Wife obese and snoring, unrepentant

[TheRealJuliane]

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I don’t mean this to be judgmental or anything because I know how tough situations like this can be, but it really does open one’s eyes to the fact that stuff like this may be the reason that the divorce rate amongst Catholics is no better than that of society at large. We can do better than this. **Let’s treat Marriage as the Holy Sacrament it is, and not encourage the OP to leave his Marriage and break up his family just because his wife is out of shape. **
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Absolutely NO ONE who has replied up to this point has recommended that. In fact we are all rather stunned that any counselor would suggest this and that any husband would consider it.

 

[Serap]

I have to admit that if my husband became morbidly obese, I’d be feeling the same way as OP.

 

[ringil]

I’m sorry your wife has eaten herself into a state where she is failing at her wifely duties to meet your needs. Have you considered enrolling her in an obesity and depression support group? Maybe go with her a few times so she’s comfortable and feels your support. Perhaps you can help take over a chore or two if she’s stressed out.

The fat can sometimes kid themselves into “size acceptance” which is dangerous. Gluttony, depression, and indolence are nothing to be proud of. But show her support, offer a gym membership (“I’ll go with you, honey, and we could make this our ‘us’ time”), and encourage her to seek out psychological support if necessary.

Don’t separate. As a child of a broken marriage, its no fun all the way around.

Good luck!

This is SUCH an obnoxious post!! WOW! It’s actually kind of funny it’s so obnoxious!

 

[ringil]

This struck me, too. That you even compare her weight then to now, a couple of decades and five children later, is sad. Face it, she is never going to be 120 pounds again. And you’re never going to look as good as you did on your wedding day, either.

And, “healing separation”? For you or for her to heal? My goodness, if I thought my fiance would ever suggest such a thing due to my weight gain over 20 years I wouldn’t marry him to begin with.

I think there is a right and a wrong way to approach this, and I have to say I think you are taking the wrong one. It is one thing to say “My wife is obese, I’m worried about her, and it affects my attraction to her and our relationship. How can I help her?” This isn’t unreasonable. It allows for the approach that you are in this together, that a lot of things have happened over the years, that you love her and want to grow old with her.

What you are saying though, is “My wife is obese and unattractive, it’s her own fault, and she is ‘unrepentant’, so how can I fix her? And if I can’t, I’m separating from her.” Blaming her and threatening separation doesn’t fix anything. What motivation does she have right now to eat better or exercise? She has a husband who fixates on what she used to weigh over 20 years ago, and labels her as “unrepentant”. I agree with the previous poster, I’d like to know what you mean by “unrepentant”.

Please be kind to her. Help her instead of blaming her. Tell her you love her. Cook healthy meals for her. Tell her you want both of you to grow old together, and that you are worried about her health- not what she weighed 20 years ago. Not that you want to separate until she is “repentant”. You’re married, you’re in this together, for life, in sickness and health. Don’t abandon her because she doesn’t look the way she used to.

I totaly agree. My wife has put on a few and so have I since we were married. One spouse dones’nt “get” the other to want to lose weight. It has to come from them!

Talking about a spouses weight will only serve to DE-MOTICATE and depress them.

We have to love our bodies enough to want to improve our health. Exercise comes from positive emotions and a feeling of freedom.

Jeez. . . . .

 

[horselvr]

Maybe because I’m older now but I’d take an obese old guy even with a third eye in the middle of his forehead if he was a good Catholic soul with a good, kind heart.

 

[ringil]

The virtue of temperance disposes us to avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine.

CCC 2290

I’d say that’s an official Church document.

BTW, I know men who cook dinner after coming home from work, and do everthing else when they are home on their days off, and the wife still manages to gain weight. Sorry, but chasing after the kids 5 days a week is often not the cause or the problem.

The truth is that most women believe that a “man’s” fitness program will not work for them. One only needs to look at women in the military to decide if this is true or not.

Unless the doctor has given a reason, then a husband is reasonable to expect his wife to take responsibility for her health and do something about it that gets results. There is no credit for effort when your health fails, anymore than it is acceptable simply to try to stop smoking, rather than successfully quitting. When our Catholic duty comes to our neighbors, we are called to make every attempt, but when it comes to our personal obligations, we are called to get results, in every aspect of our lives.

Are you married?

 

[cviolette]

Maybe because I’m older now but I’d take an obese old guy even with a third eye in the middle of his forehead if he was a good Catholic soul with a good, kind heart.

LOL! Love the way you worded and I totally agree with you. The most important quality in a relationship is does that person bring you closer to God.

 

[ringil]

Sorry but YOUR body is not MY body. Everybody’s body is different and there are a bazilion different factors that go into weight gain and weight loss. It isn’t all about food control. Saying “If I can do it,then you have no excuse for yourself” is an extremely insensitive and ignorant attitude.

BTW You look GREAT in you signature pic! And HAPPY too!! And that is really the most important thing!

 

[ringil]

A personal trainer, coming to the house 4-5 days a week? If it isn’t the wife asking, I doubt that the trainer would agree to come. There has to be a seed of self-motivation in her client, or the trainer would be wasting her time.

There are gyms at which the entire clientelle are female. Some women don’t realize that, and does make a difference.

Yeah, get the wife a personal trainer for a present!!

That is sure to go over just great. I’d rue the day I do something like that for my wife!!

 

[silicasandra]

Yeah, get the wife a personal trainer for a present!!

That is sure to go over just great. I’d rue the day I do something like that for my wife!!

If my husband did that for me, I’d make sure to hire him a personal organizer the very next day.

 

[cviolette]

If I knew my husband would leave me if I got too fat and stayed there, I’d be devastated. I would feel I had been abandoned already. That’s all there is to it.

If I were to lose the weight, the wound of that devastation wouldn’t automatically disappear. I’d always wonder if he had one foot out the door, looking for imperfections in me to warrant it. It would take a lot of work to heal that wound.

My husband has on more than one occasion mentioned leaving me if I was to get fat. He made many mean comments about my weight when pregnant. Those are things you don’t forget.

I lost the weight from my 4 pregnancies and look good but it took a long time to not nitpick at every part of my body. I am happy with my body now but not so happy with the husband.

I know that my husband does not love me or a few extra pounds would not matter.

 

[petitfleur]

My husband has on more than one occasion mentioned leaving me if I was to get fat. He made many mean comments about my weight when pregnant. Those are things you don’t forget.

I lost the weight from my 4 pregnancies and look good but it took a long time to not nitpick at every part of my body. I am happy with my body now but not so happy with the husband.

I know that my husband does not love me or a few extra pounds would not matter.

Sorry to hear things haven't changed with your husband. I remember some of your posts from a while back.

 

[ringil]

Well, I will say that more immature men can be real jerks when it comes to this issue.

I used to speak this way to an ex-girlfriend when I was in my early 20’s- it was pretty bad and nearly abusive in my opinion.

I even did a little of it when I was first married but not as direct as I was when I was younger. I would say things like “don’t you think you’ve had enough bread?” or “you need to eat more vegatables.”

But with time I saw that when I spoke this way it really had more to do with me than it did with my wife. I was usually tired, feeling upset or angry, or even feeling like I wasn’t being healthy enough myself. I took this out on her and it’s terribly unfair.

We can really only control ourselves in life, but in being better people this may rub off on our spouse. But to seek to change or to help change our spouses appearance is not going to work.

 

[masondoggy]

BTW You look GREAT in you signature pic! And HAPPY too!! And that is really the most important thing!

Thank you very much but that’s a very old picture. Taken before my pregnancy that I gained all my weight. It’s still my favorite picture of me and my dog, though.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I AM happy. I have a lot to be happy about! The weight struggles are frustrating, though. Especially when I try so hard to lose, have success, and then wind up on a drug that packs on the lbs…with no warning from my doctor that the medicine could do that. He switched my meds this week so I’m hoping the weight gain will stop and I can go back to losing.

 

[Serap]

Yeah, get the wife a personal trainer for a present!!

That is sure to go over just great. I’d rue the day I do something like that for my wife!!

there’s nothing wrong with a personal trainer. if the wife agrees to it, then getting a personal trainer is a great idea.

obesity is no different for health than smoking and alcholism.

this lady doesn’t have to be 120 pounds again, but should get her bmi to a healthy level. that’s reality here.

 

[Serap]

If my husband did that for me, I’d make sure to hire him a personal organizer the very next day.

and that’s ok. nothing wrong with wife helping husband become a healthier person too.

this is about the husband being sympathetic and kind to his wife…talk to her using love and kindness and try to help her become healthy and her old self again.

 

[Serap]

My husband has on more than one occasion mentioned leaving me if I was to get fat. He made many mean comments about my weight when pregnant. Those are things you don’t forget.

I lost the weight from my 4 pregnancies and look good but it took a long time to not nitpick at every part of my body. I am happy with my body now but not so happy with the husband.

I know that my husband does not love me or a few extra pounds would not matter.

I am so sorry you went through that!!!

My husband always told me I was beautiful when pregnant and a week after I had my 2nd, I was walking around the house in my underwear and he told me that I looked gorgeous.

My husband can be a jerk too sometimes, but I can’t believe that your husband would say that to you! Who does he think he is???

 

[Serap]

Well, I will say that more immature men can be real jerks when it comes to this issue.

I used to speak this way to an ex-girlfriend when I was in my early 20’s- it was pretty bad and nearly abusive in my opinion.

I even did a little of it when I was first married but not as direct as I was when I was younger. I would say things like “don’t you think you’ve had enough bread?” or “you need to eat more vegatables.”

But with time I saw that when I spoke this way it really had more to do with me than it did with my wife. I was usually tired, feeling upset or angry, or even feeling like I wasn’t being healthy enough myself. I took this out on her and it’s terribly unfair.

We can really only control ourselves in life, but in being better people this may rub off on our spouse. But to seek to change or to help change our spouses appearance is not going to work.

great point

This is why I think OP should use kindness and he should begin taking her out on dates as well.

I think OP could suggest a personal trainer and see if she’s willing to try and please him too.

 

[Serap]

Thank you very much but that’s a very old picture. Taken before my pregnancy that I gained all my weight. It’s still my favorite picture of me and my dog, though.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I AM happy. I have a lot to be happy about! The weight struggles are frustrating, though. Especially when I try so hard to lose, have success, and then wind up on a drug that packs on the lbs…with no warning from my doctor that the medicine could do that. He switched my meds this week so I’m hoping the weight gain will stop and I can go back to losing.

IMO if your husband were to not accept your weight (gained b/c of health reasons) then this would be extremely thoughtless and spitefull.

BUT…if someone has no health issues and they are simply over-eating and not exercising, then it’s their fault for being over-weight. They must have depression or boredom and this needs to be addressed. Perhaps the wife would be happier with a part-time job or a hobby? Perhaps the husband is not giving his wife enough “me” time. He should be giving her time to be by herself. Perhaps the husband is criticizing her all the time and it’s too depressing and she eats to sooth herself.

It takes two to solve a marital problem. If weight is an issue, then the husband must address his part in it and the wife must be willing to communicate and also try to please her husband.

My mother is obese due to depression and comfort eating. She refuses to lose weight. I’m proud of my step-dad for standing by her through it all. He even told her once…“it’s more for me to love”. There is not necessarily anything wrong with being over-weight, but it is a health issue. This is the elephant in the room…it’s causes stroke, heart disease, type 2 Diabetes, cancer, joint problems, and many more diseases.

 

[Cat]

IMO if your husband were to not accept your weight (gained b/c of health reasons) then this would be extremely thoughtless and spitefull.

BUT…if someone has no health issues and they are simply over-eating and not exercising, then it’s their fault for being over-weight. They must have depression or boredom and this needs to be addressed. Perhaps the wife would be happier with a part-time job or a hobby? Perhaps the husband is not giving his wife enough “me” time. He should be giving her time to be by herself. Perhaps the husband is criticizing her all the time and it’s too depressing and she eats to sooth herself.

It takes two to solve a marital problem. If weight is an issue, then the husband must address his part in it and the wife must be willing to communicate and also try to please her husband.

My mother is obese due to depression and comfort eating. She refuses to lose weight. I’m proud of my step-dad for standing by her through it all. He even told her once…“it’s more for me to love”. There is not necessarily anything wrong with being over-weight, but it is a health issue. This is the elephant in the room…it’s causes stroke, heart disease, type 2 Diabetes, cancer, joint problems, and many more diseases.

You have a lot of good suggestions that illustrate what I’ve been saying over and over on this thread–the issue of obesity is a complex one and will not be solved in a few weeks or months.

Although I love the show The Biggest Loser, I have a problem with the speed in which the weight is lost and the underlying problems are dealt with. The contestants are on the ranch for 1-12 weeks (depending on when they get voted off), and they work with the Biggest Loser weight loss program for approximately six months. Many of them do lose a lot of weight in time for the finale–but many gain it back.

I’m going to repeat, for the OP’s sake and for others who may have missed this–it took me 25 years to learn how to deal with my weight and fitness, and I’m still a long ways from “normal,” if there is such a thing as “normal” in the United States. **The OP should be prepared for a very long haul and a lot of ups and downs. His wife will probably not lose the weight and get in shape in a few months or years. **