Wife says she'll divorce me if I become Catholic

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(Continued from before)

It’s nice to know about perfect contrition, but come on, my soul is dead. It’s dead, and I have no sanctifying grace according to the Catholic Church. I’ve definately done mortal sins, including sleeping with a married woman when I was a single man, after baptism. I did it delibertly with full consent and I did it taking advantage of what I thought was God’s grace. “I’ll just go to prayer and confess to God and repent after,” I thought. “Or sometime when I decide to go back to church,” I added. That’s just one sin. One. Like many westerners, I fornicated, and what is worse is that my wife and I did it after she had become baptized. That makes me better off having a millstone tied to my neck and thrown into the sea because I led one of Jesus’ little ones to sin and stray. It was deliberate. Those are just two examples. Two. Masterbation and porn addiction is a third. Yeah, it’s nice to know perfect contrition exists, but I’m spiritually dead. I have this guilt that has never gone away even though I have this godly sorrow that I truly regret and want to offend God no more, but the idea that I am outside of the visible church that Jesus established and that my anglican confession is invalid and that we don’t celebrate the proper Eucharest and follow a distorted gospel which confused sanctification and justification together as one event instead of separate, and that I really have committed moral sins that has disqualified me from the inheritance of eternal life with Jesus is too damning on my conscious. It’s too much. The idea my whole life as a christian at this point is in vain is too much to bear. I cannot in good conscious continue as a protestant. Especially when it has errors. I use to think I could go straight to Jesus and just make a confession, but now doubt that when it comes to mortal sin. It pains me to think that my prayers MIGHT be in vain due to my soul dying due to mortal sin. But the fact that I was still able to respond to God’s kindness and gospel reminded me of God’s love that he hadn’t given up on me. Though I struggle to explain to others how one can be in a state of Mortal Sin yet God may answer their prayers AND they need the sacrament of confession(or penance?). Such people ask me why not just go to Jesus himself in prayer and confess.

If I were to die today, I am confident that I’d be in hell because of my grave mortal sins. I lament this every day. My soul grieves. And people respond to my concerns that I’m just being impulsive; They get stonewalled. I get told I’m not thinking right and I should speak to another protestant pastor. Another protestant pastor telling me I’m saved because I accepted Jesus as Lord And savior won’t reassure my conscious and my feelings.

I told my wife I feel I’d go to hell if I were to die and I want to become a catholic and be absolved of my sins and that protestantism is in error; She doesn’t want to hear it. She believes she is saved and can’t accept my willingness to become a catholic.

At first she was spooked that she may be in a state of mortal sin, and wanted to know about the catholic church’s teaching and be absolved of sin, but protestants reassured her about protestant teachings and she decided to listen to them over me now, and any discussion about what catholics teach often gets shut down and stonewalled. The idea of not having an assurance of salvation with what protestants teach is terrible and repugnant.

Protestantism is a complete circle jerk of false teachings where if you disagree with one, you get led to another protestant church. And I blame Luther and Calvin and all the reformers for all of this trouble. It’s all their fault for this division. It makes me so angry that I’ve finally found the church I was looking for all my life but blind to it and stubborn because of protestant views who kept reassuring me Catholics worship Mary, and that Luther was right to reform the catholic faith, and that salvation is a one time event and the belief of it is reassured because of protestant christian testimonies and God answering prayers and healing people. How could it not be truth otherwise.

I’m ranting. And I applogize. And as angry at the tragedy of the Protestant Reformation and the people behind it, I forgive Calvin and Luther. It’s just really unfortunate and it’s up to the Lord to judge them.

Protestantism is such a tragedy. It really is and I feel it is a trap where the blind lead the blind. Am I wrong to think this? Am I the only one?

I love my wife. In no way am I putting her down and saying she is a bad or terrible person. Nor am I going to play the blame game and accuse her of anything. She is wonderful, and respectful, and has put up with my bad side too. I’m just explaining our current situation so that people have more insight into what is going on. I just have no one to really talk to about this and I don’t want to confide any of these things

Sorry for the rant. I’ll be continuing to follow the thread and read all your answers.
 
It sounds more like your wife is fearful that your decision will lead to divorce rather than is threatening divorce herself? And she probably has people in her ear trying to put pressure on her to in turn put pressure on you.

Either way, and as difficult as it may be, your soul belongs to God and you must follow where He leads you. As others have addressed, a good priest can help advise you through this journey. It certainly need not lead to divorce.

But be careful of your ranting, as seen in the last couple of posts. It is your choice to convert, but to deride the faith of others - a faith you used to share - will not help the situation. If you turn this into an intellectual battle of Catholicism vs Protestantism, you will drive a wedge into your marriage - the very wedge your wife fears. If she has questions, answer them lovingly and patiently, but make sure your answers are about sharing your own faith and that they do not become an attack on her faith. If she is really worried and/or curious, then I would suggest that there are books you could buy; let people who are skilled in explaining and defending the faith do that, rather than you being the one put into that somewhat adversarial position. There are books specifically written to address common protestant crisicisms or misunderstandings, so that might be helpful to you.
 
Cyril_Of_Canada said:
(
Protestantism is a complete circle jerk of false teachings where if you disagree with one, you get led to another protestant church. And I blame Luther and Calvin and all the reformers for all of this trouble.
Protestantism is such a tragedy. It really is and I feel it is a trap where the blind lead the blind. Am I wrong to think this? Am I the only one?
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Dear Cyril,
You are clearly negative about protestantism, and I can see your points. But protestantism came out of Catholicism, and has a lot of good in it. Dr Hahn speaks about his gratitude for the good teachings he received in his previous church.
Maybe if you focus on the things you have in common with your wife’s faith, it would help. You both love Jesus, for starters. You both respect Mary – you could remind your wife that dissing Jesus’ mother is not likely to please him.
You both believe in valid baptism, in the ten commandments, the Golden Rule. and many other elements of Christianity.
Maybe reading Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis, would help.

I wish you could relax and trust God. You are afraid of dying and ending up in hell, but that is not God’s plan for you. He has a plan, it’s for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Maybe you could pray with your wife each night, focusing on what you can pray in common. Remember God loves Protestants, as well as Catholics, atheists, and everyone else. Just pray, and watch to see how God will work great things in your life.
God is on your side.

.
 
The language and social issue is a major one for many protestants. Considering your wife has friends only in that community and is comfortable, the apprehension is understandable from a personal perspective. Remember that many Protestant churches don’t consider differences substantial, so the social cohesion aspect may over ride any critical theological dilemma, for some. This, in addition to having to deal with your admitted ADD, might be too much for her at this time. Would you be open to speaking with a priest on your own, tell him your situation, and get some direction. You seem to have some issue with scrupulousity, this needs to be addressed with a priest.
 
I am sorry to hear this. This is certainty not an easy situation.

However, I’ll say this:

Faith in God should not require anyone else’s opinion but your own. Therefore, if you feel the the Roman Catholic Church helps you best exemplify that great gift of faith, then you should go for it.

I know you don’t want to loose your wife or family, and rightfully so. They should be understanding to your concerns and be willing to erase the misconceptions they have about the church.

In many ways, this is an act of persecution, not so much a physical death, but a spiritual death.

Romans chapter 8 says :“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?”

I understand your concern as I deal with this too. I’m 19 and my family is totally opposed to me considering being a priest.

Do what God wants you to do, and be strong in doing it.

God Bless
 
phil19034 said:
May The Lord bring you consolation.

If you have not read the following book by Dr. Scott Hahn, perhaps it will be helpful if you read (if you haven’t ready)

lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/rome-sweet-home?promoCode=104130

There is also a CD that can go along with the book: lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/why-a-protestant-pastor-became-catholic?promoCode=104130

God Bless!
Phil
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I just had a thought… another great CD resource is a talk from Johnnette Benkovic, the host of Women of Grace on EWTN.

She talks about her transition back to the Catholic Church after years as a lukewarm Catholic. Her trip back to the Church almost lead to divorce with her husband. Her husband was born Catholic, went to Catholic school and college, but then came out basically as atheist. He was very anti-Catholic church and religion.

Her story is great advice for marriages in situations like yours.

lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/for-love-and-marriage?promoCode=104130

God Speed and God Bless
 
Confession is not a Sacrament of Initiation. Since you are baptized, there is nothing stopping you from going on your own.
Regarding the sacrament of confession, a Protestant who believes in it could receive it in a grave situation since virtually none of the Protestant churches have the sacrament of confession, making it impossible for him to approach one of his own ministers for it.
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There is also another situation (in the United States, at least) in which a non-Catholic Christian can go to confession, and that is when he or she is in the process of converting to the Catholic faith. The National Statutes for Catechumenate (passed by the U.S. National Conference of Catholic Bishops November 11, 1986) states:
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Code: 
“36. The celebration of the sacrament of reconciliation with candidates for reception into full communion is to be carried out at a time prior to and distinct from the celebration of the rite of reception.”
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Stop beating yourself up. Mortal sin is not retroactive.
 
This really is difficult and we’re all praying for you. I wouldn’t judge you if you made either decision, but I will just add this:

Our Lord did say:

Luke 14:[26] If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Not that we should hate these people–quite the opposite, we should love them–but the meaning of that verse is we can’t let even then hinder us from following Christ.

I’ve known a couple people in this situation–and in each case the offended loved ones got over it once they saw the positive fruits of the conversion. If you truly embrace the faith, you’ll be a better husband and father and hopefully your wife will see it. Ask if she can give you the chance to do and be that.

Given the more logistical issues, maybe there is something you can work out with your priest regarding the Sunday obligation.
 
Thank you everyone for your responses and prayers.

Yes, I may suffer from a degree of scrupulosity. I’ll look into it further. Thank you for bringing this up. I’d like to add that even if I was able to have my sins absolved/forgiven, I still have a desire to be received into the Catholic church. I have a longing to be in communion and be in the visible church that Jesus established, not an offshoot church of a protestant offshoot church.

I have a question about what you quoted, Ahollars. You cited “Regarding the sacrament of confession, a Protestant who believes in it could receive it in a grave situation since virtually none of the Protestant churches have the sacrament of confession, making it impossible for him to approach one of his own ministers for it.” Where did you cite this. I’ve contacted several catholic parishes where I live and an Eastern Orthodox Church priest and I’ve been told I am not eligible to receive the sacrament of penance/reconcilation because I am not a catholic. I was told to just do it the way my own offshoot church does it, which as you all know, is just a prayer to Jesus. I’d like to receive the sacrament if possible,

Wife and I have been doing better since I’ve been on medication, but we didn’t bring up anything further about religion so far. Two of the pastors from my church are going to visit us next week. They want to talk in private.

I’ll post what they said to my by e-mail for those of you praying for me and for whom would love to give me counsel and advice on how to handle any discussions they bring up concerning my desire to convert to catholicism. Keep in mind that my wife will be present during their visit.

“We just thought it would be nice to get together and chat a little - we would appreciate the opportunity for some (name removed by moderator)ut and discussion with you on what Cyril has been thinking about lately. Its always not so easy to talk at church with many people around.”
 
Sounds like trouble frankly. I understand their desire to meet with you and talk it through (ie talk you out of it). But this could turn very adversarial very quickly.

I would avoid getting into overly detailed discussions. They will be well trained in proof texts and antiCatholic rhetoric, and even if you are skilled at arguing for the Catholic position, it could become quite stressful for your wife. Keep in mind that they are perhaps even filling her head with notions of needing to “save your soul” from the evils of Catholicism.

I would steer the discussion towards how best to address the difficulties of a mixed-faith marriage and ask them questions about how their church handles these situations. Don’t even give them much chance to talk you out of this, but ask them to help you and your wife manage this difficult period. Assure your wife and them of your commitment to your marriage and children. Remain friendly and courteous. Avoid the temptation to attack their faith, which is your wife’s faith. Make the discussion about the long-term heath of your marriage in the context of your (potential) conversion, not about the conversion itself.
 
underacloud said:
Sounds like trouble frankly. I understand their desire to meet with you and talk it through (ie talk you out of it). But this could turn very adversarial very quickly.

I would avoid getting into overly detailed discussions. They will be well trained in proof texts and antiCatholic rhetoric, and even if you are skilled at arguing for the Catholic position, it could become quite stressful for your wife. Keep in mind that they are perhaps even filling her head with notions of needing to “save your soul” from the evils of Catholicism.

I would steer the discussion towards how best to address the difficulties of a mixed-faith marriage and ask them questions about how their church handles these situations. Don’t even give them much chance to talk you out of this, but ask them to help you and your wife manage this difficult period. Assure your wife and them of your commitment to your marriage and children. Remain friendly and courteous. Avoid the temptation to attack their faith, which is your wife’s faith. Make the discussion about the long-term heath of your marriage in the context of your (potential) conversion, not about the conversion itself.
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Yes. This exactly.
 
Cyril_Of_Canada said:
“Why would he do that!?!”

“What!? Why would YOU do that?”

“So you believe me in adding to the work of the cross?”

“Catholics worship Mary.”

“Catholic’s communion of the saints is divination to dead people.”

Those are some of the reactions I have received when people found out I want to become a Catholic. Some people I told; Others found out through my wife. My wife urged me to not do it, saying everyone at the church will think I will be unloving toward her if I convert to Catholicism and, she feels that way too, and that our marriage would no longer work out and that she would want to divorce me. “Why don’t you listen to everyone?” She says. “Your father and mother doesn’t agree with your actions and said the marriage is important and what is important is for us to be happy. Our pastors disagree and so do the other people. If you do it, it’ll be unloving and we might get divorced.”

Yup. It seems now that if I go through with Catholic, my marriage may be over. And my parents might blame me and so may everyone else in my life. And we have a son too. I am currently tempted to quit my plan to convert, but I don’t want to. I’m definately in a state of mortal sin and firmly believe that if I were to die, I’d go to hell. Plus, I don’t agree with protestant teachings anymore and luther and calvin, but she likes luther and agrees with his teachings. I offered to keep attending the church as usual, with the addition of mass(since I am required or else it is a mortal sin) for the unity of my marriage and to keep doing everything as before, but it comes down to the conversion. The fact I’m converting is the deal breaker apparently.

They want me to reconsider and listen to what the pastors have to say and my parents, meanwhile she no longer wants to hear me talk or share catholicism with her and others.
My wife told me she cannot respect me in wanting to convert nor accept it and it’s just unthinkable. That I’m completely selfish and being impulsive, and if I were to do it, I should wait 18 years from now when our son grows up and moves out. How could I convert; After all, this is the church whose pastor married us, and helped us out, especially when it came to us having a baby. My wife feels deep gratitude toward them and also because they have been loving toward us as a community.

…I feel like I just want to give up on myself. It feels too almost too much to bare…but I want to convert to catholicism at the same time…
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Sorry to hear about your situation. You’ve received many great suggestions already, but I would like to say one thing.

If you are just entering RCIA, you have a long time to prove to your wife, parents and everyone else that you are not selfish, impulsive or anything else.

I would say becoming Catholic is the polar opposite of impulsivity or selfishness. They will see the truth in time.
 
RCIA classes for me wouldn’t begin until August 2016.

So, should I just stonewall my pastors and not give them a chance to present their case to me. After all, I did agree to my wife that I’d be willing to hear what they have to say. And even if they do present their case, if I remain silent and not be willing to rebuttel their points, wouldn’ that make me look bad if I remain silent by not saying anything in return to prove them wrong? What my subtext and fear here is that by listening to them and not arguing, disputing, confuting, rebuttelling, and proving their points wrong that my wife may assume I have little to say against their points, therefore convicting her that their points must be true. How do I hear them out without making it into a quarrel about protestantism vs catholicism that leads to them being perceived as right merely because I say little in return except merely by saying “I disagree”? By responding very little even for the sake of not being argument mentive, I fear I may come across being perceived as wrong merely because I say very little in return.

Should I pray that the Holy Spirit makes their thoughts ineffectual?
 
I remember when I told one of them I was planning to convert to Catholicism. The look in his eyes. I’ll never forget it. It’s the look many protestants have when they find out a protestant wants to convert to catholism. He asked me why I’d do such a thing, not merely as a question, but as an exclamation. He told me Catholics pray to Mary as if it were idolatry and when I explained that about Communion Of Saints, he agreed that we are all alive in Christ and that we can ask for others to intercede for us, but the idea of asking Mary to intercede for us was not okay. It was repugnant. He likened it to divination, even though he agreed we are all live in Christ when we pass on from this life. Divination. It turned into yes, no, yes, no type discussion with strong disproval about asking saints to intercede for us.

I fear this is the kind of discussion that will happen when they visit. The accusation that catholics pray to Mary is more about a fear of idolatry than it being unbiblical. Prosperity gospel isn’t a heresy according to some protestants, but Catholic Church has strayed from Christ. And so on. How do I even respond to that kind of accusation about the faith I want to follow. They actually think that they are following Jesus and I am straying from Jesus, right, so I think even if I cite that Jesus asked us to not let even a wife hinder us, they are convinced most likely that my choice to convert to catholicism is not following Jesus. After all, that is why they don’t seek to convert to Catholicism, is it not and why they are upset by my decision to leave protestantism and become a catholic.
 
No need to stonewall, but there’s also no need to play amature apologist. The fact that you cannot neccessarily defend your faith well does not invalidate it.

They will present various arguments. Some will be common misunderstandings that you can perhaps set right (eg no, Catholics do not worship mary; no, Catholics do not teach salvation by works, etc). Some will be more difficult issues (eg praying to saints, the immaculate conception, the Pope, Church authority, etc). What you want to say is that you are well aware of these issues, and have explored and thought through them.

Do NOT let them turn this into a scenario where you need to defend each and every point. You could instead say something along the lines of “thank you, I am aware of those issues and am reading widely from both the protestant and Catholic perspectives on them”. Make it clear that you have considered (are considering) all issues, but are not interested in defending the Catholic stance then and there.

If they continue to push you, perhaps you could pull out a few books and suggest they read them if they want to understand your perspective better.

Do NOT try to “prove them wrong”. That is exactly what I meant by it becoming adversarial. It could backfire badly for you (not many of us are naturally skilled apologists) and it could stress your wife out. If this turns into an adversarial argument between the Catholic faith and their faith, who’s side will your wife be on? Please do not put her into that position.
 
underacloud said:
No need to stonewall, but there’s also no need to play amature apologist. The fact that you cannot neccessarily defend your faith well does not invalidate it.

They will present various arguments. Some will be common misunderstandings that you can perhaps set right (eg no, Catholics do not worship mary; no, Catholics do not teach salvation by works, etc). Some will be more difficult issues (eg praying to saints, the immaculate conception, the Pope, Church authority, etc). What you want to say is that you are well aware of these issues, and have explored and thought through them.

Do NOT let them turn this into a scenario where you need to defend each and every point. You could instead say something along the lines of “thank you, I am aware of those issues and am reading widely from both the protestant and Catholic perspectives on them”. Make it clear that you have considered (are considering) all issues, but are not interested in defending the Catholic stance then and there.

If they continue to push you, perhaps you could pull out a few books and suggest they read them if they want to understand your perspective better.

Do NOT try to “prove them wrong”. That is exactly what I meant by it becoming adversarial. It could backfire badly for you (not many of us are naturally skilled apologists) and it could stress your wife out. If this turns into an adversarial argument between the Catholic faith and their faith, who’s side will your wife be on? Please do not put her into that position.
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You’re right. I’m an amateur apologist at best. It isn’t a role I should pursue in this interaction. I’ll take your advice for sure on this matter.
 
Pray to the Holy Spirit that He guide you in the words you use and be peaceful and not
defensive.
I will continue to pray for you.
 
Reminds me of the intervention set up to keep me from converting. But you’ve already got all the real advice you need. Or at least I’ve got nothing useful up my sleeve that hasn’t been said.

Oh. There’s one thing.

Make sure there are a lot of snacks around.

That way every time someone opens their mouth you can interrupt with, “Hey I don’t mean to interrupt. But have you tried these chocolate covered anchovies?”

Besides. No one can talk a lot with their mouths full. Not you. Not them. 😉

Good luck!

Peace.

-Trident
 
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