Wife would rather go to church on Saturday as it ruins her Sunday?

[Kal2012]

If she wants to go on Saturday, then go on Saturday.

My husband’s an “on again - off again” mass goer.

My husband loves going to the Saturday service because it screws up his Sunday. (i.e. he likes to sleep in, he’s already awake for the evening service and it’s easier to deal with people. In terms of the mass, there are less people attending)

Still, most of the time he just stays home and I end up taking my son to the 12 pm Sunday mass.

I don’t push. I don’t prod.

I suspect the next time I’ll see him in church is at our son’s first communion in a few months.

Church just isn’t important to him. That’s fine, but that just means that I have to pick up the slack. I’m the one who does a lot of the “religious” stuff w/our son.

Your wife really needs to be honest with herself and you about her reluctance to go to church.

 

[barhoram]

I have read the whole thread and this is what I think ( have been in a similar situation when my kids were little but now they are older):

1). For one reason or another, your wife seems burned out. Tell her you hope that she feels better soon
2) however, in the meantime, take over getting the kids to church. Take them to the mass you and your wife decide is best for your family
3). Have the kids dress themselves, have the older ones help the younger ones, let them wear mis- matched outfits if necessary
4). Leave for mass on time. Half an hour before call to everyone “we’re leaving for church in half an hour”. Then “we’re leaving in 5 mins!” Do not direct this toward your wife, just a general announcement
5). Leave on time. If your wife isn’t ready say in your nicest voice “we’re leaving honey!”
6). Do not let the kids see your annoyance. Talk about getting donuts after mass or going to the park after mass
7). If and when your wife shows up, smile and give her a hug or whatever she likes
8). Let her know you are open to talk about what is bothering her if she wants to talk
9). Be on the lookout for other warning signs
10). Stay positive and be flexible

Thanks. Very good advice. This is pretty much what I do now…or was doing. She has since started going Saturday. I must admit after several months of it, was hard not to direct the announcement to my wife since she was the only one not ready. Will work to do this better.

 

[Kal2012]

Also, one thing to consider, I have neighbors who go to the 5pm mass on Saturdays because they don’t want to go anywhere on Sundays.

They want a day off where they aren’t going in all sorts of directions for hobbies/work/school activities, etc. They just want a day where they are able to stay home and be a family and slow down.

I can certainly understand wanting to carve out some time like that.

Maybe there’s something like that going on with your wife as well.

 

[barhoram]

If she wants to go on Saturday, then go on Saturday.

My husband’s an “on again - off again” mass goer.

My husband loves going to the Saturday service because it screws up his Sunday. (i.e. he likes to sleep in, he’s already awake for the evening service and it’s easier to deal with people. In terms of the mass, there are less people attending)

Still, most of the time he just stays home and I end up taking my son to the 12 pm Sunday mass.

I don’t push. I don’t prod.

I suspect the next time I’ll see him in church is at our son’s first communion in a few months.

Church just isn’t important to him. That’s fine, but that just means that I have to pick up the slack. I’m the one who does a lot of the “religious” stuff w/our son.

Your wife really needs to be honest with herself and you about her reluctance to go to church.

Thanks. Good advice. It’s just hard as most of the time (at least in my experience) the non-mass goer is the man. My mom had to drag my dad to the mass that she thought was best for us…and thankfully…so as all 5 of us are still practicing. Everyone applauded her for it.

 

[twf]

Going as a family to a reverent mass where you feel spiritually nourished on a Sunday morning is definitely the ideal… but for now you may have to find a practical compromise. Scripture tells us not to place great burdens on weaker brethren. Not everyone is at the same place spiritually. There are certain ideals (such as a reverently celebrated Sunday morning mass), but the Church in her compassion give us other pastoral options. When Saturday evening masses were first introduced they were indeed intended to be a concession for those who simply couldn’t make it on Sunday, but today the Church allows the faithful to satisfy their obligation at any mass between Saturday evening and Sunday evening. Even if not ideal, at least your family will be meeting the Sunday obligation. Perhaps you are trying to force feed your wife / family solid foods when they’re only ready for milk?

 

[pensmama87]

“Mass Nazi”!!!

Obviously there’s more going on here, but my husband, who is very devout about his faith, has said similar things to me regarding my perfectionistic tendencies, including punctuality.

It was an eye-opener, and that experience was the basis for my suggestion to the OP: that he might be driving his wife away by his insistence on many things at one time: go to the Mass he wanted at the time he wanted at the parish he wanted, and the idea that having other preferences is an indication of less holiness. If I got that from the OP, even if it’s accidental, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the way his wife felt.

That’s not to excuse rudeness and disrespect, but I know some people get to a point of, “Well, I can’t meet spouse’s standards, so I give up.” If her faith is wavering, it’s really amazing that she continues to go at all.

If the wife were here I’d give different advice to her, but my suggestion is that the OP work with what he has, and encourage his wife in her faith journey even if it means that for now, Mass on Sundays is out. Sometimes I feel like that too - that it’s just another place to go and get ready for, and that can be tiring. Having a day for rest - total rest - would be awesome. And the Church permits vigil Masses, and permits other things. Even if it’s not the OP’s ideal, maybe he needs to work with that, at least for now.

 

[lax16]

Thanks. Very good advice. This is pretty much what I do now…or was doing. She has since started going Saturday. I must admit after several months of it, was hard not to direct the announcement to my wife since she was the only one not ready. Will work to do this better.

If Saturday works best then go on Saturday. It might be nice to have a no-drive Sunday for now. God understands our hearts.

Maybe you can all go out to eat or go on a picnic dinner after Saturday mass. That should help with the burnout as well.

Do you and your wife go out on a regular date night? If not, work that into the week as well. Or every other week.

 

[Lou2U]

If Saturday works best then go on Saturday. It might be nice to have a no-drive Sunday for now. God understands our hearts.

Maybe you can all go out to eat or go on a picnic dinner after Saturday mass. That should help with the burnout as well.

Do you and your wife go out on a regular date night? If not, work that into the week as well. Or every other week.

That’s a very good point. If your wife doesn’t like the commute, OP, then it’s worth letting her have a break from it one day a week.

Lou

 

[barhoram]

Going as a family to a reverent mass where you feel spiritually nourished on a Sunday morning is definitely the ideal… but for now you may have to find a practical compromise. Scripture tells us not to place great burdens on weaker brethren. Not everyone is at the same place spiritually. There are certain ideals (such as a reverently celebrated Sunday morning mass), but the Church in her compassion give us other pastoral options. When Saturday evening masses were first introduced they were indeed intended to be a concession for those who simply couldn’t make it on Sunday, but today the Church allows the faithful to satisfy their obligation at any mass between Saturday evening and Sunday evening. Even if not ideal, at least your family will be meeting the Sunday obligation. Perhaps you are trying to force feed your wife / family solid foods when they’re only ready for milk?

Thanks. This is exact thought the brought me here with the original question as compromise is needed. Which do you think is the better option…

A) Her going on Saturday to the local mass with 1-2 of our kids, and me going on Sunday to the church we belong at with the remaining kids…which is working, there are no arguments…

B) All 7 of us going to the local mass on Saturday (probably in 2 cars as I will go and take the kids there to be on time)? She will be mad when we leave w/o her to make it on time.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s a pretty good chance that the school parish subliminally represents “work” to your wife, so it may be hard for her to get out of work mode when in the area of the school parish. Imagine how you’d feel about going to Sunday Mass at a chapel located inside your place of work…

Any other parish might be better for Sunday Mass if that is the case.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks. This is exact thought the brought me here with the original question as compromise is needed. Which do you think is the better option…

A) Her going on Saturday to the local mass with 1-2 of our kids, and me going on Sunday to the church we belong at with the remaining kids…which is working, there are no arguments…

B) All 7 of us going to the local mass on Saturday (probably in 2 cars as I will go and take the kids there to be on time)? She will be mad when we leave w/o her to make it on time.

B.

B is actually pretty similar to A, with the addition of 1) getting to go to a parish she prefers and 2) the possibility of all attending together.

 

[Lou2U]

Thanks. This is exact thought the brought me here with the original question as compromise is needed. Which do you think is the better option…

A) Her going on Saturday to the local mass with 1-2 of our kids, and me going on Sunday to the church we belong at with the remaining kids…which is working, there are no arguments…

B) All 7 of us going to the local mass on Saturday (probably in 2 cars as I will go and take the kids there to be on time)? She will be mad when we leave w/o her to make it on time.

The only problem with option B is that your wife may choose to retaliate by not going to Mass at all if you leave without her.

Would you be able to all go on Saturday, to show your wife that you do care for her opinions, and for what she wants? And then she doesn’t have to drive even more when she hates doing so in the first place.

It’s frustrating, I know. Your best bet is to address the resentment at it’s source, which probably will mean getting marriage counselling to help you communicate better.

Lou

 

[barhoram]

There’s a pretty good chance that the school parish subliminally represents “work” to your wife, so it may be hard for her to get out of work mode when in the area of the school parish. Imagine how you’d feel about going to Sunday Mass at a chapel located inside your place of work…

Any other parish might be better for Sunday Mass if that is the case.

I think the real issue is that getting 7 people to mass (5 kids) and back is a 2-3 hour commitment (work). Easier for her to grab 1 and go on Saturday a few minutes late…as it’s closer to an hour commitment. If we all go as a family and get there on time…we are back to 2 plus hours if you factor in getting kids ready and leaving on time. She’d just rather go it on her own at this point.

 

[pensmama87]

Maybe I missed this, but is the OP’s wife generally late to everything? Or is it just Mass?

(And does the OP react to the lateness the same way if it is to everything?)

 

[barhoram]

B.

B is actually pretty similar to A, with the addition of 1) getting to go to a parish she prefers and 2) the possibility of all attending together.

except B isn’t the our registered parish, or the parish our kids go to school at…just closer. and maybe that is OK…just trying to figure it out.

 

[Della]

except B isn’t the our registered parish, or the parish our kids go to school at…just closer. and maybe that is OK…just trying to figure it out.

Just for the sake of clarity, your registered parish isn’t necessarily your territorial parish. You can register at any parish you like, but you are a member of your territorial parish whether you’re registered there, attend there, or not.

 

[barhoram]

Maybe I missed this, but is the OP’s wife generally late to everything? Or is it just Mass?

(And does the OP react to the lateness the same way if it is to everything?)

Yes–late to most everything. Most of the other things…days she works…days she takes the kids to school…I don’t react to as I’m going in the other direction.

 

[Xantippe]

I think the real issue is that getting 7 people to mass (5 kids) and back is a 2-3 hour commitment (work). Easier for her to grab 1 and go on Saturday a few minutes late…as it’s closer to an hour commitment. If we all go as a family and get there on time…we are back to 2 plus hours if you factor in getting kids ready and leaving on time. She’d just rather go it on her own at this point.

Come to think of it, going by herself with only a child or two is probably much less stressful for her.

Maybe you need to focus on primarily on reducing the stress level surrounding Mass.

That may be a lot of the attraction of the more laid-back parish–it’s a less stressful environment.

 

[barhoram]

her logic on Sunday mass options:

8AM. Way too early.
9:30. Have to leave at 9:05 to make it. Too Early…sometimes we try. Always late a crowded mass = no seats. Sitting in kids area or standing in back.
11:00: Doesn’t end until 12:15ish…aren’t home until close to 1. Day shot.
12:30 Same as above.
6PM: We have school on Monday!

 

[lax16]

except B isn’t the our registered parish, or the parish our kids go to school at…just closer. and maybe that is OK…just trying to figure it out.

If it were me and I knew I was dealing with a bigger problem I would go to the closer one for now.

Summer is just a few months away - maybe the drive won’t be an issue then.