Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[Sy_Noe]

T-shirt too, or polo shirt?

When I used to attend, shorts, usually a buttoned down casual shirt, but sometimes a pullover shirt, and sneakers. Depending on the parish, I’ve been known to get frowned upon or not given a second look. Of course come to think of it, at a parish where I was not given a second look, some were in dressier attire and some were more casual than I, in flips flops. What others were wearing didn’t seem to be as significant of a focal point.

 

[barhoram]

T-shirt too, or polo shirt?

T-shirt. favorite band or nike Swoosh…show up late and leave early is the norm.
There is also a 50" plasma in the entry way that broadcasts the mass and people will sit there instead of going into the church. Suppose I’m a dinosaur in this new world to be concerned about this.

 

[pensmama87]

T-shirt. favorite band or nike Swoosh…show up late and leave early is the norm.
There is also a 50" plasma in the entry way that broadcasts the mass and people will sit there instead of going into the church. Suppose I’m a dinosaur in this new world to be concerned about this.

Just a thought - if you’re making these kind of statements to your wife, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she thinks of you as a killjoy.

(I don’t like that stuff either, for the record. I go to a very traditional OF parish and typically wear skirts and cover my head. But I think saying things like that is very, very unlikely to help.)

 

[barhoram]

. He even repeatedly referred to it as the parish they “belong to”, as though that ought to be a trump card in the debate.

This new church did not exist when my wife and I married…it is New. We had to officially register with the parish we are at now 20 years ago to receive sacraments (including marriage there) and attend the school. Our kids go to the catholic school at this parish, play CYO sports there, volunteer there, received their sacraments there…friends are are there.

I guess I’m asking…shouldn’t we make an effort to go there when we can? Or does it really not matter now that a new parish has opened up. Just seems odd to me to attend weekly mass somewhere else…

 

[Xantippe]

This new church did not exist when my wife and I married…it is New. We had to officially register with the parish we are at now 20 years ago to receive sacraments (including marriage there) and attend the school. Our kids go to the catholic school at this parish, play CYO sports there and all have received their sacraments there.

I guess I’m asking…shouldn’t we make an effort to go there when we can? Or does it really not matter now that a new parish has opened up.

There’s no reason you can’t go to your registered-at church–for instance in the summer.

 

[underacloud]

I guess I’m asking…shouldn’t we make an effort to go there when we can? Or does it really not matter now that a new parish has opened up.

No, Catholics are generally free to choose any valid mass to attend on any given Sunday. There is no need or obligation to attend a parish you are registered in or your local parish. As you observe, there can be practical issues with regard to sacraments and school, but if you became regulars at your new parish that would be fine anyway.

If your children expressed a desire to go to the parish where they go to school - say because their friends will be there - then that would be a relevant factor, but you haven’t noted that as an issue so I assume it is more based on your preference for the style of worship there?

 

[bitterhope]

No, Catholics are generally free to choose any valid mass to attend on any given Sunday. There is no need or obligation to attend a parish you are registered in or your local parish. As you observe, there can be practical issues with regard to sacraments and school, but if you became regulars at your new parish that would be fine anyway.

If your children expressed a desire to go to the parish where they go to school - say because their friends will be there - then that would be a relevant factor, but you haven’t noted that as an issue so I assume it is more based on your preference for the style of worship there?

He already does all the prep work with getting the kids ready. He even does it throughout the week at least 50% of the time. He should have the right to pick where they attend Mass when mom isn’t even attempting to help him out. Honestly, I think he should stop telling mom it’s time to go and just head out with the kids on his own. All the kids. Get them ready and in the car. Tell her he’s going to Mass and just leave. Put it on her to decide if she’s joining them or not. If she were not Catholic that is how it would be done. She’s an adult and she can decide for herself what she’s wanting to do. Let her know if she wants to attend the other Mass then she needs to help get the kids ready and that they all need to be there on time. If they aren’t leaving on time then you can hold off going and go to the Mass you choose. She’s a grown up. She needs to act like a grown up. If she’s really depressed or whatever she needs to get treatment for that. If she’s just being resentful she needs to grow up. There are kids involved. Take care of your kids and pray for your wife. But quit babying her. It’s just going to encourage that behavior to continue. She can help with things and be responsible with being on time or you can just head of in your own. If she sees you are no longer going to treat her like one of the kids she might decide it’s worth trying.

 

[Xantippe]

He already does all the prep work with getting the kids ready. He even does it throughout the week at least 50% of the time. He should have the right to pick where they attend Mass when mom isn’t even attempting to help him out. Honestly, I think he should stop telling mom it’s time to go and just head out with the kids on his own. All the kids. Get them ready and in the car. Tell her he’s going to Mass and just leave. Put it on her to decide if she’s joining them or not. If she were not Catholic that is how it would be done. She’s an adult and she can decide for herself what she’s wanting to do. Let her know if she wants to attend the other Mass then she needs to help get the kids ready and that they all need to be there on time. If they aren’t leaving on time then you can hold off going and go to the Mass you choose. She’s a grown up. She needs to act like a grown up. If she’s really depressed or whatever she needs to get treatment for that. If she’s just being resentful she needs to grow up. There are kids involved. Take care of your kids and pray for your wife. But quit babying her. It’s just going to encourage that behavior to continue. She can help with things and be responsible with being on time or you can just head of in your own. If she sees you are no longer going to treat her like one of the kids she might decide it’s worth trying.

They’d have a heck of a lot better chance of being on time going to a church 2 miles away rather than 25 minutes away.

Maybe that could be a deal, come to think of it–if you can get us to Mass at your preferred parish on time, we’ll go there, but if you don’t, we’ll go to my preferred Mass.

This works logistically because the Saturday Mass comes first. If she whiffs getting out the door at an appropriate time, you can still go Sunday to the OP’s preferred parish.

But don’t, for heaven’s sake, be punitive. Offer her a deal and invite her to live up to it. Less stick, more carrot.

 

[barhoram]

I’m surprised this issue wasn’t addressed more fully much earlier in this thread. The OP seems to have a very negative view towards the more “progressive” local parish (where people wear shorts )

Would you consider gym shorts and t-shirt (normal to see there) appropriate attire for Mass?

 

[PhiloMed]

Would you consider gym shorts and t-shirt (normal to see there) appropriate attire for Mass?

You’re really hung up on this aren’t you?

Perhaps your attitude is part of the reason your wife has little enthusiasm for attending mass with you.

 

[barhoram]

He already does all the prep work with getting the kids ready. He even does it throughout the week at least 50% of the time. He should have the right to pick where they attend Mass when mom isn’t even attempting to help him out. Honestly, I think he should stop telling mom it’s time to go and just head out with the kids on his own. All the kids. Get them ready and in the car. Tell her he’s going to Mass and just leave. Put it on her to decide if she’s joining them or not. If she were not Catholic that is how it would be done. She’s an adult and she can decide for herself what she’s wanting to do. Let her know if she wants to attend the other Mass then she needs to help get the kids ready and that they all need to be there on time. If they aren’t leaving on time then you can hold off going and go to the Mass you choose. She’s a grown up. She needs to act like a grown up. If she’s really depressed or whatever she needs to get treatment for that. If she’s just being resentful she needs to grow up. There are kids involved. Take care of your kids and pray for your wife. But quit babying her. It’s just going to encourage that behavior to continue. She can help with things and be responsible with being on time or you can just head of in your own. If she sees you are no longer going to treat her like one of the kids she might decide it’s worth trying.

Thanks. I will try this this week. Will pray for my wife and for my ability to approach the subject again with her. We have a family commitment on Saturday, so we will need to all go to mass on Sunday.

 

[barhoram]

You’re really hung up on this aren’t you?

Perhaps your attitude is part of the reason your wife has little enthusiasm for attending mass with you.

Thinking this is inappropriate for mass is the wrong attitude?

 

[PhiloMed]

Thinking this is inappropriate for mass is the wrong attitude?

Focusing on this as the reason why you don’t like a parish is the wrong attitude.

Then again you probably wouldn’t like mine because people are dressed in all sorts of ways. I’ve managed to not pay attention to it. The church is a few minutes from my house. It is my geographic parish. It is easy to get to.

Despite being given many different suggestions for how to handle the situation with your wife, you always seem to be coming back to not liking her preferred church because of how the people are dressed.

 

[Lou2U]

Focusing on this as the reason why you don’t like a parish is the wrong attitude.
…

I agree with this. If your wife really is struggling with her faith, then it is better she goes to a Mass than none at all. You may not like it, but the dress of people in the Mass isn’t important. Your wife’s time management and resentment is.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with this. If your wife really is struggling with her faith, then it is better she goes to a Mass than none at all. You may not like it, but the dress of people in the Mass isn’t important. Your wife’s time management and resentment is.

Lou

Right.

Plus, your kids are watching.

 

[barhoram]

Focusing on this as the reason why you don’t like a parish is the wrong attitude.

Then again you probably wouldn’t like mine because people are dressed in all sorts of ways. I’ve managed to not pay attention to it. The church is a few minutes from my house. It is my geographic parish. It is easy to get to.

Despite being given many different suggestions for how to handle the situation with your wife, you always seem to be coming back to not liking her preferred church because of how the people are dressed.

Very good points. It’s more a combo of the very relaxed dress and the mass exodus of everyone after Communion at this parish that I object to. I assume they aren’t showing much reverence for the Mass in general…and is that the best place to bring a family to each week If I don’t agree? The kids ask why they can’t wear shorts like everyone else and want to leave after Communion. I tell them we are staying, but should we even be at place where that is the accepted practice? I guess everyone here thinks yes, so I will stop thinking this way.

I’m going to spend some time over on the Ask an Apoligist part of the forum and read up as it seems my thoughts the Mass are quite dated or just wrong. Thanks.

 

[Xantippe]

Very good points. It’s more a combo of the very relaxed dress and the mass exodus of everyone after Communion at this parish that I object to. I assume they aren’t showing much reverence for the Mass in general…and is that the best place to bring a family to each week If I don’t agree? The kids ask why they can’t wear shorts like everyone else and want to leave after Communion. I tell them we are staying, but should we even be at place where that is the accepted practice? I guess everyone here thinks yes, so I will stop thinking this way.

I’m going to spend some time over on the Ask an Apoligist part of the forum and read up as it seems my thoughts the Mass are quite dated or just wrong. Thanks.

Is it really “everyone” bolting right after communion? Isn’t there somebody there to sing the final hymn or hear announcements? Is it really just the choir?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Is it really “everyone” bolting right after communion? Isn’t there somebody there to sing the final hymn or hear announcements? Is it really just the choir?

I don’t know where the op lives but the “liberal” parish sounds like well, every single west coast parish ever.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t know where the op lives but the “liberal” parish sounds like well, every single west coast parish ever.

Well, I’ve been in some pretty liberal NE parishes, and I’ve never seen the sort of 95% mass bolt he describes. (Pun unintentional.) 25% maybe.

 

[underacloud]

I’m going to spend some time over on the Ask an Apoligist part of the forum and read up as it seems my thoughts the Mass are quite dated or just wrong. Thanks.

Your concerns are certainly relevant, but they are one factor in a complicated situation.

You are quite right that people leaving after communion is wrong. This is a constant concern at most local parishes as far as I know. No easy solution.

You are also right that people ought to be well presented for mass. That will differ and depend a lot on local customs and climate. I believe shorts and sandals can be well worn in hot summer months (we are in Australia), but would agree that gym shorts would fall short of a reasonable standard. And yet, there are a few important points here. A) it’s better that these people are at mass poorly dressed than not at all. B) not everyone can afford the sorts of clothes we may prefer they wear (and you have raised the socioeconomic issue yourself). C) we should all be less concerned about the attire and behaviour of others while at mass.

There is also a general confounding of a few issues here - which is that a more conservative style of parish will have a more formal, perhaps “old fashioned”, style of worship, with people dressing well in keeping with the tone. A more “modern” parish and style of worship may attract people who tend to dress less formally to mass and in general. For you, the issue of attire may be a prominent concern. Meanwhile, for your wife, the style of worship (and greater convenience) may be what is directing her choice.

These are difficult balancing acts. Certainly we should encourage great reverence for the mass. But also we want people - especially our own children - to feel comfortable in the church environment. No one parish or style of worship will necessarily get the balance quite right for any given family. But either way I would still value more highly the prospect of having the whole family worship together and hopefully being more inclined to be on time, and it seems your local parish is the best bet in that regard.