women than the ones they’re married to.

 

[PrayRosary]

Apples & Oranges. JackieMom was speaking from a biological stand point. You’re referencing two well known cases in which were biologically impossible. God had to intervene in those two cases. With Him all things are possible.

Yeah but Abe and Zach mustve still been attracted to them even though they were well over 40!

 

[JackieMom]

Yeah but Abe and Zach mustve still been attracted to them even though they were well over 40!

Not necessarily. But anyway, I never said that no man is ever attracted to, or willing to sleep with, a woman over 40! Unlike animals, human connections play into our attraction to one another.

On another note, are we even sure those stories are factual?

 

[ComeHome2Rome]

Not necessarily. But anyway, I never said that no man is ever attracted to, or willing to sleep with, a woman over 40! Unlike animals, human connections play into our attraction to one another.

On another note, are we even sure those stories are factual?

Goodness. Yes, we’re sure they’re factual…if they weren’t Jesus would not have come into existence Abraham/Sarah are his ancestors.

 

[The_Bucket]

I somehow sincerely doubt that Sarah was in her 90s or something like that. Goes along with the usual exaggeration of lifespans that you find in the Old Testament. We have no idea how old Elizabeth was. All Scripture says is “in her old age.”

I’d venture to say that women conceiving even in their mid-to-late 40s was considered remarkable back then given that lifespans were shorter as were the windows of fertility. Women being fertile from their mid teens to nearly 50 these days is a result of modern nutrition.

 

[Serap]

That’s fantastic and keep in mind I’m not setting a bar like this. I know that schedules change, priorities change, life happens and staying physically fit is not easy. I personally am not the same guy I was just six years ago and that’s because I’ve got two kids now. Of course, I was an amateur MMA fighter so I was doing crazy stuff all the time.

But I do what I can. I work out during my lunch hour every day. I occasionally get in the gym with my wife when our schedule permits. I’ve asked her to cook meals that are healthier for all of us and she’s heartily agreed with the suggestions. It keeps me healthy even if I wish I had more time to get back to being really strong. I was never ripped; no genes for that. But I was definitely stronger than I am now.

Being healthy matters. Not abusing the body the Lord gave us matters. He is understanding about “life happening” and spouses need to do the same. Getting to the point where you’re very unhealthy due to weight is simply not acceptable. I’m sorry, it’s just not. And I think most people who are that unhealthy and that overweight agree! They know what’s going on. Giving them excuses is not helpful. Showing them ways out of their predicament is what’s needed. Doing it all with Christ-like love is absolutely essential.

Us too. I work out on my lunch breaks too and we eat healthy food at night. My husband and I always made health a priority even before we met eachother.

We have the same goals in terms of health. We are both in our 40’s, getting wrinkles, losing hair (him), losing collagen and subtaneous fat in our faces, BUT we are both lean and in great shape. As a result of taking care of ourselves, we are both look younger than our chronological ages.

Healthy people generally stay that way if it has always been a priority.

 

[Serap]

Then I don’t know what you had against my posts. I said repeatedly that the guy is a jerk, but you kept opposing what I was saying.

it’s b/c this thread hits a personal nerve for a lot of us and we find ourselves self projecting our own insecurities (if we had a husband like the OP) and we become defensive.

 

[Serap]

I think this REALLY varies. I’m 5’7" and I look and feel my best at about 120. At 140 I absolutely look chunky (I have weighed this postpartum and it’s not a good look!) At 190 I would probably be a size 18 and look awful. Those weight charts have always been way too generous for my body type, maybe because I have a lanky build and don’t have a lot of muscle. If I were 5 inches shorter, my ideal weight would probably be 95-100 lbs.

I’m like you. I look my best muscular and around 127 lbs. I’m 5’8".

 

[Serap]

One thing I will say about this thread is that the older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. I used to be slim when I was young. I never had to diet. I could eat all of the desserts I wanted. When I was 14, I remember that I was staying overnight with a friend, and we each ate 6 hot dogs! When I was in high school, I would eat my lunch and then go to a fast food place and order a hamburger and fries. I almost never gained an ounce, and if I did, I could lose 5 pounds by skipping a meal.

When I hit 40, all of this changed. I started putting on weight as though I was pregnant or something. I can give up all soft drinks. I can eat salads until carrots are growing out of my ears. I can walk for miles and miles. I never seem to lose an ounce no matter what I do.

Sometimes I think we worship thin people in the USA. There are actually some cultures out there that value some meat on your bones.

It is interesting to note that I read an article in the paper recently about overweight people. The article said that even though a BMI of 30 is considered obese, a recent study showed that there was no relationship between illness and a BMI between 30 and 35. The only people who were really in danger of health problems had a BMI of over 35.

This husband is going to be unhappily surprised when he gets to a certain age and starts noticing an inability to lose weight!

BMI has nothing to do with anything unless you are actually obese. A muscular person will have a high BMI and not be fat.

what is unhealthy is a high body fat percentage; especially fat covering your organs (visceral fat). That is the #1 killer in the USA. Visceral fat. Think fat belly.

You can have a BMI of 19 with a high amount of visceral fat…it’s called “skinny fat”. It’s a person who diets to be thin, but has zero muscle. This is just as unhealthy as an obese person.

Think Nicole Richie, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton… amoung other thin non-muscular Hollywood celebrities.

 

[Serap]

But here’s one advantage - being too thin means your bones aren’t padded enough and can break more easily in a fall. I also think the body conserves fat naturally as we get older, unless there is some disease process going on. I’m not sure anyone has ever discovered exactly WHY this is, but I think it means something. Even healthy thin exercise freaks can gain weight after 40.

You mean, this imaginary husband, don’t you???

this is not entirely true. If a person is thin, but very lean with lean muscle mass, they will have strong dense bones.

If a person is thin with no muscle mass (skinny fat) then they are at risk for bone loss.

Gywneth Paltrow already has osteopina (spelling) b/c of her diet and lack of fats in her diet. She literally starves herself into being skinny fat.

She is more unhealthy than an overweight person.

It’s all about how much muscle you have. Fat people have lots of muscle. It’s unheard of for an obese person to have osteoperosis.