Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[Hoosier_Daddy]

On a side note. Could we as a public vote with our attendance and make Saturday, Sunday?

 

[Lou2U]

Here’s a fair question for your wife–maybe God doesn’t mind, but does she think that the other six members of her family like waiting for her in the car and not having a place to sit?

But on the other hand, I think you need to wean yourself of the idea that super-awesome-conservative-parish is the only real Catholic church and that going to your geographical parish is somehow cheating.

It might even be worthwhile for your family to suck it up and move into a 3BR house. Long-term, your gas savings would be huge.

I agree. It might also be worth asking your wife if she feels burnt out, and if there is anything you can help her with. I know you do a lot of work around the house, so maybe divide up the tasks into what your wife feels able to cope with, and what you can do that burns her out, so she feels like you are listening to her.

Lou

 

[CradleJourney]

OP Here.

Thanks for all of the replies.

After thinking about this for quite some time, the bottom line is that she doesn’t think being habitually late is a big deal and kind of enjoys the smaller commitment on the weekend…she’s gone and back in less than an hour.

I was raised to think differently, but am not in the position to change her mind on it. It’s pretty cut and dry to me (mass is a top priority of the week). All of the time management strategies, etc do not matter–if it’s not her goal. I guess that’s between her and God and not my position to question that…have tried and tried until the current level of resentment.

We have talked rationally about it, and in her mind, God doesn’t care if you show up late as long as you are a good person–maybe SHE is right?

Yep–there is certainly resentment on her part and that is part of it… The other part is that she doesn’t think its an issue. I’ll work on what I can on the resentment part. Nothing I can do about the other I’m thinking.

I think you’re on the right track here. FWIW, her position now is not necessarily the position she will have later. By taking the pressure off and making it a non-issue, you may make it easier for the Spirit to do it’s work guiding her to a better understanding.

Again, I speak from my own experience as someone who’s had many twists, turns, utter departures and complete u-turns on my faith journey - one that I’ve come to realize will indeed take me a lifetime to finish. I’m a much better follower of Catholic doctrine now then I use to be - and you may find your wife comes around after a period of time as well.

God bless.

 

[barhoram]

Thanks. I agree in a few years kids will be older/gone, stress will be much less each week and it probably won’t be as big of a deal making it on time.

 

[jtauke]

How about you just go to Mass on Saturday with your wife? You’re over-complicating the issue for no apparent reason…

 

[heart4home]

How about you just go to Mass on Saturday with your wife? You’re over-complicating the issue for no apparent reason…

Because she’s still always making them late.

Personally, that wouldn’t work for me, to walk in late every single week. So who’s complicating it? Him or her?

 

[jtauke]

Because she’s still always making them late.

Personally, that wouldn’t work for me, to walk in late every single week. So who’s complicating it? Him or her?

So help her not be late? Make sure the kids are ready to go in advance and make sure she’s up and getting ready early enough to make it on time.

 

[pensmama87]

So help her not be late? Make sure the kids are ready to go in advance and make sure she’s up and getting ready early enough to make it on time.

I do think long-term that something needs to be done to address the time management problem.

My husband was open to this at one point, so I had him estimate how long it took him to do various tasks, and then I timed him doing them. He significantly underestimated (for almost everything he thought it took him less than half the time it actually took him to do). There were a couple reasons for that - partially a not realistic view of time but also getting distracted. He gives himself more time now, but the distraction part is still a problem. Some of it is just his personality - which encompasses some positives as well as some negatives. Of the two of us, he is much more relaxed and easygoing. I may be punctual, but I also have a tendency to be neurotic. One poster on CAF is fond of noting that some virtues and vices can come in pairs.

The OP mentioned that his wife could have ADHD and that one of their children has been diagnosed with it. It is possible to receive treatment in adulthood. I wouldn’t present it as “here’s a way to fix you,” but if counseling is indicated anyway (I think it might be) it might be something to bring up with a counselor.

 

[Xantippe]

I do think long-term that something needs to be done to address the time management problem.

My husband was open to this at one point, so I had him estimate how long it took him to do various tasks, and then I timed him doing them. He significantly underestimated (for almost everything he thought it took him less than half the time it actually took him to do). There were a couple reasons for that - partially a not realistic view of time but also getting distracted. He gives himself more time now, but the distraction part is still a problem. Some of it is just his personality - which encompasses some positives as well as some negatives. Of the two of us, he is much more relaxed and easygoing. I may be punctual, but I also have a tendency to be neurotic. One poster on CAF is fond of noting that some virtues and vices can come in pairs.

Right.

We have some of that at our house, too. My husband tends to estimate time to departure based on how much time he personally would need if he were all by himself, and he times it for right on the nose on time, not a minute to spare. However, that’s not adequate when 5 of us are going somewhere–for one thing, there tends to be a bottleneck at the garage door. We need at least 5 minutes just to load the car, especially as there tends to be drama from Baby Girl getting in to the car seat. He’s starting to grasp that, which is nice.

 

[heidi_storage]

Hmm, time management in general may be an issue, but it also sounds like she really doesn’t want to go to church and wants to spend the absolute minimum time she can fulfilling her weekly obligation. This makes sense if she (erroneously) believes that all she really needs to be close to God is to be a “good person” during the week.

 

[Xantippe]

Hmm, time management in general may be an issue, but it also sounds like she really doesn’t want to go to church and wants to spend the absolute minimum time she can fulfilling her weekly obligation. This makes sense if she (erroneously) believes that all she really needs to be close to God is to be a “good person” during the week.

Some people just don’t understand time. Also, some of them believe that whenever they show up is when the event starts.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

OP Here.

Thanks for all of the replies.

After thinking about this for quite some time, the bottom line is that she doesn’t think being habitually late is a big deal and kind of enjoys the smaller commitment on the weekend…she’s gone and back in less than an hour.

I was raised to think differently, but am not in the position to change her mind on it. It’s pretty cut and dry to me (mass is a top priority of the week). All of the time management strategies, etc do not matter–if it’s not her goal. I guess that’s between her and God and not my position to question that…have tried and tried until the current level of resentment.

We have talked rationally about it, and in her mind, God doesn’t care if you show up late as long as you are a good person–maybe SHE is right?

Yep–there is certainly resentment on her part and that is part of it… The other part is that she doesn’t think its an issue. I’ll work on what I can on the resentment part. Nothing I can do about the other I’m thinking.

If she does not believe it bothers God if we are late, perhaps you could frame it that regardless, it bothers you, and steals from moment of what should be a special time for you and the family. I often don’t get why something bothers my wife, and maybe never will, but unless it is unsafe or unholy, I try to just accommodate because it matters to her.

So perhaps making sure she understands that even if it doesn’t bother her, it bothers you, and that SHOULD matter to one’s spouse.

 

[heidi_storage]

Some people just don’t understand time. Also, some of them believe that whenever they show up is when the event starts.

Very true. The OP’s wife may indeed be one. However, quotes like “in her mind, God doesn’t care if you show up late as long as you are a good person” seem to indicate that Mass, in particular, is an event of little importance to be gotten through as quickly as possible.

 

[Sy_Noe]

Hello.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 5 kids, youngest is 3.

When we were dating, we were both going to mass at separate parishes. We spent several months going to different parishes together, and settled on a very conservative church and joined-as most of the local parishes are quite progressive in the area we live. We were married there…and our kids go to the catholic school there. The only issue is that it is 25-30 minutes away from where we live. Unfortunately that price of houses in that area is about double that of where we live, so moving would cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars more for the same house. With private school tuition…I don’t think it’s an option.

When the kids were much younger, we mostly split up going to church. Now that they are all of age, we started going to mass together at our parish. We fell into a rut of never leaving on time and always being late. I started to do more in terms of getting the kids ready while my wife got ready…but that pretty much evolved into me being responsible for getting all 5 kids ready, or we would be late. Even with me now getting all 5 kids and myself ready, we are still always late. With a family of 7, this pretty much means we are stuck standing in back as there are no seats left when you show up 15 minutes late.

I guess my wife and I are on completely different pages when it comes to Sunday mass–which is a shocker to me. I was taught that you scheduled everything else around getting to mass…she on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think its a big deal showing up late every week. I have to tell her she needs to get in the shower if we are going to make it on time…and we still don’t.

Now, she has decided that she is going to go Saturday at 4:30 at the local parish–as the whole mass thing for her on Sunday ruins her day. The parish is very liberal and people come and go in and out of the mass all of the time. Most families leave right after communion and half of the people there are in shorts. She leaves at 4:30 and gets there late and (I think) leaves after communion as well. The kids now like going with her as its the easy thing to do. They are getting into the habit of wanting to show up to mass late now as it seems shorter. ! Ugh!

As it stands now, she goes on Saturday to the local parish–not the one we are member at (usually late) and takes 1-2 of the kids. I go to the 8AM mass with whichever of the kids still need to go. Somehow I manage to get to the 8AM mass on time…even though it further away. She tells me that going on Sundays with me ruins her day, and I am a Mass Nazi…

So, I’m stuck as a father as what to do…continue as we are going to mass separately, or going with her on Saturday even though it’s not the church we are members at, and I don’t get as much out of it. I find this really hard as growing up as my Mom was the guiding influence on getting our family to mass each week, but both my Mom and Dad were consistent and on the same page with the message.

Well yeah I can imagine I guess that half the people wearing shorts and most leaving early might be valid reasons to you for not attending Mass there. But OTOH are you prevented from going in your Sunday best and staying the full time if that’s what’s important to you? Maybe if you return to the pew following Communion, your wife will do likewise. I mean it’s only a few extra minutes. If not, who drives? Seriously if you have the car keys, she isn’t going any further without you than to the parking space where your car sits. So in time she might just remain inside those extra minutes too. I have to agree with your wife here. But then when I used to attend church, I also preferred Sat vigils. So I don’t see any problem with you attending Mass with your wife and all your kids together at the parish of her choice other than the one you are creating in your mind. Granted I’d try working a bit on her about not leaving until 430. But hope it all works out for you and your wife and children.

 

[GenerationHV]

All the more reason to tell your wife how much you admire her faith! This is a stretch, since I don’t know her, but she may feel you are comparing her to your family and she is coming up short. Tell her how wonderful she is! Tell her how amazing it is that her brother fell away and her sister fell away but that you hit the jackpot because you married this amazing faithful woman that attends Mass every Sunday and that loves Jesus!

It’s possible that your wife feels she has let you down because she doesn’t measure up to the other members of your family, but she really is your family. Be her champion, be her protector. Satan wants you to see her in a negative light and wants you to be frustrated with her. The strength you received in the Sacrament of matrimony will help a great deal. You and your wife need to try and grow together, this will take love, love and more love. Please be assured of my prayers.

:clapping:

 

[utah_rose]

In our family, I am the punctual one and my husband is not. I am an early riser and my husband is a night owl who likes to sleep in.

We are both happy with our parish so that’s not an issue. We used to try to go to the earlier morning Mass and it just caused too many problems. I had to drag my husband out of bed, get everybody ready, and we’d all be mad at each other by the time we were finally in the car, and usually late as well.

I decided I’d rather cut into nap time a little and we now go in the late morning. DH can wake up and I have plenty of time to dress the kids. They have a snack right before to help them make it to lunch. We thought about the Vigil, but it would have made dinner prep difficult and the late afternoon is horrendous for the kids’ behavior.

If it were all up to me and my schedule, yeah, we’d still go to the early morning Mass. But my husband gets up earlier than his natural time five, sometimes six days per week. I give him Sunday morning as an act of love. I decided my priority was going together without fighting about it. I can’t have it the exact way I want it, so I figure out what’s most important and go from there.

What are your priorities? The parish? The time? Going together? What can you give a little?

I too am punctual and my husband isn’t. He also is not a happy early riser. So, to keep the peace we either go to the Saturday night Vigil Mass or the Sunday 5pm Mass at another parish. If we go to either I feel funny because for years and years I felt that Sunday Mass is important. But sometimes you have to make conseccions, if I were you I’d attemp to go to the Saturday vigil Mas on time to, or is there a parish with a Sunday afternoon one?

 

[underacloud]

But on the other hand, I think you need to wean yourself of the idea that super-awesome-conservative-parish is the only real Catholic church and that going to your geographical parish is somehow cheating.

I’m surprised this issue wasn’t addressed more fully much earlier in this thread. The OP seems to have a very negative view towards the more “progressive” local parish (where people wear shorts ) and a very superior view of the conservative parish that’s many miles away. He even repeatedly referred to it as the parish they “belong to”, as though that ought to be a trump card in the debate. I suspect the wife’s preference for the local parish has at least as much to do with the style of worship there as it does to do with her tendency towards time-management problems.

And, as with all such threads, I suspect we’d receive a very diffirent account of the issues if the wife was to post. I don’t mean to have a personal dig at the OP here - just addressing the reality that we only hear one side of the story.

Anyway, with that said…

My own wife has a tendency to run late, especially if I’m not pushing her along, so I can sympathise. But try to separate that issue out from the rest and have a mature conversation focussing only on that. If you concede to her the parish you attend and the day/time of mass, it is only reasonable that she concedes to work with you on the lateness issue. It will not be easy to address, but if she can agree in principle to try you will have won the first major battle.

PS I wear shorts to mass often over the sticky summer months. Hopefully that won’t mean my advice is dismissed out of hand. I’m sure you’ll find the more of us short-wearers you get to know, the more confortable you’ll be around us.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m surprised this issue wasn’t addressed more fully much earlier in this thread. The OP seems to have a very negative view towards the more “progressive” local parish (where people wear shorts ) and a very superior view of the conservative parish that’s many miles away. He even repeatedly referred to it as the parish they “belong to”, as though that ought to be a trump card in the debate. I suspect the wife’s preference for the local parish has at least as much to do with the style of worship there as it does to do with her tendency towards time-management problems.

And, as with all such threads, I suspect we’d receive a very diffirent account of the issues if the wife was to post. I don’t mean to have a personal dig at the OP here - just addressing the reality that we only hear one side of the story.

Anyway, with that said…

My own wife has a tendency to run late, especially if I’m not pushing her along, so I can sympathise. But try to separate that issue out from the rest and have a mature conversation focussing only on that. If you concede to her the parish you attend and the day/time of mass, it is only reasonable that she concedes to work with you on the lateness issue. It will not be easy to address, but if she can agree in principle to try you will have won the first major battle.

PS I wear shorts to mass often over the sticky summer months. Hopefully that won’t mean my advice is dismissed out of hand. I’m sure you’ll find the more of us short-wearers you get to know, the more confortable you’ll be around us.

T-shirt too, or polo shirt?

 

[underacloud]

T-shirt too, or polo shirt?

I generally prefer polos. Do you think God has a preference for polos?

I presume He likes a good sandal, and they generally look better with shorts than with trousers.

 

[Xantippe]

I generally prefer polos. Do you think God has a preference for polos?

I presume He likes a good sandal, and they generally look better with shorts than with trousers.

That’s VERY funny.

Good job.