Wife's aversion to intimacy. HELP.

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28562

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I hope you guys can give me some helpful advice on this…Because I am absolutely lost. This is an area of my marriage that is of great concern to me and I no longer know what to think or feel or do. This post might get kinda personal, but hey, it’s the internet and it’s all anonymous, right? lol…

I guess I’ll start with a little disclaimer. Other than this issue, I would say I have as close to a perfect marriage as you could possibly get. I love my wife and kids very much. She is perfect (for me) in every way except one… So what I am saying is that I am very happily married, except when it comes to our intimate life (or lack of).

Now for some history.

My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years. We have been married for almost 6 of them. My wife is 25 and I will be 27 soon. We have 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and almost 2. Our intimate life has never been what I would consider ‘good’ with the exception of our honeymoon and a few weeks here and there throughout our marriage. Overall, I would rate it a 3(ish) on a scale of one to ten…At the moment, I’d give it a -10.
We were 16 and 17 when we started dating. We both wanted to wait until we got married to have sex, but we gave in after dating for 14 months. Unfortunately, we continued off and on until we got married. Oddly enough, I was the one who had more will power to say no back then and she was the one who initiated things most of the time. We tried to not do it anymore, but failed from time to time. We made a commitment to not have sex for the 6 months leading up to our wedding and we did that. Like I said before, our honeymoon was amazing. It was so great, that we conceived (unplanned) our daughter and she was born 9 months to the day after our wedding.
It has all been downhill since then. With the exception of a few weeks here and there in the last 6 years, it has been difficult to say the least. I would say on average, we are intimate twice a month. There are times that have been better than that and times that have been worse than that, right now being the latter. I know there are times when I haven’t been the perfect husband (who is?) and there are times when she has not been perfect either…I would say that 95% of the times we have been intimate in our marriage, I have tried to initiate or simply ask for it and she agrees, mainly out of obligation, but not because she is interested or wants to. It has always been one of those ‘lets go ahead and get this over with’ things. Obviously (and she knows this) that is not what I want. She can’t seem to understand that it is more than just a physical need for me to be with her. Last night, she told me that she finds it hard to believe that me tying my feelings, self esteem and emotions to it isn’t just me trying to find a way to make her more accepting of my desires to be intimate with her (because she isn’t accepting of the physical need).
Now, she has a negative image of sex and intimacy because she sees all those times as her doing something she doesn’t want to do, against her will and it disgusts her. She also has a negative image of intimacy because her twin sister was molested as a child and her dad openly cheats and she is ‘scarred’ by the porn collection she found of his when she was younger. Her sister was also sexually and emotionally abused in her first marriage. As unfair as it is, all these things are working against me. I have never cheated on her, I don’t look at porn and I haven’t for a very long time. I cherish her and her body and I wouldn’t purposely do anything to hurt her.
 
Too long for one post…

So you get the idea that things have kinda sucked for a very long time. I told her a couple months ago that I was going to start trying harder to be a better husband (helping more around the house, being more patient and considerate, etc). I have always done these things, but I was going to step it up even more to try to make her be more ‘in love’ with me and hope that led to better intimacy. So I did just that.
Then, for the straw that broke the camels back…I surprised her with a date night (which we RARELY get) on New Years. I arranged for some friends to keep our kids and made reservations for the restaurant where we had our first date. She was less than excited when I told her about the plans because she was nervous about leaving the kids and being out on New Years. Of course, I was disappointed when she wasn’t super excited that I had planned all this. Anyway, we went out to eat and then rented a movie to take home and watch. We put blankets and pillows in the living room floor and watched the movie. Of course, like any male of our species, I was hoping (and expecting) that we would make love. After the movie was over, I tried to kiss her and she said “so, I guess we are supposed to have sex now, right?” and told me that it just felt awkward. I said okay, I’ll try to make it not awkward and I went to our bedroom and straightened it up, lit candles and put on some cologne. I took her to our bedroom and I thought we were getting things started, but then she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she told me that she was sad that the kids weren’t in their beds (they were spending the night at our friends). Talk about a mood killer…So I gave up on sex and just tried to hold her and comfort her while we went to sleep. She said “it’s okay, we can still do it…” but I just told her (comforting) “No, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” And we went to sleep. Of course I was really disappointed and confused, but I just figured I would get over it. At some point during the night, ( I vaguely remember this) I was half asleep or something ( I don’t really understand what happened) and woke her up to have sex. We did, and then went back to sleep. We were both falling asleep in the middle of it and I don’t know for sure if I was ever awake fully, because I know I am not the kind of guy that would do that. The next day, she said that she felt like she was raped and she never wanted to have sex again, unless we were trying to have a baby. I feel terrible about what happened, but I also feel like I am being unfairly blamed because I wasn’t completely coherent when it happened.
So that is where it stands now. We haven’t had sex in a month and a half. We have talked a bunch since then and we are working really hard on trying to make our relationship better and hopefully the intimacy we had during our dating and honeymoon will come back. We have been more affectionate (kissing, hugging, etc) in recent weeks and I thought we were getting close. She even said that it had crossed her mind, but then I mess up one time with not doing something around the house or being in a bad mood and it’s like I am starting over. Everything had been going great lately and I thought that maybe it would happen on Valentines. We put the kids to bed early and made a nice dinner to eat in peace by ourselves. Then we had some wine and strawberries and watched some tv. We went to bed and I put NO pressure on here, I was hoping that she would make a move. It never happened. As a matter of fact, she brought our 2 yr old into our bed to sleep. I was hurt, but not shocked. I asked her last night when we were talking about our problems what was wrong with Valentines…she told me that everything was perfect, but she didn’t want to be intimate because it was ‘expected’ because it is valentine’s day and she felt too much pressure to ‘perform’. Whatever. Eye roll…
She doesn’t want us to talk to a counselor. I have brought it up more than once and she is not interested. This is so incredibly frustrating. I want to have an intimate relationship with my wife. I want her to want me. It is just not happening. Lately, I have resorted to masturbation to try to control my feelings and help me to give her space, but it leaves me feeling bad. She is perfectly happy not being intimate and I think this last 7 weeks has been like a vacation for her because I haven’t bothered her about it and I have just been quietly taking care of myself. I don’t want to do that. I am still not looking at porn, but it is getting more difficult to control my thoughts about other women. I am certainly not going to cheat on her, but a married man should not be in this predicament!
What am I supposed to do???
 
This sounds a LOT like things that happened in my marriage years ago. I think you two really need to see a counselor together. I know she doesn’t want to, but I think you should insist. Some parts of this are maybe just male/female differences (as a female, I relate to her feeling “pressured”), and maybe having young children, but some is related to her past. I know it was for me. In counseling we were able to get some help and work things out.
 
Number One, STOP masturbating! It is a mortal sin and will do NOTHING ti improve your relationship with your wife. You are reducing sex to a physical need, exactly what you say your wife believes it to be. You don’t get any of those other needs met when you masturbate and it’s sinful on top of that. So just QUIT!

You are doing well with the dates, but do it more often. You have 3 little kids, your wife is tired, and she’s angry at you for something. She knows that is the best way to hurt you. It may not be conscious on her part, but on some level, she knows she is getting to you. It’s a very powerful position for a woman to refuse sex with her husband.

Keep asking her to go to counseling, or Retrouvaille. She needs to communicate with you. I could talk to her about what she is doing, which is destroying her marriage. Pray for your wife, she does need help… If her twin was molested I wonder if she was too.
 
Accept her for who she is. She will come to you when she is ready. In the time between spend your spare time praying instead of masturbating and you’ll probably be amazed at your new outlook on things.
 
Once someone has a certain view of sex ingrained in his/her mind, it is very very difficult to turn it around. That person essentially has to be “de-programmed.” Your wife desperately needs counseling and that will require her admitting there is a problem in the first place. You’re never going to convince her alone. In her mind you’re now associated with that dirty dark thing called sex.

If she refuses counseling would she be open to reading together on the topic? Maybe something about Theology of the Body or there is a book by Gregory Popcak on this subject which I can say is very good. Anything you can do to get her to take small steps in the direction of being able to openly talk about sex is a good thing.

Oddly enough in our marriage it’s my husband who has more of the “sex is dirty” worldview and he admits it’s something he’s had to work on throughout our marriage. He sometimes feels like he loves and respects me too much to think about me sexually. That is really backwards thinking but that really is a struggle for him–and it’s a serious killer to my self-esteem so I understand how you feel.

Good luck to you.
 
nancysisul said:
Accept her for who she is. She will come to you when she is ready. In the time between spend your spare time praying instead of masturbating and you’ll probably be amazed at your new outlook on things.
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Cannot disagree more. Sexual intimacy is a normal part of marriage. It is unitive to the spouses and there is such a thing as marital debt. He can accept his wife and still desire her. And she probably won’t come to him when she is ready. It’s not easy to get the desire back with a veneer of anger over it.

I do agree that he should stop the masturbation though, and pray more.
 
Schieffelin said:
Once someone has a certain view of sex ingrained in his/her mind, it is very very difficult to turn it around. That person essentially has to be “de-programmed.” Your wife desperately needs counseling and that will require her admitting there is a problem in the first place. You’re never going to convince her alone. In her mind you’re now associated with that dirty dark thing called sex.

If she refuses counseling would she be open to reading together on the topic? Maybe something about Theology of the Body or there is a book by Gregory Popcak on this subject which I can say is very good. Anything you can do to get her to take small steps in the direction of being able to openly talk about sex is a good thing.

Oddly enough in our marriage it’s my husband who has more of the “sex is dirty” worldview and he admits it’s something he’s had to work on throughout our marriage. He sometimes feels like he loves and respects me too much to think about me sexually. That is really backwards thinking but that really is a struggle for him–and it’s a serious killer to my self-esteem so I understand how you feel.

Good luck to you.
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I am so fortunate that my husband never gave up trying. I put him through hell with my refusal. And I am glad that God finally broke through my attitude and showed me what I was doing.
 
OP, the best thing you can do for yourself, your wife, and your marriage is get competent, professional marital counseling. Today. If your wife will not go, go alone. If you don’t have insurance, find a practice that will accept you on a sliding scale based on income.

Your marriage has systemic issues that are way beyond the abilities of anonymous Internet amateurs to help you with.

Luna
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I am so fortunate that my husband never gave up trying. I put him through hell with my refusal. And I am glad that God finally broke through my attitude and showed me what I was doing.
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Good for you for allowing yourself to be humbled! It should give the OP real hope for his marriage. You are right that you’re lucky your husband never gave up–many of them are crushed by the constant rejection and they do eventually give up.
I frequently struggle with feeling very rejected by my husband because he’s not that interested in sex. I hope he has a change of heart like you did and understands how important it is to a marriage. But anyway, I don’t want to hijack the thread and make it about me…so back to the topic at hand 🙂
 
Schieffelin said:
Good for you for allowing yourself to be humbled! It should give the OP real hope for his marriage. You are right that you’re lucky your husband never gave up–many of them are crushed by the constant rejection and they do eventually give up.
I frequently struggle with feeling very rejected by my husband because he’s not that interested in sex. I hope he has a change of heart like you did and understands how important it is to a marriage. But anyway, I don’t want to hijack the thread and make it about me…so back to the topic at hand 🙂
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Oh I am VERY stubborn! It took a lot for the Holy Spirit to break through my attitude. I can blame my husband for ANYTHING and never look at the plank in my own eye. The poor man! I have been so angry and in total denial of it.

Some if it was my self-image as well. I have felt fat and unattractive for a couple of years now. That’s MY problem and it might be a factor with the OP’s wife as well…After 3 kids her body probably doesn’t look like it used to, nor is it likely that she has much time to spend exercising and eating healthy. And my husband would tell me that he LOVES my body and me, just as I am, but I could not even HEAR his words. The Holy Spirit pulled out my ear plugs too! LOL.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Number One, STOP masturbating! It is a mortal sin and will do NOTHING ti improve your relationship with your wife. You are reducing sex to a physical need, exactly what you say your wife believes it to be. You don’t get any of those other needs met when you masturbate and it’s sinful on top of that. So just QUIT!

You are doing well with the dates, but do it more often. You have 3 little kids, your wife is tired, and she’s angry at you for something. She knows that is the best way to hurt you. It may not be conscious on her part, but on some level, she knows she is getting to you. It’s a very powerful position for a woman to refuse sex with her husband.

Keep asking her to go to counseling, or Retrouvaille. She needs to communicate with you. I could talk to her about what she is doing, which is destroying her marriage. Pray for your wife, she does need help… If her twin was molested I wonder if she was too.
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I agree with all points.

I think the Retrouvaille suggestion is a good one. A retreat can seem less imposing than counseling.
 
Luna_Lovecraft said:
OP, the best thing you can do for yourself, your wife, and your marriage is get competent, professional marital counseling. Today. If your wife will not go, go alone. If you don’t have insurance, find a practice that will accept you on a sliding scale based on income.

Your marriage has systemic issues that are way beyond the abilities of anonymous Internet amateurs to help you with.

Luna
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Couldn’t agree more.
 
Whoah… (Reading now) this is like the gossip part of a celeb magazine… heehee
 
Thanks so far guys…

A couple things…
  1. I have already made the decision to stop masturbating. I decided that a few days ago after realizing just how crummy it really made me feel.
  2. I think that TherealJuliane could actually be my wife…geez, couldn’t sound more similar, really. Maybe her body issues play a part, but she is not overweight. I think she weighs about 10lbs more than when we got married. I tell her all the time how great she looks, and I have done so for years, but it seems like she never listens.
  3. Yes, her sister was molested, but she wasn’t. She would have told me about it, I have no doubt in my mind.
  4. To nancy, I truly believe in my heart that she will NEVER come to me when she is ready, because she will never be ready. When we were talking last night, I told her that I felt like she would be perfectly happy if we never had sex again and I never mentioned another word about it. She didn’t disagree.
  5. To Anne, help me understand the ‘pressure’ issue. I just don’t get it. If we had been doing so good and I did everything right, how does it still not work?:confused:
  6. One of the biggest problems is that when I think about it, I get in a really crummy, depressed, discouraged mood. And I have NOBODY to talk to this about. You just can’t talk about things like this with anyone…friends, brothers, parents…Thank God for the internet. I honestly feel less anxiety about this issue after I typed this thread earlier.
 
Get counseling, as others have suggested.

Food for thought: Is it possible she’s concerned that every time you two get together is 9 months before a baby pops out?

If you haven’t learned Natural Family Planning, yet, I encourage you to (you did not mention in your post). There are many proven ways of distinguishing the fertile and infertile times so that you can continue to enjoy your relationship while spacing out children. NFP, when properly used, is fully compatible with Church teaching.

Some well-regarded NFP models:
Creighton Model
Sympto-Thermal Method
Billings
Marquette (uses a computerized monitor)
 
28562 said:
Too long for one post…

So you get the idea that things have kinda sucked for a very long time. I told her a couple months ago that I was going to start trying harder to be a better husband (helping more around the house, being more patient and considerate, etc). I have always done these things, but I was going to step it up even more to try to make her be more ‘in love’ with me and hope that led to better intimacy. So I did just that.
Then, for the straw that broke the camels back…I surprised her with a date night (which we RARELY get) on New Years. I arranged for some friends to keep our kids and made reservations for the restaurant where we had our first date. She was less than excited when I told her about the plans because she was nervous about leaving the kids and being out on New Years. Of course, I was disappointed when she wasn’t super excited that I had planned all this. Anyway, we went out to eat and then rented a movie to take home and watch. We put blankets and pillows in the living room floor and watched the movie. Of course, like any male of our species, I was hoping (and expecting) that we would make love. After the movie was over, I tried to kiss her and she said “so, I guess we are supposed to have sex now, right?” and told me that it just felt awkward. I said okay, I’ll try to make it not awkward and I went to our bedroom and straightened it up, lit candles and put on some cologne. I took her to our bedroom and I thought we were getting things started, but then she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she told me that she was sad that the kids weren’t in their beds (they were spending the night at our friends). Talk about a mood killer…So I gave up on sex and just tried to hold her and comfort her while we went to sleep. She said “it’s okay, we can still do it…” but I just told her (comforting) “No, don’t worry about it, it’s fine.” And we went to sleep. Of course I was really disappointed and confused, but I just figured I would get over it. At some point during the night, ( I vaguely remember this) I was half asleep or something ( I don’t really understand what happened) and woke her up to have sex. We did, and then went back to sleep. We were both falling asleep in the middle of it and I don’t know for sure if I was ever awake fully, because I know I am not the kind of guy that would do that. The next day, she said that she felt like she was raped and she never wanted to have sex again, unless we were trying to have a baby. I feel terrible about what happened, but I also feel like I am being unfairly blamed because I wasn’t completely coherent when it happened.
So that is where it stands now. We haven’t had sex in a month and a half. We have talked a bunch since then and we are working really hard on trying to make our relationship better and hopefully the intimacy we had during our dating and honeymoon will come back. We have been more affectionate (kissing, hugging, etc) in recent weeks and I thought we were getting close. She even said that it had crossed her mind, but then I mess up one time with not doing something around the house or being in a bad mood and it’s like I am starting over. Everything had been going great lately and I thought that maybe it would happen on Valentines. We put the kids to bed early and made a nice dinner to eat in peace by ourselves. Then we had some wine and strawberries and watched some tv. We went to bed and I put NO pressure on here, I was hoping that she would make a move. It never happened. As a matter of fact, she brought our 2 yr old into our bed to sleep. I was hurt, but not shocked. I asked her last night when we were talking about our problems what was wrong with Valentines…she told me that everything was perfect, but she didn’t want to be intimate because it was ‘expected’ because it is valentine’s day and she felt too much pressure to ‘perform’. Whatever. Eye roll…
She doesn’t want us to talk to a counselor. I have brought it up more than once and she is not interested. This is so incredibly frustrating. I want to have an intimate relationship with my wife. I want her to want me. It is just not happening. Lately, I have resorted to masturbation to try to control my feelings and help me to give her space, but it leaves me feeling bad. She is perfectly happy not being intimate and I think this last 7 weeks has been like a vacation for her because I haven’t bothered her about it and I have just been quietly taking care of myself. I don’t want to do that. I am still not looking at porn, but it is getting more difficult to control my thoughts about other women. I am certainly not going to cheat on her, but a married man should not be in this predicament!
What am I supposed to do???
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28562 said:
** a married man should not be in this predicament!
**

I think you are being incredibly selfish. I’ve read both post and all I see is despite how disturbed she is about the image and thought of sex due to what has happened to her, you still persist and pushing her to put up with your (“needs”) desires anyway.

All this is doing is going to make her feel sick of the idea of looking at you in any sexual way possible. You are rubbing a raw wound.

I want to say more, but where will it go? Nowhere, I think.
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SonCatcher said:
Get counseling, as others have suggested.

Food for thought: Is it possible she’s concerned that every time you two get together is 9 months before a baby pops out?
Click to expand...
No, that’s not quite true and we do fine at NFP. Except for our first, our children were planned, but thanks for the concern.👍

Besides, she wants to have another baby…me, not so much…
 
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