Wife says she'll divorce me if I become Catholic

[hereagain]

I think it would be wise for me to not hide the catholic material from my wife. I’ll leave it at our office/study and keep it there. But for now, I’ll just bring my English Standard Version to our non-denomational church.

yes I don’t think we want to be overly secretive. There’s probably a fine line between flaunting and being true to what we believe in. I do have plenty of Catholic stuff out in the open and maybe my natural reaction of hiding it is more than necessary.

Ultimately, I figure if/when God wants me to be more official and public with my reversion, he will open the doors at that time.

Thanks and hope all will work out for the glory of God for both of us!
HA

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

My wife is having a hard time letting go of some past things.
I need your prayers that she can forgive and forget, and receive healing.
I decided pray and fast every day. Just going to eat plain rice from now on, and drink plain water. I plan to abstain from food on two days of the week. I’m pretty down right now.

I’m pretty down right now and have lost control of my situation…
She wants to seek secular counseling regarding our marriage.
I’m pretty down right now. I don’t know what to do except fast and pray. With God, all things
are possible, right?

 

[underacloud]

Please meet with a priest to discuss your planned fasting and abstinence. Your plan seems quite severe and such penances should be considered under some direction. There is enough stress here without adding more on top.

Perhaps secular marriage counselling would be helpful. Right now it may be problematic to receive faith-based marriage counselling, but some counselling - from a counsellor who is neutral with regard to your faith issues - may be very helpful. Try to view her request for counselling as a positive sign that she wants your marriage to work and is prepared to work at it.

 

[hereagain]

sorry to hear that Cyril and I’ve prayed for her (and you). I think the other poster is wise in speaking to a priest is probably a real good idea. Hang in there!

HA

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Thank you for all your prayers. I continue to need them. The last two weeks(and the first three days of this week) were really rough. I sense that all your prayers are helping.

The two pastors are visiting us tomorrow. I’ll be following the advice in here for handling the situation. I hope for all the best.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

This really is difficult and we’re all praying for you. I wouldn’t judge you if you made either decision, but I will just add this:

Our Lord did say:

Luke 14:[26] If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Not that we should hate these people–quite the opposite, we should love them–but the meaning of that verse is we can’t let even then hinder us from following Christ.

I’ve known a couple people in this situation–and in each case the offended loved ones got over it once they saw the positive fruits of the conversion. If you truly embrace the faith, you’ll be a better husband and father and hopefully your wife will see it. Ask if she can give you the chance to do and be that.

Given the more logistical issues, maybe there is something you can work out with your priest regarding the Sunday obligation.

I opened my Ignatius Catholic Study Bible and read the commentary about Luke 14:26:

"14:26 Hate: An idiomatic term meaning "to love less (Gen 29:31-33; Mal 1:2-3). Not even the sacredness of family loyalty should outweigh our commitment to Christ, since we must be willing to abandon even close relationships to follow him. (Mt. 10:37)( CCC 1618, 2544).

"14:28 Count the cost: Discipleship is a serious commitment. It is not about testing the waters or holding ourselves back from God (9:62). A complete surrender to Christ is necessary to complete the tasks of Christian living. See note on Mt. 10:38)

Matt 10:38 talks about taking up the cross. “He who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.” The commentary about it says "A striking image of the demands and consequences of discipleship. Jews needed no explanation of it, since the Romans utilized crucifixion as a torturous method of execution for many criminals during the NT times. Jesus here assures us that faithfulness will entail self-denial, suffering, and possibly death. Before his Passion, the cross symbolized shame and rejection. Afterwards it symbolizes the glory of Christian martyrdom ( CCC 1506). See note on Mk 15:24.

This is exactly what I had on my mind when contemplating my decision. Logically, I would not have wanted to be rash, impulsive and have made that choice without thinking it long and hard and through. Do you think I should mention these points in this post when the two pastors visit me tomorrow?

 

[Greenfields]

Remembering you in mass today,praying for your intentions and peace.All will be well,all manner of things will be well.

 

[Della]

Thank you for all your prayers. I continue to need them. The last two weeks(and the first three days of this week) were really rough. I sense that all your prayers are helping.

The two pastors are visiting us tomorrow. I’ll be following the advice in here for handling the situation. I hope for all the best.

I will offer this meeting in my Mass intentions this evening. Remember that you don’t have to answer anything if you don’t want to. IOW, don’t let anyone “put you on trial” and don’t let anyone upset your wife. If a “trial” is what they come to impose on you, you are free to show them the door. It’s sad when friends think they have the right to “rescue” you from your own convictions. You don’t want to do it to them and they certainly don’t have the right to do it to you. I’m just trying to prepare you for a less than friendly meeting. To be forewarned is to be forearmed–not in the sense that you will be waiting to pounce on them, but it’s possible they will do the pouncing. You don’t have to endure anything like that in your own home. Just be aware, is all I’m saying. Pray, be kind and loving, but don’t let them push you around, either. If you have to show them the door do so in a kind and gentle manner, but do it if necessary.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

My wife reminded me this morning to think about why they are coming.
I feel gripped with fear and anxiety, taking shallow breaths as I try to keep calm.

Pray for me, please.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Should I let the pastors know I suffer from scrupulocity and am now examining both sides (catholic and protestant) but that my desire to convert to catholicism is based on examining facts and not feelings? That it wasn’t impulsive, but well considered and informed in light of what Jesus said about taking up our cross and putting him first over everything else?

 

[Della]

Should I let the pastors know I suffer from scrupulocity and am now examining both sides (catholic and protestant) but that my desire to convert to catholicism is based on examining facts and not feelings? That it wasn’t impulsive, but well considered and informed in light of what Jesus said about taking up our cross and putting him first over everything else?

Number one, don’t be afraid. Jesus is with you. :console:

You don’t have to explain anything of the kind to them–that’s the very kind of thing they may use to try to tell you and your wife that you are being scrupulous and impulsive when you are being neither.

All you need to say is that after looking at both sides, you believe the Catholic Church is where God is leading you so you can have a closer relationship with the Lord. Don’t let them throw question after question at you. Again, you’re not on trial.

Tell them you thank them for their friendship and ministry, but that you need to make this step. That’s all you need to say. Don’t get on the defensive about it. You don’t need to defend your decisions to these men.

Let them know you love them in Christ, but you aren’t staying where you are but are moving on to where God wants you. I will offer Mass this evening for you (my dh and I attend the Vigil Mass Saturdays) and Sunday Morning Prayer, as well. All will be well.

 

[EasterJoy]

…this has been ongoing for a while and not sudden.

While this is the hardest for you, try to keep in mind that each new person in the situation is actually is new to it.

You have been in this stream for a long time, but to each of them the change is sudden. You have had to defend your choice until you are blue in the face, but for them it is the first time they’ve raised a concern with you. It is a little like being with someone who only learned today about some tragedy you have had some time to grieve or some accomplishment you have had time to assimilate. It is as if you had lost track of each other for many years, you went off to medical school, did a residency, and were a practicing physician, and that is all old hat to you. When you reconnect with your high school friend, he might have some trouble wrapping his head around calling you “doctor” when the last time you talked he didn’t think you even wanted a career that would require you to go to college at all!

Take the visit as an expression of caring. They have no power to force you to do anything, so you do not need to be anxious. Simply resolve to listen and to answer their questions as well as you can, but be not afraid. They aren’t there to hurt you, but to offer care. It is as if you were talking to friends who were doctors, but not *your *doctors.

I would not offer them information that will raise their anxiety level unless they are who you have chosen as physicians of your soul. It is going to produce anxiety in them to tell them about issues you have while denying them any authority to offer a treatment.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Pastors came and went. I’ll post about it when I get a chance.
They kept asking me for my reason concerning why I’d like to convert. Eventually I told them “In my heart of hearts, I believe the Catholic Church is the church that Jesus established.” I kept that as the reason why I wanted to convert without getting into any further detail.

 

[underacloud]

Pastors came and went. I’ll post about it when I get a chance.
They kept asking me for my reason concerning why I’d like to convert. Eventually I told them “In my heart of hearts, I believe the Catholic Church is the church that Jesus established.” I kept that as the reason why I wanted to convert without getting into any further detail.

Sounds good.

Hopefully they’ll respect this and respect you as still being a Christain brother. Or maybe they’ll come back to you with evidence of how the Catholic Church is actually the beast of the book of Revelations, etc. Good luck with how this develops.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Sounds good.

Hopefully they’ll respect this and respect you as still being a Christain brother. Or maybe they’ll come back to you with evidence of how the Catholic Church is actually the beast of the book of Revelations, etc. Good luck with how this develops.

They said I don’t have their blessing for converting to the Catholic Church.
I’m glad I kept bible verse slinging out of the discussion; They wanted me to cite bible verses as they probed why I wanted to convert. I kept it to “I believe the Catholic Church is the church that Jesus established.” They agreed, but mentioned some things they believed that the Catholic Church was in error about (Pope infallibility, sin absolving by priests, their belief catholics worship Mary and Saints, sale of indulgances and how the Pope decreed the sale of them and that the pope supported it; That people can buy their way into heaven).
I did not make a defence about the Catholic Faith; I did say that catholic’s don’t support/do such-and-such.

I don’t have much more time to post now. They are willing to read catholic material I provide them about catholic beliefs, which is fantastic. They did say they haven’t spoken to a catholic appologist before but have spoken to catholics about these topics and asserted confidentally what they believed to be true. They said prayer to saints amounts to worship. And things started to get heated up really fast, which is why I’m glad I didn’t make any defences about catholicism except to say this is not what they teach and that is not what they teach and offered them to read the same material I’m reading, which they said they are willing to.

Yeah, there is a lot more about what happened than that for sure, but this is pretty good I must say. They felt disappointed or frustrated I’d say that we kept going in circles in our discussion. And I got to see how passionate they were a bit about their misunderstandings about the catholic church.

It amazes me that converting is bad in their eyes, but I apparently have their okay to be a catholic at heart and still attend mass and be a member of their church with voting rights and to be able to be voted on to committees. Converting = big no no, but delaying it while being a closet catholic at heart and a member at their church is okay. I don’t see the point in not converting. I asked them well what would they do if I were to pray to saints and mary for intercession at home or at their church but still be a member, as in how would that even make sense.

I did make the point that I believed the Catholic Church is the church which Jesus established and that I believe God is leading me there as I follow Jesus, but they disagreed. They told me that to do that they think is not what Jesus wants.

I need some tracts on these things and topics they brought up. Got to go. Please keep praying for me.

 

[underacloud]

They said I don’t have their blessing for converting to the Catholic Church.

So what

There is no reason to seek or expect their blessing. Nor any reason to continue to debate until one of you changes your mind, since this will almost certainly not happen. You have shown them - and more importantly your wife - that your reasons for converting are well considered and educated. That is great!

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

So what

There is no reason to seek or expect their blessing. Nor any reason to continue to debate until one of you changes your mind, since this will almost certainly not happen. You have shown them - and more importantly your wife - that your reasons for converting are well considered and educated. That is great!

That isn’t enough; Remember, My wife remains unhappy with my desire to convert to Catholicism and believes it to be a stubborn, selfish choice that is unloving towards her and my family. We are handling other marital problems too, and my desire to convert to catholicism amplifies it all apparently. I’m under threat of either separation or divorce if I decide to convert, apparently. She has this idea in her head a catholic-protestant mixed-faith family is impossible to make it out. And the pastors said it would be difficult too. They spoke out against my desire, saying they believe it isn’t what Jesus wants, because lots of people they said claim to be moved by God to do something but it isn’t what God would want.
This is the situation I’m in. Being accused of bringing disunity into the family over a stubborn, selfish insistance is a real downer.

 

[Della]

That isn’t enough; Remember, My wife remains unhappy with my desire to convert to Catholicism and believes it to be a stubborn, selfish choice that is unloving towards her and my family. We are handling other marital problems too, and my desire to convert to catholicism amplifies it all apparently. I’m under threat of either separation or divorce if I decide to convert, apparently. She has this idea in her head a catholic-protestant mixed-faith family is impossible to make it out. And the pastors said it would be difficult too. They spoke out against my desire, saying they believe it isn’t what Jesus wants, because lots of people they said claim to be moved by God to do something but it isn’t what God would want.
This is the situation I’m in. Being accused of bringing disunity into the family over a stubborn, selfish insistance is a real downer.

The reason she is making these threats is she is frightened. Having had problems in your marriage doesn’t help, of course. You need to allay her fears and make it clear that your conversion has nothing to do with your love and respect for her. You need to contact the priest from your local parish on all this. So far you’ve been winging in on your own. That’s a very Protestant thing to do. Catholics are under the authority of their pastors, and although you are not yet Catholic and so not subject to their authority, it would be best to bring him in on all this. You should see him first and then, at his discretion, talk to you with your wife, when and where she might agree to do so, but don’t push it on her. Let her know that the priest will not try to convert her or convince her of anything. He’ll simply explain a few things so she won’t think you are crazy or that you have abandoned Christ. I strongly recommend you see the priest, ASAP.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Okay.
I pray she’ll be willing to allow him over and listen to him.

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

I was threatened with divorce again if I persisted with becoming catholic, and perhaps even
pursing it privately.

I found out if I hadn’t moved away from the city where we lived, she’d have been fine with it. And she is willing to talk to a priest who comes to our home(whoever) and ask questions, though she did say “Isn’t it enough that two people came over already[the pastors]?”

Essentially, she admitted even if I don’t convert now but convert later when as she had requested, she’d still divorce me over it. Just the fact I didn’t listen to her about our wedding(she wanted a small one; I had a bigger one); about where we lived(I did it for financial reasons and to be near work; She wanted to stay in the communiry where her esl classes were, where she was close to transit and friends she made here and her comminity) and how I admitted I regret those decisions, she is asking me “How do you know you won’t regret this decision and revert back to Protestant. I am sick of you doing this. You heard them. Listen to the pastors and me.”

A lot is going on. Please keep praying and pray that a priest can help clear up any of her misconceptions. She thinks catholics think divorce is a sin, and mixed marriages are a sin, and there are so many strict rules and so on, and that mixed-faith marriage is impossible to work out and so on and is keen on listening to only what protestant ministers say about the catholic church. She also keepings bringing up my past and all my bad decisions in life and calling into question my decision to convert to catholicism and asking me why I kept my researching about it a secret from her for some time even when we were in the previous city.
I hope a priest can bring help a lot when talking with her.

I went to mass today. I snuck it in just before our protestant service, which amplified tensions between us.

I’m going to work on moving back to the area where we lived and getting that priest over to talk to her and guide us. She doesn’t even want me to attend mass, period. I want to do it out of love for Jesus and to be with the church Jesus established.

She asked me, “Why isn’t protestant good enough for you?” I didn’t answer the question though except to say I want to be with the church that Jesus established.

It seems that I might have to suffer in this life if I keep persisting and standing firm. Wife keeps calling me stubborn for my insistance of pursuing the catholic faith.