Wife's aversion to intimacy. HELP.

[in_servitude]

I can’t say that I’ve been in the same exact situation, but it looks similar to me. I’m the guy.

I’ve scanned what you’ve been advised on so far, and I don’t see the following angle yet:

In my own case, and in other cases I’ve seen - this “symptom” seems to occur when the men are not leading their families spiritually. My advice is to step up and be the man of the house when it comes to spiritual matters. (If I’m wrong on this in your case, I humbly apologize!)

• Do you get the family together and pray every night?
• How about before every meal?
• Do you read a bit from the bible to your wife every night (at least when it works out from a timing perspective)?

I’ve gone from the guy wandering in the desert to the guy drowning - and I attribute it less to the counseling and more to stepping into my role as husband in a sacramental marriage.

 

[AnneTeresa]

Thanks so far guys…
5. To Anne, help me understand the ‘pressure’ issue. I just don’t get it. If we had been doing so good and I did everything right, how does it still not work?

1. One of the biggest problems is that when I think about it, I get in a really crummy, depressed, discouraged mood. And I have NOBODY to talk to this about. You just can’t talk about things like this with anyone…friends, brothers, parents…Thank God for the internet. I honestly feel less anxiety about this issue after I typed this thread earlier.

Ok, I’ll try to explain, at least from my experience. He would do all kinds of “nice” things for me, the flowers, jewelry, dinner, but I knew he expected “payment” for it in the end (i.e., sex). So somewhere maybe deep in my psyche I felt I was being used. He wasn’t doing it out of sincere love for me but to get something back. When you said your wife burst out crying, that’s what I used to to do. Cause I felt I didn’t have a choice but to do what he wanted and my feelings didn’t matter.

One thing to think about is how intimate is your communication and how can you make her feel “safer” with you. In counseling, we were told that I had the right to stop at any time until I felt safer. Sometimes that meant we stopped and I’m sure it was frustrating. But sex is about intimacy, not really just sex, and we had to learn that together. Eventually this led to my trusting him more and now I don’t see it as pressure at all. But it took quite a while to work it out.

As far as having nobody to talk to, yes, I definitely relate. Other than a counselor this is not stuff you discuss with anyone at this level. Sometimes the Internet is a good thing.

PS I also want to mention one more thing to consider. A woman doesn’t have to be the one actually sexually abused to have the effects of one who was abused. Being that close to her twin and knowing what happened could easily explain why she acts like a trauma survivor (just like I did).

 

[cviolette]

I agree with Elly and Ann about the pressure. It is hard to enjoy a romantic night out or help around the house if it comes with a price that you are uncomfortable paying.

I would recommend just focusing on fixing your marriage without expecting sex.

Next time you plan a date night, be clear that it is just a night out for you to enjoy each other’s company and that you will not be making love at the end of it. That way she can enjoy your company without worrying about the end of the date.

If you want to help her out around the house because she is tired then do it for her and not for sex. Maybe after dinner, offer to do the dishes and watch the kids while she takes a bubble bath. Show some unconditional love and not love with strings attached.

As long as you try to do nice things and then get disappointed when there is no sex after, you will not make any progress. She will not trust the reason behind your kindness.

Her issues with sex are a different problem. Hopefully, she will eventually want to understand why she is disgusted with sex and be willing to try therapy.

 

[silenced]

Maybe your wife is passive to a fault and cannot muster the courage to tell you she wants out of the marriage. I think the entire idea of a “marital debt” is abhorrent. Neither party should be required to sink to prostitution to satisfy the other.

Are you ready to assume joint custody of your children and your assets? If not, you may be in for a sexless marriage. Unless your wife has a thorough physical, including bloodwork to rule out hormonal imbalances, such as a thyroid problem, you cannot know who is more accountable for the imbalance in your relationship. If she comes up clean, with all values within normal limits, then it is attitudinal on somebody’s part, either hers or yours, or both of yours.

Forget the forum advice: what does God tell you to do?

 

[Castello]

Maybe your wife is passive to a fault and cannot muster the courage to tell you she wants out of the marriage. I think the entire idea of a “marital debt” is abhorrent. Neither party should be required to sink to prostitution to satisfy the other.

I am sorry you find the language of Holy Mother Church to be abhorrent.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

OP, you already know to ignore messages like the one above, by silenced. There is nothing helpful at all in that.

You know, you can twist yourself inside out and as long as your wife does not communicate with you, you can do no right. Have expectations, don’t have expectations, it won’t really matter. Even if you try really hard not to have expectations, you could simply touch her arm the “wrong” way and she will immediately jump in her mind to “He wants something from me.” It’s what I did. Ask any woman who withholds sex from her husband. Yeah, we are keeping score, and yeah, we are punishing you. No, there is nothing else you can do. Well, you can keep trying, keep cheerful, treat her like your best friend and do not try to have sex. It’s torture for you, and I wish I could talk to your wife. She owes you more than this.

All the externals are not as critical as whatever it is that she is angry/resentful/hurt about. When she gets that figured out, the same things you are doing now will delight her. It’s not really about you, although you are being punished as if it were.

 

[VonDerTann]

Some observations:

1. OP, I echo the sentiments that counseling would be a benefit, individually if she won’t go together with you.
2. IMHO, OP’s feelings are normal, and his reactions are actually quite understandible (even tame) IMHO.
3. Now, I disagree with silenced, and with cviolette.

First - silenced, whoa, how did we get to divorce??? OP clearly loves his wife…and she appears to have feelings for him – but simply has “issues” to address. Divorce seems like WAAAY overkill.

Now, here’s the issue I have with cviolette’s concept of “take her out and show her a good time, but let her know no sex is required”: OP doing this rather validates the wife’s position, and her position should not be validated, because it’s wrong, and its unreasonable.

Let’s say it openly: It’s good to want sex with your spouse; it’s bad to withhold it for weeks without compelling reasons; and it’s bad, and unreasonable, to expect your spouse to tolerate it if you’re the withholder.

By the sounds of it, the OP has been doing a great job of being a good husband…and he’s getting rejected for it.

Now, as to this whole appearance that “if I give sex it makes it appear I’m paying for something,” such a position is inconsistent with a happy marriage or a healthy view of sex. Why? Because for starters, all married folks have to give of themselves at times and in ways they may not want to – but that doesn’t mean the giving is cheapened, because both sides are supposed to want to give of themselves. Heck, I think that’s wired into us. Haven’t any of you heard this?? – “Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love.” I’m sorry, but if I sit through some sappy tearjerker “chick-flick” movie, my wife should not be shocked when I later would like sex! For that matter, if I just was offered sex, I should expect to clean the house later.

OK, ladies, flame away.

 

[cviolette]

Some observations:

1. OP, I echo the sentiments that counseling would be a benefit, individually if she won’t go together with you.
2. IMHO, OP’s feelings are normal, and his reactions are actually quite understandible (even tame) IMHO.
3. Now, I disagree with silenced, and with cviolette.

First - silenced, whoa, how did we get to divorce??? OP clearly loves his wife…and she appears to have feelings for him – but simply has “issues” to address. Divorce seems like WAAAY overkill.

Now, here’s the issue I have with cviolette’s concept of “take her out and show her a good time, but let her know no sex is required”: OP doing this rather validates the wife’s position, and her position should not be validated, because it’s wrong, and its unreasonable.

Let’s say it openly: It’s good to want sex with your spouse; it’s bad to withhold it for weeks without compelling reasons; and it’s bad, and unreasonable, to expect your spouse to tolerate it if you’re the withholder.

By the sounds of it, the OP has been doing a great job of being a good husband…and he’s getting rejected for it.

Now, as to this whole appearance that “if I give sex it makes it appear I’m paying for something,” such a position is inconsistent with a happy marriage or a healthy view of sex. Why? Because for starters, all married folks have to give of themselves at times and in ways they may not want to – but that doesn’t mean the giving is cheapened, because both sides are supposed to want to give of themselves. Heck, I think that’s wired into us. Haven’t any of you heard this?? – “Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love.” I’m sorry, but if I sit through some sappy tearjerker “chick-flick” movie, my wife should not be shocked when I later would like sex! For that matter, if I just was offered sex, I should expect to clean the house later.

OK, ladies, flame away.

LOL! I won’t flame you.

1. It is not about showing her a good time, it is sharing some time with his wife without her worrying the whole night. He won’t get to the root of the problem if she has her defenses up.
2. It is not a healthy marriage. Would expect sex from your wife after the chick flick if not only would she not get any enjoyment but it would cause her to cry?

I don’t claim to know what his wife’s problem is but I would guess that her crying after date night had more to do with the sex and less to do with the children.

I have sexual problems. I use to have sex often but something has changed in me. I do not reject my husband but do end up crying after sex. I had been working on the marriage but gave up last August. If I was stronger person, I would refuse sex. In many ways I am broken and do not blame him for my sexual problems but I do blame him for using me like all the other men in my life.

Anyway, sin or not, I feel for his wife and would rather have him help her then get his needs met.

 

[faithfully]

By the sounds of it, the OP has been doing a great job of being a good husband…and he’s getting rejected for it.

This is an interesting statement. Not worthy of a flame! LOL!

Do you think he’s being rejected BECAUSE he’s BEING a GREAT HUSBAND?

Or is it possible his wife has some serious hangups, and that doing the dishes, and taking her out for a fancy dinner is not the solution? Is it possible that he doesn’t actually hold the solution and he never will?

My gut is that it’s not HIM that she’s rejecting. It’s the sex. Sadly, he is enduring this. I certainly understand how hard this is. It’s not like he’s supposed to get it somewhere else. And so now HE SUFFERS her personal hang ups too. It’s THAT BAD!

It seems pretty clear she’s messed up. OP, I can completely understand that you are doing everything you can to make it about YOU so that YOU can fix this problem. And I don’t mean that in a rude way. If it were YOU, the flowers, the extra work around the house, the nice fancy dinner would have done the trick.

So let me ask you. If your wife were displaying symptoms of cancer. How would you handle that? Your wife is having some sort of melt down. I understand she doesn’t want to see a councelor. She’s probably embarassed. She probably WANTS what you want, and doesn’t understand why she’s failing at that.

I would keep pushing for the counceling. I might investigate counceling for people who are close to the victims of sexual abuse. She’s a victim of this stuff, and it’s impacting you both. I would tell her, in the same way you’d encourage her to go to a doctor and seek medical attn for cancer, you need her to seek this counceling for the HEALTH of your marriage. And for your children. Who need to grow up in a home where people don’t get weird about sex. This is my opinion.

It’s clear you love your wife and want a normal marriage. I offer you some prayers that you can get to the bottom of this issue!

 

[Marybeloved]

Not really. :tsktsk: unless you look at the seriousness of it with empathy.
I suffer with Sexual Aversion Disorder for different reasons.

I guessing with married couples its a bigger problem than most would readily admit.

To the OP your in my prayers!

By your type of statement I suspect you don’t even know what Sexual Aversion Disorder is.

PS I also want to mention one more thing to consider. A woman doesn’t have to be the one actually sexually abused to have the effects of one who was abused. Being that close to her twin and knowing what happened could easily explain why she acts like a trauma survivor (just like I did).

Do any of you mind talking more about this Disorder or trauma? If you suspect it in yourself, how can you know for sure if you’ve never been intimate with a guy?

 

[SaraTherese]

Accept her for who she is. She will come to you when she is ready. In the time between spend your spare time praying instead of masturbating and you’ll probably be amazed at your new outlook on things.

This is not the advise to follow. Sure, pray a lot, but it seems to me you’ve already accepted her for who she is and she probably will never be ready and come to you. I am a psychotherapist and I hope you recognize the courage and strength it has taken you to make steps toward resolving this problem. I would strongly encourage you to seek out counseling; and, if your wife does not want to go, then go by yourself. You can receive support through this process and hopefully your wife will be more open to counseling in the future. Make sure your counselor is a good fit; i.e. has the similar values. Even if you go to a Protestant counselor, you are likely to get a “take care of it on your own” or a “you need to do more to romance her” and the like. Don’t watch Fireproof–terrible movie–made it all seem like the man’s fault. There is no right forumla to fix this; it’ll be highly individualized. I can empathize with your wife’s perspective, but she is missing out also. Sex between marriage people should be fun and joyful! I feel for you, my friend, and keep doing the great work.

 

[centurionguard]

Do any of you mind talking more about this Disorder or trauma? If you suspect it in yourself, how can you know for sure if you’ve never been intimate with a guy?

Hello Mary;

First of all I’m not a woman. And in my own experience, I’m speaking about Sexual Aversion Disorder from the venue of having gone through a very traumatic experience in the past.

Both women and men experience Sexual Aversion Disorder for numerous reasons and not all necessarily being related to traumatic experiences. Both Psychological and Physical factors can contribute to this problem. Some are affected by it for a life time.

Peace
Chris.

 

[GraceDK]

Responses in bold…

You say your wife and you have never had anyone to compare with sexually
Yet you also mentioned that

• you have had a problem with porn in the past. This is of course a very disturbing fact where one looses ones innocense… I imagine you didn’t use this filth during your marriage but that your wife must still have had a hard time with that, and it might have turned her off to think about this precisely if she is uncomfortable with her own body.
• You mention she said she didn’t wanna have the pressure to “perform”. This again sounds like she sees you as some kind of sexual predator, even if obly symbolically. and that she might well feel like you might compare her appearance to that of others… whether justified or not.

It could be she wants to punish you for something you may or may not be guilty of. She needs to be upfront with you for certain. Thats her responsibility
Or it could be that she is not satisfied sexually when you are together, and therefore finds the act boring. No need to answer this, but I hope she has been given release and satisfaction sexually the times where you were together intimately. In the past some men have been given the impression that its okay to leave a woman unsatisfied as long as the man gets relief.
Or maybe she has a real psychological issue, like a phobia etc. She is clearly avoiding your sexual advances and she seems to be very nervous.
So of course its much more important to find out what causes her great discomfort emotionally and psychologically than to get a sexual release. I think she needs to know that you also think like this and that you will romance her and communicate with her also when you both know its not gonna lead to sex…

It seems she lost trust in your goodness. Thats a really big problem.

 

[28562]

Thanks for the continued advice everyone. A couple points to address–

1. The book The Five Love Languages…we read it a while back together and we have been working on it. Her love language was ‘acts of service’, hence the reason I have been doing more around the house. It has become a rare occasion that she has to give the kids a bath. I normally do it. I will clean up the toys out of the floor and vacuum from time to time…I hate sweeping more than anything in the world, but I make a point to do it. I scrub the bathrooms without being asked sometimes, etc…My love language is very obviously ‘physical touch’. She has gotten MUCH better about giving me kisses for no reason. I also explained to her that I don’t want to kiss her like my mom or daughter, so they have gotten a little more ‘friendly’ (sometimes). But there is still a roadblock when it comes to intimacy. I feel like we are getting closer, but there still seems to be a lot of work to do.
2. Divorce WHERE THE HECK did that come from? Neither one of us is at all interested in being without each other and I don’t think I should be preparing myself to live in a sexless marriage. That’s crazy talk! Other than intimacy, we have the absolute best relationship of ANYONE I know. I just want to put that last puzzle piece in…
3. Expectations keep being mentioned. I think I need to clarify my motives a little bit. I have gotten to the point where I expect nothing and I do not let any smidgen of disappointment show when nothing happens. I do all these things to show her I love her ( I learned that in The five love languages and fireproof) and I expect nothing in return, but I DO hope. I think hope is much different than expectations. Maybe I am wrong?

Last night was nice. We actually had a friend call and tell us to bring the kids while we got groceries. So, we got dinner and then groceries. We got home a little late and put the kids in bed and just sat on the couch together for a while. I rubbed her back and we just talked and then went to bed. Got up this morning, dropped the kids off at my parents and went to the shooting range together. Believe it or not, she thoroughly enjoyed that and seeing her have that much fun made it incredible x100 for me. So, a couple good bonding experiences for us and we are feeling pretty good. I don’t expect anything at all for the record…

I also talked to her today about the kid thing. She says she is starting to feel the same way about it as I do and she isn’t upset with me about that.

Also, on the way home after work yesterday, I stopped by the Church and sat there for a little while by myself. It felt pretty good to do that. I asked for a lot of help. We’ll see how everything goes.

 

[silenced]

I am sorry you find the language of Holy Mother Church to be abhorrent.

I don’t find the language abhorrent. I find the entire idea, the premise, the “requirement” abhorrent.

 

[Castello]

I don’t find the language abhorrent. I find the entire idea, the premise, the “requirement” abhorrent.

Scripture tells us that love means we no longer put ourselves first. Christian marriage is beautiful, the total giving of self.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t find the language abhorrent. I find the entire idea, the premise, the “requirement” abhorrent.

Please, let’s not hijack the OP’s thread. If you wish you can start a new thread on how abhorrent you find the idea of marital debt.

 

[mamaslo]

You know, your wife could be me. You may not be like my childrens father, but I do not understand the whole thing that men feel as though they are closer when intimate. I just assumed it is because I am legally married to someone who needs an annulment. That it has never been right or acceptable on any level.

But she sounds like me…retrovaille is for married people. I keep looking and discerning like you are on your side of it. Trying to understand what the problem is. My guess is that she feels bad and doesn’t understand it either. Once a therapist went for the gusto even after my husband told her not to and I ran like…and quit coming for a while.

My point I want to make is that I have always had dysthymia and I wonder too, if that is the problem. I have trauma drama from my dad being emotionally abusive and walking on eggshells. I have been the responsible one, supporting the family all these years moving ahead and he will promise then break promises, he will look at porn and that results in addictive behavior…which you don’t have. He will lie to make me feel better then get angry if I don’t understand him.

She may want to see someone all on her own. Why does it have to be with you at first? It’s not like you are having a real fight. She is like me and just doesn’t get it and so she has no freedom inside to follow through.

She does deserve your compassion, you keep praying. You may need to learn more about her maybe she needs something else you can learn to help with, maybe it is something God needs to do like with RealJulienne…to get the holy spirit to help, but maybe if she is like me she has always had a low grade depression and now it just overwhelms her in this area.

somehow, you can possibly help her heal with your own prayer life to help her in any way possible and just keep your antennae up for God’s direction. Nothing is easy in relationships, not really. Trying to become one flesh takes a lot of prayer, and confession and understanding. I am sorry you are hurting, but she doesn’t understand.

Just because you two gave yourselves to each other doesn’t solve that she doesn’t understand that you just want to love her more. Before marriage it was risky, it was bad and wrong. Now it is right…but maybe not.

I read the catechism, not the parts that are often quoted here but the part about love, and one flesh. It is reassuring to read the whole section on marriage…not just the parts people quote about your rights. The other two books I read were “Love and Responsibility” by JP2 and it is about lovemaking being a prayer. If you are not prayerfully communicating with your wife, maybe praying with her just the two of you, as a couple, then maybe that is where it went wrong, it is still separated from communion with God…just a thought. The other book is Christopher Wests new book Heaven’s Song: Sexual Love As It Was Meant to Be.

I still don’t understand men on the inside and this difference they have that women don’t have. it may be because my Children’s father never took the time to really understand me, it has always been about supporting him and being the responsible one. Now we have a whole big set of problems. That would take away from your thread.

I probably missed a bunch of stuff because i don’t have time to read everything here but I feel like your wife, and maybe my story will help you introspect…sometimes these things take a while to figure out, and lots of prayer, on your own, with her, in front of Jesus in the Eucharist, with the priest in Confession…because you want to be the best husband to your wife ever.

 

[HereAndThere]

@TheRealJuliane: While I do respect a lot of what you have written, I’d humbly ask that you please don’t generalize your experience to every woman that has had similar problems. Not all are angry at something, keeping score, trying to exact revenge by “withholding”, trying to hurt their husbands, on a power trip, etc. Maybe many are - surveys support that, true. But nothing - NOTHING - has been more unhelpful for me (the woman similar to OP’s wife) than being accused of these sorts of things when nothing could be further from my mind and feelings! (I’m speaking particularly of early in the thread, and statements such as “She knows that is the best way to hurt you”.) When I myself am hurting, to be accused of something so base, well, that broke whatever threads of trust were left with my husband to shreds. I think the OP should be very, very careful about assuming his wife falls into that admittedly common category of “angry willfully withholding woman”. If it is not the case, the assumption that it is will only set the OP farther from his goal of normal relations with his wife. The trust lost, the obvious lack of understanding who your spouse is… can make relations orders of magnitude more difficult.

Some thoughts for the OP:
In my experience, sometimes this is a “trust issue” - the woman can feel like touch is wrong - even repulsive - because there is not the deep level of trust that should go with letting someone touch you intimately. Perhaps she would even like to have a marriage with good relations, but when the moment comes, it just feels deeply wrong.

Do you make it clear you accept and love your wife for who she is, even with whatever faults she may have? Or are there some things about her you are always unhappy with? For my husband one example was memory. His is practically photographic, and I forget things all the time. He could never accept that I honestly forgot things. Again, this is about trust. It sounds trivial with a simple example, but it comes down to a deep abiding feeling that the person wanting to have sex with me truly does not know me, and therefore intimacy can feel deeply wrong. Note that suggestions about counselling can really backfire here.

Have you been the man of the house in a spiritual sense? I heartily recommend what another poster said about leading in prayer, etc. If my husband would do this, the trust factor would go up tremendously. I cannot emphasize this enough.

I would not be too sure that what she wants is more “help around the house”. Some women may, and most will take the help when there’s small children in the house. But, maybe that is just undermining her sense of trust and self-worth in being a wife and mother. Something to think about. Try helping in ways that do not say “I don’t think you’re good enough” in a backhanded way. (Yes, I realize you almost certainly are helping totally out of love and caring - that doesn’t mean it can’t backfire!) Perhaps try helping in ways that have a high “manliness quotient”, or in areas that simply aren’t hers.

Take what sex you can get on a very ordinary night, and thank her sincerely. I may cause a raging firestorm here with the concept of simply asking her for relations (without the “date”, gifts, massages, special arrangements, etc), and if she consents, going ahead even if she doesn’t seem to “want” you as much as you’d like. Here’s why I think that can be a good idea: Perhaps she’s currently incapable of giving you what you fully want and need - the mutual desire along with the act. And all the special stuff can just feel like pressure, no matter how well-intended. But gracefully receiving what she can give you might help build the trust and relationship. Try not to act disappointed she can’t give you more exactly what you want and need. Take what she can give today, and build the relationship for the future, so the desire will follow. It gets a little easier if you let sex be “not a big deal”. If you pressure her to “feel” a certain way before you’ll have sex, well, the only way she can comply at this point is by being dishonest! Puts her in a bind. Let her be honest if she doesn’t really desire relations. Try to express that any sex with her is a positive thing that you value and appreciate.

Instead of trying a lot harder to be a better husband (assuming you’re already a decent husband), try appreciating her as a wife. You may have set yourself up now so that every positive thing you do seems like trying to manipulate her feelings and desires about you. Instead something to try is valuing her as a complementary partner - maybe emphasize the things she’s good at that you are not.

How is your relationship with the kids? Are you and your wife in agreement on most child-rearing issues? Do you demonstrate as much affection for the children as she does? From what you have said, (eg crying they were not in their beds on a date night), it is possible that the children have somewhat displaced you as her source of emotional nourishment. There’s simply not enough here to go into that further, but I’d encourage you to think about it from her point of view if you can, not just “she’s wrong to do that”.

Try to inventory your own situation, and see where you can improve trust, knowledge of each other, acceptance, your role/leadership, and decrease coercion about how she should feel. Perhaps try making the time for sex less special (ie less pressure) rather than more. Let her feelings follow later. This is a hard, hard, roadblock for a woman to get past, even if well-intentioned and wishing to be a good wife.

 

[28562]

This thread has been more help to me than you can ever imagine. I appreciate every single suggestion on here…I know some are not the problem or solution and I know some of them could possibly help and require more study. No matter what the suggestion has been, every single one of them has given me something to think about. And I have A LOT to think about…

We went to bed early last night with the intention of reading a book we started together a while back (Sheet Music). That was the book that was next on our list after the 5 love langauges. Before we got started reading, I decided I would prefer just talking about our intimacy problem rather than reading as I hoped it would be more productive…which it was. So I started out by simply asking her if she just wanted to work on our intimate life for me or if she wanted it to be better for us. To my surprise, she did not hesitate to say for US. We spent the next hour and a half talking about it. It felt so good to actually have an open, honest, relaxed conversation about it, which is so opposite of anything in the past. One thing that came out is that she had completely the wrong idea of what I wanted our sex to be like. Of course, (probably like most women) she assumed that I wanted things wild and exciting and a big deal all the time…I explained to her that she couldn’t be farther from right and when I described what I really want, she realized that our ideas are incredibly similar. I was thrilled that she basically told me that she is ready to start trying again, but that it is an anxiety problem now…Basically, when it comes time for it to happen, she will end up freezing up. After talking to her, I really think that one of her biggest hangups on the issue is her fear of failure because she doesn’t know what she is doing…so we are alike there as well… The moment is going to have to be right, we certainly aren’t going to just jump in the sack and get going…I really like the last posters advice about not trying so hard…that’s a thought that had not crossed my mind.

There are so many things that I wish I could express to you guys, but I just can’t type it all. I feel like things are getting so good now that it is just incredible. I have been doing more praying than normal lately and maybe God is working on my marriage with me now. Honestly, working on this and being open with each other about it has made us feel so much more in love and THAT can’t be a bad thing. We both agreed last night before we fell asleep that we feel like our relationship is better (and we feel closer and more in love) than it has EVER been in the 9 years we have been together. Pretty crazy huh?