Wife Stopped Practicing the Catholic Faith

  • Thread starter Thread starter armyairforcenavy
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Thanks! Just to give you a perspective after our first date we both went to adoration and attended daily mass many times together. Our Catholic faith was a deep part of our dating relationship so yes we had a very Catholic marriage. She was very solidly Catholic when we dated and the first 13 years of our marriage. I could go on and on about the devotions she loved to do and books she read, and prayers we said together. She helped me grow in my own faith.
Fast forward to now, it is really hard for us to have a discussion about her not wanting to practice her faith anymore. Some of you suggested understanding the “why” behind her reasoning. Her only response is that she tried all of this Christian stuff for 30+ years and it doesn’t work. She says prayer doesn’t work and going to Mass with the family just adds more stress to her life. If I try to understand more deeply in as sensitive way as I can, she gets really defensive and says that she’s changed since our marriage does not believe God hears her prayers and she has no connection to him at all. She said she’s just tired of trying and God never listens to her anyway.

I actually encourage/promote her to attend exercise classes as much as she can and I’m very proud of the progress she has made in getting in shape and getting fit. I tell her this all the time. She can attend fitness classes any night (I’ll take care of the kids) she wants to, which is why It’s hard for me to hear her on a Sunday morning right before our family is getting ready to leave for Mass, she wants stay in bed then go to a Yoga instead.

I know what not to do but I don’t often know what to do. I know a lot of Catholic married guys but not a single one in my dilemma. It’s normally the husband who leaves the faith and the wife leading the charge. I’ll check out the book When Only One Converts. I do take some consolation in the fact that I spend a lot of time with my children, coach their sports, and they are often very excited to go to Mass or a praise and worship meeting. I have read that if a father practices his Christian faith the children are 3x more likely to practice their faith, versus if it’s only the mother.
 
Fitness classes are good things to do, they probably make her feel better, and you have set it up so she can have a break from the family and engage in a non-stressful activity for her and then be praised by you for doing it. I can see why she wants to go to the fitness classes. They are a win-win.

On the other hand, if she goes to church with you, it’s stressful, she may be feeling like God isn’t listening to her, she has to help you take care of the kids. Church has become a pain in the neck for her. Just more of the “family stress” stuff that it sounds like she is trying to escape.

(By the way, just so you are not surprised if someone posts this, some people on here think yoga is opening yourself up to demonic influences, so somebody skipping church for yoga in their eyes would be like you just went to visit the devil and he influenced you not to go to church. I personally don’t feel this way and see yoga as just a calming exercise, but someone is going to jump on the yoga point so I thought I’d mention it.)

Have you suggested that you can take care of the kids while she goes to church alone, or even to a meeting with her priest to discuss her spiritual state?
 
And you will notice that in my post above I said “he can’t force her,” just as a wife cannot force her husband to stop viewing porn. I certainly don’t think the husband should chloroform his wife and dump her in a car to go to Mass.

I like Tis_Bearself’s suggestions, but it sounds like the wife isn’t interested because God isn’t “doing it” for her. Armyairforcenavy, have you tried asking her to attend Mass for the sake of her family and for you? An hour’s church service isn’t too much to ask of one’s spouse.
 
There are so many times when the Protestant heresy of “prosperity gospel” seeps into Catholic circles.

When we do not see the results promised, it is easy to then slip into despair and to lose faith. It is such a dangerous poison. I’ve seen it drive people away from all faith. They all talk about how they pray and it does not work for them. 😦

Let your wife see you make sacrifices without complaint. Maybe pick up and read some books like Fr Benedict Groeschel “Tears of God” or Pope John Paul II’s works on suffering. Just leave them around the house where she might find them. Also, “The Reed of God” or some of Dorothy Day’s books.

You might also want to begin fasting for her http://www.e5men.org/
 
I had a similar issue with my husband.

It is different because he never stopped attending mass with us but he is so dissolutioned with the hierarchy and the scandals he was visibly fading from the Church.

I just prayed more. I started novenas and extra rosaries. I was vocal about everything too.

I listened to him and let him vent without being critical. I wasn’t always successful and it would devolve into an unproductive argument but I tried harder to not be argumentative the next time.

It seems to have resolved itself somewhat. He has stepped up and devotes more time to the parish and to the Church…but I’ve accepted that it won’t be the same…at least for the foreseeable future.

I’ll pray for your family. It maybe a phase for her.
 
Thanks! The biggest thing right now is overcoming resentment and the feeling of being in it alone! Their situations are a little different but nonetheless it’s the same cross. I’m just searching everyone I can for inspiration and joy in taking on this cross that I never expected to find.
 
Thanks! I think you really hit on somewhere here. One of wife’s biggest issues are that she is not getting the results she wanted from God so now she’s not going to waster her time anymore. When we were dating and even the first 10 years of our marriage she attended healing masses, did novenas, devotions, etc., She talks about all of these things she once tried but they really didn’t make any difference either day, “God is going to do what he’s going to do regardless of what I do.” She almost looks at prayer and the Catholic faith as if it’s a bunch of red tape you have to deal with just for a glimpse of getting an issue resolved.
 
Yes this has been the approach lately. I encourage and support her attending all of her fitness classes M-F, have women’s night out with her friends, and I will watch the kids, get them to their sports, Scouts, etc., so she can have any or even all of those nights off. I mentioned that many non-Catholics and even skeptics attend Mass with the family just to support the other spouse in raising the children. I asked if we can clear the family schedule so you can do anything you want during the week but just give us that one hour on Sunday so we can go as a family.
She said she would do this but then bailed for the last four weeks. She always changes her mind the morning of Mass sayign she needs to sleep in and go to her yoga classes. About a year ago I was making all kinds of accommodations and giving morning and location options because she hates the early Sunday morning grind. Saturday night, Sunday at noon, even Sunday at 1700 or 1900. We tried to set it up where I took the kids to Mass by myself and got them dressed (to eliminate that stress on her), then she could go by herself at the Sunday 5pm Mass by herself and have some peace and quit. Then she never went anyway after making all of those arrangements. A few months ago we were all supposed to attend a catholic family camp that we paid and registered for. A whole weekend of fun. The day we were supposed to leave she pulled out again and opted to be home alone. Despite having 3 days of alone time and a church only a few blocks away, she didn’t go to Mass. This was one of the defining moments where I realized that it’s not just the stress of getting kids ready but it’s something much bigger. Thanks!
 
Thanks for sharing! Yes I hope it’s only a phase indeed 🙂
And of course the scandals are not helping things at all. She spends a great deal of time on social media ranting about the scandals in the church. She has went as far as suggesting maybe every priest could be a pedifile.
 
Did you believe that your wife is in the process to reject faith, and being an atheist?

Try to communicate with her. It may be very painfull, but perhaps you will understand.

Unfortunately, not all believers believes all their life. It is a great suffring and an incredible challenge in a marriage conclude between of two people who wants to share the same faith, but it happens.

See that with my parents.
 
Am I only sending the feeling that there’s something that’s kind of, well, cold, for lack of a better term, in the OP’s entire attitude? That he ‘always wanted’ a certain kind of wife, family, etc.

Frankly, I can see more in what you don’t say, than in what you say. Have you relied on your wife to be the spiritual leader for your kids? That, in itself, is out of order. Yes, there are exceptions but that’s just what they are…exceptions! A man should be the spiritual leader of his family; his wife and children should be able to look up to him!

Also, although he has acknowledged his wife’s depression, it seems almost like an afterthought…like ‘no one’s been getting the kids ready for mass’ or something like that. Didn’t you notice something wrong before she stopped wanting to go to mass? If it’s as big a deal as that, and she’s been a faithful churchgoer up to now, something has been being missed-for quite a while.

I could go on, but I’ll leave it there for now. Please, try and comfort your wife! It may not get her back in church right away, but, most likely, it’s getting to the point when she began rejecting church. I pray that it never gets tp the point where she rejects God!
 
Last edited:
It also sounds to me that the depression is clouding her reasoning and your wife is feeling naturally angry and disillusioned with God/religion.
I would comfort your wife and be compassionate.
Attending Church and worshipping God is one aspect of Catholicism but the other aspect is trying to be Christlike in relationships and life so while it’s natural to feel disheartened I would try to be positive and pray to God how you can live out your Catholic faith towards your wife.
In a way it can be similar to when one spouse gets Dementia (i hope that makes sense).
 
Last edited:
One downside of these forums is that I’m much better communicating in person, which is why I’m also trying to seek spiritual help.I think your response is making some very gross and inaccurate assumptions about me especially suggesting I’ve looked to my wife to be the spiritual leader. (The reason I mentioned having certain standards of marrying someone who is already a practicing Catholic is because other forums have examples of mixed marriages and others shared examples of hoping to convert the other person)

One of the reasons this has been frustrating/challenging and I’'m seeking help is because I am striving to be that spiritual leader. For example how would you feel if you were a husband, you get the kids calmed down before dinner, try to lead family grace and your wife interrupts your meal prayer? Or we’re going on a family trip and I try to lead a little travel prayer, my wife interrupts it in front off the kids and says "let’s come back to earth and deal with reality " Am I supposed to just stuff those feelings?
I just think some of your initial response was judgmental but the last two sentences were very helpful. I’ve never sought help through a forum and it feels like sifting the weed and the wheat. But thanks all responses are welcomed and if I’m truly blinded somewhere in my thinking I hope God reveals it as well.
 
It sounds like your wife has developed an aversion to the faith. If she reacts the way you say when you try to initiate family prayer, that is probably her way of letting you know either she doesn’t approve and/or she feels like you aren’t being respectful of where she is. She may have also changed her view on how she wants the children raised, moving forward, with respect to religion.

People change all the time. We know when we get married that we aren’t going to stay the same the rest of our adult lives. The hope is that, where religion is concerned, both spouses stay on the same page and grow together. However, I think we need to be prepared for this not being the case.

I would suggest trying to accept and understand where you wife is in her spiritual journey right now. Honest discussion about that will lead to honest discussion about how to handle the issue of family spirituality, so that nobody feels a lack of respect or pressured into acting a way that is not authentic to who they are.

I can hear in your posts how disappointed you are over all of this. My advice is secular, but I still think it is solid advice for someone in your situation. You can’t let someone else’s spirituality stomp on yours. You have every right to practice your religion and faith, just as your wife does. Finding a comfortable co-existence in this regard can be tough.
 
armyairforcenavy said:
suggesting I’ve looked to my wife to be the spiritual leader.
Click to expand...
I am not certain what words led you to think this, but, I did not infer this in any way.

Having spent much of my teens/20’s deeply entrenched in the “prosperity gospel”. It is poison. If she has been influenced by it, the best antidote I know of is to see the spiritual value of suffering. Sorry if that was the offending thought, that did not mean that she was the spiritual leader.
 
Depending on the factors in her depression, it might be she’s trying to unravel all the threads of her life into something she can make sense of.

Never stop praying, but don’t nag.
She already knows about mortal sin and Hell and anything you say will prolly make it worse.

I’ve also seen people, while recovering from depression and in therapy, get worse before they get better, because therapy might stir up a lot of painful feeling the person used to ignore, and they kind of go off the rails a bit before healing is complete.

So what she needs is for you to remain a stable and loving presence.
You don’t have to pretend Mass isn’t important, and if she asks you, you must speak the truth.

I’ll pray for your family, too.
:pray:t2:
 
Looks like you hit the nail on the head!

The truth is, people change! There have been so many original posters who have started out with ‘the perfect, Catholic, church-going family’ until something went wrong; a rebellious Teen, a child coming out as gay. an unwed pregnancy,you name it!

There is no perfect family! There are no perfect individuals! Once you stop having unrealistic expectations, things will bet ‘better’ for you! Then, you can start working towards helping those who hurt! And never, ever think you can ‘go back’ to the way things used to be. Because you can’t.

The OP should begin by dealing with his wife’s depression…which he should have probably noticed earlier
, but that’s beside the point.

Try seeking out counsel, or let her do so.

How are the kids handling this? Make sure they don’t get caught in the crossfire. That is, don’t be impatient with them, because of their mother’s problems, or blame them for what they haven’t done. Just be a reliable, kind and compassionate spiritual leader. They need that more than ever!
 
Last edited:
Oops sorry LittleLady I was responding to someone else who made that comment… Oh boy these forums can be tricky but I’m getting some good stuff nonetheless…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top