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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I am going to respond by quoting your message to me, but I won’t get too deeply into this because I think your post to the OP was very helpful and well thought out.
My experience comes not just from me, personally, but from many conversations I have had with friends for decades now. Of course, my recent problems are foremost in my mind. And had you asked me even 3 mos. ago if I were angry, hurt and punishing my husband, I would have said “NO!” There is also my husband’s part to consider in this - I am not saying that our problems in the sexual arena are ALL my fault and if I implied that, I apologize. I was just able to see my part of things, which is the only part I can actually work on. For myself, it is more resentment rather than true anger. Resentment of things my husband has said and done over the years, which I have held onto and nurtured instead of forgiving. Also, we are on 2 completely different pages with our faith, and that really still causes an imbalance. I don’t want anyone to get the impression we are completely healed…Some things are much better, such as my willingness. But there is still another type of imbalance with desire/need for sex. So it’s a work in progress.
I did not mean to suggest that everyone with sexual problems is withholding sex only out of anger, or not consciously anyway. I do believe there is an element of anger, though, in every man or woman who does withhold - it may not be anger at the spouse but perhaps a parent who was sexual, a molester, his or her own sexual past. It can be self-directed anger. That’s another element for me, my promiscuous past and all the regret I have that I was anything but a virgin when I married my husband. I still fight with shame, although I know I am forgiven by God. I know I threw the beautiful gift of myself into the garbage instead of saving it for my husband. At the time, I didn’t have any idea that I would return to the Church, so I felt no guilt. I feel the guilt and regret now. In order to continue to be intimate with my husband, I have to put that aside, but it’s hard. I know that unlike people who have given themselves only to one person, I was permanently changed by having many sexual partners, and I can never go back and fix that. So there is also an element of “damaged goods,” and I know that the OP’s wife does not have that baggage to complicate their lives.
None of this can be discussed with my husband, of course. Not only does he not know just how promiscuous I was, but he does not understand the position of the Church about sexual intimacy. He does not agree with the Church about birth control and although he may not like the general idea of abortion, I fear that he’s not very anti-abortion either.
Well that is more than I wanted to say. I hope you do not take what I wrote personally. As I said above, it’s from my experience primarily, but I’ve had a good many friends over the years go through something similar, and we have talked about it. Maybe I just know a lot of other angry wives!
I am sorry for your pain. I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy. We just had another set of problems today, and I am back to hearing that he thinks I just don’t want to make love ever, which makes me feel really bad all over again, back to square one. What a mess.
